Writing that previous chapter was like...I felt I needed a therapy session myself. And I needed also one after this one. Thank you for reading. I try to make it worth it in the end. I do.

Background music suggestion: actually the intro song is really good, David Guetta feat. Sia: She Wolf

So here we go...

Chapter 21 - Lock Me Up

I'm falling to pieces

- David Guetta feat. Sia: She Wolf

...

Loki had to talk to Dr. Allsop.

"Everyone needs to believe I'm having a decline, and it has to be believable, so I need to be locked to the ward with no visitation rights."
"Why on earth do you wish this?"
"Do you honestly expect me to tell you why?" he said frustrated.
"That will be the price. If you explain this and I'll somehow understand it, only then I can allow it," she said sternly.
Loki sighed heavily, sat leaning his elbows to his knees and began.

The initial thought of revealing the matter to Dr. Allsop had been distressing. He didn't want anyone to know. But now that he had done it, he actually felt...lighter.
"Are you absolutely sure you want to do this to her? Because she will be hurt. Extremely hurt. I have seen you two together during these years. Not to mention, now that her father is not in the best condition..."
"What is wrong with Mr. Knowles?" Loki immediately asked.
"He is quite ill I believe. He hasn't told me the details and I don't think Diana knows yet..."

No...
But what could he offer her.
Nothing that would make a difference.

He looked at his hands.
"I have thought this through, believe me."
There was a heavy silence.
"And you made a promise Elaine. I think I have paid the price now. I do hope you see why I wish to do this. Diana needs to be freed of me. Totally."
Dr. Allsop had actually felt a sting of guilt when Loki had told her his story. It was after all her who had suggested Loki as Diana's tutor.
She sighed and nodded.

...

"What?" Diana asked.
"In the secluded ward? How is that possible?"
"He had a breakdown. Yes, he had an extremely lengthy good period, but now...Diana, you must understand that I cannot discuss his condition much further."
Diana's eyes were teary.
"However, I would like to discuss with you, Diana. Would you have time now?"
It was Friday and Diana had come to see him. After knocking his door for five minutes, Dr. Allsop had come and explained the situation.
"How bad is he?" she asked.
She could read it in the doctor's eyes. It was bad.
"But would you have the time now?" Dr. Allsop repeated her question.
Diana nodded absentmindedly.

Soon they were at her office. Diana was sitting on the same place Loki had sat so many times before.
"I'm going to be honest with you, Diana. It might be better...If you leave Loki behind."
There was a gravity in her words. Diana's face lost all its colour.
"Of course you can try to be his friend...But I fear he is not improving so he might have to stay in that ward for a long time...I've seen the way you look at him. Diana, this might not be the best thing for your life. And that is why felt I had to warn you. This cannot lead into something good."
She saw that Diana's mouth was a tight line. She had seen this battle so many times in her life. On her couch. People fighting to keep up their appearances.
"Your father tells you're doing well in your studies. You are such a lovely young woman. And you have your full life ahead of you."
And then saw how it all fell down, Diana burst into tears. The older woman came to sit next to her and put her delicate arms around her. She said nothing. She just accepted her pain.
There was something Diana feared more than anything.
"Elaine, last weekend after the party..." she began sobbing.
Then she explained Dr. Allsop, in the way she was able to, what she feared. That it was her fault somehow.
"Diana, no...Do not blame yourself," Dr. Allsop said.
"You did not cause this. There was always a possibility this could happen. We should be happy that he was so well for such a long time."

...

Diana's thoughts were feverish. She needed to reach Loki. It was so sudden. She did not understand. The staff told her that Loki did not want to be reached. She forced her father to tell her what had happened. Apparently he had experienced a severe psychosis and become very violent and self-destructive. After hearing this she couldn't stop crying...She often walked outside the part of the building where she knew he must be. It was on the third floor so he could only see the distant lights. She even prayed for him even if that something she hadn't done in years.

When she had heard what had happened, she had immediately written him a letter. She made nurse Joan swear, cross her heart, that she would deliver it. She got back a letter. The familiar parchment, the familiar ink.

Leave me alone.

She sent him another letter and got back his reply.

Don't send anything to me.
I won't reply after this.

She could only cry.
...

If Loki's life had been madness before, it just had become deeper madness. He was being in an exile inside an exile. They were days of solitude. His heart felt so heavy, as if his each action and wrongdoing weighed there more than ever. And writing those letters to Diana...He felt he had broken himself somehow inside. His heart felt so broken. And in the darkness of the night, when he was sure Heimdall could not see him, he allowed himself to cry.

Every night she cried herself to sleep, and often during daytime she would have to go to the bathroom where she could cry in peace. She was so worried. She missed Loki so much. She had replayed their last conversation over and over again. Perhaps his decline had already begun then, but she hadn't noticed anything. And then, Diana's father finally told him that he was that ill...It felt too much. She delayed her studies to remain with him.

"Diana, please talk to me," her father asked one evening. He was sitting in the armchair. All his clothes seemed to be too big for him.
"I know you miss him," he said with such sympathy in his voice.
He needed to talk to her. Diana was arranging things back to their places in the living room. Diana stopped what she was doing. She walked to the window and looked outside. It was still winter. The branches of the trees were like black ink on white. And the sky...It was grey like it was most of the time.
She shivered and could not utter a word. It was like a hand was on her throat, choking her.
"I understand if you don't wish to tell me," her father said softly.
She turned to look at him. He looked so frail, and so sad.
"I am so sorry for him," Mr. Knowles continued.
"Diana, I cannot help thinking I should have never allowed him to enter your life...It was I who invited him into it, to tutor you…"
He almost broke in tears. Diana rushed to his side.
"No…" she comforted him and shook her head.
"Dad, you must not say that. Despite everything…" she began, her voice almost breaking.
"What we had...It is just so important to me."
Her father's eyes were welling up with tears, and they wandered to the one photograph on the wall.
"Diana, having loved someone whose mind was complex, wonderful and...so broken. I know..."
He couldn't finish the sentence. Diana stroked his hand and took him in his arms.
She felt the tears running down her own cheeks. She snorted and a thought escaped her lips.
"Sometimes...it feels that here, on this earth, we can only choose between different kinds of pain."
She wiped her cheeks.
"It's like a smorgasbord of pain."
Smile broke on her lips. She could see his father giving a small chuckle too. This was something they had always shared. Laughter at times that surprised even themselves. Diana took a blanket from the floor and gently put it over his father's feet.

Mr. Knowles state became worse. There was now a nurse visiting every day. One day Loki risked it and left his seclusion. He had found out when the nurse would be visiting the Knowles' house and hoped to see Diana. He needed to see her. So he was standing there, in the shadows of the forest, so he could not be seen...And there she was, talking to the nurse on the doorstep. His heart stopped at the sight of her. Even though he could only see her from distance, he could tell she had not been taking care of herself. There was a tiredness in her form. And he couldn't help noticing her clothes were all black. His heart ached. He just wanted to hold her...but he could not.

In April Alan Knowles passed away. The trees had not blossomed yet. Loki did not contact Diana and they were the most difficult days of his long life but he knew it was the last service he could in a way do to Mr. Knowles. He would set his daughter free. After the silence she could no longer think he was nothing but a cold-hearted bastard or too lost to feel empathy. And she could go on. The day after the funeral they were closing the grave and among the flowers there was a book. Ulysses. Loki had asked it to be taken there. He mourned the loss of Alan Knowles...After all, he had been the only person besides Diana, and now also Dr. Allsop, whom he had considered his friend during his days on Midgard.