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Ch. 21 :::::
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Previously, on Episode III: Return of My Heart:
Lou sighed out a breath of relief.
"I'll make darned sure, next time I close up his old house, I'll keep Mr. James with me, so you both don't go and get into all this drama again."
Lou breathed out a half-hearted laugh, but couldn't smile. Her face refused. And when Mrs. Pilar wrapped her arms around Lou's tense shoulders, the younger woman hiccupped. Then shuddered. Then, finally, she convulsed into weary sobs, filled with exhaustion and heartache.
And, hard as she tried to keep her own tears in, Mrs. Pilar had to dab her own eyes, as she held the tired girl through the storm.
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His footsteps echoed heavily and hollowly on the boardwalk, mimicking the empty, hollow feel of the heartbeats in his chest.
Two weeks.
Two damn weeks since Jeremiah, Theresa, and Mrs. Pilar, rather, Miss Patty— and wasn't that just a hot, fat and juicy slice of apple in the cow pie he called his life? — had taken Lou home and barred him from seeing her.
They had bundled her up in a wagon and taken her home to convalesce with her family.
Damn, there was that word again.
Family.
The one thing he wanted to be part of, but the one thing he hadn't earned and probably would never deserve.
At least not with her.
The temptation to wander over to his saloon and get thoroughly shit-faced started to grow stronger as he walked slowly. Truly, there was nothing stopping him. No one to complain of or give his him any guff or lectures about how bad it was for him. Jeremiah barely looked at him anymore. The boy had actually found a way to look through him. Jimmy still marveled at that ability in one so young.
Lou wouldn't be there to silently and subtly take him to task for drinking around the son she wasn't allowing him to see anymore.
He sighed loudly, drawing the irked gazes of a gaggle of ladies walking past.
What the Hell?
Was it "Hate Jimmy" day or something?
He resisted the urge to glare and sneer at them, but just barely.
He couldn't remember a time when he had felt so … hateful. So hate filled.
Oh, surely, he had felt despised and rejected by the world around him, absolutely. But he had never yet felt it so reflexively.
He had always hated himself for letting Lou go, and never being good enough, but there had still been a niggling hope and suspicion that it hadn't been his fault, truly. He had not done all he could, back then, and that had been his saving grace.
Now, the facts were obvious and well apparent. He had done this. Well and thoroughly. He had properly screwed up with Lou, and all her family was witness to it.
And they made sure he knew it. Made sure he knew how badly he had destroyed Lou. Her love for him. Her trust in him. They all made damn sure he knew, and that he would not ever get another chance.
Their work was subtle, but potent.
A few harsh glares here, a glancing over him without acknowledging his presence there. Even Mrs. Pilar, who he thought was still on his pay-roll. Or had she started working for Lou at her dress shop? He hadn't received a resignation…
Damn.
He couldn't find the words to express to her how bad he felt.
He could not find the words to clarify things for his own self, for God's sake.
He couldn't think of what he could have done differently. There were plenty of things he could have thought differently, but, truly, when it all came down to it, there was nothing he could have done differently, even if he wanted to.
If he'd had his druthers, he would have never had Marissa to deal with in the first place.
But then, he scoffed, if he'd had his druthers, he would have kept pursuing Lou five years ago.
It wasn't like there had not been moments they could have taken, moments that he could have taken to remind her of what they'd once had.
To remind her of how good they had been.
How perfectly they'd had it. Together.
When she'd made her choice, he had pulled back, painfully and completely. He had to.
What was a man to do when the woman he gave his heart to had her heart set firmly on another?
He sighed again. Then glanced around. No bitching biddies to censor him this time.
He thought back to when she was sick.
He had cared for her, almost exclusively. Not that anyone else, her family or Mrs. Pilar hadn't wanted to.
It was just that… he needed to do it. To care for her. To watch her heal and recover. To have a hand in the process.
He had done things that had probably embarrassed the hell out of her. He had washed and bathed her.
Hell, he had even taken her to the toilet, and he knew that was too much.
But, he couldn't help himself. He had tried to pull back, to be less hands on, to be less … invasive… overpowering… less… controlling. But he couldn't help himself.
He needed to know, needed to help, needed to make her feel better. Maybe his hand had trembled (from lack of whiskey to drink or from fearful nervousness, he didn't know) every time he spoon-fed her broth, but, he got every drop to her lips, and he made damn sure she swallowed it all.
With a lead ball of guilt at the base of his stomach the entire time.
Probably the same lead that was weighing his boots down so heavily, now, draining away his will to keep going with every step.
What was life without Lou? No damn life, that was for sure.
And his son? Lord, He didn't know how he would survive without him.
For so long, he had thought Lou had owned his heart and soul. Until he met his son.
Then he realized that the scientists and doctors had it all wrong.
God actually had given him another entire heart just for his son to hold in his tiny, chubby fingers.
Jimmy was sure that he was not the only man in existence who had two hearts beating outside his body, but, it damn sure felt like it right then.
And he was going to let that slip through his fingers? Damn it. The hell he was.
He heard a loud, almost screeching voice yelling, "Dimmy!" full of eager youth and life, and it pricked the air out of his self-pity balloon and lightened his heart like no drink or drug ever had.
Silently, Jimmy thanked God. 'Cause only He knew how far down the spiral he was going to get before he started drowning himself in his sorrows again.
Jimmy looked up at the voice, and coughed out a lungful of air as a tiny tornado of energy slammed into him. He laughed, involuntarily, and caught the little boy in a hug, tension already melting from his back and shoulder muscles.
"Elias!" A smile that threatened to crack Jimmy's face replaced his scowl. A warmth from a deep place that Jimmy had never believed existed radiated from him.
Elias hugged him tight. So tight, breathing was forgotten, but the way the boy burrowed his face down in the crook of his neck and refused to let go, Jimmy didn't care. The boy held him, nose in Jimmy's neck, almost as if he was trying to memorize the gun-fighter's scent, and Jimmy did the same to Elias.
He had missed his son so badly, it hurt somewhere near his spleen. Or the place he assumed might have been his spleen. It could have just been his heart. He couldn't tell anymore. His insides were as mixed up as cake batter.
But, he knew one thing. He would not let Lou and Elias go. Not without a fight. She had already gotten her ass handed to her by life.
He was not about to let her face the rest of existence without his presence to guard her and his son. To protect them. To care for them.
By the look on her face as she bore down on the two of them, he knew it would be a battle. But Lou would shoot herself in the damn foot before she let him help out. Or his foot, anyway.
She might just have to. He wasn't going to let her be alone again. Ever.
"Jibby!"
The wave of belligerent power emanating from her threw him for a loop. He had to fight not to smile.
She still was a little bitty thing, and, yeah, "puny but spry" was not just a phrase. It was a larger than life reality, and she made it happen.
When he had finally gotten his insane need to grin like a clown worked out of his system, he smiled slightly. Elias tightened his possessive grip on Jimmy's neck.
"Lou." It sounded like a mild inquiry, not the bubbling furnace of feelings he kept the lid firmly on. He promised to pat himself on the back for that later.
She marched up to the duo and placed her fists on her hips and thrust her chin out in challenge.
"I see Elias found you."
She sounded stuffy. Jimmy zeroed in on her red, shiny nose.
She still hadn't gotten over her illness? It had been two weeks since she had left his house! And the entire week that she was sick at his house.
What the hell was she doing out of bed if she was still sick? And why was she still sick?
He glared at her.
"You're still sick and you're out and about? Lou, really?"
Of course, he would mention her illness, she seethed to herself. Her narrowed eyes glared at him. When she had finally gotten stable enough to come home, her siblings and Patty had transported her right away.
And she was thankful. She kept telling herself that, and refused to think about what the alternatives could have been.
She was finally able to take herself to the chamber-pot without Jimmy hovering like a crazed momma bear. She had sighed to herself in relief. She did not miss the flushing toilets at Jimmy's at all.
The almost effortless baths filled with healing herbs that helped her breathe and cooled her burning body were best left at his place.
And she certainly did not miss Jimmy's constant presence in her day, around her bed— ahem, his bed— his deep voice sweeping over her frayed nerve endings like silk, like the warmed brandy he had laced her tea with to keep her warm and calm in his bed.
She did not miss the sweet, smooth comfort of his bed and the crisp clean scent of his sheets, laced with Jimmy's spicy and musky scent.
And she absolutely did not miss letting him take control and just resting happily and comfortably, without thought for making meals, her work, or even Elias. The boy had adored staying at Jimmy's and hadn't missed home at all. And he had talked up a storm, just to prove it.
Lou had not missed home, either. She was sure that Jimmy would have kept it that way indefinitely, if he'd had his way. And, Heavens knew, she was not one to argue sense like that.
She had been so foolish, she yelled at herself in disgust every day that she had been home. So damn foolish to trust him. To trust anyone.
She had given herself to him freely, seeing nothing but sunny skies and smooth riding with him. It was all she had ever wanted. To be with him. To be happy with him. To be a family. With him.
She was a fool.
She stared at him balefully.
"Everyod needed to work," she managed, as dignified as she could.
Jimmy grimaced. "Sweetheart—"
She stopped him with his mouth still open. "I ab dot your dweethard, Jibby."
She didn't want to be his sweetheart, no matter how much her skin tingled and shivers ran up her back when she heard him say it.
And, dammit, she was getting worse, again. She probably would have been fine if Elias hadn't run out of the general store, scaring her wits out of her.
Jimmy wouldn't smile. He was not going to fall down laughing in the middle of town. Not with Lou looking like a crazed, red-nosed rhino and sounding like she had cotton in every hole in her head.
She was the love of his life, not one of the guys in the bunkhouse. Not anymore. He could keep himself under control. He would.
But, dear Lord, could she at least try not being so damned cute when she was angry?
He pulled a handkerchief out of his inner breast pocket and handed it to her.
She glared as she blew firmly into it, then pocketed it, staring at him defiantly.
The corner of his mouth twitched.
She growled.
And, dammit, even that sounded stuffy.
If he was even thinking of laughing at her, she would have his face in the dirt so fast…
She needed to get her son back from him.
How could she have been so stupid as to tell him about his son? To trust him with that information?
Hadn't she learned?
Hadn't dream-Ike shown her the error of her trusting ways?
In between the sweats and the chills, the waves of heat and the sheets of ice that made their way through her body while she was at the worst of her sickness, she had learned, finally learned, the very hard and very scary way, not to trust anyone in her life. No one was there for her but her.
She reached for her son in the large man's arms. Before she could even get her hands on her son, the boy was already grabbing Jimmy's neck tighter, squeezing harder.
"Eli, come here," she commanded in her stuffy voice.
Jimmy wasn't letting go, as her son shook his head adamantly.
"No!" he screamed. "Dimmy!"
The large man winced, but smiled wryly at Lou, almost convincing her that he felt some level of guilt for her son's behavior. Almost.
"Dabbit, Jibby!"
He ignored her outburst. "Why isn't he talking anymore, Lou?"
She stilled, guilt eating her from the bottom of her stomach. Elias had stopped talking again, as soon as she had told him that Jimmy wasn't going to be coming around anymore.
She had tried everything to help her boy get back to that better space. That happy space. Now that she knew he had the words inside him.
But, he wasn't talking. Not to her, not to Theresa, not even to Jeremiah. And her brother had always been able to wring at least a smile or a word out of the little boy.
She didn't know what to do anymore.
Short of bringing Jimmy back into her house and into her life again.
"No reason. He's just…"
She couldn't think anymore. She couldn't find a believable enough lie quickly enough. Damn this stuffy head and her slow brain.
"I don't know, Jibby. Just let him go, now." She glared sternly at him.
Jimmy shrugged. "I was trying to."
She tilted her head in patent disbelief. "Right. That's exactly what it looked like."
He sighed and stared at the clear, blue sky in exasperation.
Almost whispering, he asked, "Why don't you let me come over and spend time with him?"
She cringed, thinking about the last time she was with him. His care of her. His touching her, taking her to do private things that she had complained Theresa should have been helping her with. But, he hadn't let up.
Bath times had been the best part, she thought, as a heavy warmth settled between her thighs.
But she shook her head.
That was neither here nor there, now.
"Jibby, we did fine before you got here, and we are fine without you now, and we will be fine whenever you decide to leave."
He raised his eyebrows in surprise, but she ignored him.
"I'd rather be alone than to have to put up with your womanizing and whoring ways that you just can't seem to stop. You can take all your 'ladies' at your saloon, and go mount them all, for all I care!"
The catch in her heart called her a liar, but she ignored it. It was better this way. Better to have him think she didn't care, so that he would leave. Again.
He needed to leave and stop making her desperate, aching heart constantly point out signs of hope and "maybes" and "happy-ever-afters."
There were none of those for her.
She brought her voice down, realizing she was getting a little too boisterous for a lovely, lazy afternoon in the middle of town.
"You can't give me any of that, Jimmy. I know that now. You can't give me any more of yourself. You don't have it in you to be what I need. What my family needs.
"It's alright. I get it. I knew it already. I did that. I broke you too much. You already told me, but I didn't listen, fool that I am."
Her heart lurched and ached. Strange. She thought it had already shriveled up and blown away. She rubbed her sternum absently, only mildly surprised to feel something beating there.
She was more intrigued that she felt any feeling at all. A strange numbness had been plaguing her for the last two weeks. Ms. Patty— erm, Mrs. Pilar— had chalked it up to her being at death's door for so long.
Jimmy stared at her intently. Eli wiggled in his arms, finally wanting down.
"What the hell happened to you, Lou?" He lowered the boy to the ground, but held on to his hand tightly. "Where did you go? Where is that woman that was so full of piss and vinegar and life?"
Elias grabbed his mother's hand with his free one and swung between the two of them.
She glared at him, filling the look with every measure of frustration, exhaustion, and anger she felt welling up inside her.
"She got left! Alright? She got left behind." She glanced around quickly. People were wandering back and forth in the street enough that they weren't attracting attention. She sighed, then spoke low, her throat raw with an unidentifiable emotion.
"Every moment that she was Kid's, she got left behind. He finally went off to war, and she got left for the last time. Permanently." Her eyes shone with regret.
"She wasn't what he wanted. She never was. He always wanted… less from her. Everything that I had ever had was mine. Was me. And that all got left behind."
She sneered.
"I called it love. He called it love." She stared hard at the boardwalk beside her. "It wasn't. It was just trying to keep me away from you. He was the dog in the manger. He couldn't have me the way he wanted me, but he damn sure couldn't leave me for you to get, now could he?
"So, yeah." She shrugged. "That's pretty much it, I guess." She glared up at him. "And now—" She couldn't hold on to her ire. Her body sagged. She smiled weakly, as if in defeat, " — I am too broken even for you to want."
She gazed past his shoulder to the blue sky beyond.
"Everybody leaves," she murmured. "They are all going to leave. Jeremiah. Theresa. Even Elias will leave, when he gets old enough."
She stared at him bleakly and whispered, "Everybody leaves, Jimmy."
Damn, he just wanted to hold her. To just grab her up in his arms and hold her tight and never let go.
"I would never leave you, Lou," he whispered raggedly. "Ever. Never again." He grasped both her shoulders with his hands and shook her gently, gazed into her eyes intently, willing her to believe him. Willing her to understand him. Willing her to give him another chance.
A light began, slowly, dawning in her eyes.
Would she believe him? Would she take him back?
Then she blinked and glanced around.
"Jimmy," he hadn't noticed her head clearing up, but she sounded much better. "Where is Elias?"
He looked down at her empty hand and cursed.
He turned around quickly, scanning the area.
The boy was so small. Jimmy didn't know how he was going to find him. The crowd had gotten thicker, and the afternoon foot traffic was suddenly horrendous.
He called out his son's name, loud and gruff.
"DIMMY!"
Elias' little voice screamed out across the road. The whole of existence faded away, as Jimmy whipped out his Colt, his focus on his son. A high pitched buzzing rang in his ears, drowning out everything but Elias' cries.
He took several large strides, bringing himself closer to a vaguely familiar face that had his son wrapped in his arms.
"Hold it right there, mister," Jimmy stood in the middle of the road, his loud voice ringing out.
"Jimmy," Lou grabbed at his arm. "That's my son, Jimmy, put your damn gun down."
Jimmy glared at her quickly before locking his sight back on the kidnapper.
"He's my son, too, Lou." He shook off her hand and fired a shot into the air. A collective shriek from the crowds of people and a mass exodus from the street caused the brigand to stop his progress and turn towards the couple on the street.
The scruffy faced man squinted out from the awning of the boardwalk, and smirked, slowly ambling with the wriggling child in his brutish arms.
The listing of the man's face to one side triggered a memory in Jimmy.
"Holy shit," he muttered to Lou, who glanced up at him quickly, before re-fixing her eyes on the bandit that had her son.
Louder, to the man could hear him, Jimmy called, "'Grampy' Joe Lee? Is that you?"
The man smirked again. Lou realized it was actually the man smiling, or grinning like a loon, but it only affected half of his face. The other half drooped like a long-faced hound dog.
"Well, looky what we got here," he slurred out of the working side of his face. "Billy-God-Damned-Hickok!" Jimmy flinched a little, but Lou noticed the slight movement. "Whatcha doin' here, Hickok? Where's your badge?" He grinned, making the boy in his arms whimper in fear. "Thought you turned respectable."
Lou heard Elias' whimper of fear and no other thought but to save her son. She reached across Jimmy's torso and yanked his other gun out of its holster.
Jimmy tried to ignore her, and the little puff of pride that blew through his chest. The puff was quickly followed by a thrill of anger for her daring to put herself in danger.
And he swore at his body, for hardening with not a small amount of desire. He had always gotten hot under the collar, and under the belt, when he saw Lou wielding a gun. He still couldn't figure out why, but, already, he couldn't wait to get her home and make her his again. Maybe he'd even let her hold the gun while he made her moan.
Damn, he needed to focus.
Jimmy called back, taking another step forward.
"I did get respectable. Got me a saloon, and everything. Makes good money." He smiled smooth and quick.
'Grampy' Joe glared. "So, you just walkin' by, doin' a good deed for the day?"
Jimmy shrugged, not moving his eyes from the other man's face. "I happen to like the kid you got in your arms, an' I'll be takin' him back now."
Joe Lee laughed. "Oh, no you won't, Hickok. I got hired to take this kid to Miss Marissa at the JB Saloon, and that's just what I aim to do. You can take it up with her."
Jimmy raised an eyebrow. "My saloon?" he growled.
The hired gun laughed again. "Naw. Some ass named Mr. James. Where Miss Marissa works."
Jimmy inclined his head slightly. "My saloon. Owned by one Mr. James. Butler. Hickok. And she doesn't work there anymore."
The mobile side of the man's face fell. He swallowed visibly, raising his chin in a brave stance. "Then, I guess it's just you an' me, Hickok."
"Put the boy down, and it will be, Gramps."
Lou leaned away from Jimmy, and slowly started to step away from Jimmy completely.
The ugly man shook his head.
"I think I'll be holding on to this piece of protection a little longer," He sneered. Then he glanced at Lou, nervously. "Who's the skirt?"
Jimmy, snarled, "The 'skirt' is my wife, the mother of my son you got there, and a damn good shot as well."
He smiled innocently. "Actually, she's probably a better shot than me."
She started moving away from Jimmy, slowly, in a wide arc, the shiny Colt in her hand, glinting menacingly.
"Hickok!" the kidnapper yelled, nervous. "What in the hell is she doin'?"
Jimmy was torn. He loved to see Lou put the fear of God in people. It just did something to him, but he wanted to growl at Lou in frustration for putting herself in harm's way.
He chose, instead, to narrow his eyes at the ruffian. "Now, not to scare you, or nothing, but, looks like you opened up the cage and let the mama lion out. I think she might just blow your head off, Gramps."
The bandit gulped, loud and nervous, his eyes darting back and forth between his two opponents.
"Now, if you don't want to die with your boots on, let that boy down and get on up out of here."
The man shook his head in desperation. "Naw, Hickock. I can't do that! Miss Marissa—"
Jimmy growled, "You would take Wild Bill Hickok's son?" He narrowed his eyes at the kidnapper, making a silent promise in his steely gaze. "Ain't no whore worth that, Joe."
The man glanced from Jimmy to Lou, who still had him in her sights, and was almost around his back side. He looked torn.
"Damnit, Hickok, I gotta do what she told me, or she'll kill me!"
"I will remind you, I'm not wearin' a badge anymore," Jimmy snarled through his teeth. "And if you take another step with my son in your hands, there's only one judge I have to listen to." He wiggled his gun. "Judge Colt."
'Gramps' glared at Jimmy, trying to weigh his options.
Finally, catching one last glimpse of Lou in the corner of his eyes, the desperate man snarled and swung his six-shooter at the petite woman. But, before he even had a chance to level it on her, twin shots rang out, and the vagabond collapsed, screaming.
Elias wiggled out from the man's now lax arms and hurtled across the short distance into Jimmy's open arms. Lou was right behind the boy, throwing herself into Jimmy's arms as well, grabbing at Elias, and holding him tight.
Keeping his eyes trained on the felled abductor, Jimmy held his family in his arms tightly. He knew his heart was thumping like a mad rabbit, and his gun had to be shaking, but he kept it pointed in the bandit's general direction.
Jimmy held Lou and Elias close, and growled at the broken man that was being helped up by the town's marshal.
"I ought to notch your ears for you, 'Gramps'. A man like you ought to be marked. Something to remember me by, next time you think of breaking the law for another damn whore."
He kept his angry gaze on the man who was being dragged off to the jail, the marshal yelling for a bystander to call the Doc to his office.
Jimmy called out to the marshal to hold on a second. Then Jimmy looked at the man who had threatened Jimmy's entire existence.
"If it weren't for my son, here, I would have blown you to Kingdom Come." He glanced down at his sole purpose for living— His family. "But, he needs a different life. Now, you go and do the same." He nodded at the marshal, and turned his back on the both of them, squeezing his arms around the only two beings that possessed his heart in their small hands.
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A/N
Acknowledgements for 'Wild Bill' Hickok dialogue assistance/inspiration/borrowing:
Imbd:
The Devil's Trail (1942)
Across the Sierras (1941)
The Plainsman (1966)