Title: On My Knees

Disclaimer: I don't own anything

Summary: Five years, and she's still struggling just to survive.

Chapter Seventeen: Blame

It will be several years before Isabel stops blaming everyone else. It will be several years before she no longer holds Max responsible for calling her away from Boston and Jesse, Michael responsible for not being strong enough to stop the alien who killed Maria, or Tess responsible for letting the group fall apart in her absence. It will be years before she does not blame Liz for pulling all of Max's attention into her illness or Kyle and Jim for walking away from them.

It will be years before she finally admits to herself that all the blame was only a way to cover up the hurt, the pain, and the fear.

And her own sense of guilt.

"Maria?"

It was Liz's voice, so quiet and so disbelieving, that broke the silence. They have all frozen, staring in horror at Maria's lifeless body, but it was Liz, eyes wide, fingers hovering just above Maria's pale skin, who finally spoke. And it was her word, that one name that falls from her lips, that seemed to galvanize the others into action.

The strange alien suddenly screamed, his entire body twisting in agony, and standing over him with an emotionless mask covering his eyes, was Michael. The hybrid General had his hand outstretched over the alien, and his fingers tingled with a white and blue light that filled the air all around him and focused in incredible intensity on the man writhing at this feet. But this display of power, ruthless and deadly, was nowhere near as frightening as the complete and utter lack of anything on his face. His eyes were blank, just a void, an endless stretch of nothing.

"Maria?"

Liz again. The brunette, lips quivering, continued just to stare at her friend, unable to understand anything at all. She had woken to a nightmare.

Isabel never knew how they left the room. One moment she was standing by Michael's side, her gaze fixed in terror on his cold expression, and the next she remembered she was standing in the hallway beyond the room, watching as Liz blasted Tess with all the strength and energy a sickly cancer patient could muster.

"Get up!" Liz was crying now, tears streaming down her cheeks as she charged forward with a violence so out of character that it nearly took Isabel's breath away. "Get up! Murderer. I'll kill you, I'll kill you!"

Max grabbed at Liz's arm and pulled her away from Tess at the same moment that Nick ran to Tess' side. The blonde looked up, blue eyes filled with something unidentifiable, and tried to push herself off the floor. She sank against her boyfriend, but paid little attention to him as her gaze focused solely on Liz.

"Max, what are you doing?" Liz hissed, yanking her arm out of his grip. "You trust her now? She's a killer. A murderer! She killed Alex, betrayed all of us and you..."

"She didn't," Max said, his quiet, grief-stricken voice cutting across her tirade. She froze, mouth hanging open in shock.

Isabel tore her attention away from the two. She doubted Liz would be interested in anything Max had to say, and in all honestly, could anyone blame her? Maria was dead, killed before their very eyes, and that loss added to the memories of Alex...

Michael was holding Maria's body in his arms. Isabel shook her head, trying to think past the haze of numb disbelief. She remembered vaguely that they had left Liz's hospital room, Michael holding Maria tightly, and Max guiding the barely awakened Liz. The other doctors and nurses had stepped back, terror reflected in their eyes. The bodies of the two dead nurses and the enemy alien lay on the floor, unmoving, and Isabel wondered if they would ever be able to clean up this mess.

Even with all the help of the FBI...

"Did she mind-warp you?" Liz was asking, her words filled with suspicion. "Max, how can you even think these things? Of course she killed Alex! She admitted to it."

"I didn't have a choice, Liz, the skins..." Tess started, but Liz interrupted ferociously.

"Shut up, Tess! Just shut up!"

Tess appeared about to argue, but her gaze drifted past Tess to Michael, and to the lifeless body in his arms. Everything about her seemed to fade away, her passion and color disappearing to be replaced with something that could only be described as absolute horror. Isabel wondered if she was thinking about Maria, or if her mind had gone back to Alex.

"We need to go," Michael said in a detached tone, paying no attention to the drama unfolding before him. Liz and Tess clearly occupied no space in his troubled thoughts, and as he shifted Maria's weight and reached out with one hand to beckon Isabel, the hybrid Princess felt her heart suddenly break into a million pieces as the full reality of what had just happened smashed into her.

Maria was dead.

They were exposed to the world.

Khivar was going to win.

Another hotel room.

Liz sat on the edge of the bed, staring about her. Max had tried to explain that the last room had been wrecked in a fight against Nicolas, but she was hardly listening to his explanation. Tess was standing at the far end of the room, carrying on a hushed conversation with a man that Liz thought someone might have called Nick. And nothing Max said seemed to matter, not while Tess stood in front of her.

"Liz, please listen to me."

She looked up at Max. "What?" she asked, and if her tone was harsher than she had intended, she did not really care.

"I know this is hard to understand. I... I don't really understand it either. And I had trouble accepting it. But Tess is on our side."

Liz gave a dark chuckle. "Yeah, right. We all thought she was on our side before, too, and look what happened." Memories of Alex, his body sprawled out against the seat of the car, flashed before her eyes, and she gripped her hands into tight fists.

"I told you," Max said firmly, "the skins..."

"Yeah," Liz snapped, flopping back onto the bed and staring blankly up at the ceiling, "I know. I heard you." The tears were burning in her eyes, and she blinked a few times, but they still came anyway, coursing down her cheeks. She had heard the truth from Max's lips, and although part of her still wondered if Tess hadn't somehow just managed to mind-warp the entire group...

Tess herself was different. No longer did those blue eyes appear icy or controlling, no longer did she move with a self-confidence and assuredness that Liz had once despised. Now she seemed more like a deer caught forever in headlights.

"Do you love her?"

He looked at her, and in his eyes she could see both sorrow and joy. The world was changing so quickly, her life being turned completely upside-down. Everything was ending... but for him it was just a new beginning. "Not like I love you."

She rolled onto her side and looked across the room towards the glass sliding door that separated them from a small balcony overlooking the water. Michael was standing out there, his back to them, his face lifted to the sky. Isabel was standing next to him, but they weren't speaking. Michael wasn't even looking at her, and Isabel was fidgeting nervously.
Liz wondered vaguely what they would do with Maria's body. Would they have a funeral? It seemed only right and proper, but she had seen the shocked faces of the doctors and nurses, and she knew that they were in danger now, more danger than they had ever been in before.

Would they need to run?

Her gaze flickered back to Tess. "If she was innocent, why didn't she come back to Roswell five years ago? Why didn't she tell us the truth?"

"I... I don't know," Max admitted, and his tone was weary. He took a seat next to her even as she pushed herself back into a sitting position. "She was scared, I guess."

"And so you just forgive her?" Liz demanded, shaking her head in a refusal to believe what Max was saying. How could he sit there and talk about Tess like she hadn't ruined all their lives? First with her sudden presence in Roswell and her demand that everyone follow a Destiny prescribed for them in a different lifetime. And then..."Max, she kept your son from you for five years!" Even if she was innocent of Alex's murder, she was not innocent of much else.

"I know," Max agreed, "and I haven't forgiven her for that."

"Then how can you just sit here and say that..."

"Liz, I don't have a choice," he interrupted, and his voice was tinged with frustration and annoyance. She looked at him sharply, and saw the way his eyes were narrowed, saw how the lines around his eyes had grown deeper. She felt her anger fade slightly as she realized just how hard he was working to keep it together, to keep the group safe.

She dropped her gaze.

"Maria is dead, Jesse is dead, and you were pretty close to it as well... We need Tess."

"Yeah, I know..." Liz gave a dry chuckle. "More than one version of you has told me that."

Max seemed about to reply, when the door to the hotel room swung open, and three more people appeared, two of whom she did not recognize. One, a redheaded woman, was carrying a little boy in her arms, and she made a beeline straight for Tess. The other, a man with a quiet appearance and a gently questioning gaze, came towards Max.

"I'm sorry. I... Tess told us what happened. And I... I mean, I know this sounds pretty... pathetic... but I am sorry."

Max ran a hand through his hair. "Thank you, Charlie."

Jim entered last, and he shut the door behind him. His gaze traveled the length of the room, landing ever so briefly on Tess, before moving past her towards Michael. He stared at the taciturn hybrid for a moment, as though studying his appearance, before turning his gaze away towards Max and Liz.

"Liz," he greeted, giving her a nod.

She narrowed her eyes at him. She remembered all the times Amy had tried to get through to him, all the times he had shut the door in her face, refusing to be a part of the group any longer. She remembered all the times Maria, in a fit of rage, would come to her window and complain about how her mother was so upset by this sudden change in Jim's behavior, and although she knew the truth, she couldn't tell her what was going on. And now he actually dared to show up here and pretend like he cared?

"Jim," she mimicked, but their was no friendly look in her eyes.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better," she answered shortly. "And so much worse."

"I know. I... I heard about... I'm so sorry, Liz. I can't imagine what... what you are feeling..."

Liz looked at him, really looked at him, and in her eyes were reflections of all the accusations she could think to make. Things would have been different, so different, if the two Valenti men hadn't been so stubborn, so adamant in their refusal to have anything to do with the people who had once been their friends. How many times had Amy ended up nearly in tears? How many times had Maria confided that she felt so helpless to do anything but watch her mother fall apart? How many times had they all grieved Alex's death and tried to deal with Tess' betrayal without the support of two people who actually mattered to them?

And now that Maria was dead, Jim finally decided to start caring?

"No," she agreed, "you can't imagine what I am feeling."

But whatever tirade of blame and anger was about to fall from her lips was cut off by the feel of a small hand pressing against her knee. She looked down, and found herself staring into a perfect replica in miniature of Max... except for Tess' brilliant blue eyes.

"Uncle Charlie says you are not feeling good." His voice was high-pitched, really more of a squeak than anything else. His expression was filled with concern and innocent curiosity and a idealist trust that could only be found in children. "When I feel icky, Mommy kisses the owwie and makes it all better."

"Oh, Alex, sweetheart," Tess said, moving quickly towards her son, "don't bother Max and Liz right now."

But Liz looked up and shook her head. "It's not a bother, Tess," she said softly, and it was the first time she had said the hybrid's name without feeling a surge of fury. Her hatred had not lessoned any, but it was hard to stare at the little upturned face and not feel like maybe there were a few good things left in this world after all. She could not help but smiling. "It's not a bother at all."

Tess hesitated, but then nodded. "Alright," she murmured, and moved back towards Nick.

"Why didn't you stop him?"

Isabel started at the question, but even though it caught her by surprise, there was no mistaking the meaning. She stared at Michael, eyes wide, but the guilt was quickly covered by anger and she lashed out, "Why didn't you?"

Michael flinched, and she wondered what he saw when he closed his eyes. Maria's lifeless eyes? Or how she threw herself forward to protect Liz? Or the mocking triumph of the alien moments before he was killed?

"I tried," Michael hissed, "which is more than you did. You just stood there!"

"That is not true," Isabel spat angrily, fiercely. "But you got injured, so I had to worry about you, didn't I?"

"Is that what you will say at Maria's funeral?" Michael answered cruelly, his words twisting a wound deeper and deeper into Isabel's already crumbling spirit. "That you decided not to save her because you couldn't be bothered to help two people at the same time? It would be far too much trouble, wouldn't it?"

Isabel looked up at his face, at the fury etched into every line of his expression. In the stages of grief, he seemed stuck on anger. Pure, raw, and vicious. "At least you have a chance to give Maria a funeral," she answered softly. "At least you got the chance to say goodbye."

Michael shook his head and moved away from her. "Is that supposed to make me feel better? Should that take away the pain now that Maria is gone?"

Isabel didn't reply. What could she say to that, anyway? It wasn't her fault that the alien had been so strong, wasn't her fault that Michael had been so quickly defeated, wasn't her faultthat Maria had made the decision to save Liz's life. But if Michael thought it was hard to deal with this now, he had no idea how she felt knowing that she would most likely never get the chance to bury Jesse, to say goodbye to the man she loved, the man she had sworn to love for all time.

Especially now that they were exposed, their powers out in the open for all to see...

Would Jesse even get buried, or would some organization steal his body to dissect it, to see if perhaps he was an alien as well. Would the grief never end, the losses never cease?

"Stop thinking about Jesse!" Michael snapped, cutting into her thoughts with his pointed remark. "Stop wasting your time wishing for someone who is gone. Maybe if you had been thinking about those of us who were still alive, you wouldn't have been so easily distracted. Maybe Maria would still be alive!"

In an icy tone, she answered, "Would you still feel that way, Michael, if it was me telling you to stop wishing for Maria?" He didn't reply, and she didn't wait for him to find his voice again.

Turning on her heel, she stalked back into the hotel room in time to see Liz talking to little Alex. Tess was slowly backing away from the two, rejoining her boyfriend, and Liz seemed finally to have regained some of her color, some of the light that was usually in her eyes.

Isabel's gaze slid to Jim.

"What are you even still doing here?" she asked crossly, folding her arms over her chest and glaring at him.

Her question seemed to cause some consternation to Max, who said with a suddenly worried expression, "If the exposure gets out, people will go after Mom and Dad, too. And the Parkers. And Ms. DeLuca."

"And Kyle and I," Jim murmured.

"Huh," Isabel sneered, "looks like you can't escape us after all. Not for lack of trying, though. Maybe you should just go back to Roswell and worry about yourself and Kyle. Just ignore the rest of us. You're so good at that."

"Isabel..."

But Isabel was in no mood to listen to his pleas for understanding. She turned away from him and stared hard and Max and Liz, both of whom seemed wrapped up in their own thoughts. At some point, Alex had climbed on to the bed next to Liz, and was staring from one adult to another, mouth hanging slightly open. Neither Liz, nor Max noticed this, but Nick did, and he walked forward quickly.

"Alex, buddy, why don't you and I go play in the other room?" he suggested, gesturing towards the room that adjoined this one.

Alex pouted, "But I want to play with Mommy's friends."

Isabel gave a snort of disbelief at that comment. "Friends?" she whispered, low enough that only Tess and Kate could hear. "Didn't realize we were friends again, Tess." Tess looked at her, but did not respond to the comment, and Isabel shook her head, watching Nick lead Alex out of the room. Just a few hours ago, she had pitied the petite hybrid Queen. Just a few hours ago she had felt some sympathy for the two Valentis. Just a few hours ago, it had been Michael and Max comforting her, instead of this tension, this disagreement.

Just a few hours ago, Maria had been alive.

Things were different now, and she had no idea if she would ever be able to forgive Tess, Jim, and Kyle for what had happened in the past. Or Michael, for what he was doing to her in the present.

"I just spoke to Serena," Kate said, her voice breaking the silence. "My sister," she added, for anyone who didn't know. "She says the law firm she and Isabel's husband worked at is swarming with people right now. She thinks they might be CIA or Military. I guess word of the exposure if traveling fast."

That bit of information elicited a stream of questions from everyone else.

"Who are you?" Liz demanded.

"Wait, your sister and Jesse worked together?" from Michael, who had just stepped back into the room.

"Why isn't the FBI doing something to prevent this?" Isabel wondered aloud.

"That's Kate," Max answered Liz. "She's a friend of Tess'. Human. But she knows about us." To Isabel, he added pointedly, "Who knows what the FBI thinks or how it acts?"

"I don't know," Tess mused thoughtfully. "I doubt they would have wanted things to spread this quickly. It certainly doesn't help their cause... regardless of what their cause actually is. But maybe they just didn't have time to take care of it."

Isabel opened her mouth to reply, but one look at the expression on Max's face stopped her. He was staring hard at Tess, as though trying to figure something out. And when he finally spoke, she found herself gaping at him in shock.

"The alien who attacked Liz... he said he didn't work for Khivar."

"What?" That response came from almost everyone gathered.

"But he said... he said you would know who he was," Max continued, looking at Tess. "He said... he said you turned your back on them... but he wouldn't let us ruin his plans this time around."

Tess frowned at Max, clearly trying to figure out who the stranger could have been. After a moment, however, her eyes widened in horror, and she whispered, "Oh, God..."

"Who was he?"

Tess turned to Isabel, her expression still filled with terror. "He was part of a very extremist rebel group. They oppose Khivar and they want the Royal Four back, but they also..." She trailed off, shaking her head. "They believed that, as hybrids, you were weaker... too human. Their mission statement includes ridding you... ridding us... of all ties to Earth. That included Liz and Maria... your parents... Jim and Kyle... and making you forget your human lives."

"When did you cross paths with them?" Isabel asked with morbid curiosity. Tess looked clearly uncomfortable with this line of questioning, as though she was remembering something she'd rather forget, but Maria was dead because of these people, and Isabel had little sympathy for whatever Tess did not want to disclose.

"After the rebels... the more centrist rebels, that is... helped me escape from Khivar's prison. A few of these people approached me in the camp and asked for my participation, my cooperation... I said no and they were... displeased." She lowered her gaze slightly, and it was clear that their displeasure had been much more than just vocal. "They called me a traitor to the cause and tried to..." She stopped, shaking. "They thought my baby was..." She shook her head fervently, and looked up at Max. "They wanted to get rid of Alex before he was born. I..."

She didn't finish the story, but Max had gone completely pale, his lips pressed together tightly, his hands clenched into fists. "I thought only Khivar could be so evil..." he whispered.

Tess gave a choked laugh. "The war isn't quite so clear-cut, Max. You have a lot of enemies, and not all of them support Khivar."

A silence met those words, and then Isabel corrected, "No, Tess. We have a lot of enemies. And they're after all of us."

"What do you want, Tess?" Michael demanded angrily as the blonde Queen stepped into his hotel room. The others were still meeting in the opposite room, but Michael could no longer just stand there and listen to strategy now that Maria was gone. Nick and Alex were in the room as well, but on the other side, far enough away to give Michael his much-needed personal space.

"How are you doing?" Tess asked.

Michael chuckled darkly. "How do you think I am doing?" he spat. "And why do you actually care?"

"Because Khivar is after my son," Tess replied evenly, "and I'd like to know you are still sane enough to protect him."

Michael rolled his eyes, feeling strangely numb and livid at the same time. "Good to know you care," he said sarcastically.

Tess retorted, "Like you actually care about me." There was a pause, and then she added, "If you want to talk…"

"Why would I ever want to talk to you?" Michael asked pointedly.

"Because you just killed someone, and I know what that feels like," Tess replied simply.

"Right, because being controlled by the skins is so similar to…"

"I wasn't talking about Alex," Tess interrupted softly. He looked at her sharply, and she stared back without the slightest trace of emotion on her face.

"The extremist rebels who wanted to prevent your son from being born…" Michael breathed, staring at Tess as though he was seeing her for the first time. "What did you do…?"

"I protected my son," Tess said simply, but the truth in her words was so blinding bright that Michael could think of nothing to say in reply. She held his gaze for another beat, before adding, "Alex was not the only person who is now dead because of me. But he is the only one who I can say I didn't kill of my own volition. The others… self-defense, or protecting my son… that's what happens in a war, but still… I know what it feels like to want someone dead. To wish with every particle of your being that they feel the same pain and fury and helplessness that has just been inflicted on you… and I know what it feels like to go through with that wish."

Michael looked away from her. Nick was staring at Tess with an indescribable look on his face, but Tess wasn't looking at her boyfriend. Michael wondered vaguely if that was on purpose, if she was too afraid to see what might be reflected in his eyes, if she didn't want to know his opinion of what she had done in the past.

He remembered, all those years ago, killing Pierce. And how it had destroyed him inside, tearing him apart until he no longer even recognized himself.

It occurred to him, in that moment, that he had no idea what Tess had gone through on Antar. Just like she had no idea what they had gone through on Earth. But maybe, just maybe, they had all gone through the same thing.

War.

"I'm sorry, Tess," he murmured, although he had no idea what he was apologizing for anymore.

She looked at him and sighed. "Yeah. I'm sorry, too."