Published March 15, 2009

A Child in Spirit

"DIE, DIE, DIE!" Link's problem began when he encounter an Armos Statue in the first room. Without his shield he was helpless against the armed stone, and it chased him around the room.

"Use weapons!" Navi reminded. "You have things that aren't your sword!"

"Well they all suck, I need you to help!"

Navi stole Link's shield and smashed the statue to pieces. Link took credit for the victory and went through one of the doors to see a huge chasm with a silver rupees and Fire Keese on the other side. Navi took a single look at him and knew what he was thinking. "You won't make it."

Link jumped… and latched onto Navi. "Fly me to the other side!"

"My legs are coming off, let go you shit!"

"FLY, FLY, DIE!"

"LINK!"

"FLYYYYYYY!"

This didn't turn out too well for anyone, aside from Navi. That means that it didn't turn out well for Link when Navi threw him in the chasm. It wasn't too bad, Link recovered easily using his double jump and spin attack. Wait, that's the wrong game, never mind. He actually plummeted and experienced a rather painful impact.

Their next room was the other door from the Armos Knight room. Link walked through and was greeted by Gate. "Took you long enough. What was that high pitch, glass breaking scream I heard?" the fairy questioned.

"That... was... Navi!" Link stuttered out. "She fell." He was answered with two blank stares. "Well you're a guy fairy!"

A Stalfos interrupted this awkward moment. "I'm not in the mood for your shenanigans Harry Boner!" Gate kicked him into the pit.

"Another random moment?"

Gate paused for a moment. "Sure, why not."

After some progress the trio entered a room with some type of flying mummy hovering opposite of them. "It's an Anubis, it will mimic your movements, but it's weak to fire," Navi reported. "Try to use some kind of fire weapon against it."

Link wasn't listening, he was staring down the Anubis. Link moved to the left, it moved to the left. Link took a step forward, it moved forward. He leaned to the right, it leaned to the right. This could go on for a while.

The Navi-Gate duo picked Link up and threw him over to a far ledge, making the Anubis hover to the ledge opposite of him. "Link, that crystal over there makes fire spout up in front of the door the Anubis is beside," Navi explained. "Stand where you are and don't move, we'll kill it and then tell you that you can move, okay?"

"Can do!" Link exclaimed, slightly dazed from being thrown. Navi smacked the crystal, activating the fire. "AGH!" She turned to see Link standing in front of the door on fire.

"How the hell did that happen?!"

"I thought I saw a rupee…" He was thrown back to the other side and the Anubis was once again in position.

"Watch Link to make sure he doesn't do that again," Navi ordered and Gate nodded. She hit the switch again and turned to see Link aflame. "Gate?"

"The Mango Emperor chased the echidnae to the summer fair," Gate told her.

"Gate, what the hell was that about?"

"I hate to repeat things, you'll have to go by what you heard," Gate snapped. Navi punched the younger male fairy in the head and continued her attempts at killing the Anubis.

It eventually died, courtesy of Barinade! "When did you get here?!" Navi asked, very surprised.

"I FOLLOWED YOU since the part where you hopped the fence," Barinade explained. "King Dodongo and Gohma left once you disappeared, but I decided to wait!" He flailed his tentacles.

"Who are you?" Gate asked. Link and Navi groaned.

"I am the ultimate existence, the one true master of all living things, the king of all kings! I… AM… BARINADE!" he roared, stretching his limbs to appear larger.

"And I'm the lord of the jungle, Tarzan," Gate droned. "Let's get going."

Barinade stared at the sheer disrespect and contemplated obliterating the fairy, but Link placed his hand on its shoulder. He shook his head, and the group continued.

"Watch for shadows," Navi warned. "There may be monsters hanging from the ceiling."

"Why didn't you tell us this at the beginning of the temple?" Link asked.

"Because I don't care if you or Gate gets hurt. Barinade here's the only capable one!" Barinade hissed in delight, causing Link to look for a mouth on the monster. His attempts were unsuccessful. A shadow began to form around Link, growing steadily wider. "Link, what did I just say?"

"You don't care if I get hurt?"

"Exactly. So don't take it personally when I allow this to happen."

Link was grabbed by the Wallmaster and pulled into the ceiling, where they didn't see him return from. The shadow reappeared around Gate, and it grabbed him and delivered a similar fate. The Wallmaster latched onto Barinade and attempted to grab the monster too, but that failed horribly. Barinade grabbed the hand. "YOUR NAME IS NOW TIMOTHY. YOU ARE MY FRIEND." The Wallmaster agreed out of extreme fear.

Link and Gate fell to the ground at the entrance. "Well this is inconvenient," Link muttered, not caring that Nabooru was gone. "Let's catch up."

The duo went back to where the Armos Statue had attacked, but Link saw a hole in the wall. "Why didn't we try that earlier?" Link asked, and Gate shrugged. Link crawled through to see a locked door.

"I guess we need a key."

"Nonsense!" Link took out the Master Sword. "My handy lock pick is at the ready!"

Gate eyed the legendary sword. "Shouldn't that have… you know, made you an adult?" Link thought for a moment, a rare occasion, and shrugged before using the sword to open the door.

Barinade, meanwhile, had collected the silver rupees and merely broke open the chest to get a key. "I, BARINADE, have found something shiny!"

Navi took the key. "Let's find the door it opens."

"I, BARINADE, shall lead the way!" He stormed out the door. Navi contemplated suicide but decided against it. Seeing Link die first would be more preferable.

Link climbed up a wall and found himself in a large room. There was a sun icon on the ground and a crystal switch elevated above the ground. "I like this place. When I grow up, I want to live in this room!" Two Lizofols jumped from a high up ledge. He noticed that one had burn marks and the other had scars. "Hey, you're the two from the tavern! Whatcha doing way out here?"

The burned Lizofol pounced at Link and struck with a vertical slash, which Navi, who had burst out of no where, parried with the Kokiri Sword. Barinade soon followed from the hole, breaking things.

"I've been on a non-stop adventure, no time for rest. It's been dull, and Navi's been a bitch…"

Navi dodged a strike from the scarred Lizofol, retaliating with a stab. The burned one intercepted for its friend and they both ganged up on Navi.

"…You two have probably been resting the whole time, with those wounds and all. It must have been nice, aside from the intense pain…"

Barinade assisted Navi, pushing back the scarred Lizofol enough to make the other retreat temporarily, giving them some time.

"I, the great BARINADE, shall stay and fight these two beasts. You three move on ahead so I, BARINADE, can do my job without distractions… I AM BARINADE." Link, Navi, and Gate moved on while Barinade and Timothy stayed behind. "Let us fight!"

-Through the door-

"His sacrifice won't be in vain, let's reach the end of this temple!" Link exclaimed.

"Sacrifice…?" Navi and Gate both stared at Link, with Navi speaking. "He could kill those things six times before they die!"

"I wanted to be dramatic. Can we just go?" Link walked into the massive room that they found themselves in. "Wow!"

"No time to observe, continue the quest!"

"Aw…"

The next room had a Silver Rupee and sun block puzzle, but since that was boring we'll skip it.

Link entered a large throne room with a heavy armoured figure residing on the throne. "Hi!" Link greeted. There was no response.

Barinade attacked the Lizofols with electricity, but his boss strategies weren't working very well. "Maybe I should be less linear," he muttered after getting hit. "Timothy! Help!" The Wallmaster was unsure exactly how to help, being unable to lift them. "Find back up!" It jumped out the hole in the wall, only to die in the sunlight. "Well I didn't think that one through…"

The scarred Lizofol laughed at his misfortune. "YOU DARE LAUGH AT ME, THE GREAT BARINADE?!" It nodded. "Oh. Well… DIE HORRIBLY and PAINFULLY and hopefully in an ACCIDENT in the NEAR FUTURE caused by an intoxicated JELLYFISH which will ATTACK you on a vacation in Lake HYLIA sometime next AUTUMN after you win the LOTTERY through sheer LUCK!"

Link approached what Navi had identified as an Iron Knuckle. "I'm telling you Link, it's a hostile monster! It doesn't want to be your friend and have sleepovers!"

The boy waved off Navi's preposterous theory. "I'm Link, want to be my friend and have a sleepover?" It didn't respond, merely sitting perfectly still. "Must be asleep, let's throw stuff at it!" He threw a Deku Stick which bounced off its helmet, resulting in a grunt but no movement.

"How badly do you think this will end?" Navi asked Gate.

"As badly as a fish playing Banjo Tooie against a coconut."

"I always say I want to kill you all, but I think that if one of you were to leave then I would seriously miss your antics." Gate smiled brightly.

The burned Lizofol dodged one of Barinade's electrical currents and attacked with a swift thrust. Barinade blocked it before attacking with more electrical currents. This was also dodged and countered. The pattern repeated for several minutes before both sides realized that this was going no where.

"Time out!"

The Lizofols huddled while Barinade thought to himself. 'What would Timothy do in this situation…?' He concluded that the Wallmaster would throw one of the Lizofols out the hole in the wall and push the second down an elevator shaft.

Link heaved a large boulder at the Iron Knuckle, knocking it clear off the throne. It roared in anger before rising and slowly walking toward the boy. "There we go! Let's start over. I'm Link!"

It swung its massive axe which Link sidestepped. Link, finally figuring out that this was a battle, took out his sword and stabbed the Iron Knuckle's gut. It was completely unfazed and knocked him back with the butt of its weapon. "Oh come on! That should have hurt!" He jumped, slashing a huge gash through its head. No reaction, just an attack. "WHY WON'T YOU FEEL PAIN?!" The Iron Knuckle swung at Link who hid behind the throne.

"Problems Link?" Navi asked.

"What's this thing's weakness?" Link questioned. "Gate, find its weakness!"

Gate glanced at the approaching beast. "Keep hitting it!"

"Are you retarded? I slashed its head in half!"

The Knuckle smashed the throne to bits and picked Link up by his collar, hurling him into a pillar head first. Link crashed and stood up. "Sucker! You can't brain my damage anymore than it already is!" Some grey fluids leaked out of his ear.

Barinade planned this out perfectly. It was his only chance to win this battle. He blasted some electricity which separated the two Lizofols. He aimed for the burned one and lashed out to grab it. It dodged it and cut his tentacle in half. "Oh. That's bad."

After some extensive surgery the limb had been reattached, so the battle could continue. The two Lizofols began a coordinated attack on Barinade who latched onto the ceiling for some thinking time. "Let's see, they're fast, have access to sharp things-"

A sword flew up through his side.

"…and can throw."

He fell to the ground as the scarred Lizofol cheered in victory… until Barinade landed on it. The burned Lizofol was surprised at first, angry at second, confused at third, joyous at fourth, impartial at fifth, and psychotic at the end.

Barinade got off of the crushed one and picked up its sword. "We duel to the death!" It turns out that he doesn't know how to use a sword, and was losing very badly. He hadn't landed a hit in like 15 minutes of fighting.

The Iron Knuckle broke the pillar Link was hiding behind. "Crap, I'm out of pillars!"

Navi flew up to him. "Fight back! Maybe Gate's right for once!"

"Hey, I've been right before!"

"Shut up. Attack when it has just attacked and is recovering!"

Link decided to take this advice. The Iron Knuckle made a horizontal slash and Link lunged. It made another horizontal slash which knocked him clear out of the air. "YOU SUCK NAVI!"

The Iron Knuckle slowly approached Link, intent to finish him, when Link threw his sword at it. The small blade imbedded itself in its chest, doing nothing. "Now you have no sword!" Navi snapped.

Link searched his pocket to find something, anything, and took out a Deku Stick. "This is all I have left aside from a whole bunch of Bombchus!" Link groaned. The Knuckle swung, Link dodged and lunged with his stick. The Iron Knuckle's armour shattered to pieces.

Navi facepalmed at this. "You have got to be kidding me…"

"I told you to just hit it," Gate sang, hovering passed Navi.

With this the Iron Knuckle got faster. It could actually jog now! Link armed himself with his trusty Deku Stick and began his assault on the Iron Knuckle. He smacked it in the shoulder which resulted in a flinch.

"I STABBED YOU IN THE HEAD, AND YOU FLINCH TO THAT?!"

"This is getting ridiculous," Barinade growled. "I am BARINADE, how can I not beat this mere thing?" The Lizofol hissed in delight. "You call that a hiss?"

It nodded.

"THIS is a hiss!" Barinade hissed at the Lizofol, and a hissing match began. Soon a new battle had erupted, they were each trying to have the most fearful hiss. Barinade hissed a hiss that went ultrasonic, causing the Lizofol's ears to bleed. "I have won! Beat that bitch!"

The Lizofol, a sore loser, lunged with its sword but Barinade grabbed it by the arm. He lifted the creature and threw it out the hole in the wall. "Why didn't I do that earlier? Whatever, time to see how Link's doing."

Link blocked the massive axe with his godly Deku Stick and deflected the blow. Navi and Gate were betting on how long that stick would last. Navi had three more hits, Gate had forever. Link seemed to be winning now that he had the stick on his side, and the Iron Knuckle was starting to lose.

"Fear the power of my stick!"

He smacked the Iron Knuckle's head with the stick, even with its slightly faster running speed it was still losing. With the amazing stick in his hand Link seemed to become 10x more skillful, the stick was simply a god in flora form. The Iron Knuckle knew that against the stick it stood no chance.

"I am awesome!" Link proclaimed as the Iron Knuckle finally died. He smacked the stick off the wall… resulting in it shattering to slivers.

"So who won?" Navi asked.

"Hmm… Me."

"Ha ha, funny man."

Barinade broke down the door. "Fear not! I, BARINADE, have come to save you all from the threat Link cannot handle!"

"I killed it already."

"Wha- But- You're supposed to- How… Fairy person, does he speak the truth?"

"Yes," Gate said.

"Other fairy person."

"Yes," Gate said once more. Barinade turned to face him, at least that's what they assumed, before Navi answered.

"He killed it with a Deku Stick," Navi responded. "I can't explain it… he just got so much better with that stick!"

Link was currently crying over the remains off his stick. With some encouragement from the ghost of Timothy, Link overcame his sorrows and managed to go through the door that opened with the Knuckle's death.

Barinade approached Timothy's ghost. "So how is it being dead?"

The Wallmaster made a noise that could be translated as: "Meh."

Link found himself outside, and in front of him was a chest. "Looks like we're at the end of the road."

"Yes you are."

Link wished he could grab his sword and attempt to cut his head off, but was frozen by fear. "No… No no no no NO NO NOOOOOOO!"

Kae Gae chuckled at this. "I bet you had hoped that you'd never see me again. Your hopes were misled!"

"Damn you, WHY?!" Link fell to his knees before Kae Gae smacked him.

"Quick being melodramatic. I'm here to tell you that I'm pleased that you learned the benefits of traveling through time. You can do so many- STOP THAT!" He took Link's Kokiri sword to stop him from killing himself.

"You can't tell me what to do!"

"I just did. Now listen, I actually have some good advice today. I was scouting earlier, and-"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Link asked.

"It means that he went ahead and looked," Navi explained.

"What's that prove?"

"He knows more than you."

"Not a difficult accomplishment," Gate interjected.

"Let me talk!" Kae Gae yelled. "There are two witches in this temple. To defeat them, turn their magic back against them!"

The group stared at the owl, who stared back, done. "Can you give us any more info? Like where to find them, their powers…"

"No."

"It does not matter what their weaknesses are. I, BARINADE, can defeat anything!" Barinade exclaimed. "Does one of their weaknesses happen to be electricity?"

"No."

Barinade was now sad. He'll be okay though, we all know it.

The group heard voices coming from below the ledge they were on. Link looked into the Desert Colossus to see Nabooru and two floating people. "Hey it's that Gerudo person whose name we never found out! Let's yell out to her!"

"No."

"You're mean…"

A portal suddenly appeared under Nabooru and began to suck her in. She looked up and saw Link. "Link, get out of here! These witches are using black magic on me!"

"If she hadn't yelled out they probably wouldn't have noticed us," Barinade pointed out when the two witches looked at them.