Sigh.
Don't trust me when I make promises.
Chapter 21: A Normal Life
Yuki glanced at the body of his third world self. "What are you talking about? Shouldn't we just leave it here for the police to find?"
"We could," Murmur Two answered. "But when Murmur Three and I found him, we thought there might be something else we could do."
"What do you mean?" he asked, concerned that they were suggesting to do something with the body.
"If you want, you can take his place," suggested Murmur Three.
Yuki blinked, then looked at the two of them, wondering if they were serious. Take the place of his third world self?
No, the idea was unthinkable. He didn't want to take advantage of the death of his third world self like that. It was wrong.
"I'm not doing that," he answered.
Murmur Two tried to convince him. "Look-
"No, I'm not going to just take his life for myself." He looked briefly at the body again. It really was grotesque, he didn't want to think about what the insane Yuno had done. "Can we leave now? I don't like looking at it."
The Murmurs didn't respond, except for Murmur Three taking the body into the Cathedral.
Murmur Two tried again. "Yuki, I think it would be best for you if you did this. Haven't you said before that you want a normal life? This is the best way to have one. You won't have to pretend to be someone else or forge documents. You can just be yourself."
He didn't answer, but judging by the look on his face, he seemed to be at least tempted by the idea.
Yet he didn't change his decision. "I can't."
"Yuki, at least consider how his parents would feel if they found out he'd died," said Murmur Two. "Do you want them to suffer?"
"Of course I don't want that, but that doesn't mean I'll happily pretend to be him!" he answered. "I'm not like he was. I'm not their son, and I'm not him!"
"You're still close enough that they might not be able to tell the difference," suggested Murmur Three. "Besides, you'd still have to pretend to be something you're not if you want to somehow live a normal life. Why not just take the easy route?"
Yuno spoke up. "Yukki, I think you should do it."
"What?"
"I know you miss your parents. Even if you say that the parents of your third-world self aren't your actual parents, they aren't that different. It's not wrong to live with them as if they're your actual parents. I want you to do what will make you happy." She walked up to him and wrapped her arms around him.
Even if what she said was true, Yuki realized that she probably had more selfish reasons for wanting him to live out in this world as his old self. This way she'd see him more often, he wouldn't have to hide his face, they'd go to school together, and she'd be able to visit him more often if he lived in the third world instead of making her lie about going to the Cathedral.
But . . . maybe he shouldn't be so dismissive about the idea.
"I'll think about it," he replied after leaving Yuno's embrace. He turned to the Murmurs. "You two hold onto the body until I make my decision."
They nodded. Murmur Two seemed pleased that he was considering it more carefully. Yuki realized that she really believed that this would be the best for him.
He decided to go to the Cathedral, and the four of them left. However, he noticed that Murmur Two had already cleaned the blood, as if assuming that he'd ultimately decide to live as his third world self.
Actually, it would be strange if someone saw a pool of blood in the street. Although that didn't mean Murmur Two had that in mind when getting rid of it.
The four entered the throne room, both Murmurs went off to deal with the body. Yuki and Yuno went to their bedroom.
Along the way, Yuno tried and failed to stifle a yawn.
"Tired?" asked Yuki. After all, it was the middle of the night.
"Just a bit," reassured Yuno. "But I'm too happy to sleep right now, I'm just so glad to have you back."
He smiled, although now that he got a closer look at her, she seemed more than just a bit tired. She was struggling to keep her eyes open, he guessed that the adrenaline rush from fighting her other self was wearing off. She must have gotten up in the middle of bed to save him.
"I'm happy to be with you too," he answered. He really was, right now, all the little problems in their relationship didn't seem to matter as much. They hadn't disappeared, but they could be solved.
Especially since he knew exactly how unstable Yuno could be.
Yuno tried and failed to stop another yawn, covering her mouth in annoyance. Damn it, this wasn't the time! Not when Yukki was back! She'd just use her powers to deal with it.
"You know, I think it would be best if you went to sleep," he said, before she did.
"No, no! I'm not tired!" At least, she wouldn't be in a moment.
Yuki smiled. "You are. Just go to sleep naturally Yuno, it'll be better if you don't use your powers."
"Are you going to sleep too?" she asked him.
He paused. "Not right now," he answered, shaking his head. "I need to think about my decision."
"Then I'll stay up to help," she suggested immediately.
He looked to the side awkwardly, "No, I-I need to be alone for a bit. Just go to sleep, okay?"
"But . . ." she trailed off, unsure of what to say. She'd taken it for granted that when he returned, they'd immediately spend time together. But now he wanted to be by himself?
Yuki sighed guiltily. Damn it, I wish she wouldn't look so disappointed. The look she was giving him almost made him change his mind.
He kissed her briefly on the lips, then looked her in the eyes. "I promise I'll be back in a bit," he said with complete sincerity. "It'll be better for you to rest, alright?"
She nodded.
Yuno went back to bed, although it felt a lot less lonely now that Yukki was actually back. She fell asleep almost immediately, just after he wished her good night.
Yuki closed the door.
He needed to find another room. Somewhere he could just sit down and think. His study would do. It was close by, and he could relax there.
Once he sat down at his desk, he let out an enormous sigh.
What in the hell! Couldn't the world give him a break? Hadn't he suffered enough in the survival game? Not to mention the time he'd spent grieving for Yuno.
The insane Yuno, he truly hoped that she really had been just a set of memories. He needed to believe it. Otherwise he wasn't sure whether he could handle the alternative. The thought of the girl he loved suffering like that made crushed his heart.
Especially when the unwelcome thought that he had killed her entered his mind. He put his head down in despair and guilt.
After all of his talking about helping Murmur One, telling Yuno again and again that she couldn't kill her, he'd been the hypocrite and done it instead. It had been to protect her, he knew that. If he had to make the choice between saving this Yuno or her other self again, he would have made the same decision, no matter how horrible he felt right now. This world's Yuno was the one he'd chosen.
That didn't change the fact that he could have prevented Murmur One's death if he had just regained his memories sooner. No, even after regaining his memories, he'd wasted time trying to convince the insane Yuno with words. He should have used his god powers immediately. If he'd just summoned those arms he could have stopped her before losing control over himself in desperation and stabbing her.
Stop, just stop, he thought to himself. He couldn't keep thinking about this, he'd just keep blaming himself over and over again and keep thinking of what he could have done.
He needed to come to a decision over whether to live in this world as his other self.
He really wanted too, very badly. He missed his parents, even if he'd never be able to tell them what he really wanted to, he wanted to meet with them, talk to them. He'd thought that he'd dealt with the desire when he'd talked to them in their dreams, but now he knew that it was still present.
Really, how could he have been so naïve? It was almost like thinking he'd be able to feel better if he had only seen or talked to Yuno once during his time in the second world and never being with her again. He knew that wasn't true, if he'd done that his heart would have ached more. He loved her, and he loved his parents, of course he'd want to be with them.
His mom's kind smile and her playful teasing. The happy times they'd had together playing video games. His dad's jokes and the made-up stories about his younger days. He smiled fondly as he thought about them.
The smile disappeared as he thought about how it had become possible for him to experience them again. Because the insane Yuno had killed his third world self.
Another thing to blame himself for, and quite frankly something that still scared him regardless of the fact that she was dead. What if she'd gone over the deep end when she'd been with him? Although he had his god powers, he hadn't remembered that he had them when he'd been with her.
Would she have healed him? After all, she hadn't done so for his third world self. Even if she had, that could have just led to a horrifying cycle of her traumatizing him and healing him, with him doing his best to retain his sanity. She might not have tried to tamper with his memories of those, probably fearing him remembering everything if she did. Although whether that would make it easi-
He shook his head furiously. He was doing it again!
I can't keep thinking about the insane Yuno. If it wasn't guilt running through his mind then it would be fear.
He sighed and stood up, maybe it would be better for him to get another opinion on living in the third world.
Murmur Two was sitting in the throne room, making sure the everything was functioning smoothly as she saw Yuki approach. She moved off the throne. It was fine for her to use it when she and Murmur Three were working, but Yuki and Yuno they should have the priority of being able to use it.
He looked around. "Where's Murmur Three?" he asked.
"Sleeping," she answered.
His eyes widened in surprise. "You guys sleep?"
"Sometimes." She shrugged. "We feel refreshed after a good nap every once in a while."
He flew up to the throne, increasing its size to fit him better.
"Are you still thinking about whether or not to take your chance living in the third world?" asked Murmur Two softly.
He nodded. "I just . . . it's wrong to just take his place."
"Can I ask why?"
"Do you really need to? It would be incredibly selfish! To pretend to be someone that I'm not, and . . . and just take the love of strangers for myself."
"I don't really see the problem with that," she replied nonchalantly. "You deserve to be a little selfish after all that time you wasted moping."
"No. Besides, they're not even my real-
She flew right to his face and stared him down. "Stop saying that they're not your parents. They are, or at least the closest you'll ever get. And I doubt you would get so upset about being selfish if you considered them 'strangers'".
Yuki stared at her in surprise momentarily, before admitting reluctantly. "Fine, you're right."
"Say that they're your parents."
He gave her an incredulous look.
Murmur Two ignored it. "Come on. Say it."
"Alright, alright," he said with an amused smile. "They're my parents. Happy now?"
"Yes, so when do you plan on joining them again?"
His smile faded. "I never said that I would."
Murmur Two looked at him with disappointment. "Really? Can't you at least consider how much it would hurt them to find out that their son is dead?"
"That would still be better than living in ignorance of their dead son and having him replaced with someone else." Yuki answered with more than a hint of anger at the low blow.
Murmur Two flew back a bit at the hostility in his voice. Suddenly, she realized something important. "I get it now," she muttered after a few moments. "So that's why you're so against it."
"What?"
She approached him and put a hand on his shoulder. "You know that you wouldn't be doing this for the same reasons Yuno did, right?"
"What?! What are you talking about?"
"The reason why you're so unwilling to take his place is because that's what Yuno did during the survival game," she answered as if it were obvious.
"No! That's not it at all!" he argued.
"Oh really?" she sneered. "Then listen to me and see if you can say that again once I'm finished."
"After Yuno won the first survival game," began Murmur Two. "She tried to bring your first-world self back to life, but she was unable to. When she found that out, she instead went back in time and created another world. Killing the Yuno of the second world and taking her place. Then-
"I already know what happened," said Yuki. "You don't have to tell-
"I do," interrupted Murmur Two. "Because you're ignoring the obvious truth and I need to shove it in your face. Now don't interrupt me again."
She continued once she was sure he'd keep his mouth shut. "Then, she played the survival game with you in the second world. That time, she tried to make sure you'd win, and especially so once she regained her memories of the first world. However, you refused to do so at the cost of her life. So instead, she decided to go to a third world and repeat what she did in an attempt to fulfill her insane desire of living with you, or more specifically a Yuki. Then, with the help of Ninth you managed to convince her to give up on that plan. Leading her to kill herself to ensure your survival and victory in the game."
"And just a few months ago, you reunited with this world's Yuno. Who had regained the memories of the one you had fallen in love with. But those memories also took root in one of us, a Murmur, which led to her going insane, capturing you, and you returning with both her and this world's Yuki dead."
Yuki sighed. "That still doesn't explain what makes you think that has to do anything with this."
She shook her head in disappointment. "I think it's pretty obvious how guilty you feel over all this happening. Not to mention the fact that how it ended is pretty ideal for your desire to live with Yuno in the third world."
"Even if you don't believe me, I'll say it as many times as necessary." continued Murmur Two. "This isn't the same as what Yuno did, the act that horrified you. You didn't want him to be killed, you didn't make the insane Yuno kill him, you're her victim just like he was. The fact that this ended so well is something you should take advantage of. Not something you should sit around moping about!"
Yuki considered her words. She was right in the fact that he hadn't done what Yuno did . . . but that still didn't make it right for him to replace his other self.
"And consider this too. Yuno, our Yuno, has been working herself ragged for the past few days looking for your stupid self. Her coming to save you was right in the middle of her sleeping for the first time in days. You might not think that's such a big deal considering she has god powers to help out, but staying awake under constant stress isn't fun. Her mind needed rest more than her body did."
Yuki hadn't thought about that. That's just like her to do that, he thought.
"If you live in the third world as yourself, you can easily fit back in and stay by her side. Take the opportunity for her happiness if you're not willing to do so for your own," suggested Murmur Two with a hint of reluctance. Yuno's other self seemed to indicate that she could follow the same path. Murmur Two was worried about Yuki's safety, even if she thought it might be better for him and Yuno to be separated, neither would agree.
This was the best choice for his happiness and safety.
For her happiness, the phrase echoed in his course, this decision would affect Yuno a lot too. It wasn't just about him.
"Is there anything else you need to say to me?" he asked her.
"No, that was pretty much it. Unless you still need some help making up your mind," she said with a mischievous grin. "I'm sure I could keep talking."
"Don't worry, I won't need any help," he replied with a laugh. "I'll tell you what I'll do tomorrow."
"Hmph, don't think you'll have as much time as you want. We won't be able to keep the choice open forever."
"I know." He moved off the throne. "See you later."
Yuki flew down to ground and walked back to the bedroom.
He'd had a feeling there was more to Yuno's exhaustion than just from waking up in the middle of the night. So it hadn't been wrong of him to tell her to sleep and not just get rid of her fatigue with her powers. He just wished he'd suggested it to out of concern for her well-being rather than using it as an opportunity to be alone.
What a great boyfriend he was, avoiding her just to get some peace. Getting himself captured like an idiot, leaving her all alone, making her fight her other self because he couldn't do anything.
He had to make it up to her. Their relationship couldn't have so much of him hurting and taking advantage of her like that, even if he didn't mean to. No matter how much she cared for him, he needed to realize that the possibility that he'd lose her love existed. He couldn't take her for granted.
Yuki stood by the bed so he could look at her. He forced himself to not be afraid, after all she looked the exact same as her other self.
There shouldn't be any fear, even if her appearance was, she wasn't the same. This Yuno had saved him, and she loved him rather than obsessively desired him.
Luckily, right now it was easier than it would have been otherwise to appreciate her. He'd always loved seeing her when she was asleep, she always seemed to be so calm and happy. It was such a sharp contrast to how she was sometimes when she was awake.
He reminded himself. He needed to love all of her, not just the parts of her that were easy to deal with.
Author's Note:
I can't apologize enough for what I've done. I hate it when there's a fanfic I really love and enjoy that's not updated for months and or worse just abandoned.
And now I've done one of those two. Sure, I gave an update a couple of months ago, but honestly I should have had this chapter up a week or two after that. It shouldn't have been two months.
I could give excuses, like college taking a lot of my time or the fact that I've also got a part-time job to help pay for my education. But honestly, I know I could have found the time to finish this a lot sooner, and I didn't.
I don't know why I do this. I actually have fun writing this, it's usually not a chore when I do it. (Unless I get writer's block, which usually doesn't last very long so I can't use it as an excuse) I like doing this, I'm not just doing this out of commitment to you guys.
It's just that whenever I go about my day-to-day life, whenever I think about continuing this fanfic it seems like a chore to me. Even though it really isn't and I just spent the last hour and a half finishing it which proves it. I started feeling this way a while ago, I have no idea why and I'm sorry you guys have to suffer because of that.
Anyway, I think I have enough story to keep this fanfic going for quite a while. Maybe even twenty more chapters. But I can't give you an accurate estimate of when they'll be written. Maybe I'll start feeling the same way as I did when I started and get it to you guys in a few weeks, maybe it'll be a lot longer.
P.S.
Wow, I just read the author's note for the last chapter and I feel even worse. There I'm apologizing for a chapter taking two weeks instead of the one it had taken before.