Chapter 21 – I Just Can't
Author's Note: Hello wonderful people! I am SO sorry this chapter took so ridiculously long! I actually had my wisdom teeth removed last week and slept for about three days straight because pain meds :/ Then I very randomly got swamped with work. Hopefully this chapter will make up for it though, it's pretty filler in terms of storyline since I'm trying to set up some great action for you guys, but there is a LOT of Spemily goodness, so get excited :D
This chapter is from Spencer's POV. I'm building up to it, but expect some of the major story arcs to be included soon (aka Dollhouse, Charles, Mona, etc). Let me know if there is anything you all would like to see more/less/some of in future chapters.
All mistakes are my own.
P.S. – Thanks again for reading, you all have no idea how much of a difference seeing one of your reviews can do for my day :) Cheers!
Disclaimer: None of the characters or story lines from Pretty Little Liars are mine. If they were, it would be one big Spemily story.
The Mom Squad ordered Aria, Hanna, Emily and me to try to relax and get some rest as soon as we arrived back to the house, officers still roaming around outside in dozens as they tried their best to keep A away from us. Personally, I didn't think the poor, bumbling fools of Rosewood PD stood much of a chance against a character like the one that had been torturing us for years. Our mothers, on the other hand, I was fairly certain it was A that didn't stand a chance against them.
"What are you thinking about?" Emily inquired softly, moving to sit between my legs and lean back against me, the warmth of her causing me to sink comfortably back into the pillows behind me with a contented sigh.
"How badass our moms are, and how we're going to be okay just as long as we stick together like we always have," I offered just as quietly, wrapping my arms tightly around her middle before placing a light kiss on her temple.
Emily just hummed and leaned further back into my embrace, covering my arms with her own. I would have been more than happy to stay like that forever.
"Will you two stop it with the annoyingly in love shtick you've got going on over there? It's making me nauseous," Hanna groused from across the room, rolling her eyes and sticking her tongue out at us playfully.
Aria chuckled even as her fingers continued to type out the three thousandth text she had sent Ezra in the past fifteen minutes. Caleb, on the other hand, couldn't stop laughing as he pulled his girlfriend closer to him and planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek.
"And here I was thinking you were a big fan of romance, Ms. I-Watch-Lifetime-Movies-Every-Night-Before-Bed-And-Cry-My-Eyes-Out-Like-A-Little-Baby," he teased, tickling Hanna's sides until she was squirming and slapping his hands away to get him to stop.
Hanna raised an eyebrow at her boyfriend and glared. Caleb put his hands up in mock surrender, but was still grinning at her like an idiot. It was adorable.
"And she says we're too cutesy," I chuckled to Emily, raising my eyebrow at Hanna until the blonde huffed in exasperation.
"Whatever, we're the cutest anyway, so it's not like it matters," Hanna contended, grinning at Caleb before pulling him in for a much longer than necessary kiss that definitely included a very unnecessary amount of tongue.
I gagged jokingly.
"The most grossly exhibitionist, you mean," Aria replied, looking up from her phone for about a millisecond before returning her focus, a playful grimace of disgust on her face.
Hanna swiftly grabbed a pillow and threw it straight at Aria's head, causing the short brunette to look up in shock that quickly turned to something much more mischievous. Aria grabbed the pillow that had been chucked at her and rapidly advanced on Hanna, starting a ridiculous pillow fight that lasted all of five minutes and yet somehow left both of our friends gasping for air.
Emily just rolled her eyes at them good naturedly before turning her upper body slightly so she could look back at me.
"I don't think they've got anything on us in the cute department, babe," she whispered almost seductively in my ear, causing me to shiver and tighten my arms around her instinctively.
"I would have to agree," I replied softly against her lips before leaning forward into another kiss, the sparks that seemed to ignite everywhere our bodies touched never getting old.
Emily's lips were like heaven, and I could barely contain a moan when she nibbled lightly on my lower lip before slipping her tongue into my mouth. My right hand immediately moved up to cradle her face and pull her closer, while the fingertips of my left slipped just under the waistband of her extremely tight jeans. Emily did moan, and I couldn't help but smirk knowing I had such an effect on her.
My smirk didn't last long though, because suddenly two pillows almost simultaneously hit me in the head about two seconds later.
That spurred an all out pillow war. Hanna spent at least twenty minutes using Caleb as a human shield, popping out to whack one of us before hiding behind her boyfriend again. Caleb eventually got tired of getting hit in the face and turned on her, making Hanna squeal loudly as he chased her around the room. Aria kept hiding behind furniture, venturing out for sneak attacks between her borderline obsessive texting sessions with Ezra. In the end, it was just Em and I facing off in the middle of the room, everyone else too distracted to participate.
"You're going down, Hastings," Emily smirked, bouncing back and forth on the balls of her feet like a tennis player, two pillows held firmly and watching me like a hawk.
"You wish, Fields," I teased, smirking right back at her before running forward, my own pillow raised high above my head and ready to strike.
We somehow both ended up on the floor, wrestling as we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt, the pillows long forgotten, thrown somewhere in the tussle and never picked up again. If I had still been playing field hockey, I could have pinned Emily in no time, but I was pathetically out of shape since I had quit the team. Unfortunately for me, Emily still swam almost every morning even though she wasn't competing anymore, and it took her barely two minutes to pin my back to the floor of the living room, hovering over me triumphantly, wearing a smug smile on her beautiful lips.
Okay, so maybe my situation wasn't actually unfortunate at all.
"Give up yet, Hastings?" My girlfriend inquired saucily, holding my wrists down firmly to the carpet above my head, her shins securely planted on my own so I couldn't move without serious effort.
"A Hastings never surrenders," I replied stubbornly, trying my best to look stoic and serious but only half accomplishing my goal as a small grin broke out across my face.
Emily's smirk just grew bigger as she leaned down towards me.
"Are you sure about that?" She asked in a whisper as her breath ghosted across my ear, causing goose bumps to break out across my body. She leaned even further down so that most of our bodies were brushing up against each other, and I couldn't hold back a moan as she continued to whisper in my ear. "Nothing could, perhaps, convince you to surrender to me?"
"I'm pretty sure I surrendered to you a long time ago, babe," I rushed out in a single breath before turning my head to catch her lips with my own, deepening our kiss almost immediately.
Finally breaking her loosened grip on my arms, I reached them around Emily's torso and pulled her fully on top of me, groaning rather embarrassingly as her hands almost immediately found their way into my hair. My girlfriend's fingernails scratched deliciously along my scalp as we continued to make out on the living room floor, not even caring that we probably had an audience. My right hand had just found its way into the back pocket of Emily's jeans, causing her to push further into me as she sighed contentedly into my mouth, when we were interrupted yet again by the clearing of someone's throat.
"Yeah, I don't think the pillow fight worked out quite the way you wanted it to, Han," Caleb chuckled as Emily and I broke apart, both of us blushing deep red as we turned towards our friends.
"I would agree with your mom and say you're like a horny teenage boy, but it would appear I'm just as bad, so I suppose we're both just a little too handsy for our own good," Em giggled as she climbed off of me, standing up and reaching a hand down to pull me up beside her as she sent an apologetic glance to the rest of the group.
"Oh, don't let Hanna and Caleb give you a hard time, we all remember what they were like when they first got together… I totally asked for a blindfold that Christmas just so I wouldn't have to see their tongues constantly down each other's throats," Aria laughed, still glued to her phone.
Her head jerked up as soon as Hanna punched her in the arm not so softly though, and the two had a scowling contest as the rest of us laughed.
"I love you guys," I offered sincerely, suddenly grateful that if I had to go through all the shit that had happened to us over the years, that continued to happen to us, at least I had them by my side.
Em squeezed my hand in response, and I knew she understood the unspoken sentiment harbored by my words.
Everything else could go to shit, but at least we had each other.
- Spemily -
Days passed with no new threats from A, and the silence terrified me more than anything. The police had no new leads, not that they would have shared them with us anyway, and we periodically got called in to go over our statements again and again. Holbrooke was officially under investigation, but somehow that didn't make me feel any safer given the circumstances, and we were all tense with anticipation of what was going to happen next. Even the Mom Squad was on edge, making sure we were never alone, banning any non-essential extra-curriculars, and holding secret meetings almost every evening to talk strategy.
It felt like punishment, even though I knew they were just trying to protect us, and it was driving all four of us absolutely nuts. I spent a good portion of my time demanding answers from anyone I could, and I could tell that everyone was getting fed up with my incessant need for information. Aria had completely withdrawn after about two weeks, barely talking to anyone other than Ezra and writing or photographing obsessively every chance she got. Hanna, on the other hand, was almost forcefully gregarious. Every chance she got, she was cheerfully trying to strike up a conversation about the most inane nonsense she could think of, trying to take our minds off the reality of our situation, and often making me want to strangle her.
Emily was the one who had me the most worried though. She was working out at least twice a day, sometimes three or four if she decided to swim in the morning, and dragging at least one other person along whenever she went for a run. We were still close, but she had stopped talking as much, sharing less and less as time passed. I couldn't read her as well as before, and it scared me. Protein shakes and energy shots replaced tea and lazy mornings in bed. Push-ups and crunches replaced late night talks about the future. She was always on edge, always on alert. Even with her bad shoulder, she was lifting an enormous amount of weight, and it seemed like the harder she worked the less she slept.
It was over a month of that insanity before I could even begin to get her to talk to me.
"Em, just stop for a second, take a breather, sit with me for a minute," I practically begged as she started doing push-ups on the floor of my bedroom, having come over after school to study for an English test we had the next day.
For once, she actually stopped and looked up at me. It must have been the crack in my voice that drew her attention. I actually blushed at how pathetic I must have sounded.
"Hey, hey, Spence, what's going on, babe?" Emily inquired softly as traitorous tears started rolling down my cheeks.
She stood and moved to my side as I furiously tried to wipe the tears away, grasping my hands as soon as she could reach to halt my movements. Kneeling in front of me, she placed a hand gently on my cheek and pulled up slightly until I was looking at her. My face could not have been more red; I was so ashamed of breaking down out of nowhere over nothing.
"Talk to me, sweetheart," Em whispered softly, not loosening her grip for a second.
Usually her touch would have calmed me, but her words sparked a powder keg that had been under pressure for far too long, and I couldn't help but explode at her.
"Talk to you?" I demanded incredulously, pulling away from her enough to use my hands as I spoke animatedly to emphasize my frustration. "I do talk to you! All the time! But you barely listen, let alone respond! I feel like even when it's just the two of us, right here in my room, you're not really even present. It has been weeks since we had a real conversation, and even longer since you're truly been honest with me about how you're feeling. All you do anymore is run and lift and watch those stupid YouTube videos about freaking Kung Fu or something. Your grades are terrible because you haven't slept more than four and a half hours a night in two weeks now, and you didn't even kiss me when you came over today! What the actual fuck, Emily?"
Now it was Emily's turn to cry, and I felt even shittier than before. She opened her mouth to try to respond, but only a sob came out, and I gathered her quickly into my arms, pushing my chair back and kneeling in front of her on the floor to get as close as possible.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry, please don't cry. I just miss you, and I'm worried about you, and I love you so much, and this radio silence from you is killing me because I want to make you happy and I know you're not happy, but you won't tell me why which means I can't…" I started rambling uncontrollably, only stopping when Em pulled me into a hard kiss that I immediately reciprocated before finding myself on my back on the floor, my girlfriend lying fully on top of me as she continued to assault my mouth with her own.
Every thought that had seemed so incredibly important two seconds before, flew right out of my head as soon as Emily's tongue met my own. Her hands grasped my own and pulled them above my head, her left hand holding both of mine firmly to the floor as her right slid roughly into my hair, pulling almost too sharply and causing me to groan rather loudly into her very insistent mouth. We had had hot and heavy make-out sessions before, but there was something so desperate about Emily's kiss that afternoon, that my heart broke for her even through the enormous amount of heat we were generating. After a few minutes, I had to pull away, intent on figuring out what was causing my girlfriend to virtually vibrate with pain.
"Emily, baby, talk to me, please. I can't stand to see you struggling like this and not know why," I whispered, gently breaking my hands out of her tight grip and running them softly up and down her tense back, kissing her gently on the cheek before searching to meet her eyes once more.
"I'm sorry, Spence. I'm so sorry. I never meant to push you away. I just… I just can't…" Em started, obviously struggling to express herself and almost biting through her lower lip in her frustration.
Leaning up, I kissed her softly again, coaxing her to let go of her tortured lip with a deep sigh.
"Shhh, sweetheart, it's okay, take your time. I'm right here, honey. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere," I offered sincerely, pulling her gaze to my own once more.
"I can't be the weak, naïve pawn anymore, Spencer. I won't be. Not when we have so much at stake. Not when you're at stake," Em whispered so quietly I almost couldn't hear her, shyly looking away from me as she spoke.
My heart melted and broke at the same time. I could finally read her again, her walls coming down as she offered her confession, and her body language said so much more than her words ever could. Emily had felt so helpless over the past couple of years, and being told things like she was the weakest link and the sweet, naïve one had not helped her confidence in her own abilities at all. She needed to know that she could protect herself, and suddenly the obsessive exercise made sense. More than anything, she wanted to be able to protect the people that she loved, and making herself physically strong enough to do so was the only way she could think to accomplish that. It was heartwarming and gut wrenching all at once.
"Well, as sexy as your superhero muscles are, Em, even superheroes need a break sometimes. And you can't be strong and protect anybody if you've driven yourself into the ground with exhaustion. I understand where this is coming from, I really do, but I think you've gone a little overboard because of all the stress we've been under. Workout everyday if you want to, up your weights every now and then, take a self-defense class or two, but take care of yourself while you do it, and leave some time for your really smart girlfriend to kiss you silly and help you pass your classes, yeah?"
I chuckled at the shy grin that settled on her face before she leaned down to peck me lightly on the lips. She nodded as she pulled away, and I calmed for the moment, knowing we were at least making progress back to where we had been a few weeks ago.
Then, a wicked glint came into Em's eyes, slowly making its way to her mouth and causing my stomach to flutter warmly in response.
"So, you think my muscles are sexy, huh?" Em questioned with a smirk before leaning down to whisper hotly in my ear. "Do you think my super smart girlfriend would be up for a little more than sharing study tips and, uh, what were your words? Kissing me silly?"
She finished off her question by nipping teasingly at my earlobe, and I swear the temperature in that room rose by at least twenty degrees. I was already burning up with desire, and she had barely touched me.
"Hmmm, I think she might be open to suggestion on that front," I replied with a sly grin, flipping a completely unsuspecting Emily onto her back and climbing on top of her. "You might have to wait your turn though…"
I nipped at her earlobe in retaliation before skipping over her lips completely and moving straight to her neck with fervor. Our emotionally charged afternoon had me on an adrenaline high, and I had never wanted to touch her and mark her and make sure she knew she was mine so much in my life. Taking a note from my girlfriend's book, I held both of her hands above her head with one of my own, attacking her neck with tongue and teeth as she squirmed underneath me, breathy moans escaping her mouth every time I bit down a little harder on the smooth skin of her throat. Feeling brave, I slid my free hand up her side, starting at her upper thigh and moving up teasingly slowly until I brushed the side of her breast, taking my time to move my palm just enough to cup her firmly through her shirt.
"Oh god, Spence," she whispered sexily before groaning once more, writhing a bit as she tried to break my hold on her hands, obviously needing more.
"God, you're perfect, Em," I groaned in response, tightening my grip with both hands as I let my lips find hers, finally, our tongues softly entwining as we moved against each other.
"Jesus, Spencer, again? Get a freaking lock on your door or something," Hanna's voice very inconsiderately flitted through the desire-leaden haze that had fallen over me, turning my lust into frustration in a millisecond.
Placing one final kiss on my very sexy girlfriend's lips, I untangled myself from Emily and stood, my face more than likely clearly showcasing just how displeased I was at the situation. Marching to the bedroom door, I slammed it shut, leaving a shocked Hanna still standing mutely on the other side.
"Get a life, Hanna!" I called to her mockingly before walking back across the room and pouncing on Emily once more, my hands probably a little too rough as I grasped at her possessively.
Em only let me kiss and grope her for a few more seconds before pulling away and raising her eyebrow at me expectantly. Huffing loudly, I just sank down onto the floor next to her, hanging my head dejectedly.
"Are you guys serious right now?" Hanna finally demanded, letting out a huff of her own but still firmly on the other side of the door.
I was about to reply with a perfectly witty and definitely scathing comment of my own, but Emily clapped her hand over my mouth before I could.
"Of course she's not serious, Han. Come on in. I promise we are both fully clothed," Emily called out before muttering to herself, "though not for lack of trying."
Her words did not help calm the burning heat that still sat low in my stomach, but they also made me giggle like a fifth grader with a crush, and Em's smile when she turned towards me totally made the frustration and embarrassment worthwhile. Even as Hanna opened the door to join us, I pulled my girlfriend's hand from where it still sat over my mouth, and took my time to lovingly kiss each and every one of her knuckles, all while staring directly into her gorgeous eyes. Emily blushed mildly at the gesture, while Hanna made gagging noises in the background.
"Great, you guys are back to being sickeningly adorable. Can you be giant cheese-balls elsewhere? No one wants to see all of that," Hanna groused as she came further into the room, waving wildly in our direction to try to show rather than tell what she was referring to.
I couldn't hold back my laugh at that, and I could feel Emily shake with a repressed chuckle of her own. Hanna rolled her eyes. Our blonde friend was about to continue her tirade, but Em surprised us both by gathering herself together enough to speak.
"Well that's not exactly true, Han," Em offered seriously before turning and gesturing wildly in my direction as our friend had just a moment ago. "You may not, but I definitely want to see all that, preferably without interruption though."
Em just smirked at me as soon as she was silent again, all smug and proud of herself. I am almost certain that I resembled a cherry tomato more than a human being as I took in the implication of her words. My hands were itching to throw Hanna out of the room and do just what Em was implying, but my girlfriend's adorable giggle kept me in check.
Her teasing was certain to be the death of me one day, but what a way to go.
"Ew, gross, I so did not need to hear that," Hanna groaned as she pretended to gag again before turning completely serious. "Joking about your excessive information sharing aside, have you guys heard from Aria today? I saw her at lunch, but she didn't show up to my house after school to study like she said she would. I tried calling and texting, but I haven't gotten a response. I'm kind of worried…"
I opened my mouth to respond, but the only sound that came out was a squeak as the door to my room slammed shut and locked seemingly of its own volition. Emily was on her feet in seconds, trying to open the door with all her might, but it wouldn't budge. Grabbing the letter opener off my desk, I immediately set to work trying to pop the hinges while Hanna tried to force open the window, which also wasn't moving.
"Guys, is that smoke?" Hanna called from across the room, her voice small with fear as she stared, terrified, at a white, gaseous substance pumping quickly into my room through the air conditioning vent above my bed.
It didn't smell like smoke, though. The scent was more chemical-like in nature, and my hair stood on end at the thought. Whatever it was, it was not good.
"Fuck!" I practically screamed as the tip of the letter opener broke off in the hinge, throwing my hands up in frustration as my head started getting hazy. "We have to try to yell for help, guys. We don't have much time."
We only got about three or four good yells out before our voices failed us. I somehow managed to get Hanna down from where she was standing on the window seat, worried she would hurt herself if she passed out and fell off of it. Then, just as I was wrapping my arms tightly around Emily's waist in a last ditch attempt to keep her close, everything went black.