Title: Facing Forward

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law&Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Jack, Benji and Emmy have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: Brian Cassidy and Olivia Benson attempt to cope with his past abuse while trying to maintain their relationship and raise their family. This set of chapters is set in the aftermath of the S20E16 (Facing Demons). The story is also set in the Hello, Goodbye and Welcome Home AU.

Olivia allowed a quiet little smile as she sat waiting for her son to make his next move on the Connect 4 game they were in the middle of while she also listened to Emmy's excited babble at Brian off in the foyer. Their little girl was over and at him as soon as he walked in the door – like a shot. Up from the dining room table and over there. As per usual. And as per usual, Brian seemed genuinely unfazed by it.

Olivia actually knew he liked it. More than she did being barged as soon as she walked in the door. It was a love-hate thing for her. She usually preferred to at least get her coat off and maybe take a couple cleansing breathes before stepping into Mommy role. But she'd gotten a lot better at taking the time it took to get from the precinct over to Brooklyn to transition from work to home. To get more fully into her Mommy frame of mind and be ready for what might come flying at her that night.

Brian, though, never seemed to have that frazzled moment. She rarely heard him ask the kids to give him a minute or let him get in the door or let him take off his coat. He was usually just on. Either a testament to how laidback he could be when he wanted to be. Or how skilled he'd gotten over the years at compartmentalizing so much. Or wearing different masks in different situations – and moving through them seamlessly. Or more likely – honestly – he was probably just so happy to be home. He did say that often enough.

Though, Olivia was starting to suspect he liked it and needed that 'welcome home' greeting in different ways than he'd let on over the past many years as Daddy.

Brian really had this unconditional love from these two little people. Their kids were still young enough that they were super heroes – and not annoying, out-of-touch, troublesome, old, ancient parents. Yet. Even if they were far from the perfect parents – they still got so much love and so many cuddles and giggles from Benji and Emmy.

Olivia knew how much she loved that aspect of being a mom. How those hugs and kisses and giggles and smiles out of her kids more than made up for just how hard and exhausting it was being a parent nearly every day. The connection you feel to your kids – that bond, that love that's beyond description – was worth all the hard parts. But she also knew for Brian – now – it was a bit more.

For Brian, these kids of theirs meant he had two more people in his life who saw value in him. Who loved him. Who adored him.

It was a hard pedestal. But he'd worked hard to pull himself up onto it. And Olivia knew he worked just as hard to make sure he stayed on it – that he deserved to be there. And she'd have to hope for both of them – all of them – that as the kids aged and they dealt with new challenges … dyslexia, lupus, bullying … or even just the teen years … that the fall from that pedestal wouldn't be too far or too hard on its impact.

And speaking of impact – she also heard the telltale whap of Emmy's feet on the floor and she knew Brian had just done the twirl and flip maneuver that both the kids begged of him. And as soon as the feet impacted, there was the clomping of them heading back into their living space. The stomp, stomp, stomp of a low-speed little girl run (the kind Emmy did to try to avoid being told not to run in the house) while she pretended to huff and pant like the all of 35-feet from their entryway to the dinning room table was some kind of marathon.

"Hurry, Daddy," she whinnied out like she was entirely out of breath from that jog, as she crawled back up on her chair at the table with her and Benji.

"Coming," Brian called from back in the entry. He clearly hadn't gotten the chance to take off his coat and was doing it now.

"But I waaaaaannnna show you!" Emmy whined, overly dramatically flopping on the table.

Brian appeared and Olivia gave him a smile over her shoulder. He caught her eyes.

"Sorry I'm late," he apologized.

"Don't need to apologize," she said.

He just made a sound and schlepped his gear bag off his shoulder. It thudded to the ground by the stairs to take up to the bedroom for the weekend. Olivia didn't know why he still bothered to drag the over-sized gym bag around with him now that he was usually sitting in his own office – the same as her. He didn't have the need to be kitted out or to have that level of necessities to throw into the back of a cruiser anymore. He even rarely bothered to change out from the shirt and tie he went to work in these days to the work-out gear or casual wear he hauled around with him. But he still seemed more comfortable lugging that impractical bag around with him rather than switching to some sort of "briefcase" or just … a messenger bag to bring his laptop and any files to-and-from work. She knew. She'd bought him once to encourage him to make the switch. She didn't think he'd even tried it. It had been buried at the back of their closet for nearly a year before she re-gifted it to Jack. She didn't think Brian even noticed or recognized the bag when Jack did actually start using it and it appeared in their house on a near weekly basis hauled around by their oldest.

She wasn't too sure what the subliminal messaging about the bag was. Likely a piece of his armor. Or he still had some sort of hang up that it'd only be a matter of time that she kicked him to the curb and he wanted to be packed and ready to go when he did. Though, she really just hoped it was years of habit from more than twenty-years on the job and having to regularly pull doubles or go UC on little notice. In those cases and situations it was nice to have some of the necessities with you.

He came over to where they were all seated, still toting a store bag with him. And she raised an eyebrow at him. She'd been getting some texts through the early-evening as he ran some of these self-assigned birthday errands and decoration hunt of his. But she hadn't been told there'd been a purchase that was being brought home that night.

"Who's turn is it?" he asked as he wandered over, leaning in to press a kiss against her temple.

Olivia just made a little gesture at Benji's fixed concentration on the playing space as he sought out his next move. It should be his last move – because Olivia was pretty sure she'd finally backed him into a corner that he didn't know how to resolve. It'd only taken about eight games to manage it. Both of their kids kicked her butt at Connect Four. It was rather humbling. It wasn't a game that should be that hard to win against grade-schoolers.

But then Brian gave his fingers a little snap. "Big Man," he said and then gestured at an open space on the board. The only open space that was going to open this game up to keep going – and likely ultimately win. Benji looked at his dad and then looked at where his finger was pointed and a slow smile spread across his face, as he reached to drop his token.

"Bri," Olivia gaped up at him. "C'mon. Are you kidding me?"

"You lose," Benji declared and reached to pull the tab to make all the tokens clatter to the table.

Brian only grinned at Olivia's annoyance and bent in again to peck another kiss against her lips that time. "Would've shown you the check-mate too," he muttered and then seemed to taste her.

"Stop being icky goss and look," Emmy demanded again.

"Taste good …" he mumbled at Olivia and then scanned the table to spot the strawberries, blueberries and grapes she had out for the kids to pick on in their after-school snack. He snagged a couple of the grapes and moved down the table a bit towards where Emmy was set up. "OK, let's see this thing," he allowed, popping a grape into his mouth.

"Wanna play again?" Benji asked, having sorted the red and black tiles and again shoved the red over to her side of the table.

Olivia shoved them back toward the center. "I think losing eight times in a row is enough for me," she said.

"Nine," Benji provided. "And no sore losers, Mom."

She rolled her eyes a bit and passively retrieved the chips. She absently dropped one into the game board. She knew she got to go first – losers go first, her son declared. Not that the first-move advantage had been helping her at all in this game. She actually suspected it was likely a disadvantage.

"See," Emmy said, sweeping her arms over their latest art effort. "Tah-Dah!"

Olivia watched Brian's face as he examined the mangled paper mache monstrosity that was drying at the end of the table. Olivia could tell he was really trying hard not to laugh. But the way a smile was pulling at his cheeks was really betraying his amusement.

"That's a really great …"

"Naaaaaaaar," Emily started.

"Whaaaaal," Benji throw his head back in a howl.

"Naaaaaaar, naaaaar, naaaar," Emily yowled again.

"Whal," Benji finished for her.

Because apparently her children had decided that narwhals likely sat on rocks like seals and howled at the moon like wolves. She wasn't sure how they'd come to this conclusion – that they had not yet been able to support via any YouTube videos, Googling or numerous sea life books checked out from the library. But this was what had been explained to her. And for the better part of three months – of this narwhal phase (hopefully a phase) – she'd gotten to listen to the naaaaar, naaar, naaaaar whaaaaaal wail bounced back-and-forth between her two kids. Her and Brian maybe – occasionally – got in on it that action. Because it was pretty funny. It was … joyful … in its own way.

"Jep, you missed it, Daddy," Emmy said gazing proudly at her – their – creation.

"Darn, missed paper mache," Brian said with deep sarcasm that Emmy hadn't quite learned to pick up on yet – because she was pretty convinced that Daddy loved everything she did (which she was right to a point). In reality, Brian despised paper mache. His sticky, gooey, caked, dried ick part of his brain more than kicked in and he couldn't stand touching the stuff. He usually he supervised to make sure it didn't end up over their entire house when the kids made their creations.

It looked like Olivia hadn't done as good of job at that, because Brian smoothed at their little girl's frizzy mess of hair. Then picked at it. He'd likely spotted some gluey-floury paste that she'd managed to smear in their when she'd refused to let Olivia tie back her hair or put on one of her headbands. Because she was in full-on Emmy mode that evening. On a mission – and no one better get in her way.

"Jah," Emmy said. "But you can help paint tomorrow, Daddy."

"Fantastic," Brian muttered and moved around the table, stopping at Benji and leaning down to press a linger kiss into the top of his head and feeling at his forehead. They shared a look as he did – but they'd already had back-and-forth about this since she'd been home with the kids. Her read was that Benji was doing really well. He looked more than a little washed out but he seemed more himself.

Benji, though, hardly acknowledged his dad's affections. He was set on the game again. Olivia could already tell he was going to win. But she kept dropping her tiles as she turn came around. Though, she was pretty sure she was going to cut him off at ten wins in a row.

"So is it a piñata for your party?" Brian asked, as he pulled up his chair and sat down next to Olivia.

"It was supposed to be," Olivia said.

"Jah," Emmy allowed. "But, Daddy you're supposta save da whales not hurt 'em."

"Yea," Benji agreed. "If it's a piñata it'd be like beating a baby seal with a club."

Brian made a small amused noise and shared a look at Olivia. That one it felt like they were giving each other more and more as they got to learn more and more about these little people they called theirs. Just who they were and where they came from and how they ended up with them – and the things that came out of their mouths – sometimes it was beyond perplexing. Hard to believe that these kids were the ones that life and God (if there was one) and the universe decided were destined to be in their lives.

"So, Emmy thinks maybe the narwhal should just be a decoration for the party," Olivia provided.

"Ah," Brian allowed and then finally reached inside the bag he'd been toting with him. "Speaking of party decorations." He pulled out some cake plates and flashed them at her.

Olivia's mouth dropped into a gape again and she grabbed them from him. They were decorated with a smiling blue narwhal floating under the sea with his friend the squid, the clown fish and the starfish.

"Where'd you find them?" Olivia asked – nearly demanded.

"Baby shower clearance rack," Brian said. "Apparently nothing said 'you're having a baby' like a narwhal – last season."

Olivia allowed a quiet laugh and then held the plates down the table for their daughter to see. "Emmy, look," she said. "Daddy, our super hero."

Their little girl's eyes brightened. "Narwhal!" she said and came over to gaze at the plate and then dig at the bag. "What else, Daddy?"

Brian hummed and reached around her rummaging in his lap, pulling some of the items for her. He dropped some napkins on the table with the same image and some solid baby blue plates, presumably to try to make the clean-up as painless as possible.

"Stickers," Emmy cheered as she pulled her hands out from around her Daddy's. She started picking at the plastic keeping the roll tight but Brian gently took them away from her.

"Those are for Sunday, Em," he told her. Because they both knew the outcome of their kids having access to stickers – they'd be plastered all over them like tattoos and none would be left for anyone else coming the party.

Emily huffed but dove back into the bag and pulled out metallic sparkly party hats. "Narwhal horns!" she cheered.

Brian and Olivia shared another look – this one even more amused.

"OK, if you say so," Brian muttered.

Olivia reached and retrieved that package from Emmy – because she knew those would be turned into an immediate dress-up accessory if they didn't put a stop to it too.

Emmy looked at Brian. "No balloons, Daddy?"

He bent and put a kiss against her forehead. "There will be balloons by your party," he assured. Olivia already knew he'd managed to find a balloon. She didn't know how many stores he'd called to track one down – but there would be a helium narwhal at the party. He'd just already texted her basically asking permission to spend the money on delivery so they didn't have to add going and picking up the balloon bouquet to their to-do list over the weekend.

"Dack's bringing Pin The Horn On the Narwhal," Emmy provided.

"Mmm," Brian acknowledged and looked at Olivia. "Think there's potential placement issues with that game that could result in a very horny narwhal."

Olivia cocked her head at him. "I've reminded Jack to take the height of the kids and the positioning of the whale into consideration when he's drawing this thing," she said.

Brian shook his head. "OK. It'll be interesting to see the deliverables."

"Little Duck, show Daddy what you're working on for the other kids," she said.

Emmy pranced back around to her side of the table that was littered with crayons and shoved a colored sheet over to Brian. He picked it up and again his eyes laughed. It was a coloring sheet print out with all the basic facts about narwhals. Like that their horns were teeth and they lived in the Arctic and that they were once thought to be unicorns.

"'Cuz lots of people think narwhals are myths since they unicorns of the sea. And there will be LOOOOOOOTTTS of little kids. So they don't know. But now they can know. But their Mommy or Daddy will have to read it to them likely. But then they know."

"Mmm," Brian allowed and handed it back to their little girl while Olivia held her hand over her mouth to try to keep from laughing. This was what her past few hours with the kids had looked like. It was what a lot of hours with the kids looked like lately – on their good days. Trying not to laugh at how their minds worked. But being so utterly in love with how their minds worked. "That's real thoughtful, Em."

"Tell Daddy the other information sheet you think we should have for the little kids," Olivia said over the top of her hand.

"Polymers," Emmy said.

Brian stared at their laughter. "Polymers …?" he said flatly – you could just tell he wasn't sure he should ask much more.

"Jah," Emmy said and went back to scribbling on her latest narwhal info sheet. "'Cuz slime is a polymer. So they know it is a liquid and a soild and sorta like jello cuz it's a long chain of molecules that slip and slide passed each other. The little kids likely don't know."

Brian scrubbed at his one eye – the way he did when Olivia knew he was slightly overwhelmed by some of the things that came out of their little girls mouth. The stuff that just betrayed how stupid smart she was. And how neither of them were entirely sure how to deal with that – and Brian felt particularly unqualified to deal with that kind of book smarts, intelligence at times too.

"Yea, Em. Likely right. The little kids probably don't know all that."

"Jah," Emmy said. "But Mommy couldn't find da info card on Google like the narwhal one. So she says I'll just hafta tell them when we're makin the slime."

"Mmm …," Brian acknowledged and stared at Olivia.

"I also couldn't figure out how to get the computer to print out the narwhal snot labels that Jack designed for the party," Olivia said then reached to give his hand a squeeze. "And since I know how much you love swearing at the printer for me, I was hoping you could take a look at it later tonight."

He grunted – more groaned – and reached to retrieve another berry from the plate. He was definitely cleaning up the ones the kids hadn't touched. Likely betrayed a busy, long day. He probably hadn't found time to eat. Though, Brian was definitely a grazer – especially when he came in from the job.

"My teacher thought I was sayin' your fav-it swear today, Daddy," Emmy said, still coloring away. "And I got in big trouble."

"What's my favorite swear?" Brian squinted at Olivia, as she dropped her next play into Connect Four.

She gave him a direct look and raised at an eyebrow at him again. Did he really need to ask.

"Oh," he allowed and then shook his head and looked at their daughter and back to her. "What was she saying? She was saying that?"

Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow. "Emily, tell your—"

"She said Facked," Benji interjected. "Like ten billion times."

Brian made a little unimpressed sound down in his throat and looked at their little girl. "Emily," he said flatly – but there was a sternness to it.

"What?" she said, looking at him with those innocent eyes.

"Tell Daddy what you think you were saying," Olivia pressed.

Emmy let out a huff and colored some more. "It a new name for Dack," she said.

Brian shook his head and squinted at Olivia again. "What?"

Olivia gestured back to Emily. "Ask your daughter."

"Emily," he pressed at her more firmly.

Their daughter made an annoyed noise. "Dack a fox but we also ducks and his name is Dack. So fox-Dack-duck. Fack. It like quack but it the sound a fox-Dack-duck make. So Facked. Fack-Fack-Fack."

Brian looked at Olivia and mouthed silently. "Not inaccurate …" She batted his elbow.

"But teacher got mad when I tellin kids my big brother's facked," Emmy said.

And a real amused noise escaped Brian's throat and he struggled to stop. Olivia shot soft daggers his way.

"OK, Emily," Olivia said with some warning. "You told Daddy the reasoning of your new word. And now we're going back to you aren't using this nickname. Not at home and not at school."

"It's just Dack."

"It sounds too much like a swear," Benji said. "You're gonna get a consequence if you keep using it."

Emmy gave him a little rumbling growl.

"Well," Benji muttered. "That's what Mommy said."

Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow and gazed at Brian's amused face. At least he looked happy. She liked when he smiled. When he smiled at her. Smiled at their kids. It made her feel like some of her own weight was lifting off her shoulders – and it made her feel like some of his load was lightening too. There was still some happiness and joy in him – even if he was a little broken. He could still feel those things.

"So picking them up from school today was fun …," Olivia provided.

Brian grinned a little. "What about you Big Man? Anything exciting to report?"

"No," Benji muttered.

"Well, the Fire Museum's Egg Hunt tickets went on sale," Olivia provided. "But Benji's informed me he thinks he's too old for that."

"But I'm not too old!" Emmy interjected.

Brian gave Olivia a look. "He's not too old," she mouthed. "It's up to twelve."

"You don't want to go, Big Man?" Brian said. Benji just shrugged at him. "Really?"

"It's for little kids," Benji mumbled. "Last year it was all princesses in the party room after the hunt!"

"I think that's called Easter Finery," Brian said flatly. It got another shrug. "Because I thought the whole point of this egg hunt was to have an excuse to get to go to the museum and climb on the rigs. Get some of the candy that me and your Mom would never buy you."

"Daddy, I decide that I want a rice krispie cake with sharks and fish for my birthday," Emmy said. "It hasta be blue. Like da ocean."

"And this happened," Olivia said with a gesture down the table at their daughter.

"Em, you said you only wanted ice cream for your birthday," Brian told her firmly.

"Jah, but Mommy said I needed to have cake," Emmy countered. "And cake is gross."

"Cake is not gross," Benji eyed her. "Everyone likes cake – buuuut you."

"No. It gross. So I have rice krispy cake cuz rice krispie squares are good. So we call it a cake. But it hasta be blue. With sharks and fish."

"Don't think that's going to happen, Em," Brian told her flatly – and firmly. "I stopped and ordered your ice cream cake on the way home. It's a done deal."

"I don't like cake!" she shot her eyes at him.

He stared right back. "It is ice cream put in a cake pan shaped like a whale, Emily. It is called an ice cream cake. And it's what you asked for. And it's ordered. End of story."

"You sure it's not a cake?" she kept her eyes on him like they were in some kind of bull match.

"It is ice cream shaped like a whale," Brian pressed at her firmly again.

"Coc-late?"

"Yes," he allowed. "It is chocolate ice cream."

"A narwhal?" Emily pressed.

"Emily, don't try to play Queen Bee with him." There was warning that time.

And Emmy caught that and sank back a little. "But I really want narwhal ice cream, Daddy …"

"Emily, why don't you let there be a few surprises for your party, OK?" Olivia said a bit more gently. The truth was they already had ice cream cones in the cupboard to embed on Fudgie's head when he arrived so their little girl had a narwhal. She was going to be so glad when this narwhal thing was passé – because right now it was a little much. All narwhal all the time.

Emmy sulked a bit and avoided eye contact, scribbling firmly with her crayons.

"Are we really not having cake?" Benji asked.

Olivia gave him a look. "Deescalating the conversation," she told him. "New topic."

He gave her a huff too and dropped another chip into the game board. He'd stopped waiting for her to play at this point. He was just making a random pattern with the new color choices.

Her and Brian gazed at each other for a long beat. She knew he was measuring where she was at and how she was feeling. Getting a read on her take on where the kids were at and what kind of behavior she'd dealt with that evening. If that had just been a blip in their daughter being … a little bossy … at times, which Olivia knew she'd likely taught her too well. She'd learned to watch how she talked to Brian around their little girl – or anyone – so that their daughter didn't grow up thinking that she should always be barking orders at everyone and expecting them to jump or bend to her every command.

"We've had a good afternoon," Olivia provided him.

Brian gave a little nod and gazed across the table at Benji. "How you feeling, Ben?" Another shrug. "Not so hot?"

"I dunno …"

Olivia reached and ruffled at his bangs a bit. "Benji finished his homework worksheet right away when he came in," she said. "And we just have to read a few pages this weekend in his novel."

Benji didn't jump in and add anymore, though. He just kept dropping the tiles into the game board and Olivia could feel Brian still looking at their son and weighing him. He was likely thinking they should backtrack on what they'd talked about for their Friday Family Date Night. Thinking that Benji wasn't well enough and they should just stay in. But she thought they could all do with getting out for a bit rather than ordering pizza and battening down in front of the TV.

"So, Brian … what was it that you were telling me about last night …?" she pressed and gave a little nod at their son and then nodded at him too. Benji needed this. And it'd distract Emmy from her all-encompassing narwhal planning too.

"Yea, you know those Lego mini builds the stores host," Brian managed after another prolonged beat of him still staring at Benji.

Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow and looked at Benji too. He wasn't reacting yet. "Right," she allowed. "I think I remember hearing about them. But we've never gotten out to one."

"Well, I guess—" Brian started but Benji cut him off.

"We won't," Benji said and then gave them a look. "You hafta like apply to do it and like basically they are done. Now or soon. I dunno. Or like they aren't free anymore. I dunno. Something like that. Bobby had his birthday party there. Like … I dunno … every year. He talks about it all the time. He's a VIP and a Lego Club member and they do all kinds of free stuff."

"Ah …," Olivia said and looked at Brian.

"Mmm …," Brian provided and rubbed at his own eye. "Good to know, Ben." Ben shrugged. "Think I might've heard something about the whole mini build thing ending too. Think I also remember seeing a couple id-term reports come home last week that I was pretty happy with."

"I think I remember that too," Olivia said. "And I think I remember sitting with Daddy and going to the Lego site and—"

Benji perked up. "You signed us up?"

Brian looked at Olivia. "Did we remember click the submit button? When we filled out that form?"

She cocked her head. "I'm not sure. Did we?"

"Mmm …," Brian provided.

"Guys …" Benji signed at him.

Emmy looked over. "Are we goin to the Lego Store?"

"Are we going to the Lego Store?" Brian put to the two kids.

"Yes," Benji pressed. "Now?"

"Mmm …," Olivia glanced at the clock on her phone. "Actually first we're going to S'Mac," she said and bent to press a loud smack against the side of Benji's head, "to have dinner with Jack."

"We're gonna get Facked!" Emmy cheered. "And go to the Lego Store!"

And it got an amused noise but head shakes from both her parents.

Benji looked between the three of them. "Is her gonna get a consequence? 'Cuz I could like … use her allowance consequence at the Lego Store … maybe?"

That got another amused sound out of Brian and he reached and scruffed at their son's hair. But it just as suddenly stopped and he pulled his hand away, giving Olivia a long – complete lacking in joy – look. She saw the few more strands between his fingers as he hand came back into his lap.

And she stopped it – before any of them could dwell on it. Before Benji noticed it. She nudged at Benji's chair and nodded at Emmy. "OK, let's clean up," she said and gave Brian a look. "Go change," she told him gently. "We've got fun, happy family plans …"

The fun, happy family they tried so hard to be. But it could be so hard. Even on the good days.

AUTHOR NOTE:

Yesterday's chapter was posted in under 24-hours turnaround. So it didn't bump or have a date change. You might want to check to make sure you saw it.

Reader reviews are always much appreciated. Thanks for reading and commenting.