Death changes you, whether you caused it or witnessed it. It is so absolute, so immensely irrevocable. It is nothingness, the state of nothing. That's why it causes so much anguish and grief, because while the people you lose are still physically with you, they have become nothing and will no longer be anything at all. For Clarke, she had experienced this time and time again.
As she walked aimlessly her sobs had turned into quiet tears that felt like they would never stop.
Bellamy was alive, but she still felt the lost as if it actually happened because the feeling of nothingness lingered so deep in her bones and tonight it was so damn close. Even though she never stopped doing CPR and even though she charged the paddles again and again, somewhere deep inside she had given up; she felt herself lose hope.
She collapsed onto the grassy hill that overlooked Arkadia, looking into the moonlight.
"What's wrong with me?" she thought.
"Clarke?" a quiet voice came from behind her.
She wiped her tears and turned to see that it was Octavia. Instead of speaking, she simply turned back around to continue looking at the moon.
No yelling ensued so Octavia took a set next to her. "Um. I just wanted to say thank you. For saving my brother."
Clarke didn't respond.
"I understand now, that you love him. I've never seen anyone fight so hard for someone before." She paused. "And I should have never said what I said. It was wrong and stupid and I'm sorry."
Clarke looked at Octavia for a moment, unsure of what to say.
"Alright, well that's what I wanted to tell you." Octavia said, getting up."
"Wait." said Clarke, not bothering to look away from the moon. "Stay for a while."
Octavia took her seat once more, waiting for Clarke to say something else.
"I know that you're sorry for what you said, but I also know that you meant every word. I probably would have said the same thing if I were you. I'm so broken, I mean like I'm really messed up, but something you failed to realize is so is Bellamy. He killed those people in Mount Weather just as much as me, he was responsible for killing three hundred grounders and partially responsible for the death of Lincoln, which he really, really regrets. He's also partially responsible for the culling on the Ark. And while all of those things were done to protect people that we cared about, it rips out huge chunks of your soul, until your left with a shell. We're just try to find our humanity again, we're just trying to feel again."
She paused. "And maybe we don't deserve it. Who knows? But I do know that I am in love with him. I'm so in love with him that I gave up tonight. Inside I kept thinking what if I just let him go, what if I just let him be in peace. He wouldn't have to suffer anymore, he wouldn't have to hurt or fight or struggle anymore." Her tears were starting one more. "But I loved him too much to stop and too much to know how he would feel if he left you alone." Clarke finished, feeling a little bit lighter.
A few hours passed and the sun was peaking just above the horizon. Clarke and Octavia stayed on the grassy hill, talking, eating, but just mostly sitting quietly. They listened to the night in all its glory. It wasn't quiet on earth the way it was in space. Space was infinite silence. On earth, no matter how dark or how late it became, there was always noise, always life.
The sun was hitting the treetops when Octavia stood up to leave. "I'm going to go check on Bellamy. I'll let you know if he's awake." she said.
Clarke nodded, "Okay." she said.
Octavia made her way to Bellamy's room and surprisingly he was awake. He was sitting up slightly, with his eyes nearly closed. He had been sipping on some water through a straw when she came in.
"Bell, hey. I didn't expect you to be awake yet." She said. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I got shot." He said, a slight smile creeping onto his lips.
"Bellamy…" Octavia tried to speak.
"I mean, if you wanted me dead that badly you had so many opportunities. I just don't get why you chose that moment. Were you trying to make it look like an accident?"
Octavia sat down, defeated and unsure of what to say.
"O, you know I'm joking, right?" he said, reaching for her.
"I know. I'm just- I've just been thinking what if you didn't make it, you would have died knowing I killed you, even if it wasn't an accident, and everyone would have thought I did it on purpose because I mean let's face it, I've been treating you like shit."
"Octavia, even if I didn't make it, I think the people who know you the best would know that you never would intentionally kill me; no matter how much you hate me."
"I don't hate you, Bell. I'm just so goddamn mad at you."
"And you have every right to be. I really, really let you down and I'm still so sorry for it and I'll spend my life trying to make it right." he said.
Octavia stood up and went to give Bellamy a hug, careful not to come in contact with his bandages.
"I missed you, big brother," she said, letting her head rest on his chest.
"You too. And Mom would be pissed if she knew were fighting for so long."
Octavia laughed and they began to reminisce about their mother and simpler times on the ark.
A little while later, Octavia realized she had forgotten to do something.
"Oh! I have to tell Clarke you're awake."
"Wait, Octavia!" he stopped her before she left the room.
"Yeah?"
"How's she doing?" he said, concern coating his voice.
"Um. She's not okay, but- but she loves you, Bell. She really loves you." She said. "I'll get her and then you can talk to her."
He nodded and Octavia went to get Clarke.