Blair Waldorf did not cry like a baby every time something didn't go her way. She wasn't weepy or clingy or any of those things. It wasn't in her. She was made of tougher stuff. So she really could not figure out, for the very life of her, why she was slumped against the bathroom door, crying her eyes out after yelling and being horrible to the one person in the world she had no reason to be horrible to.
It was like an alien had taken over her body, forced her to do and say things she hadn't meant to do or say. The entire thing had gotten more fucked up than she could have imagined it being. She hadn't planned it like it happen. She had everything all worked out. She knew exactly what she wanted to say to him, exactly how she wanted to tell him that everything in their lives was about to change.
Then the alien appeared and requisitioned her body to use to spew forth it's evil. She had been so mean, had felt so betrayed and hurt and truth be told, he hadn't done or said anything wrong.
She knew that. He hadn't made any mistakes, had negotiated the loaded mine field of her interrogation with love and honesty. How could she be mad at him for that ?
But even as those thought buzzed through her brain, she felt the unbridled need to lash out still and Chuck was the closest victim.
And his timing was impeccable as he gently knocked on the bathroom door and quietly spoke from the other side of it. " Blair, open the door. Let me in."
She clenched her eyes shut and tried to stamp down the fury she felt for no discernible reason. " Just leave me alone." She answered finally.
" You know I'm not going to do that." He answered as he tried the locked doorknob, causing it to rattle.
"Chuck, please just leave. I need to be by myself for a while."
She needed him to go away, to remove himself from her line of fire. Her tone was almost pleading. She didn't want to hurt him. She just wasn't sure she had enough control over her emotions to keep that from happening. The best thing would be for him to just go before it was too late and she ended up hating herself for something she said to him.
" I'm coming in there even if I have to break the damn door down. So just save us both a lot of trouble and open it." He told her with a firmness to his tone that said he had no intention of backing down.
She sighed in resignation and tried once again to explain the dangers of the territory he was attempting to transverse. " I don't want to see you right now. I can't talk about this."
The doorknob rattled again. " Well, it's a little late for that, Dear." The term of endearment sounded like anything but, and it only served to spike her ire further.
Getting to her feet and brushing a hand harshly over her tear stained eyes, she snatched the door opened and glared at him.
" What the hell was all that about ?" He demanded, with his hands planted on his hips. His fingers were digging into the flesh just above where his waistline was riding low on his hips. He still hadn't bothered with the button or zipper of his pants. " Were you just looking for a reason to be mad about this ? Was that what the inquisition was all about ? You needed someone to blame and I fell right into your trap."
She hadn't meant it to be like that. The things she'd asked him were all legitimate questions that they hadn't ever really talked about before. But as she thought back over the exact conversation, she realized that he had summed up the situation perfectly, read her like a book. He simply knew her too well.
" You didn't just fall into it, you jumped in with both feet." She spat, coldly.
" Maybe if I'd known all the facts to begin with I would have done better on your test."
Tears sprang to her eyes again and it pissed her off even more that she was about to cry in front of him when all she wanted to do was be angry. " It was supposed to be a pop quiz. If you had all the facts before hand, you wouldn't have been as honest."
" It was playing dirty and you know it, Blair. We need to talk about this."
" I think you've already said everything you needed to say about the subject." She shrugged. " You haven't ever thought about having kids. You don't want them. I got that much." She stuck her chin out defiantly and puffed her chest with a bravado she was no where near feeling. " You don't have to worry about this. It isn't your problem. I'll deal with it myself."
" I know this is going to just piss you off even more, but I have to ask and I think I have every right to." He paused as if sensing that his next words would cut her deeper than he wanted to, but the look in his eyes said he had no other option. " Are you certain it's mine ?" He swallowed so hard she watched in fascinated horror as his Adam's apple bobbed. " I mean, it really doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything either way. I just need to know." His voice had gone soft, so soft it seemed breakable and so vulnerable all the anger inside her gushed out in an instant, leaving her slightly light headed with the force of its retreat.
" I'm certain it's yours." She answered and somehow her voice remained steady and firm throughout the entire sentence.
His shoulders slumped involuntarily and he reached out to take her hand. She let him take hold her and guide her from the cramped bathroom. When they finally reached the bedroom, he led her to the bed and sat down beside her, leaving a few inches of space between them. It was strange body language for him. When they were alone they rarely went very long without touching. The movement caused a stab of fear to unconsciously blaze to life in her stomach.
" I know this is going to sound morbid and maybe even a little sadistic, but you're absolutely certain?" The uncertainty in his question was so un-Chuck like that it did nothing to squash the fear growing inside her, if anything it only gave it more fuel.
" I'm absolutely certain, Chuck. It's yours." She confirmed.
Maybe she hadn't realized exactly how much her fake relationship with Nate was bothering him. There was something in his face that disturbed her more than anything ever had. She wasn't sure how to label it. On anyone else she would have called it near panic, but this was Chuck. He didn't do panic. He barely did uneasy. So the idea that his facade might be crumbling before her eyes over something she was doing to him terrified her.
And she knew, right then. If she had been a cartoon character, a light bulb would have suddenly blared to life over her head.
She simply, positively could not do any of this anymore. She was his. It was all she ever wanted. He was all she wanted, and all she needed. There was nothing in the world so important to her that she would cause him the kind of pain she was inflicting on him. He had already been through so much, she never wanted to add to the heap of hurt he had been forced to live through.
" First off, I want to say that everything you just said was complete insanity. It's more absurd than listening to you and Serena fighting over shoes." He told her, taking her hand lightly in his. " But you are right. This isn't my problem."
Her stomach dropped to her toes and her eyes widened. He was dumping her. The baby was more than he could handle and he was backing out so quickly he was leaving skid marks. It was so beyond what she expected his reaction to be. He said he loved her. Did that only mean he loved her as long it was convenient to love her ?
" I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling right now." He continued, squeezing her hand to regain her attention. " But I know I don't see this as a problem."
" Chuck," She whispered as she watched him drop her hand and bring and his to rest over her abdomen.
He yanked his hand back as if she had burned him and pulled away from her completely. He opened his mouth as if he were about to something else, then closed it again and looked away from her. " I know what you need me to do here. I know you need me to tell you that this is the best thing that's ever happened to me and go cartwheeling around the room. But I'm not sure I can do that yet."
She furrowed her brow as she watched him closely, looking any sign that he was about to bolt out of her life so fast he would leave skid marks. It was what she had expected. In fact, she had tried all night to prepare herself for it when it happened.
But as she watched, he didn't bolt. He didn't even more other than to shift his eyes back to her. " I know that I love you and this does nothing to change that. I'm just numb right now. I need a minute to absorb." He told her, truthfully.
She stood from the bed and walked to the closet slowly. She could feel him watching her as she pulled on a fresh set of clothes that she kept there in case of emergencies. When she turned back to him, his eyes were still hooded and unreadable.
" Take all the time you need." She said though the words felt as if they were tearing a hole in her chest as she uttered them. " You know where I'll be when you figure out how you feel about this."
Then she turned and walked out of the room, not stopping until she was at the stairs leading outside, leaving him and Eden behind with the soft thump of the door shutting.
She hadn't heard from him in three days. Three days that had caused her to sink so far into her own darkness that she wasn't sure she would ever see the light again. Seventy-two of the longest hours of her life. She had managed to refrain from breaking down so far. She had managed to make everyone believe that everything was fine, thought she hadn't spent much time outside her bedroom. She was playing on the flu that everyone thought she was suffering from. It served as a good mask for what was really going on with her, even though it was so temporary.
She knew she would have to face them all eventually. Serena had been relentless until she left her a brief message telling her that she told Chuck everything and she hadn't heard from him since. Her despair only grew when Serena sent back a message saying no one had seen him since. He hadn't been home and he hadn't been to work. As far as anyone could tell, he had skipped out in true Chuck bass fashion.
Dorota was trying to be as supportive as she could, doing a remarkable job of keeping everyone at bay and refusing to let anyone get close to her. It warmed her heart every time she heard the older woman's thick accent outside her bedroom door threatening whoever was approaching with something worse than death if they disturbed her. Her very own pit bull.
A week had gone by when she finally emerged from her room and then only on the insistence of her father. He wanted to see her before he left for a new set of treatments in Florida and she could hardly deny him that.
Besides, she reasoned with her, trying to bolster her resolve, it was time for the two of them to have a talk.
" Princess," He beamed at her from where he sat of the end of the sofa and she went to him and let him encircle her in his arms.
" We need to talk, Daddy." She said trying to keep her voice from being muffled by his yellow, cashmere sweater.
"Okay," He held his smile in place as he let her go and watched as she took a seat on the opposite end of the sofa.
" I know how important this whole marriage is to you. I understand what it means." She began, rushing headlong into it before she lost her nerve. As his smile fell and his eyes narrowed slightly. She almost retreated, but then the memory of the look on Chuck's face returned to her and she knew she had no other choice, but to keep going. It was the only way she would ever be able to leave with herself again. " I'm not a child anymore. This isn't a fairy tale and I'm not a princess."
" Of course you are sweetheart. You'll always be my princess. What's bothering you ?"
She closed her eyes and swallowed around the lump in her throat. " I'm not marrying Nate."
He sat up quickly and reached out to touch her leg. " Did you have a fight ? Did he do something to you ?"
She shook her head. " No, it's nothing like that. Nate is wonderful. He's the perfect guy. He's just not the perfect guy for me."
" But, I thought this was what you always wanted." He replied, clearly confused by the sudden turn of events.
" He was until I grew up and realized that I can't make myself love someone just because I'm supposed to love them. That isn't the way this works." She leveled him with a penetrating gaze. " You, of all people should understand that."
" Of course I understand that." He answered quickly. " The only thing in the world that I want is to know that you're happy. That's why this whole thing was so important to me. It had nothing to do with Nate and everything to do with you getting everything you've ever wanted."
" When you left Mom and moved to Paris with Roman, I didn't understand. I thought Mom had done something or said something that made you run away. I couldn't believe that you just didn't love her anymore. Then when you visited for Christmas, I saw the two of you together and I got it. For the first time in my life I saw something more than the typical fairy tale with the Prince sweeping the princess off her feet and living happily ever after. I understood for the first time that sometimes the story doesn't end the way every one wants it to and that's okay. It isn't important that everyone else like the way your story plays out. It only matters that you do."
He moved closer to her and took her hands in his. " Sweetheart, what is this all about ? If you aren't in love with Nate then of course, I don't want you to marry him, But there's more to this. You can tell me anything. You know that."
" This is about Chuck Bass." Elenore's voice answered from the doorway before she had the chance.
Her father glanced up at her mother with surprised eyes. " I thought that was over a long time ago."
"Oh, Harold." Elenore sighed as she entered the room and took the chair opposite the sofa. " Of course it isn't over. It's never been over and it never will be."
Blair's gaze shot to her mother. " It is over. This isn't about Chuck. It's about me not being able to do this anymore." She turned back to her father. " The only reason I got back together with Nate was because I thought it was what you wanted. But I can't go through with it anymore. I can't keep pretending that I feel something I don't."
He grabbed her quickly and pulled her into his chest. " I never wanted you to pretend, Blair. I've never wanted you to be anything more than who you are."
" But this has always been our dream, our plan. I didn't want to disappoint you." She replied as she buried her face in his shoulder.
" The only way you could disappoint me is by trying to be something you aren't. You should know that, Blair. You know how much pain I put myself and your mother through by pretending to be something I wasn't."
She pulled back from him and tried to suppress the sniffle that threaten to come as she wiped at her eyes. " Well, then, I'm done pretending. I'm not in love with Nate. I haven't been in a really long time."
He gave her a half-hearted smile. " But you are in love with Chuck and you have been for a really long time."
She lowered her eyes and nodded before looking back at him. " But it doesn't matter. We had a fight and I haven't seen him in a few days. I think it might really be over this time."
" That's ridiculous." Elenore scoffed from her chair.
" No," Blair shook her head. " Something happened and I think he's gone for good."
" He isn't gone." She insisted.
" Mom," Blair snapped, without really meaning to. " I really don't want to talk about Chuck right now. I don't need a pep talk or a pretty little speech about how he'll be back to profess his undying love and vow to never leave my side. It's over. It's done."
Elenore cleared her throat and leaned forward giving Blair a warning look that said it was not alright for her to yell at her. But her face fell into a soft smile before she spoke. " Clearly it isn't as over as you think it is, because he's downstairs waiting for you. That's what I came in here to tell you."