"So she's growing into herself." Bobby said, tossing the first aid kit at John who easily caught it and opened it. "I wanna say that's a good thing but at the same time it ain't."
John focused on bandaging his feet for the moment as he tried to figure out the right words to say. "I guess."
"And you're saying that she tried to kiss you and you ran away." Bobby said dryly. "If it was anyone else there would be something funny about that."
John fought the urge to throw the roll of medical tape at him. Instead he just put everything away and close the kit. "And with it being me and Mary?"
"It's a bit sad." Bobby said, going to the kitchen to pour them both some coffee. Mary had gone back upstairs to her bedroom to go to sleep and John hadn't even tried to sleep, waiting for the rest of the house to wake up instead. "For the both of you."
John stared down at the ground as he accepted the cup of coffee, blowing on it for a moment to cool it down before he drank. "I know." he said softly.
"Which begs the question, what are you going to do?" Bobby asked, sitting down at his desk and staring at him.
"I don't know." he said quietly, his mind turning everything over as he tried to figure out what the best way for Mary was to go from here.
"If she tries to kiss you again are you gonna let her?" Bobby asked him.
"I don't know."
He could almost hear Bobby rolling his eyes. "Well what do you know?"
John sighed, taking another drink of his coffee. "I know that I do want to kiss her." he said softly. "I want to do all of that. I want to hold her and I want to hug her." he closed his eyes and thought back to that recurring dream of the four of them being a family. "I want all of us to be together."
"Careful John, I ain't got dental insurance so I can't get to the dentist." Bobby told him dryly. "But at least it's not all physical, you really do care about her."
John nodded, tightening his grip on the cup. "I really do." he whispered. "I care about her so much Bobby, it feels like I can't breathe sometimes. There are times when I think about her leaving, or going somewhere else, being with someone else or anywhere else, and I swear I'm having a heart attack."
"But I can't do anything," John continued. "I can't do a single thing. Mary thinks she knows what she wants, she keeps saying that she trusts me and I'll never hurt her and that's the truth, that is the goddamn truth, I will never hurt her."
John took a deep breath. "She's never had a chance to live a life, those vamps kept her locked up and used her, either as food or bait or both at times. Mentally shes just a child, she doesn't know what to do or how to do anything. For fucks sake she acts like Sam and Dean sometimes and it should, and does, make me sick when I think about those other things."
"I don't know what to do or how to handle this, I'm trying my best, I'm trying to be the bigger person here and keep my distance, I'm trying to be mature and rightful here, I am the first person, the first man to be nice to her and help her." he closed his eyes tightly once more. "But I'm still that, I'm just a man, and it hurts to want her too and know everything. Its normal that she's feeling like this, especially since she wasn't allowed to even try to find her sexuality or anything close there, and its normal that she's focused on me. The bad part is that I'm focused on her as well."
He tightened his grip on the cup and bowed his head. "I don't know how much longer I can control myself Bobby." he whispered. "She keeps hugging me and holding onto me and I love it and hate it. I want to do the same to her but at the same time...I can't."
Sighing he looked up at the older man, feeling tired and drained and just plain lost. "I don't know what to do Bobby."
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