Odd Jobs Crack

A Gintama thingy

By

EvilFuzzy9

"Patsuan in the Shinsengumi?" said Gintoki, frowning thoughtfully. He stroked an imaginary beard, nodding to himself. "Seems appropriate."

"Considering historical precedent," added Kagura blandly.

Shinpachi sweatdropped.

"D-don't say such troublesome things...!" he mumbled. "I'm only very loosely based on that guy, you know. Since the author gorilla changed it from his original plan to do a manga about the Shinsengumi."

Gin scoffed.

"Well, the Hajime of this series is dead, right?" he said, picking his nose. "When in real life he died of old age or something. The same year as Shinpachi, even."

"Don't say something so ominous, dammit!" Shinpachi snapped at Gin. "What, are you saying I'm gonna die the same year as Obi-nii?! That's impossible! He died at least two years ago!"

"This manga uses the Sazae-san format, though, yes?" said Kagura. "We're stuck perpetually in the same year. So Shin-chan could die at any point, either tomorrow or when the manga ends, and it would still technically be in the same year as Obi One."

"Wh-what kind of omen is that?!" Shinpachi yelped. "Is that a curse? Are you trying to place a death curse on me?!"

Hijikata waved a hand dismissively.

"Death curses are no big deal," he said. "Sougo's probably put every one he could find on me, and I'm still kicking."

The bandages on his head chose that moment to soak through with red, blood saturating the cloth and beginning to drip down his forehead. Hijikata's skin paled a shade or two from exsanguination, but he otherwise acted wholly unperturbed.

Gin sweatdropped nervously, leaning back in his seat on the couch, inching away from the officer seated opposite him.

"Ah, maybe you should see a priest about getting some of those lifted, huh?" he said, his voice faintly high-pitched, his words spoken with the slightest of tremors. "J-just as a precaution."

"Tch," Hijikata glowered at Gin, scowling deeply. "I just need to change my bandages, that's all."

"Lemme handle that," said Tsukuyo promptly. "I've gotten quite good at dealin' with cranial puncture wounds."

Gin shot her a black look.

"Don't act so innocent in front of the main recipient of all those cranial puncture wounds," he muttered darkly. "From your kunai, you know. Your throwing knives."

A kunai planted itself in his forehead.

"Oops," said Tsukuyo flatly, not even bothering to turn her head in Gin's direction. "My hand slipped."

Gin crossed his arms and muttered irritably, but he said no more on the matter.

Smiling, Tsukuyo proceeded to retrieve some fresh bandages and get to work.

"I'm surprised, though," said Kagura, bringing the discussion back to the realm of the original topic. "That Shin-chan would be wanted in the Shinsengumi. Even pigs have standards, yes?"

A vein throbbed in Shinpachi's forehead. He glowered at the lass. "What does that say about you, then?" he muttered snippily.

Without missing a beat, or changing expressions, Kagura threw a throw pillow in Shinpachi's face.

"Even a cockroach has its place in the circle of life," was her response. "A gentleman shouldn't try to use that kind of thing against a lady."

Shinpachi tore the throw pillow off his face. His face was red, and he may as well have had steam pouring out his ears.

"What am I, then?" he snapped. "A gentleman or a cockroach?!"

"Why can't you be both, huh?!" Kagura rejoined. "Who says a cockroach can't also be a gentleman? Put a little coat and top hat on it, give it an itty bitty monocle – that'd make a real dapper roach!"

Shinpachi sputtered. "That's like putting a pearl necklace on a pig!" he said. "No matter how much you dress it up on the outside, the inside is still as filthy as ever!"

"That's perfect for you then, yes?"

"Like hell! Maybe for you!"

"Ehhh?! Are you calling me a pig? Are you saying I'm fat? That I wallow in my own filth?!"

"Maybe I am! You sure as hell never clean up after yourself! And you aren't exactly skinny, either! You're looking pretty plump, you know, up here — and down there!"

"You bastard! You weren't complaining about it last night! 'Ohhh, Kagura-chan! You're so soft! It feels wonderful!' Don't try to hide from the truth, dammit!"

As Tsukuyo finished replacing Hijikata's bandages, and Gin slunk away from his two employees, the Vice Chief of the Shinsengumi could only stare in disbelief as Kagura and Shinpachi went at each other's throats. His jaw was slack, and he was looking between the boy and the girl with a growing expression of shock.

"Eh?" he said. "Eh? The way those two are talking... Doesn't that sound awfully suspicious? Like they recently...?"

"Just last night, actually," said Tsukuyo, grabbing Gin by the ear and dragging him back to her side. She plucked the kunai out of the man's forehead and slapped a bandage over the injury.

Hijikata's eyes widened.

He turned to stare at Tsukuyo. Then he stared at Gin.

Then he turned his gaze again to flicking between Shinpachi and Kagura, watching with a chalk white face as the teenaged pair furiously throttled one another.

"Seriously?" he said. "Seriously?"

Gin shrugged.

"Kids these days have no self control," he drawled.

Tsukuyo clapped him lightly on the back of the head.

"You weren't exactly a paragon of restraint yerself, Gintoki," she muttered pointedly.

The man sheepishly averted his gaze from the lovely, lethal blonde.

Hijikata stared.

"What the hell?" he said. "I mean, I know what Sougo said, but I figured he was just being a dumbass like usual. Seriously? Those two? You two?"

"Well, GinTsu is a pretty popular pairing, right?" said Gin, shrugging. "A lot of people like Tsukky, or the dynamic she's got with me. Even the author's a bit of a fan." He waved a hand dismissively. "So it's not like it's really that big a deal."

Tsukuyo bopped him on the forehead.

"Don't talk about that kind o' thing so dismissively, Gintoki," she said.

Hijikata shook his head.

"Okay, but what about them?" he asked. He pointed at Shinpachi and Kagura, who were locked in the final freeze frame of a brutal cross-counter, each one's fist buried in the other's face.

Tsukuyo shrugged.

"The author took a likin' to them as a couple real early through watchin' the series," she drawled. "Maybe as early as that Eromesu episode, I think."

"Oh, yeah, I remember that!" said Gin. "He was probably thinking along the lines of 'whoa, look at how jealous Kagura's getting over Shinpachi going on a date with that cat-ears chick. Like, I can sorta get why Otae might be upset, but as far as Kagura this clearly means she must have feelings for Shinpachi!'"

Gin paused to breathe, before continuing.

"Or something like that," he said, shrugging. "Whatever the case, he took a fancy to ShinKagu early on. He started this fic even before getting to the first Yoshiwara arc!" Gin smirked, and shook his head.

"And when he did get to that fight scene with Abuto and Kagura and Patsuan, when Shinpachi nearly got killed, and Kagura went berserk, but Shinpachi got up to stop her before she could deliver the killing blow to Abuto...? Well that's one of the first scenes to come to his mind whenever he thinks of ShinKagu, nowadays."

"And since he was astonished real early on at how little stuff there was with Shinpachi an' Kagura together," added Tsukuyo, "even after his two year hiatus, he's just been real determined to try and promote the pairin' with this fic of his."

"So it's all self-indulgence on his part?" said Hijikata.

"Basically," said Gin and Tsukuyo.

Shinpachi and Kagura paused in their epic conflict to glare at the two.

"Don't make light of my feminine charms, dammit!" snapped the latter. "The author was clearly beguiled by my beauty early on, and became determined to ship his favorite female character with the male character closest to himself in looks and personality."

A vein throbbed in Shinpachi's forehead.

"And in what way am I like that short, hairy pervert?!" he snapped at Kagura.

"You both wear glasses," said Kagura. "And you both have brown hair, yes?"

"THAT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH TO CALL IT A RESEMBLENCE, YOU BRAT!" Shinpachi roared. "And what about me joining the Shinsengumi? And as an officer!? Hijikata-san, it's obvious you have a lot of explaining to do!"

The man in question shrugged.

"Maybe next time," he said. "Just be sure to show up on time for your interview."

He got up, then, and left. The door slid shut behind him before anybody made another move.

Shinpachi sweatdropped nervously.

"But... when?"

There was no answer.

(It was just a corpse.)

A/N: XD

Sometimes stream of consciousness is the only way to bust through the barrier known as writer's block. And procrastination.

Mostly procrastination.

Chapter added: 4-1-14

TTFN and R&R!

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