Another short chapter, but the next one has a lot going on, so I didn't want to bombard you all with too much.

To be on the safe side, keep a tissue or two handy… I am working on the next chapter now, so I should have it up no later than tomorrow evening. But life and time are always factors, so should something happen, I will make sure you have the update for Monday.

Thank you for all your reviews, they mean the world and keep my muse abundantly cheerful and ready to work.

Chapter Twenty

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

I wanted to sit by her as she slept but I needed to hunt and I needed a few moments to myself.

Bella was being taken care of, now I needed to do the same for me. I had held myself together for as long as possible but now things were compiling, ready to tear me under if I wasn't careful.

Peter had promised to stay with Bella while I took my moment.

I left the hospital at a human's pace but as soon as I was out of sight, I cast aside the predictable human façade. I all but blurred with the speed of my retreat.

The faster I moved, the more I grieved.

Unable, perhaps unwilling to continue on, I collapsed next to a bubbling brook. My emotions were jumbled.

The scene was picturesque. The large trees, with full bodied limbs, the scant silver moon glistening in the blue-black water. The wild flowers that were still in bloom, the reds and purples creating a serene oasis in the midst of the canopied trees, it was a scene straight out of a painting. The pure beauty of it broke my heart. This was a place I should have been showing Bella; instead she lay damaged and broken once again in a hospital…

The scene was made even more perfect because of a white-tailed deer grazing copiously at the sweet, fragrant grass. When the animal caught my scent, its head whipped around, its eyes twin pools of glossy onyx. The animal should have bolted at the mere sight of me, my scent alone should have sent warning bells off, instead, it huffed and once again lowered its muzzle to the grass. His action was almost a dismissal of sorts…

My hunger was raging anew but I admired the buck and its lackadaisical attitude. He should fear me, run in fear, but he seemed to sense an indecision I myself wasn't sure of.

I was about to pounce when a white-tailed doe and its fairly new fawn gracefully enter, taking their spot by the buck. Three deer all milling about, readily available prey, yet I could not take their lives…

The majestic aura that surrounded them was too serene, too perfect to destroy. With a cry of anger, I slipped from the picture perfect glade. Ready to follow the next enticing scent and the world be damned if it turned in to another scene like the last.

I wasn't sure how long I had run for but it would seem the world was conspiring against me. I managed to catch ten or so rabbits, but nothing else was afoot tonight.

Sick of trying, I turned around and headed back in the direction of the hospital.

When the large building came in to sight, my useless heart constricted, I could feel her within.

I wanted nothing more than to walk through the doors and take her in my arms, but my feet wouldn't move.

I had felt desperation and fear when Bella had disappeared earlier this year but I had never felt this complete desolate, encompassing despair before. Every useless breath I took was filled with searing pain, worse than the tormenting, continuous pain of being changed.

Unsure how long I would have stayed in my present position, thankfully the choice was taken out of my hands.

Thanks to my vampiric hearing, I heard her scream. Whatever the cause, it was enough to get me moving. Sadly, I was forced to move at human speed, so I would not give my secret away. I stopped at the hub, speaking to a slightly aggressive nurse. She gave me Bella's room number but with much disdain.

As I walked away, I heard her mumble under her breath, "Family only, just because you may be intending to marry her, doesn't make you family. Just lucky you are so easy on the eyes…"

I wanted to laugh but I couldn't find it in me. As quickly as I could, I made my way to her room. When I stepped in, she flew in to my arms. Her words a jumbled mess I couldn't understand. It wasn't until she repeated herself that I finally grasped what she was saying.

"I promise I will get better, please Jasper, take me home… I'll do anything you want, I'll never leave the house, just please, I am begging you, get me out of here."

"Bella, relax. As soon as the doctor says it is safe for you to go home, we will. I want to make sure you weren't seriously hurt by "Him". I wouldn't be able to live if something were to happen to you as well."

My words were useless, her panicky grip tightened as I tried to lay her back on the bed. She clung to me like I was the last life line she was likely to have. Her lips moved with stilted jerks across my neck and collarbone.

"I'm fine, look at me, nothing is wrong; just get me out of here."

I wanted to believe her but I knew the damage he must have inflicted had to have hurt her.

"Jasper, take me home, Carlisle can check me out. I need to go home. I've lost so much already, please don't make me stay here!"

That cut deeper than I wanted to admit. The fact that she was adamant about not allowing him to touch her before, this complete one-eighty was even more disconcerting.

"Bella baby, we are here already. Relax; I will be by your side the whole time."

I could see she didn't trust me, the words had no sooner slipped from my mouth than she was darting her gaze at Peter. "You weren't here when I woke up!"

Unsure how to prove my sincerity, I laid down on her bed draping her body over mine and held her close. I let my mind wander while I whispered my love to her and all the memories I hoped to make with her.

It must have worked because she relaxed upon me and slowly I heard her heartbeat slow in to a steady rhythm.

"Sleep love, we will figure everything out later."

Peter didn't move he just sat in the stupid, orange chair. He looked like a statue with his ability to remain still. If I hadn't know about vampires and been one myself, I would have been seriously worried about his lack of movement.

"She's strong man, she'll make it through this, so will you."

"What's it to you?"

"We're family, it's about time I started acting like it. I get that we have different food sources, but Charlotte and I don't kill anyone who doesn't deserve it. And perhaps we are playing judge, jury and executioner but you have to admit, there will never be a shortage of bad souls out there."

"You do understand that you rarely make sense anymore. What's with this power of yours, been honing it or something?"

"Actually, no, it wasn't until I got within close range of you that things started happening. It makes no sense to me but I have to admit, it's a little disconcerting."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I let the silence reign. Besides, I needed time to think and to do that right now, I needed it to be quiet…

We had barely known about the child, but since finding out, I was amazed at how much I really thought about him or her and what our lives would be like. Now that the chance was gone, it was like someone had taken out every happy thought pertaining to that child and left me a hollow shell.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."

I knew I hadn't slept long but I did feel a little better, physically if not mentally. Through everything that had happened, I still felt safe in Jasper's arms.

When I had awoken earlier, I thought I was going to go insane. It would have been a short trip, my emotions were overwrought and my mind was fixated on my child, our child, that when I awoke and saw that I was alone, it was just too much.

My first thought was that Jasper had finally wised up and left me. The second thought that flashed through my mind and heart had been that he couldn't stand to look at me, for I had been the cause of this whole terrible mess. My guilt would not be easily assuaged, but if I had any hope of getting past this and living a life with Jasper, I would have to.

"I am so sorry."

"No more apologies okay. This was not your fault; the circumstances surrounding all of this could not have been known. I wish Alice's premonitions worked on you but wishing for something isn't going to change anything. I love you, I will always miss our child but we can try again…"

"Please Jasper, I can't even think about that right now. This gaping hole in my heart is still too fresh."

I could see the wheels turning in his head and had to wonder what had stolen his attention and then he spoke.

"I know our baby wasn't very old, but what do you think about having a funeral…?"

And here I had thought I had cried all the tears I possibly could.

"Bella, I'm sorry it was a stupid idea. Just ignore me."

Trust the ass to think that I was mad about the idea.

"A---A---…" I had to stop; my tears had gotten the best of me and were choking off my attempts at speaking coherently.

I knew it was a lost cause to try and speak, so I did the only thing I could, I kissed him with everything that was in me. All my pain and sadness, my guilt, my love for him and my sheer joy at being loved by him, I put every emotion I possibly could, hoping to convey exactly what I thought about his idea.

"Is that a---yes?"

Not yet trusting myself to speak, I simply nodded my head. Burrowing closer to his body, absorbing his chill and replacing it with my warmth, I felt a small sliver of peace settle over me. The loss of my child would forever be with me but if I wanted to live and perhaps try for another baby, I had to allow myself to forgive."

"I love you Bella, so very much!"

"I love you too! More than I could ever say."

"When---when do you want to have the funeral and where?"

Wow, he just had to ask the hard questions right from the get go didn't he.

"I love our family and know we will always be with them but I don't know… I was kind of hoping we would have our own home, where we could go when we needed to get away. At least that was what I was thinking about since I found out that I was---pregnant. If we had our own home, I think having our child's grave close to us would be…meaningful. But since we don't have a home, I suppose we could have it at the Forks house, if that is okay with everyone and as for when, as soon as possible."

"Actually…"

I didn't give him a chance to finish, I was suddenly fearful, it was ridiculous but the emotion was there nonetheless. "Actually what?"

"About forty years ago I needed some time to myself; I was having trouble controlling my blood lust and needed to find an inner peace. I can't say that I actually did but I bought a house. I still own it…"

"Where?"

"Maunaloa, Hawaii, the house is about twenty minutes from Kepuhi Bay. I bought it on the spur of the moment. It was this beautiful house that was in danger of being torn down due to back taxes and such and I just couldn't imagine it being gone. So I made an offer and they took it. It is out of the way, the driveway alone deters people from coming to visit or take a peek. I was going to mention us going there for our honeymoon, but if you want our child's memory closer, I can try and find something close to Forks or even in Alaska. Whatever you want love."

Damn this man and his perfection.

My eyes felt like they had grit and sand embedded within, but I couldn't stop the tears. He really was too good for me but he saw fit to love me, I would not question it. He gave my world meaning.

"Jasper, that is perfect. But are you sure?"

"Completely. I love you and want only to see you smile again."

"You can put on the brave face all you want but it isn't going to help you. You lost a child too, what do you want?"

"I want our miracle to have a proper funeral; I want to set both our minds at ease. Knowing our child has gone some place better and is waiting to meet us, when our time comes."

Words would have been superfluous at the moment, so I did what came naturally. I kissed him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand."

I'm not sure when Peter left the room, but I was grateful for it nonetheless. Although when Bella's lips pressed to mine, I forgot momentarily, everything else around me. Nothing existed except her lips and mine and the emotions we were readily sharing.

The deep baritone voice startled both of us, Bella's lips parted in a shocked "o" before she lowered her head to my chest.

"Mr. Whitlock, Mrs. Cullen, I have the results of your exam. You are a very lucky woman. The damage you sustained should have caused you to hemorrhage, thankfully, with your miscarriage aside; you came through this relatively unscathed. You will be able to conceive again, if you so choose. But for the next couple months, I think it wise you take it easy. The blows you sustained caused your placenta to tear, you are indeed fortunate it didn't get any worse."

I had a question to ask, but it seemed he was on a roll and would not be deterred.

"You are going to have to be in close contact with a doctor. I want you checked out monthly for the first three months. It doesn't look like you will suffer any scaring, so conceiving and carrying to term should be fairly easy or as easy as it is for most others."

"When do I get to go home?"

"I want you here for the rest of the day, if I am satisfied with your progress, I will sign your release papers tomorrow."

"Thank you."

"Just doing my job ma'am, I'll check on you later. Perhaps after such an ordeal, it would be wise for your friend to go home so you can sleep."

He said it in an offhand manner, but I could see the way his eyes disregarded me, almost as if he thought I had done this to her and the emotions coming off of him, let's just say, they weren't the purest.

"My fiancé will be staying, it is in his arms that I sleep the best, you have a problem with that, sign me out now!"

Wow, she was a spitfire when she was telling someone how "Things" were going to be.

"Very well, good day to you both…"

Just before he stepped through the door, he looked back at the bed and the way her body draped mine, there was an interesting look in his eyes, but I said nothing. It would do no good anyway. But his comment after he shut the door made my proverbial blood boil.

"Wish I had a pretty little thing like that wrapped around me. The things she could do…"

I tuned him out after that, it was just too much. My inner demon wanted to kick his ass, hell, my inner man did too but I settled for hugging my "Pretty Little Thing" closer to my chest.

*****

Bella was beginning to drift off again when the room was suddenly a flourish of activity.

Alice and Felix entered first, then Edward and Minxy, Emmett and Jasper entered next. My little brother may be crass and acted stupid a lot of the time but I could see the pain and feel the shame rolling off of him. When I looked at Felix, his eyes met mine and no sooner did they meet than I felt a typhoon of guilt slam in to me.

Peter grabbed a chair and sat, pulling Charlotte in to his lap, a satisfied smile on his lips.

Esme entered last, hanging back in the door. I noticed with satisfaction that Carlisle had chosen to remain outside of the room.

She didn't raise her head, just seemed to burrow a little more in to me. I suppose she would have stayed that way, except Peter spoke.

"Bella, Jasper we need to speak to you."

"I can hear you."

I smiled, she was being ornery and she damn well knew it. My smile didn't last long though, because I could feel the minutest tremble racing through her body.

Catching Peter's eyes I shifted myself in to a sitting position and before she could protest, turned her around to face the rest of the family.

"Bella, Jasper, I know you have been through a lot and I apologize for overhearing your conversation earlier but I did and figured the least I could do to help you two out, is to arrange for your family and you to go to home."

"Peter, that is kind of you, but we decided to go to Jasper's home…"

"Love, that is our home not just mine, you are destined to be my wife and should you decide I am not the man for you, it will still be your home. And if I know Peter as well as I think I do, he probably has arranged for us to go to Maunaloa."

I caught just the barest whisper from Bella before Peter began to talk. "You will always be the man for me…"

"Jasper is correct. When you are given a clean bill of health, there is a private plane waiting to take you to Hawaii, where Jasper has a boat in the harbor that will take you to Maunaloa. I didn't want to plan everything, but just enough to lessen your heartache, if even just a little."

I couldn't see her face, but I could hear the tears in her voice.

"Thank you! But why would you do this, you don't even know me. I know your name only because Jasper said it once or twice, I don't even know the woman, who I surmise is your wife, sitting on your lap…"

"Her name is Charlotte and don't worry, there is plenty of time to get to know me and my wife. When you get back, perhaps we can get together. I may even have some really good stories to tell you about Jasper."

I wasn't overly worried about the stories Peter could tell, but I am sure he had some embarrassing tales nonetheless. For as long as I live, I truly hope Bella continues to surprise me like she did then.

"You---you won't be coming with us then?"

Her voice was meek and she stuttered slightly but I could feel her intense gaze on Peter, almost daring him to give the wrong answer.

"No worries love, we didn't want to intrude, there is plenty of time for us."

The bastard just had to wink at her, he knew I was watching, but did it anyway.

"Your right, there is plenty of time, hence why you will be joining us. A private plane can fit two more people…"

Peter's mouth opened and closed, if he was trying to mimic a fish, he was doing a damn good job. I caught Charlotte's gaze and smiled slightly. She knew Peter was screwing with me.

The rest of our family, minus Carlisle offered their condolences and gently hugged or kissed both Bella and I. When her tears began to run continuously, I thanked everyone for coming, but knew Bella needed to rest.

Felix looked like he wanted to say something, so did Minxy, but I begged them with my eyes, now was not the time.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"To forgive and be forgiven, if it's the last thing I do, then in death's release I may find the peace that in life I never knew."

"Jasper?"

"What love?"

"How do we have a funeral for a baby who has no name? How do we name a child when we don't know whether he was a he or she was a she?"

"Well we could find a name but what if we went with something easy. Baby Whitlock or if you prefer Baby Swan, it is a tad impersonal but we would always know, that no matter how many lifetimes we live, our first child will forever be in our memories and hearts."

"Thank you, for everything, you seem to always know what to say to make things a little better."

He smiled, it was a small, sad smile but it was a start.

"Do you think the family would be okay with the idea of saying a small poem or quote or prayer at the funeral? We don't have to, its just an idea that has been bouncing around in my head since we started talking about having a funeral."

"Not at all, I think they will like being included. Do you want each person to say something or each couple?"

"I don't really know. If they find something they like, then let them read it. If not, that is okay as well…"

"When would you like the service to be held?"

"Honestly Jasper, I have no idea. What do you think about having it on September twentieth? That gives us time to get everything ready, but also allows me some time to wrap my head around everything that has happened."

There were a lot of things I still couldn't wrap my head around. James, I could never call him my brother; it was sacrilegious to do so, at least in my mind. He was a monster and would be thought of as such. When I had time to heal, I would allow my anger for him, against him, to rise to the surface, for now, I wanted to remember my child, a child I have never even had a chance to hold.

"I think that is a good day. That gives us a little over a week…"

"What?"

He opened his mouth, but closed it again. I gave him a strange look but his eyes shifted from mine to the vicinity of the door. I turned my head and standing there in the door was Christina.

"I don't want to interrupt, but I just had to come and see if you were really okay!"

"I'll be okay, but…the…ourbabydidn'tmakeit." I tried to slow my words, but they came out in a jumble. No sooner were the words out than I was dissolving in tears again. I felt frail warm arms wrap around me, pulling me tightly against her body.

"Shh, child, everything happens for a reason. Hold fast to that and everything will be alright. Lightning may not strike twice but miracles can."

"Th-thank you."

"Nothing to thank me for, you are family child and that means more than you will ever know."

I could see Jasper was trying to wrap his mind around everything, but for the moment, I didn't have the strength to explain.

Christina told him they could talk some other time, get to know one another, if he was willing but being an "old bitty", she needed to get home and get her beauty sleep.

When she left my tears had finally tapered off and it was in Jasper's arms that I finally found that scrap of peace and was able to sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX