As we close out another year, let us take moment to remember the good and the bad; the happy and the sad. And let us remember that no matter how dark it may seem, the promise of starting fresh with a do-over is no more than a dawn's break away. May God bless all of you in the New Year, and may all your wishes come true.

P.s. Fanfiction isn't posting reviews to chapters, but I have gotten the email notifications. Thank you.

Hope Is Born Again

It was cold enough for snow, but the ground was clear. And although the nip in the air was teasing, not a cloud was in the sky. It was going to be a Christmas without snow. But that wasn't what Joss was thinking as she huddled deeper in her coat and hurried across the frozen ground of the park.

She had been a little late getting out of the office, and then her car hadn't started. Add in that the kitten got sick and Taylor was grouchy – all of this happening four days before Christmas - well, it would have been no surprise had she almost called off meeting John for their talk. But then the logical part of her won out by arguing that she had promised to talk to him, so it wouldn't be fair to break a promise. Why did logic have to be so logical?

Walking up on to the wooden bridge, she looked around for John. She frowned and looked at her watch. Two minutes past eight.

"Where are you?" she whispered.

"Hi, Joss," John's voice came out of the darkness.

Joss gasped in surprise and spun around. "John! You scared me to death! What are you doing hiding in the shadows?" She tried to catch her breath.

"Waiting for you." John stepped forward. "I didn't think you were going to make it."

"I almost changed my mind," she confessed.

"What stopped you?"

"I made you a promise."

"I see. I almost change my mind, too."

"Oh."

"But I felt that I owed you the truth. So here I am."

Joss tried to smile reassuringly at the coincidence, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Well, this is awkward." She pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "So...where do we start?"

"How's Taylor?" John asked.

"Not himself."

"I'm sorry."

"I think it goes deeper than you not going to visit Santa on Friday, but he's not talking to me." Joss sighed. "There was nothing about this in the 'What To Expect' books."

"I know it has to be hard."

"Eh. Well...if parenting were easy, there wouldn't be three sections dedicated to it at the local Barnes and Noble," she replied tongue in cheek.

"True," he agreed.

"He's hurting. A lot."

"I know. That's why I want us to talk."

"What do you want to talk about, John?" Joss asked.

"Us."

"Anything?"

"It's all on the table, Joss."

"Jessica."

"What do you want to know?"

"Who was she and how did she die?" Joss asked.

"You didn't investigate?"

"I thought about it," Joss admitted. "I even got as close as hovering the cursor over her name when I found it on line, but..."

"But, what?"

"I couldn't. I could have and you wouldn't have known, but I felt that I owed myself to hear it from you."

Pausing long enough to find a way to put his thoughts into words, John answered: "Jessica was the love of my life, and the woman I let get away. She was beautiful and funny and she said that I made her feel special. We met while I was a cop in the big city. She was a nurse, but her goal was to be a doctor. And I'm sure that with time, she would have achieved her dream."

"What happened?" Joss asked softly.

"We were engaged to be married. And we – um – we were just about to be settled into our life together when I received my transfer to here. I thought she might be happy for me, but..."

"She wasn't."

"No." John rested his forearms on the railing of the bridge. "She didn't want to move. I tried to explain to her that I needed to get away from the noise and traffic, but she thought I could work through it with therapy."

"PTSD?"

John closed his eyes. "Yeah. Not as bad as some of the guys I served with, but it was messing with me. The doctor that I saw said that if I wanted to remain a cop, then I needed to move to quieter and less stressful surroundings."

"And she didn't understand that?"

"Maybe she thought I could work through it – and maybe she was right – but I... All I could see was my career ending and not having anywhere else to go. Being a cop is all I ever wanted to be. Helping people, taking care of situations and problems..."

"Writing parking tickets," Joss joked lightly.

"Those too. Since I was a kid, all I wanted to do was be in the military and be a cop. I tried to explain to her that we could give it a chance, but she said no. I came down here to check things out, and I fell in love – like I came home for the first time in my life. I tried to tell her how I felt, but she wanted me to choose: Her or here."

"And you chose here."

John nodded slowly. "I did. God help me, but I chose this town over her."

"So, what happened?"

"She came down here a couple of times – maybe to clear her conscience or to try and acclimate – I don't know – but it didn't work out. We fought all of the time. She accused me of being selfish. Maybe I was. The last time I saw her, she told me that she had fallen in love with someone new – Peter Arndt was his name – a doctor – a heart surgeon, in fact - and they were going to be married. I guess she wanted me to fight for her, but I wanted to stay here. She left."

The wind blew softly and the rustling of the branches on the barren trees was the only sound for a long time.

"There was an accident on the highway. You may have heard of it: A tractor-trailer over corrected and jack-knifed on the highway during a winter storm five years ago."

"Seven people were killed and traffic was backed up for almost twelve hours," Joss recalled.

"That was the one." Lost in memories, John didn't feel Joss' hand cover his and give a squeeze. "Jessica and Peter were coming back from their honeymoon when they found themselves in the middle of the accident. Jessica – being the person she was – jumped out of the car and ran to help the injured. Peter said that he didn't even know what she was doing until it was too late. Without thinking, Jessica ran into the road...and directly in front of a car."

"I'm so sorry, John," Joss whispered, her voice choked with tears.

"The driver was distracted and didn't realize that the traffic had stopped for an accident until it was too late. Jessica..." John's voice trembled "...she never felt it. Or, that is what the report says. She died instantly."

"And her husband?" Joss wondered.

"He quit his job and went to work with Doctors Without Borders. Last I heard, he was working at some hole in the wall clinic in Mexico." John shrugged indifferently.

"And you think this is your fault?"

"I couldn't give her what she wanted."

"I think it's the other way around," Joss reasoned logically. "If she loved you as much as you loved her a compromise could have been reached, I think. She wanted you to be something you weren't, and you wanted her to love you for who you are – PTSD and all."

"I let her get away; I sent her to New York where she was killed," John argued. "I could live with her being happy and being married to another man. I could even handle her having children and never giving me another thought, but...I never got to tell her I was sorry."

"I know how you feel," Joss empathized.

"Paul?"

"Yeah. I don't know what you've heard, but it wasn't all rainbows and unicorns; we had our ups and downs." Joss gave a mirthless little laugh. "When they say 'for better or for worse', they know what they are talking about." She leaned down to join John.

"You couldn't leave here to be with Jessica when she needed you, and I wouldn't leave here when Paul needed me," Joss confessed. "He received his orders to Hawai'i – three years – and he wanted me and Taylor to accompany him."

"And you couldn't? Why?"

"My dad had just died and my mother was beside herself with grief...and there were so many legal and financial issues and loose ends I had to tie up. I tried to explain to Paul that I needed a little more time, but he wanted us out there. I know I should have gone, but I was being stubborn."

"Our weakness."

"Yeah. Mother told me that I needed to meet him halfway, so I told Paul that if he came home for Christmas, I would join him in Hawai'i."

"And he was driving home from...where?" John asked.

"San Antonio. He had just finished up another K-9 training, so he decided to take his two weeks and be with us."

"What does it have to do with a Christmas Tree, Joss?"

Joss looked up and tried to keep the tears at bay, but they still fell.

"We always got the tree together – like Taylor said, it was tradition. But I was driving home and I passed by the tree lot and saw the most magnificent Evergreen; it was as though it had come from a Norman Rockwell painting," Joss whispered. "I had to get it. I brought it home and decorated it. I thought I would surprise Paul."

"But...?"

"Taylor – God bless him – let the cat out of the bag." Joss shook her head. "I don't blame him," she hastily corrected. "Out of the mouth of babes."

"Paul didn't take it well?"

"That's an understatement. He accused me of going behind his back, and of using my dad's death to push him away. And..." her voice trailed off.

"And what, Joss?" John asked softly. He crooked his finger under Joss' chin. "What did he say?"

"He accused me of having an affair. I told him that I wasn't, but he laughed. He said that there couldn't possibly be anything else here that I would stay for. I got angry and told him to go to Hawai'i without us. He got angry and said that he was coming out here to take us with him – come hell or high water. I told him that if he didn't take back what he said, I would file for divorce."

Joss bowed her head. "He was driving too fast. They say he wasn't and that it was black ice, but I know Paul; he was trying to get here to stop me from going to the courthouse on that following Monday." She wept openly. "I always wonder what would have happened if I hadn't gotten the tree. Or if I had gone with him to Hawai'i. I never got a chance to tell him that I was sorry."

"And that is why you say no to the trees?"

Joss nodded. "Yes. I try to move on, but it's..."

"Too hard," John finished. And he knew that feeling – probably better than anyone else.

"I know." Joss looked at John's face. There was a look in his eyes that frightened her. "What's wrong?"

"All of this. I was hoping that you and I would be..."

"Something special?"

"Exactly. I don't know. We cleared the air, and we're still no closer to healing our wounds. I don't think you're over Paul," John told her. "Just like I don't think I'm over Jessica."

"What are you saying, John?" Joss searched his eyes for answers that weren't coming.

"I think... It's not going to work, Joss. You and me."

"It could," she reasoned. "I think."

"Do you still love Paul?"

"I don't know."

"But you blame yourself for his death."

"Just like you do for Jessica."

John cupped her cheek. "Looks as though we're caught in limbo. I need to go, Joss. I need to figure some things out."

"John, no... Don't go." Blinded by tears, she reached out and tried to grab his arm, but missed.

"I can't stay. I love you Joss." And then he turned on his heel and walked away.