Chapter 20: Alive

Turning the corner, I briefly glanced at my stopwatch and began to hasten my strides. As my foot made contact with the snow-laden pavement, I exhaled and let out a steamy cloud that quickly dissipated in the early morning air. Last night's snow had all but smothered the roads, leaving the suburban streets covered in a soft, powdery precipitation. Everything was calm, though, and things would soon return to usual around Chiba as the giant plowers made their way around town and cleared the roads. I couldn't say the same for myself.

Despite having been awoken in an awkward, disarrayed state, I was now wide awake as I focused on the task at hand. Part of me was convinced that this was because the alarm clock had gone off a little more unexpectedly than usual. The other half wondered if the cold weather had anything to do with it.

My feet furiously pounding the ground, I began to lengthen my strides and accelerate. Breaking out of my steady, monotonous tempo, I glanced at my stopwatch again as I increased my pace. I still had a ways to go and it was a bit early to turn on the after-burners, but I still pressed on.

A full minute and half ahead of my record pace… I thought to myself, almost ignoring the significance of what I was doing.

My side began to ache and I could feel my lungs struggling to draw in the frosty air from around me. I was definitely wrapping things up too early. Perhaps I'd be best off going easy until I hit the home stretch… The voice in the back of my head convinced me otherwise.

No.

Grimacing, I continued, ramping up the pace again almost in defiance of what my body was trying to tell me. I simply had to keep going.

It was silly. There wasn't any reason to overexert myself to the point of risking injury. I already had a large enough health problem keeping me and my family occupied at the moment. Logically speaking, what I was doing made little to no sense. It was foolish, even. Still, I kept going, refusing to let up. I covered my eyes a little as I noticed the sun rising in the distance.

One kilometer left. I thought to myself, nearly oblivious of the fact that I was damn close to passing out.

It was strange. Despite the fact that I was red as a cherry and wheezing harder than an old man with a chronic lung condition, I didn't feel perturbed in the slightest. My strides were chaotic, yet trance-like and meditative at the same time. Even when everything around me seemed to be going hell, it was like running still gave me a sense of peace.

As I drew closer to the final stretch, I fell back into my mind and started pondering.

Why does this matter so much? I've had ill-paced runs before. Even if I blow it on this one, there's always tomorr-

Then it hit me. It was the reason I got out of bed and strapped on my running shoes in the first place. It was what was pushing me and driving me insane at the same time.

Tomorrow isn't a guarantee.

It wasn't much of a surprise, really. Saturday night's trip to the hospital made that much painstakingly obvious. However, parts of the reality were still sinking in, bit by bit. Rather than viewing it in a hopelessly pessimistic light, I was beginning to see it in an objective manner. My worldview was still adapting and with it, my sense of self-duty. In a way, it almost felt empty. The facts were the facts and no matter how much contemplation I put myself through, my circumstances weren't going to magically shift themselves around to suit an ending that went in line with longevity. After the initial visit to the oncology center, I managed to hold on to that wishful idea for months, but last night was the nail in my coffin. It was sobering to say the least, but hopefully that was for the best.

Taking another look at my stopwatch, I nodded and looked straight ahead, where my house sat about a half-kilometer in the distance, porchlight still on from when I left.

Getting close… I thought to myself, bracing for the last leg.

I could feel a fiery pain searing through every inch of my frame. My heart was pounding and my breathing was beginning to become erratic. Each breath made my solar plexus tighten up to the point where it felt like it was going to snap. With each labored breath, my mind began to race as fast as my heart and I started thinking about what drove me to get up this morning in the first place.

You want to to die with no regrets? When all is said and done and you close your eyes for the last time, what do you want to remember? What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?

My face battered from the cold and my extremities beginning to grow numb, I could feel myself torn between inspiration and dispiritedness once again.

If I were to think about it, I had nothing significant to leave behind. I wasn't a master architect or leader like Noboru-san was and I hadn't accomplished anything of merit within my lifetime. When I died, I would eventually be forgotten like all others who died before me. It was only natural. Or would I? Regardless, I felt a fire burning inside my chest that kept me fighting.

For what reason, though?

It obviously didn't have anything to do with pride. I had long abandoned that notion, but I still felt something deep within me telling me to fight and live my life to the fullest. To be honest, I couldn't grasp what it was.

Think, Hachiman. Why do you feel the need to keep fighting? What is the passion that keeps you going? Is it love? Is it fear? Is it something else?

I wanted to understand why I felt the motivation that I did. It was without a doubt a feeling greater than anything else I'd ever felt before, but at the same time it had a mystique that I couldn't possibly comprehend. With a rough shiver, I was brought back to my senses and reminded of the fact that I was still in the middle of hauling ass home in what was likely to be my most intense morning run yet.

Perhaps this is just the human nature. I thought to myself hastily.

Pulling myself back into the real world, I saw my house a couple hundred meters in the distance and gritted my teeth. Only one word found its way into my conscience as I carried myself forward.

Go.

With narrowed eyes and a pump of the arms, I broke into a mad sprint, kicking up snow as I made my way home. The closer I got, the more I could feel myself wanting to succumb to exhaustion. It didn't matter, though. I wasn't just going about another one of my routine morning jogs. I felt like a man on mission. I was running for, or maybe even from something. As to what that something was? I had absolutely no clue, but I knew that I was going to finish strong.

As I came within a few houses of the finish line, my vision began to blur. The dryness in my throat almost prevented me from breathing altogether, but I kept going anyways. As I took the last few strides across my front yard, I brought my hand to my stopwatch and pressed the stop button. Not even looking at the watch, I keeled over and laid in the middle of the yard for a few moments.

Staring up at the early morning sky, I took in a deep breath and brought my hand to my chest. Even through thick gloves and a jacket, I could easily feel my heart thumping as it returned to its resting rate. I closed my eyes briefly, both savoring and enduring the moment. If I had to describe how I felt at that exact moment, I'd probably get lost in trying to come up with the right word. I was weary, uncertain, thrilled, terrified, confused, yet oddly satisfied. Everything that led up to this moment felt incredibly visceral. Acknowledging that I felt all these things, I opened my eyes and got up to cooldown and go inside. Finally checking my stopwatch, I noticed that I had knocked a full two minutes off my previous best ten kilometer time. Shaking my head with a half-smile while cheekily staring at the digital display, I walked to the other end of my street and back. Brushing the snow off my jacket, I stepped onto my porch.

My mind brewed a storm as I looked out into the neighborhood. For all I knew, I could've died of a brain hemorrhage doing what I just did. Maybe I was about to. Thinking about it brought a chill to my spine even more pronounced than the one brought about by the snow. No longer did everything feel gray and distant. The world, my life, and my experiences were all in front of me for me to see, feel, and remember. It was all incredibly fresh and real. I didn't understand a damn thing about myself as I would've initially thought, but strangely, I was beginning to come to terms with that fact. It was terrifying, but bewildering.

There's this belief where emotions running high often result in enhanced senses. Intense sadness, anger, joy, etc. can lead to a heightened corporeal experience. Sweet things taste sweeter, hearing is more discerning, one's vision is ultimately said to become much sharper. Perhaps it was superstitious nonsense. Maybe it was hidden wisdom. The veracity of such an idea was questionable, but there was no doubt that it precisely described what I was experiencing now. Taking in a deep breath, my pupils dilated as I let the freezing morning air fill my lungs.

I felt a wave of emotions wash over me as I thought to myself about the past, present, and future. I'd spent the last several months modifying my train of thought and contemplating new beginnings, but today felt different. Everything I had ever thought or known to be true was being shaken to its core. All the introspection I had done over the last several months was being put to the test. I was beginning to discover what my true colors were. The words that Hiro Yukinoshita spoke about taking each day one step at a time were beginning to resonate in a way that I had never thought they would. I was learning to accept my emotions and reactions for what they were. I was beginning to appreciate and savor each breath that I took, lest it be my last. My fate was black and white, but my conscience was bursting with color. With a firm nod, I turned the doorknob and headed inside with a fresh mind and a new perspective.

For the first time ever, I can say that I felt alive.

A/N:

Hey, guys! Bronze V Lee Sin here! It seems like it's been an eternity since I've posted a chapter, but I'm proud to say that I'm back in business for the time being. I'm not going to lie. This quarter was extremely brutal and I had almost no time to write or even think about writing. Even after finals were over, I had a good week or so where I just sat braindead while playing Osu and sending out work/internship applications. However, I'm glad to be back and I appreciate all the support and feedback I've gotten. I really can't stress it enough, especially for those of you who've reached out to me via PM and asked how I was doing. It's nice to know that I still have active readers out there. When I saw that I hit the #1 spot in both followers and favorites, I was absolutely speechless and felt beyond honored to hold such a privilege. It was a major accomplishment and a milestone in my creative writing endeavors, and I'll never forget what I felt when a few of you reached out and pointed that out to me. Even two months later, I'm still kind of sitting here, scratching my head and wondering how I got this far.

This chapter was fairly short, and I know it probably seems like an interim. I apologize if it wasn't as grandiose as you may have been wanting or expecting, but I did put a lot of thought into it and ultimately, it felt right to me. This isn't the end, and you'll definitely be seeing more from me within the next two or three weeks. I'm on break, so I pretty much have all the time in the world to dedicate to this story and I intend on using it to my advantage. Expect a lot more, because there's a lot more coming. Bronze V Lee Sin is back on the grind, baby! Hikuu!