John investigated the room for anything his Dad may have left behind. Ooh… it seemed as though there were some unopened birthday presents his Dad hadn't given him yet.
It was present time! He opened the gift on the right. This looked promising. Oh god yes. It was a Fetch Modus Control Deck™ , the ultimate inventory management system! He tore into the box and put a mean peep on the sw33tl00t! In addition to the modus control deck, which had six slots for multiple-fetch-modi-wielding-at-the-same-time, he got a bonus array fetch modus and another twelve cards, which were practically worthless at this point, but hey he'd take 'em.
The first thing he did was flush the extra cards into his deck, leaving him with 24. Ok, really? This just way too many of the things.
The next thing he did was to switch to the array fetch modus. It allowed him to store and retrieve any item from any card at any time. It seemed exceptionally serviceable, albeit difficult to weaponize. And BOOOOOOOORING.
He looked around for perhaps a set of instructions for the control deck, but there were none to be found. It didn't matter anyway. He would just pop some modus cartridges in the slots, fire it up, and see what happened. He started by putting the stack and queue modi in the slots. His sylladex now behaved like a stack and a queue. Items could be removed from both the top and bottom cards.
He saw no reason at all not to jam the array modus in there too. He made sure to blow out all the dust first, of course. The sylladex reconfigured itself into an array of four distinct queuestacks of six cards each. Yup. This was just the sort of needless complexity he'd come to expect from his inventory management system.
John turned his attention to the other presents. He had a staunch policy of always saving the biggest present for last. Always! So he opened the smaller present first. Inside was a box of delicious fruit gushers. Could the day have gotten any better? John didn't think so. He opened the bigger one. Inside was his own businessman suit. He had thought wrong. Now he could look distinguished with his complicated modus arrangement and fruit gushers.
John filled up one of his queuestacks with six pairs of shoes. Ok, awesome. Queuestack full'a shoes. He proceeded to captchalogue the fruit gushers. A pair of shoes flew out of his sylladex and bonked him in the back of the head. Dang. He'd spaced out and put the gushers in the wrong queuestack. But he wasn't worried. He'd get of the hang of this thing. Eventually.
He took the fruit gushers out and recaptchalogued the black shoes. He examined the box dreamily. So delicious. He couldn't wait to captchalogue one of these packs and make like a million gushers. Screw all of this building nonsense. He'd rather make candy.
Wait a minute… massive tropical brain hemorrhage? Was that even a legitimate flavor? That sounded off. Who made these things anyway? He looked at the top-left corner of the box. No. It… it couldn't be…
Betty Crocker?! The heinous batterwitch had her gnarled claws in everything. What did fruit gushers have to do with baked goods anyway? Why did this even make sense? Why?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
Cool fructose monsoon? Wild cherry apeshit apocalypse? What even where these flavors anyway?! Ranch dressing rampage? KIWI MANGO COLONIC RUSH!? MIXED BERRY SOCIAL DISORDER? WICKED! WATERMELON! GROIN! INJURY! JAMMIN' SOUR DIABETIC COMA! Neon green ecto-facial blast? M. BETTY CROCKER! WHAT THE HELL! MAGIC!
John held the box and shook sporadically and in random directions. This was definitely something to have a mental breakdown about. But seriously? THIS IS STUPID!
Jade walked towards the blue package casually. Suddenly, a white creature appeared out of nowhere, energy crackling all around it. It looked like… the dog silhouette from that pumpkin that had been in Jade's tower garden but had been appearified to WV's capsule.
Jade pointed her gun at the thing and prepared to Arraign. She aimed the rifle at its head and shot. Energy crackled around her. Lightning and green stuff flew in all directions. Reality flickered away for periods at a time. The bullet melted through the dog's head.
Ar...senalize. Jade shot at the dog, a fierce look of concentration upon her face, but it flickered into a green-and-yellow shifting silhouette. And then Jade and the dog were transported onto the bullet. It flew across the lake and they landed on a mini lump of land on the other side.
Jade ar...tillerated the dog, but just as the bullet reached the thing's head, the creature shifted them into some kind of outer space thing. As they traveled through outer space, they sped up and eventually reached the Milky Way again. They fell through the sky and finally landed back on the island, on top of one of the frog temples.
She ar...mamentified, but the bullet went right through the dog. They were transported through various random places, including Skaianet Laboratory, which hadn't been destroyed yet. Remember, reader, it's still the past (in terms of say, John and Rose).
Finally, they ended up where they had started, the dog crackling with green and yellow energy. Jade ar…fed? No, she didn't arf. The dog arfed. Jade ran to its side and shot a bullet into the distance. The dog teleported to its destination, slowed the bullet down considerably, and picked the thing up in its mouth as it passed. The dog returned and dropped the bullet next to Jade. In the meantime, Jade had picked up the birthday package.
When the dog returned to her, Jade tossed him the steak, which he gulped up quickly, and did a quick dance. Both of them participated in the shenanigan.
"Good dog!" she exclaimed, and gave Becquerel a hug. They continued to dance until Jade suddenly fell asleep. Bec tossed her onto his back and teleported her to her bed, where he dropped her onto the mattress and pulled the sheets over her. He then teleported away.
Rose checked herself for any possible mixed atoms with the mutated cat. Nope, no mixed atoms. It looked like she and her new little kitty had kept their genes to themselves. Her new little kitty whose name was… never mind. She'd think of one later. Hey, where the heck was she anyway? The floor was gray, but the room was permeated by a reddish glow. Oh, she was back home. The well-stocked bar and the Vantas… she meant vantage. What was Vantas? She had no idea. Anyway, the vantage from the window was a dead giveaway that this was her Mom's room. Or at least what Rose had thought had been the lady's room. It clearly wasn't because there was no bed or anything. She decided to not be particularly melodramatic about this revelation.
She looked out the window. Huh… that was funny. The lab was still in one piece. Shouldn't the place have been unestablished by now? The downpour of smaller meteors had stopped…
Oh god, there it was! Rose ducked as shrapnel from the impact broke through the window, grabbing the kitty at the same time. She had to get out of there. The room was a powder keg what with all the booze lying around. The whole room was on fire.
Suddenly, John was feeling very businessman-like for some reason. He'd just punched a shitload of cards in anticipation of making a whole lot of cool stuff. This time he hadn't foolishly destroyed any items. He'd just looked at the codes for some objects he'd rounded up, and punched them on blank cards.
He wondered how much alchemizing he could get away with before Rose got back. As if she had any right to tell him what to do with his hard-earned grist. He was the one running around here putting his ass on the line. All she had got to do was mess around with her computer. Anyway, he had to hurry.
Jade lay in bed and began to dream. One flight of steps down from where she lay, the box with the atom logo on it began to shake. Suddenly, the door popped open and a robot with the same proportions as Jade appeared. It had huge red eyes. Jade's dreambot was now active and awake. She looked around the room in her dream. She was wearing a yellow shirt with a moon on it and bright yellow rays shone through her windows on either side. The walls had fancy pink wallpaper upon them. The dreambot stood in Jade's room with white floors and a Squiddles poster on the wall.
Dream Jade decided to obliquely foreshadow the future through interpretive dance. The silly dance foreshadowed nothing and was essentially meaningless. But it sure was a lot of fun. Wait. What was that arm coming from a blue portal over there… oh, it was nothing.
Suddenly, she yawned. She felt particularly tired today for some reason, so she climbed into bed and tried to get comfortable. But some sort of invisible force was pressing down on her, a strange feeling of cold heavy metal. No wonder she could never get any sleep!
Jade wanted to realize that she could fly, but there was not much to realize. Of course she could fly! The dreambot's nuclear rocket pack was activated and Dream Jade floated into the air. Okay. That was enough of this flying nonsense for now. She landed and examined John's birthday package.
Unfortunately, she would not be able to open it just yet. This package had an important journey to make first. She was planning on delivering it momentarily. Good thing she already knew what was inside. Otherwise, she would have surely been consumed by curiosity and suspense. She sincerely pitied anyone who might have been forced to endure such a fate.
Months in the past… well, enough for the snow on the ground to be seasonably reconcilable.
- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -
GT: hey, happy birthday jade!
GG: yay thank you john! :D
GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time.
GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too.
GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that? you are running me ragged!
GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that!
GT: i can't wait for you to see what i got you. i don't want to spoil it or anything but hopefully it will help you solve those problems you've been having lately.
GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;)
GG: im sure it is great, i cant wait either!
GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait!
GT: oh man.
GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff.
GT: ARGH.
GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does!
GT: ok well i hope so.
GG: 3...
GG: uhhhh hold on
GG: ok im back sorry
GG: i had to tell someone to go away!
GT: oh god.
GT: the trolls again?
GG: yup :o
GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately.
GT: it seems like there are so many.
GT: there are either like fifty of these retards or it's one guy with a lot of alt accounts.
GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!
GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy
GG: i have counted twelve
GT: what do they want with us!
GG: some people just like to needle others for some reason john
GG: it is like a game i guess. they are like pranksters!
GT: oh hell no, shittiest pranksters ever.
GG: but i think they are mostly harmless
GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe
GT: oh wow, what? years?
GT: ok, well i am sick of them.
GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off the trail.
GT: so...
GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.
John went into the Pesterchum options and changed his username to ectoBiologist. There we go. That was better. Now the trolls wouldn't be able to follow him around anymore.
In the same house, but not the same locale or time frame, John entered his room. He had already carved a few totems, but he'd had to return to the living room for some more cruxite dowels. His carving work was not nearly complete.
Every time he reentered his room, he shuddered at the recent handiwork of some mischievous shale imps. He just couldn't turn his back on them for a second! His posters! His beautiful posters! They'd been like children to him! Nick Cage was neither a clown nor a fool as the posters portrayed him.
Rose fled the burning room and returned to her own. At long last, she had a stable power source and internet connection. Thanks to Skaianet Laboratory.
Vodka Mutini purred at Rose's side. Yes, it was the best name ever! And most ironic. Rose supposed she'd call the cat Mutie for short.
TT: That's quite a totem collection.
TT: What are you planning?
EB: oh whoa hi!
EB: oh...
EB: gonna make some stuff.
EB: are you ok? hasn't your house been on fire for like...
EB: five hours now?
TT: No, that was the nearby forest, which up until quite recently would have been best described as "on fire".
TT: But you may be excited to learn that just as recently, my house finally notched that achievement.
EB: wow, congrats i guess?
TT: Thank you. Have you seen Dave?
EB: nah.
EB: his bro is probably busy kicking his ass.
EB: that's probably all there is to say on the matter.
TT: Ok.
TT: I'm going to start putting this grist to use too.
TT: Let's be sparing with the frivolous knickknack breeding and focus on getting you up to the gate, ok?
EB: yeah, ok i hear you, but...
EB: i think we'll have plenty. i've been killing imps all over the house and now its lousy with gushers.
TT: Gushers?
EB: i mean grist.
EB: serves them right for ruining my posters. the bastards.
TT: Which posters?
EB: don't you see? my sweet movie posters. look at them, they're fucking ruined.
TT: John.
EB: ?
TT: Are you suggesting that imps are responsible for defacing your movie posters?
EB: uh, YEAH?
TT: Your posters have looked like that ever since I first saw your room.
TT: The moment we started playing this game.
TT: I thought you had defaced them ironically to mock your father's interests.
TT: John?
TT: ...?
EB: VERY FUNNY ROSE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
EB: NICE JOKE
EB: GREAT JOKE THERE ROSE
EB: TOP OF THE LINE PRANK
EB: HE HE
EB: HA HA HA HA HA
TT: This is good.
TT: Laughter is probably the best way to avoid being especially melodramatic about the revelation.
EB: yes
EB: YES
EB: LET'S KEEP THIS JOKE GOING
EB: BECAUSE IT IS SUCH A GOOD ONE
EB: HA HA HA HA
EB: OH MY
EB: HA HA HA HA HA HA
EB: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
WV and Serenity stood atop the capsule. Slowly, WV turned. He figured that it was time for them to descend to the ground. Except… the loose cable he'd gathered up and tied together was not yet long enough to allow him to reach the ground safely, leading him to the sad but entirely true conclusion that he could not descend from the top of the mobile station.
He'd already used all the cable he could find. He would have to come up with another plan. Maybe he could sacrifice his mayoral…
ABSOLUTELY NOT WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY
A MAYOR DOES NOT RELINQUISH HIS MAYORAL SASH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER PERIOD
WHY DO YOU EVEN PUT US IN STUPID SITUATIONS AND THEN GIVE US STUPID SOLUTIONS FOR US TO FILTER THROUGH THATS SO STUPID
"Okay, sorry for even suggesting the idea," a voice mumbled. The orange fingers stopped moving across the keyboard momentarily, but then started back up again. The trudge called Homestuck continued. A drop of sweat was wiped from a forehead.
What about appearifying the temple? No, that was such a dumb idea WV was annoyed he'd even suggested it. Not as dumb as using his sash, but it came pretty close. The temple was way too big. He'd probably just end up appearifying a chunk of boring, useless rock.
Wait, what was that? There was something dangling from the top of one of the towers near the main temple. WV commanded Serenity to bring it back to him, whatever it was. What? How? Serenity was a tiny insect and could not possibly lift more than the weight of a pumpkin seed!
She did inform him, however, upon flying over there and coming back, of what the ledge contained through a series of informative blinks. There was an old rusty harpoon lodged into the crumbling rock. Tied to it was a jumble of handy cable. This struck WV as particularly convenient. It was almost as if someone had known that he would need a bunch of cable, and that he would have a mayoral sash made out of cable, and that he would be particularly attached to that mayoral sash and would stubbornly refuse to use it. Anyone who knew that much would surely possess a special gift! Alas, it seemed a bit far-fetched.
He decided to get ye rope using the Appearifier. Well, he'd already established that it was a cable and not a rope, but it was okay. He took a hasty swig from one of his delicious pawns and put it down on the SBURB logo button. He then quickly adjusted the coordinates to appearify the jumble of handy cable.
He pressed appearify. A blue package appeared on the triangley-fractaled platform. Uh… that wasn't a cable. Oh, of course! The time hadn't been set to the present moment. Somehow it had been reset to a few hundreds years ago. It appeared to be some sort of present from the past… in the present. On it was a sticker that read:
TO: GG
FROM: GT
There was also an envelope attached. It looked extremely important. It was addressed to a certain "Mister Mayor." Oh, that was him! He tore open the envelope. Inside was a letter and another envelope. This was all highly confusing and he did not know what to make of it. Still, it was obviously critical mayoral business which he took very seriously and he would defend this package with his life.
He set the time to the present and appearified the appearified the jumble of cables.
He proceeded to tie all the cable together and carefully lower his precious pumpkin bindle. He then rappelled down the station with the package, which must not leave his side. Serenity followed not far behind him.
Years in the future, which was to say the present moment precisely! As in the exact same time that WV climbed down from the mobile station. Someone watched the Mayor through a spyglass. This someone stood in the temple.
The mysterious carapacian in gray rags and the firefly were trespassing on his land. Wait, what was that? The figure with the spyglass looked past him at a star in the sky. Wait, it was daytime. How was there a star in the sky? Whatever it was, it was growing. He zoomed in closer to see a capsule with a green house logo on it, suspended by whirring helicopter blades. There was a hole in the side of it with smoke trailing out.
An Aimless Renegade prepared for company. He put the spyglass down and cocked his rifle.
It was time. He was ready.
EB: ok, while i make some stuff here can you keep an eye out for imps?
EB: just keep the safe or tub handy or something.
EB: it'll serve them right for trashing my posters.
TT: I keep telling you the posters were always like that.
EB: AND I KEEP TELLING YOU HA HA VERY FUNNY
TT: Here, look.
TT: /O413nanna
TT: /O413weirdo
EB: yeah, i saw those, but...
EB: they didn't look like that before. you must have changed them.
TT: Even if I had the motive for such a bizarre and pointless deception, where would I find the time?
TT: I don't even have Photoshop.
EB: then why didn't you TELL me they were there?
TT: I had no reason to think you were not aware of them.
TT: I thought they were strange, certainly, but was not struck by any particular impulse to discuss them.
EB: ok, it still doesn't make sense though.
EB: implying that i drew them a while ago and then forgot and couldn't see them and now suddenly see them.
EB: that's stupid, what would that even mean.