Lighter Than Life Chapter 21, a ncis fanfic

LIGHTER THAN LIFE CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

By Sue and Craig

DISCLAIMER: We don't own NCIS or CBS. This is just a fan fiction from our warped minds.

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Tony sat on his couch, a bottle of water sat on his coffee table, the TV on mute. He wanted to drink something stronger only he was too afraid. He remembered what the doctor had told him. He remembered his parents drinking, his mother downing her pills with her usual drink. He shook his head at the memories that he had fought down over the years making them smaller and easier to handle. He'd always blocked out the stronger memories of his youth as much as he possibly could.

He sighed at the thought of his actions over the past several weeks. He felt shame, embarrassment, guilt, depression mixed with anger. All the feelings were tied up in a ball, a ball that bounced around a roulette wheel that spun in his head.

Why? Why hadn't he seen what had been happening? Tony had questioned himself over and over again the past few days. The questions tore through him as if he were interrogating himself. He should have seen it, should have known what was happening. Damn it, he'd worked in Vice at one time. He was a trained investigator for crying out loud. He had felt lighter than life over the last several weeks, yet he hadn't put it together, hadn't realized that the feeling was due to him being drugged. He couldn't stop the thoughts and he defiantly couldn't handle seeing anyone from work because of them.

Jeffery Thomas was responsible they had said. Gibbs had told him as well. Sure there was no love loss between the two back in Baltimore, only that was years ago. Tony had been with NCIS over four years now. Had been through partners, Vivian and Kate had gone only to be replaced by McGee and Ziva. Why would Thomas do this? He knew why, the hate and jealousy had magnified over the years. Still, that wasn't an excuse to not see the affects of the drugs that had consumed him. And, how embarrassing to have Thomas, who hated him so much, that he'd do something this drastic. He shook his head for what had to be the millionth time, dwelling over the same thoughts these past several days. Since Gibbs had brought him home it had become harder.

Tony had always suffered from nightmares about his childhood. A case he would be working on, similar to that pain from his childhood, would open the box he had so carefully placed all his unhappy memories in. Since being home, he had tried to sleep these new painful memories all away, but couldn't. Tony woke up every few hours from the dreams. Dreams of moments he hadn't been able to remember, moments that were fuzzy and coming slowly back to him. The roof, hurting Gibbs, hurting everyone he'd cared about. He'd seen sweet Kate and wanted to fly away with her and then the sniper that wasn't there, but only in his head.

Tony had woken up several times, soaked in sweat. Finally, he took a shower, dressed, changed the sheets and was up for the day. He had eaten so much at the hospital, had felt starved even though he hated hospital food. He tried to eat today, only he hadn't been able to consume much, he just couldn't. He avoided the mirrors not wanting to see his reflection and tried to push the thoughts away, only for them to come back with a vengeance.

No, he couldn't face anyone from NCIS. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to. He had to work on pushing the situation and feelings down deep, like he had with his childhood. Then he'd figure out if he'd go back to NCIS or move on to another law enforcement job in yet another state. He thought he'd broken that way of hiding and only hid in his mind the things that bothered him the most. He would deflect any talk of his childhood and only show people the outer shell of himself, keeping the inner part safe and locked up. Until he knew whether he'd go back to work he'd have to go to that outpatient program.

A knock on his door brought Tony out of his reverie. He knew it was someone from the team, Ducky, or perhaps Abby, who had called a few times. He'd ended the calls quickly, telling her in short words that he was tired and made sure she wouldn't stop by. His gut told him the person at the door was Gibbs. He didn't have the strength for this. Again, he knew that he just couldn't face anyone from the team, especially Gibbs. He'd seen his boss once already and, it had been more than enough, it had been draining.

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Slowly Tony got up as the knocking turned to pounding. Yeah, it was Gibbs.

He found himself at the door and looked through the peep hole. Great, it was Gibbs and his stomach fluttered with anxiety. He turned and pushed his back against the door after putting the chain in place. He had the door knob locked as well as the dead bolt. He cleared his head when his back felt the pounding of his boss.

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs yelled.

"Yeah Gibbs?" Tony answered, leaving the locks in place.

"You gonna open up?" his boss asked.

"Go away. I'm not up for company. I'm tired and need to rest." Tony feebly told him.

"DiNozzo, open this damn door, now." Gibbs tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice and used a light commanding tone.

"NO! I'm tired and you woke me up. Please, just leave me alone for now." Tony sternly told his boss while uncertainty swam through him.

Gibbs remembered what Ducky had said about Tony pushing them away. He'd seen Tony react this way before. He tried to clamp down on his emotions and use a different approach. His voice softened. "Tony, I need to see you. We can talk and I'll listen." He offered.

"Damn it, what part of go away don't you understand!" Tony barked the words that Gibbs had so often used many times through out the years. Maybe using Gibbs own words against him would work.

"Not leaving until I see you and we talk." Gibbs put more force in his voice.

"Not happening. We spoke yesterday and I have my outpatient group to go to on Monday. I need to rest the weekend." The younger man forcefully said.

"Tony, fighting this isn't good, you need to see us. You already saw me, so open up!" Gibbs patience was wearing thin.

"Gibbs, I know you aren't used to not getting your own way, but please leave." Tony lowered his cold tone.

"Ah hell Tony, will you just open up? I don't want to use my key or bust the door down. You need your friends around. We aren't just your team. Tony, we're your friends too, your family." Gibbs warned and then remembered again what Ducky had said. He tried in the second part to appeal to his agent by using how he needed to see them and how they wanted to help him. He turned team mates into friends. He lastly added, knowing that dark family life Tony had had, by saying family. Gibbs didn't usually speak this much, but they were family when it came down to it. And they were all worried.

"Don't think so….And you busting my door down? Nice threat. I'm going to lie down." Tony expressed coldly.

"God damn it, Tony. You can't hide forever." Gibbs told him in frustration.

Tony felt all his emotions taking over, tearing fiercely through him. "I said……LEAVE! I'm going to the outpatient program like you all want me to and I'm fine. Now….LEAVE ME ALONE! IS THAT ASKING TOO MUCH?" Tony ended up yelling, the emotions boiling with in him. Sure, he didn't want to hurt his boss anymore, but Gibbs had better things to do than baby sit him.

"You're not fine and pushing me away won't make it better for you. I'll leave for now, but I'm coming back. I want to help, want to make sure you're ok. And, I'm sure your team mates, no, friends, will be around too. I'll see you Monday, after your outpatient program is over, we'll have dinner." Gibbs stated.

Gibbs sent up a prayer to a God he didn't know if he still believed in, that he had gotten through to DiNozzo. Tony was like a son to him, but his usual bastard self had never told the younger man, maybe it was time to admit it. He hoped Tony would see him on Monday, maybe the program would settle his agent enough. And he hoped that maybe Tony, if the young man wouldn't see him right away, would see another member of the team. Probably Abby, he thought. With the type of relationship the two had, he hoped she could get through to DiNozzo. Gibbs had never seen the younger man act this way or yell in that cold tone. And, never had the man used his own words against him in the little over four years he'd known Tony. Gibbs realized he was hoping for a lot. Ducky had said it would take time. Gibbs just didn't want Tony to go through this alone and to let his family help him.

"Whatever. Good-bye." Tony answered with a flat cold manner. He knew Gibbs would be there after his program on Monday. Tony blinked as he thought. He'd park somewhere else. Some where Gibbs wouldn't see his car. He'd get another double bolt lock put on the door, one that Gibbs didn't have a key to and then he could hide in his apartment.

He heard Gibbs walk down the hall and then let out a breath that he hadn't realized he was holding while he slid down the door and on to the floor. His legs pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them, his face lying on his knees. That was hard, but it would be worst fighting them all off. Did he have the energy? He had to. It would be worse seeing them. His mind drifted away into those thoughts. Finally, from sheer exhaustion, he fell asleep in the awkward position.

OUTPATIENT PROGRAM (MONDAY)

Tony met with the administrator in charge. The man was in his fifties, heavy set, his hair peppered with grey on the sides, the rest of his head was bald.

"Mr. DiNozzo, I'm Joseph Peterson, I run the place as you know." Joseph stuck out his hand for Tony to shake.

Tony shook the man's hand with a small smile. "Please, call me Tony."

"Fine, Tony it is. Now the program is four to five hours. Some people stay for the 12 step meetings. At this point I don't think you need that after reading your chart so you'll be here four hours. You'll have an hour of group and then an hour of one on one therapy followed by lunch and then another hour of group. You'll sign in so we know you're here and your boss will too. Doctor Jackson explained that to you and also explained that this is a four day a week program, Monday through Thursday. I'm glad he gave you the paper work, so that's all done and you know the rules. Your therapist's name it Mr. Bruce Campbell. You'll see him after group. Now let me show you where the group is, they'll be starting in five minutes." Mr. Peterson led Tony to the large room for group therapy.

Tony had been told that this program was for high risk jobs. There wouldn't be people there that would be afraid to talk due to him being an agent or him afraid to talk due to some of the crimes a civilian had done. Though he was warned that some of these people had stolen drugs or maybe had done some crimes, but that he wasn't there as an agent. All he had to do was put the job aside and talk. That anything said in the group or with the therapist was confidential and didn't leave the building. This made sense to Tony. He'd play whatever game they wanted him to play, after all he was great at undercover work, had been all his life.

GROUP THERAPY

Tony entered the large room that had a coffee pot and donuts placed on a small table against the wall. There was a long table with hard metal chairs that surrounded it. He saw about eight people sitting there and someone that sat at the head of the table, he figured to be the leader of the group. He had been told that the people here had come in at different times and while he was there more would come in. That sounded about right from what he knew of these programs. He had tried to get people into them when he was on the force. First detox and then this program and the 12 step program the administrator had mentioned. He sighed, got himself a cup of decaffeinated coffee and donut before he sat down.

The meeting started as the leader spoke. He was a tall man in his late thirties, slim with dark hair. He looked over the group. "Hi everyone, today we have a new person in the group. Maybe we can all introduce ourselves and then the new guy can also introduce and then tell us a bit about himself."

There were eight people, two doctors, a financial consultant, two nurses, a lawyer, a CEO of a company and a police officer. They all introduced themselves. All of them stating their names, professions and how and why they used, they kept it brief. Tony was amazed with the people from the medical profession. He knew the long hours and the stress they were under. He also realized that in this closed group that everything stayed inside and didn't leave the room. That was important for them in order to say what they did for a living and how they stole the drugs, mostly uppers and downers. He wasn't surprised with the lawyer. He never liked lawyers, though he had worked with JAG. His head went to Faith Coleman and her odd behavior for neatness and how he teased her, maybe she had OCD and he chuckled in his head at the thought. The other two didn't surprise him at all. They reminded him of his father. What did surprise him was the police officer. Sure he knew the long hours that were put in and had seen over the years some cops pop an upper to keep going during a long drawn out case. All of this had been explained to him by the administrator and the leader of the group too. Sure, he'd introduce himself and give them what they wanted.

All eyes were now on Tony. He took in a deep breath. "Hey, I'm Tony. I'm a federal agent with NCIS. And before you ask, it stands for Navy Criminal Investigation Service. No one ever knows what it means. You know it gets pretty frustrating when you have to go to a scene and explain who you are or be asked if you're the FBI. And for that matter, when working with the FBI and we've solved the case we never get any credit. I mean really it's annoying….." Tony was surprised when he was cut off by the police officer.

The man's name was Bob who looked to be in his forties. He had blond hair and still kept his build. Tony figure he must work out. "You're going on about things that aren't important here. Sorry, but we need to know why you're here." He simply stated.

Tony nodded, he had hoped he could ramble and get out of it, but saw they wouldn't stand for it. Maybe the others would, but not a seasoned police officer. "Ok man, I worked as a Detective Sgt. for Homicide for two years. There was another team with higher seniority," Tony took another breath to hold his mask in place, "They were there for a long time and, well, me and my partner weren't in Homicide long before we started to have a higher close out rate then the other team. The captain would give them a case and if they couldn't solve it then he would give it to us and we'd solve it. I ended up leaving after two years. I knew the one didn't like me, but didn't realize he carried that grudge against me for years. He worked vice and took some of the drugs, not enough to get caught, but enough to put it away. He then came to work for NCIS in a department where I would never see him," Tony took a minute and gave them a small smile. He was giving them an outline and he wasn't going to go deeper into the story, just enough to get through what he needed to, "anyway, the guy ended up hating me even more and started drugging me. I never took the drugs on my own and would never touch drugs, never did in all my life. So the guy drugged me without me realizing it. Put it into a powdered creamer I used for my coffee. He used Cocaine with a bit of Heroin and that led me to detox and now here." Tony smiled and took a gulp of his coffee. He didn't know if anyone, especially the police officer, realized that he was using his peripheral vision to see if his story passed their test. After a few minutes the leader started talking about a topic, so he knew the story held, for now. All he had to do for the rest of the time was lay low and if he had to, give a little away, yet not too much. He had been told different things and would use them to cover his feelings.

Tony listened to the people around him and understood, even felt bad, but that wasn't him. When the topic came around to him about being angry, he thought carefully before he answered. "I was angry at first, at this man who had drugged me, but I worked it out."

The same police officer, Bob, countered Tony. "Hey man, I think you're still angry with him and at yourself. Why don't you tell us the truth?"

Tony was thrown for a minute at that, but recovered quickly. "Why would I still be angry at Jeffery, he's obviously a sick guy and needs help. That's what I realized. Like I said I was angry at first until I understood how he held on to his anger towards me." Tony told him calmly.

"Uh huh, but what about your anger at what was done to you, the fact that you didn't realize it?" Bob pushed harder.

Tony kept his cool, along with his game face. He knew he could play the part. "Bob, how could I know I was being drugged if I was under the influence? Like I said, sure I was angry and worked it out. Was it fair? No, but the man is sick and is now paying for what he's done. Me? I'm a victim that refuses to be that victim. And I have been working that out in my head the past several days. Being a cop or an agent you see victims all the time. I used what I'd say to them and saw it was right. I'm not a drug addict. A victim, yes I was, but I will not stay that victim." Tony finished, taking another sip of his coffee. Sure everything he felt was opposite to what he had told them. Yet he wasn't going to let them know how guilty, angry, depressed and any other emotions that ran through his head made him feel. He could do this by himself.

Bob nodded his head to what Tony had said. He didn't believe this federal agent's answer. Bob figured it was better to wait and then push him more later about the truth. After all it was his first day and the hour was up anyway. With that, the leader let them go and the officer watched Tony walk out without getting to know anyone in the group and a false confidence Bob remembered all to well.