Sunday January 21st
God, this is so hard" Lucas said, as he started to talk to god.
Last night, Peyton, she ended things between us. I know that it's because she lost her memory and that it might not be forever. But it certainly feels like it.
God, a week ago I was so happy. I had Peyton and everything was going good for us, now... Now everything's fallen apart.
God, in one day I learnt that Peyton was pregnant, that she lost the baby, and that she doesn't remember our love for one another.
How will I cope? It's like a horrible nightmare.
I love Peyton so much and she doesn't even remember a single thing we shared. She doesn't remember how in love we were...
God, it sounds so strange to refer to Peyton and I in the past tense.
But I have to wonder, will I ever use the present tense again or is it over for good?
Will things ever be the way they were?
January 27th, 2001
Dear Diary,
Things are so strange right now.
I mean, on the one hand, I'm happy because Nathan and I are together again and it's so good between us. In fact, it's better than it ever was before.
But, on the other hand, how can I be truly happy with all the stuff going on in my best friend's life?
It's been a week since the accident and... It doesn't look like things are going to get back to normal any time soon.
Peyton still has no memory of her relationship with Lucas or of anything that has happened in the last few months.
Because of that, nothing is the same. My only question, is, will it ever be again?
Talk to you Later,
Haley
Jan. 31st, 2001,
I think my plan to show Peyton what we could have, might work. " Tyler said, to his friend who he called for some advise.
I've been spending some time with her in the last few days and it's been good.
Since she and Lucas are no longer together I've been trying to charm her, so that when she i regains her memory, she'll realize that she isn't mean to be with Lucas. She's meant to be with me.
The only problem is, while she can't remember ever having feelings for Lucas, it's obvious that she might have romantic feelings for Julian. Which, is interesting to say the least.
But, I know that Julian is no more suited for her than Lucas is I just have to make sure she knows that and I'm doing everything I can to make sure of that.
"Tyler this girl must be one fine piece of ass for you to come up with all this planning shit." He's friend said. " Cus the Ty I know wouldn't be doing no planning just to get some."
"Oh my friend she is way hot, I'll send you picture soon." Tyler said, as he hung up..
February 2nd, 2001
Dear Diary,
Peyton still hasn't regained her memory and it doesn't look like she's going to any time soon.
It's so frustrating. My friend doesn't even remember me.
More than that, it just makes things so much more complicated with Julian.
Just as I was starting to wonder if maybe something could happen between us, this happens.
Julians been so devoted to Peyton, he's rarely apart from her, and it's obvious that he hasn't gotten over his feelings for her. No matter what he says or thinks.
More than that, the few times I've seen Peyton, I've gotten the impression that she might have feelings for Julian now that she can't remember ever being in love with Lucas.
Also, Tyler's making a move on Peyton. I knew he had a thing for her, but... It just makes things more complicated.
Even when, if, Peyton gets her memory back, I'd bet that things are still going to be complicated. We'll still have to deal with all that happened, the only difference is, Peyton will have her memory back.
But with all these emotions stirred up, I'm willing to bet that she's going to have one major choice on her hands.
And I know, whatever she chooses, it will affect all of us. and probably break some hearts big time..
Forever Yours,
Brooke...
February 6th, 2001
"Hey Nathan, I need someone to talk to, but I need you to promise whatever I say to you. Stays between us. You can't tell Haley or anyone."
"Sure man, What's up?"
"I just have to get this stuff off my mind. Since the accident, my feelings for Peyton have returned full force, if they ever went away. I love her. I always have.
But, even if she says that she wants something to happen between us, I know it can't. Not now. Not when she doesn't remember an important chapter of her life.
What I want to know, is, will it ever happen? Will we ever be together.
I thought the answer was no. But now, now I can't help but wonder again.
I like Brooke, I'm even attracted to her, but... She's not Peyton. Nobody else ever will be.
" Julian man you got to go with your heart, What does your heart want?" Nathan asked, but he already knew the answer.
"Peyton, my heart wants Peyton."
February 9th, 2001
Dearest Diary,
I keep wanting to remember, but I can't.
My mind's a total blank and it creeps me out. There are so many months of my life I don't remember.
So many significant events that just there aren't any more.
I was in love, I was pregnant, yet I can't remember any of it. It's almost as if it never happened. How is that possible?
How can I not remember falling in love with Lucas?
I've tried so hard to remember something anything, but there's nothing there. I mean, I'm attracted to him, but... I'm certainly not head over heels in love with him.
I know I hurt him by ending things with him, but wouldn't it hurt him more for me to stay with him when I don't feel the way I used to and I don't know if I ever will again?
I know I'm hurting Brooke too. I guess in the last few months we've become close, but now she's a stranger to me. At least Lucas I've known all my life, but Brooke... I can't remember ever meeting her.
Or her brother. But, at least Tyler doesn't expect anything of me. He doesn't expect me to remember and isn't hurt when I don't. He's just being supportive, yet I know he's attracted to me and he's certainly cute enough.
But I couldn't imagine anything ever happening there. Certainly not now. Not when my life is so confused.
Not when the only person I can imagine being with is Julian
I've had a small crush on Julain for as long as I can remember.
It's almost ironic that appears that just as he was about to ask me out, I fell for someone else. Even though I can't remember, I think I know how it happened.
Lucas is so... So everything.
I guess I was flattered when he asked me out and a little dazzled, and I didn't know that Julian would ever ask me out, so, of course I said yes. And then, I guess, I fell for him.
But maybe I shouldn't have, it certainly would have been simpler if I hadn't.
But I can't change the past, especially since I can't remember it.
I just have to deal and hope that someday, I'll remember.
As Confused as Ever,
Peyton