Author's Note: Hey guys! I know my updates have been a little slower than usual, but I appreciate your patience! This chapter was a little bit of a struggle for me as I'm still trying to figure out how to get where I'm trying to go. I hope you like it! And I know I haven't been keeping up with responding to reviews either, but I want to you know that I read and love each and every review! It definitely keeps me motivation to keep up with all my stories! Thank you for all your support!

Chapter Twenty-One

You could almost literally hear a pin drop inside of Steve's apartment. Nobody had ever seen a reaction like that from Soda before, even since he returned home. They were all very familiar with the happy-go-lucky brother that left for Vietnam four years ago. And they had since become familiar with the post-Vietnamese prison camp Soda who was timid and depressed. This angry side was new.

"Way to go," Pony mumbled moodily as Steve walked back in, leaving the door open behind him as if hoping Soda would change his mind and come back.

Steve glared at him. "Why would you even bring him here right now?" he snapped.

"He wouldn't stay home," Darry said. All of the anger had drained out of his voice and he suddenly sounded tired. He rubbed his eyes. He was twenty-six years old now. He still looked older than he was though. He had grey streaks in his sideburns and wrinkles under his eyes. The years had not been kind to him.

"You coulda made him stay home," Steve insisted.

"Oh sure, we coulda locked him up," Pony spat, sarcasm dripping from every word. "I'm sure that woulda gone over real well."

"Shut your mouth," Steve growled, a dangerous look in his eye.

But Pony didn't care. "What's the matter, you don't want him to see how you've dealt with everything since coming back?"

Steve was on him faster than he had ever seen him move before. He had him by the collar and shoved him against the wall behind him so hard it knocked the wind out of him.

"What would you know about it?" he demanded loudly, flecks of spit hitting Pony in the face.

"Hey, I went through it too!" Pony shouted back, unfazed. "It hurt all of us when Soda didn't come home! You're the only one who ended up in the hospital because he almost drank himself to death!"

Steve slammed Pony up against the wall again. Hard. "No, you have no idea! You have no idea what it's like to fight for your life in some stupid man's war every single day for a year and then come back to find out that your best friend never came home! It's different! You have no idea what that's like!"

"Steve, let him go," Darry said firmly. He had come up behind Steve and grabbed his shoulder, trying to pull him off of Pony but since returning from the war even Darry had trouble making Steve budge when he didn't want to move. And despite all his drinking he had somehow managed to stay in shape even after all these years.

Everything went still as Steve and Pony locked eyes, each glaring at the other. Pony could feel Steve's grip tightening, and he braced himself fully expecting to get punched in the face. But the blow did not come. After a very long and tense minute Steve roughly shoved Pony away from him. Pony stumbled but managed to catch himself. Steve stomped away as everyone watched him. He paused on the other side of the room, his fists tightening. Then very suddenly he lashed out with a cry of frustration, violently knocking the small television off of the stand and sending it shattering across the floor. In the silence that followed they could hear Steve's downstairs neighbor banging on their ceiling and shouted at them to keep it down.

"Well, I guess we won't be watchin' cartoons in an attempt to ease the tension," Two-Bit finally said slowly. Nobody laughed. There was no humor in his voice anyway.

There was a tense silence following the outburst. Darry looked over at Pony with concern.

"You okay, Pony?" he asked.

"Oh, lay off Darry," Steve snapped before Pony could answer. "He ain't a little kid anymore."

Pony rolled his eyes. "I'm fine," he said shortly. He pushed himself away from the wall and headed for the door. He didn't want to be here anymore. "I'm gonna go see where Soda went." And with that he stormed out of the apartment, closing the door hard behind him.

As Pony made his way down the hallway he was keenly aware that he was craving a smoke. He had done well his first couple days after he told Soda he was going to quit smoking with him. It wasn't until Daniels' visit the day before that he had lapsed for the first time. Not only on the porch with Steve and Two-Bit but then again later that night when he couldn't sleep. Then again when he did finally fall asleep and was woken by violent nightmares about Vietnamese prison camps. And after a crappy night's sleep he had caved again that morning. He hadn't really realized how difficult quitting would be. He had never considered it before.

Outside he found the day to be bright and sunny. It was an odd contrast to the dismal feeling from inside of Steve's apartment. It was the first really warm day as spring was finally upon them. Pony glared at the brightness around the run down apartment complex. It was like the whole world was mocking their misery.

Pony walked through the parking lot, looking for signs of Soda. For a few minutes the place looked deserted and Pony couldn't help but feel nervous, remembering the last time Soda had wandered off by himself. Pony headed for the truck. He was relieved when he walked around and found Soda leaning up against the far side of the truck.

"There you are," Pony said. Soda turned to him. Pony frowned. There was a smoking cigarette hanging from between his lips. Pony hesitated for a moment, having an internal debate. He knew he was being hypocritical but he just couldn't stop himself from saying something. "Soda, you're not supposed—"

"Don't you dare say it," Soda cut him off, his eyes wandering away again. His voice wasn't angry though; it was flat and tired. Like he had used up all his energy.

Pony sighed. He moved to lean up against the door of the truck next to Soda. He shoved his hands in his pockets. "Where did you get that?" he asked carefully.

Soda jerked his head back toward the truck. "Glove compartment."

Pony only nodded. It made sense. He used to keep stashes of cigarettes everywhere so he wouldn't be without them. Soda must have known this from back before he had left. Pony had been doing this since he was thirteen years old. As much as Pony didn't like Soda smoking, it was comforting to see that he could still remember things like that. Their life as it was before Soda was drafted seemed so long ago that sometimes it seemed like a half-remembered dream. It was sometimes hard to remember that once upon a time they were a happy and whole family.

Pony wanted so badly to climb into the truck and grab a cigarette for himself, especially as the scent was so strong. But he didn't. He really wanted Soda to think that he had quit, even if he wasn't strong enough to for real. He took a deep breath, turning his head away from the smoke slightly.

They were both quiet. Pony wasn't sure what he could say to Soda right now. There was no way to make this any better. None that Pony could see anyway. Steve had messed up. There was no way around that.

"Was he like that a lot?" Soda suddenly asked after almost ten minutes of complete silence.

Pony glanced at him. He paused, contemplating how to word his answer. "He's been real unpredictable since he came back from Vietnam," he finally said slowly. He looked down at the ground, kicked at some pebbles that weren't there.

Soda took the cigarette butt from his mouth and threw is across the parking lot with a bit of force and a grunt of frustration. Pony watched him wearily, not really sure what to expect from him. He suddenly spun around and angrily kicked at the tire of the truck. There wasn't much force behind the act but even so Soda stumbled backwards, completely thrown off his balance. Pony was quick to get to him and was able to grab his shoulders and keep him from falling. He still felt terribly frail under Pony's grasp. It was a painful reminder of everything Daniels had told them about what Soda had been through.

The moment passed quickly as Soda shrugged out of his grasp and Pony stepped back to give him space. Soda took a few steps away from him, reaching out and grabbing onto the edge of the truck bed for support. Pony tried to lie to himself, telling himself that it didn't hurt that Soda didn't want his support. But he didn't believe himself.

"Guys?" Pony turned to see that Darry had finally emerged from the building. He was alone. As he approached he looked between Pony and Soda unsurely. "Everythin' okay?"

Pony looked at him and gave him a halfhearted shrug, unsure what he could say. Soda had his back to them as he held onto the truck and for a moment it looked like he hadn't heard Darry approach. Then he coughed. He paused and coughed again, hard. Darry looked at him with concern and stepped closer to him.

"Soda?" Darry said slowly.

"M'fine," Soda mumbled without looking at him.

Darry took another small step closer to him. Pony braced himself, knowing that it was going to hit him at any second. There was no way Darry was going to miss it. Pony could see it in his eyes the moment that he finally realized what was going on. He could smell it. He could smell the cigarette smoke. Then he shot Pony The Look. It was a look that only a parent figure could accomplish, the one that shot guilt right through you. It didn't matter if you did anything wrong or not, that look always made you feel like you had done something wrong. Pony swallowed, not entirely sure that Darry was wrong.

While Soda still had his back turned, Darry made a small gesture toward him while sending Pony a questioning look. That's when Pony realized that he couldn't tell who the smell was coming from. He wanted to know if it had been Soda that had been smoking. Pony hesitated, feeling conflicted. Should he cover for Soda?

Pony took a deep breath and then very slowly nodded his head, confirming Darry's suspicions that it had been Soda who had been smoking out here. He felt like Soda's health was just too important to lie about as he pictured him lying in that hospital bed. He immediately regretted the action though as he could almost see the thought process going on in Darry's head.

Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it, Pony thought hard as if he could somehow communicate with Darry without actually speaking up. But Darry had already turned away from him and was focused on Soda. They had never had that kind of connection anyway Pony realized as he sighed lightly to himself in defeat.

"Soda," Darry said sternly. "You know you're not supposed to be smokin'. The doctor said that's real bad for your health right now after… after what you've been through."

Soda finally turned to look at him. He glanced over at Pony and glared a bit. "Yeah well Pony wasn't supposed to be smoking either."

Pony felt his stomach drop like a cold stone as the statement hit him hard. He knew. How long had he known? Since yesterday? Or maybe just since this morning at breakfast? Pony had tried his best to cover up the smell with deodorant and even some of Darry's old cologne. Darry had seen right through his attempts to cover up the smell that morning, but Pony had hoped that Soda at least hadn't been paying enough attention to notice. He did seem pretty lost in his own head a lot of the time. Apparently Pony had taken for granted just how much Soda really did notice.

He caught Darry's eye for a split second and could just see the hint of an "I told you so" look. He had lectured him this morning about breaking his promise to Soda. Pony hadn't been too concerned at the time, convinced that Soda wouldn't find out. Now he realized that he had only really believed that because it made himself feel better.

"I'm real sorry, Soda," Pony said quietly. He tried to meet Soda's eyes hoping that he'd see how sincere he was, but he wouldn't look at him. "I really didn't mean to break my promise. It was just… really overwhelmin' hearin' everything Daniels had to say yesterday."

The moment the words left his mouth he knew that it was the wrong thing to say. He desperately wanted to reach out and pull the words back but it was too late. Soda finally looked at him and what Pony saw in his eyes was deeply disturbing. All the anger was gone and in its place was a deep sadness that Pony couldn't even begin to comprehend. And more than that he looked hurt and betrayed. Pony opened his mouth to say something to make everything better, but quickly realized that he didn't have any words to fix this. He sent Darry a pleading look but he looked just as much at a loss as Pony felt.

Finally Soda shook his head lightly, turning away from the two of them. "Let's just go home," he murmured. He reached up and pulled the door to the truck open and carefully climbed up.

Darry sighed and started around the truck but Pony hesitated. "You guys go ahead," Pony said suddenly. Darry paused and looked at him curiously. Soda was staring at the dashboard and hadn't appeared to have heard him. "I'll catch up with you later."

"Where are you goin'?" Darry asked. Pony glanced back at the apartment complex and Darry immediately got his meaning, though he didn't look happy about it. "Ponyboy, I don't think that's such a good idea."

"I'll be fine," Pony insisted. "Two-Bit's still up there, ain't he?"

"Yeah, but—"

"I'll be home in a little bit," Pony cut Darry off before he could finish. He turned and headed back toward the building.

Pony quickly retraced his steps back to the building as he heard Darry's truck start up and pull out of the parking lot. Just a few minutes later he was back at the door that just twenty minutes ago he had fled through, unable to stand being there any longer. And now he was running back to it, looking for sanctuary.

Pony didn't bother knocking; he just pushed the door open. Inside Two-Bit was sitting on the couch while Steve paced in front of him. They had been talking but when Pony opened the door the conversation cut off as they both turned to him.

"What do you want?" Steve demanded. Then his features soften just slightly as something seemed to dawn on him. "Is Soda okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine," Pony assured him as he closed the door behind him. He knew they were all using the word fine very loosely these days when it came to Soda. Really all it meant was he was physically still in one piece. "Darry took him home."

With that assurance Steve glared at him once again. "So then what are you doin' here?"

"I'm… sorry?" Pony said slowly, a little unsurely.

Steve looked truly taken aback by this statement. It took him several long seconds to figure out what to say. "What?"

Pony sighed heavily as he walked more fully into the room. "I was out of line before," he said. The statement was met by silence as Steve didn't seem to know how to respond to this either. Pony went on. "Soda was outside smokin' just now."

"What?" Two-Bit spoke up in surprise.

"Yeah," Pony confirmed flatly.

"Damnit!" Steve spat as he kicked at the couch.

Pony looked over at him and could clearly see the guilt in his features. He thought he had caused this. But Pony couldn't let him take all the credit. Feeling heavy he made his way around the couch and sat beside Two-Bit, trying not to lean too much toward the broken end. "I messed up," he said grimly.

"What do you mean?" Two-Bit asked, though he seemed distracted as he was still watching Steve carefully.

"Soda knew that I had been smokin'," Pony explained, looking down at his hands and feeling ashamed of himself.

This got Two-Bit's attention as he turned to him. "How'd he know?"

"I didn't just smoke last night with you guys," Pony admitted, still staring down at his hands intently. "I woke up late last night from a nightmare and smoked again. And then had another cigarette this mornin'. He could probably smell it on me at breakfast." There was silence following this. Pony sighed. He couldn't stand the silence so he went on. "I guess since I didn't keep my promise Soda figured he didn't have to keep his."

There was another pause. It was Two-Bit who broke it this time. "You had a nightmare last night?" Pony only nodded. "You haven't had one of those in a while, have you?"

"No, I guess I haven't," Pony confirmed. He had a few nightmares just after Soda had left for boot camp but they got better when they started receiving letters from Soda. He had more nightmares after they got the letter that he was missing in action. But eventually they had tapered off as the years went on the hope started to fade. "This one was different though."

"How?" Two-Bit asked curiously.

"I… remember it," Pony said slowly. He hadn't even told Darry this. When he had told Darry that he had a nightmare Darry had seemed to simply assume that it was one of the ones that he never remembered. Pony hadn't bothered to correct him because he didn't want to be questioned on it. But now as he thought back to the hurt and betrayal he had seen in Soda's eyes he was desperate for some way to justify what he had done.

At this point Pony had even Steve's undivided attention. "Was it about what Daniels told us yesterday?" he asked slowly.

Pony finally looked up at him. When he met his eyes he was surprised not to find any anger or accusation in them. Instead there was a vague hint of understanding. Very slowly Pony nodded. "Yes," he confirmed quietly, his voice shaking slightly with emotion. He could vividly remember his nightmare from the night before, helplessly watching his brother being brutally tortured by Vietnamese soldiers. Just thinking about it made him feel sick all over again.

Steve sighed. He suddenly looked much older, almost as old as Darry. Pony watched him closely as he made his way over to them and carefully perched on the rickety coffee table in front of the couch. He hunched over and rested his elbows on his knees, letting his hands hang between them.

"I always thought that fightin' over there was hell on earth," Steve finally said gruffly. "I always thought that was as bad as it could get. It was only yesterday that I finally realized just how much worse it could get."

Pony looked over at him sympathetically. "I'm sorry I came down so hard on you earlier," he said. "Guess we all have our own ways of copin' with all this." In his heart Pony knew there had been another reason that Pony had come down so hard on Steve before. It was because that he knew that he had messed up too and he was afraid that Soda would find out, not even aware that Soda had already known yet. His anger had not only been toward Steve but toward himself too.

Steve only shrugged in response. He leaned back on his hands and sighed deeply, his eyes staring off to some faraway place. Before he left for war Steve had never been the kind of person who would get lost in his own head. He had always been firmly planted in the here and now. That was something that had changed about him and sometimes made him seem like a whole different person.

"What're we gonna do?" Steve finally said, though he didn't appear to be posing the question to anyone in particular. "How are we supposed to help him cope with somethin' so horrific?" He stopped there but Pony knew that had only been half of his thought. He knew what he was really saying was how could they help Soda cope when they couldn't even cope themselves?

Pony leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes as if the question had caused him physical plan. "I don't know," he breathed.

Those words almost seemed to echo through the silent room. None of them knew what to do. None of them knew how to help Soda through this. There wasn't a Soc to track down and beat up; there wasn't a rumble they could call that would make any of this better. This was so much bigger than any of them. And none of them knew how to cope with it.