Chapter Eighteen:

my one step closer

"If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world."
― Mercedes Lackey

It's still not real. Ty's dead, and I'm pregnant. Those are two things I would never had expected. No matter how difficult life was for Tyler, and no matter how much worse he was getting, I never imagined he'd die. I never imagined myself getting raped, or better yet getting pregnant with my rapist's baby. I guess that's just life goes. It throws misfortune at us, and maybe it's hoping that at the end of the day we're better people and we're stronger. But no one tells you how long it takes to feel that way. Days, Weeks, Months, Years, Centuries, how long? When will I smile again? When will I finally be happy?

I think now that I know I'm pregnant, I can see the tiny bump that was always there. This is why I thought I was fat, and this why I was always hungrier than usual. I was eating for two people.

I wonder if it's a girl or boy. I wonder if they can sense when I'm going through a hard time. I hope they don't hate me. I hope they're okay. I wasn't taking care of myself like I should've, and that could have hurt them permanently.

If only I hadn't gone to that party. I swear to God if I could go back and change myself from going, I'd give anything just to. If only this, if only that. I hope this, I hope that. You know what they say about hope. It breeds eternal misery.

What's the point of looking back, and wishing you had done something different? It's not going to change anything. It's not going to change me from being raped, or me from getting pregnant. It's not going to change me from hurting the people I love. All it does is make you miserable. You're already miserable enough as it is.

pregnant.

Those words ring in my ears. They're taunting me. I don't know what I'm going to do with this baby. How will people react? I could never abort it. I could never raise it, and have to be reminded of this thing I'm trying so very hard to forget.

"But it's still your baby Rina." Cat said, sitting on my window seat. "Whatever you do, they're still going to be yours."

She had her hair down, and natural. Hadn't seen that in a long time.

"It's too hard Cat." I whined. " I just want to forget."

"Forget about what? How far you've come?" Cat asked, sarcastically. " You need bad memories Rina. They make you who you are."

"I DON'T WANT RAPE TO BE WHO I AM!" I whisper screamed.

"Its not! Victim of rape who beat the odds and is moving on and making a better life for herself is who you are Rina!" Cat responded. " You promised me you'd do what was right!"

"I didn't promise you anything." I shot back, acidly.

::

"Caterina good news!" my mom said happily, as she sat down next to me on the couch. "I went to your school, and told Lane to taste a special hot chocolate I was making him as a thankyou gift for being such an "amazing" guidance counselor to you. Now we have his prints on the cup, and his DNA in the hot cocoa!"

Relief washed over me. This could really work. He could finally get what he deserves.

"Regina wants the cup, and the thing he used to sodomize you down at the station at once." she said.

"I can't believe this is finally happening mom." I said, joy rising inside of me. I crushed my mom with a hug.

::

"It's a match!" Regina said, walking into the questioning room. "We're gonna arrest him now, and then court."

"I'll have to speak won't I?" I said, fear crawling back into me. " In front of him."

"Rina I know it'll be hard, but you have to. In order for there to be justice, the judge and jury need to hear the truth from you."

I understood. I'd have to do, and so would Erin.

"We got a warrant to search his house, and when we did, turns out Lane likes to videotape his hobbies."

"He video taped his acts of rape?" my mom asked, gasping.

"Yes he did. We found Erin in one of the videos." Regina said.

Oh my God. He was sicker then I gave him credit for.

When will he be arrested?" I asked nervously.

That means people would find out. They'd start to talk about me. More than usual. Maybe call me a slut, ha, wait till they find out I'm pregnant. I'll be the biggest joke.

"I sent some officers down to Hollywood Arts just now. He'll be arrested any second now." Regina responded. "We'll keep a cop car outside your house, in case of any disturbances."

I nodded slowly.

::

The phone was ringing more than I'd ever heard it ring in my whole life. There was an actual news van outside right now. Was this for real? I guess the idea of a guidance counselor raping a student is alot more shocking than I made it out to be.

"GET OUT OF MY WAY! GODDAMMIT! I WILL CUT YOU!" I heard a familiar voice yell outside. It was Jade.

A heard a knock on my door, and opened it to millions of flashes, and words, but Jade shoved me in before I could comprehend.

"Jesus Christ. They need to get a life." Jade said, trying to catch her breath. "How you holding up?"

"It's overwhelming." I replied looking her in the eyes. "What happened at school?"

"it was a big scene. We were all siting at our usual table and Lane was speaking to one of those blonde bitches. Then the cops came and handcuffed him and they were like "Lane Alexander you are under arrest for the rape of Caterina Valentine and Erin Shappiro. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Blah blah blah." Jade explained. "Everyone was shocked, and upset. Some where crying. I don't think I've ever seen that blonde bitch so upset before."

Crying? People cared?

"Wait they were sad?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"Yes they were sad. They understand now why you were the way you were."

Oh my God. They cared about me. They never hated me, they were just worried about me, and scared for me.

"It's going to be okay little valentine." Jade said, smiling softly. "You're going to be just fine."

I looked down sadly. I didn't know about just fine.

"I won't though."

Jade's face showed questioning.

I placed my hand onto my bump, bringing my shirt up to show her.

"You're pregnant?!" Jade whisper screamed. "Is it his?!"

"Who else's would it be Jade!?" I replied. " I don't know what to do for myself anymore."

"Do what's right for the baby Rina, not you." Jade advised.

"She can say that again." Cat said, leaning against the wall.

"But what's right Jade? I don't know what's right. I don't want to wake up everyday and see his face in my baby's face." I cried.

"Don't look at it that way. Look at it as a symbol of your recovery. You survived one of the most traumatizing things anyone could go through, and you received a beautiful baby girl or boy as well." Jade said, looking into my eyes with deep sympathy.

"Maybe you're right." I agreed, smiling softly. "From something ugly and terrifying, came something beautiful and warming."

I hugged Jade with all my might after that. "You can't tell anyone though. Not yet."

"Rina you ne-"

"Jade I know. I know. And I'm gonna. I just need some time to collect my thoughts. Can you respect that?" I asked her.

She nodded.

"Thankyou." I said, smiling. "For always being there for me when I wasn't there for you."

"Aww you're welcome little Valentine, I love you so much. You're my best friend and I'll always be there. Always."

I smiled big for the first time in a long time. "I love you too Jadey."

Sorry it took so long! Personal Problems. I really enjoyed writing this chapter, I hope you enjoy reading it! 11,000 views! I love you guys so much, thanks for everything! There are only a few chapters left. :( Thankyou guys for always being there, you don't know how much it means to me. I can't wait to get started on the sequel.

I love you guys to the moon and back.

- Rya Quinn

ps People who review are awesome