Chapter 21: Sweet Sentiments

Mark tried to hold Derek still while Meredith pulled more Valium," He's having a panic attack, no time for a central line."

"Fifty mils should calm him down," Meredith checked the dosage and pulled the blanket back," Derek, if you can hear me I'm giving you Diazepam."

"Merrrdithh!" his muscles stopped their spasms and his breathing slowed," Merrr..." his hand fumbled the sheets next to him.

"Right here, Derek," she put her hand in his and sat on the bed beside him," You should sleep now," she knew he wasn't coherent, he rarely had been during his panic attacks. This was a facade to keep his mother from knowing how mentally disturbed this attack had left him, she kissed his cheek as his eyes rolled and drifted shut.

"Is he okay?" Ms. Shepherd reached her hand out hesitant to touch him.

"The medications we have him on sometimes trigger panic attacks if there's a lot of stimulation around him," Meredith put an arm around her," It's just that in order to control his pain we've kept him sedated and when he's semi-conscious like this it's hard to tell the difference between reality and flashbacks."

"How bad is it?"

"It's not good," Mark lowered his eyes," he has multiple surgeries scheduled to repair the damages and even then his quality of life could never be the same again."

"You can hold his hand," Meredith lead Ms. Shepherd to the bedside.

"I'm afraid to touch him now," a tear slid down her cheek," he hasn't looked like this since..."

"Since dad died..." Nancy had her arms crossed in the corner of the room, but looked dejectedly at the floor as if she was trying to escape the scene in her own way.

"It's okay, he'll be asleep for about an hour or so," Meredith put Derek's hand in his mother's and smiled at her," He's not hurting," she offered.

"Who did this to him?"

"The husband of one of his patients," Meredith spent the next forty-five minutes explaining the backstory of how Clark's wife had died in recovery and how Derek had been attacked at the gas station following the 'trial' with the medical examiners.

"So there's a chance he could die?" Carolyn Shepherd's voice broke and a sob escaped her lips," Why would he hurt my son?"

"We're doing everything we can for him, he felt well enough for a quick shower today," Meredith usually wasn't good at the whole comfort and hug thing, but she couldn't stand seeing his mother cry," and he's conscious more often now," the two embraced and let the tears flow.

"Did they catch him?" Carolyn's voice shook.

"Not yet," Meredith sighed," he was worried about you all coming here because..."

"Don't try and lie for him," Nancy clenched her fist at her side," he ignored us, didn't visit for holidays or even return our phone calls because of you. The only reason we found out that he was even hurt was because Addison decided to..."

"Wait one second, how do you think I felt, huh?" Meredith stood," I walked into an OR, a place where I feel at home and where I have to work, to find Derek on the table," her face burned hot with anger," How dare you!"

"Let me guess, he didn't ask for us when he woke up?" Nancy crossed her arms again and turned her nose to the ceiling.

"Let's all calm down," Ms. Shepherd ran her hands through her hair," looks like he's about to wake up."

Meredith put a hand on his cheek," Derek?"

Derek's eyes fluttered," Merrrrr...?"

"Yeah, you feeling okay?" Meredith brushed her hand over his forehead.

"Hurtsh," his breath came fast.

"I'll put in a new central line and get you comfortable," Meredith snapped on gloves and grabbed an IV kit off the shelf," Sorry, I was a bit distracted," she glared in Nancy's direction.

"I think it'd be better if we got some privacy," Mark took Nancy by the arm and motioned for Carolyn to follow.

"Visiting hours end in a short while," Nancy snapped.

"Since this is a private wing, you can visit when he's feeling well enough to have visitors as long as it doesn't interfere with his recovery," Mark held out his hand to Nancy.

"I flew all the way from..."

"I'm afraid I have to insist," Mark raised his eyebrow.

"Nancy," Carolyn started," I'm sure Amelia has gotten here by now, let's go meet her."

"Little stick," Meredith scratched the skin's surface to overstimulate. The needle slid into his arm without resistance, he winced only slightly as she taped it in place," I'll start you on a loading dose of Morphine and some more Diazepam until we can get another PCA pump."

"Okay," Derek felt lightheaded like he was passing out while still conscious, his head fell to one side and every breath felt like he was breathing in nitrous oxide," Feel...high..."

"Hmmm?" Meredith hung Lactated Ringers on the IV pole and was hooking the port to the cannula.

"Too...much...air..." his hand moved to his chest and clutched at the shirt covering it.

"You had a panic attack," Meredith sat next to him," feelings of euphoria or severe anxiety afterwards are normal," he stared at her blankly," I know you know that, but experiencing it is different than reading about it."

"I got his meds, why don't you help him recover from that family get-together?" Mark had closed the door behind the Shepherds and was now at the med cart.

"Thanks," Meredith sat on the bed and ran her fingers through his hair," Frizzy hair won't do you know," she smiled," Just because you got hurt doesn't mean you get to look like it."

"Hehe...hhhssssstttt," he allowed himself a shallow chuckle before remembering the drugs wouldn't kick in for another hour.

"Sorry," she kissed his nose," I'm not used to this fragile Derek yet."

"I'm not used to the pain yet," he gazed into her eyes as he felt the IV move slightly, he leaned his head back as Mark pushed the drugs," I don't want to leave yet."

"It's okay," Meredith thought her heart would break," If you go to sleep you know I'll be here when you wake up."

"My mother hovers," he tried to get comfortable and succeeded in becoming the exact opposite.

"She's just concerned," Meredith offered.

"I want them gone, Mer," he licked his lips," Before these drugs force sleep on me again," he rolled his eyes," I'm lucid, he picked up his left arm and winced," See? I felt that."

"Derek..."

"Mer, I want them gone," he stared at the ceiling," I didn't want them to see me like this," the pain began to dull to a tolerable level," I don't want them to see me...weak."

"You're hardly weak..."

"Since dad died," his eyes blurred with tears," I..." he cleared his throat," I took care of things. I made sure Amelia got to school and Nancy did her homework, I cooked dinner when Mom was so distraught she was a zombie because of the tranquilizers, I..."

"Held it together so they didn't have to," Mark sat on the other side of his bed," Derek, I'll admit I'm not the happiest about their being here; but they needed to see you for them, not you," he paused to let the words sink in," They needed to make sure you were all right."

"I'm not all right..." he hung his head," I can't...I can't let them see...I heard the conversation."

"You did? I may have been a bit harsh..." Meredith started.

"She's right," he saw confusion on her face," I skipped holidays and never called and..."

"She doesn't have the right to be ugly to you though, Derek. Sure I understand, I'm sure my mother didn't want anyone seeing her the way she was either," Meredith lowered the head of the bed and cradled him in her arms," I didn't mean for them to come in when they did."

"It's not your fault."

"I won't let them in without your permission," Mark put a hand on top of Derek's reassuringly," If you don't want to see them you don't have to."

"It's jushhht ssshhhho much to deal with," the drugs were hitting hard.

"You've been through a lot; and you have a surgery coming up, if you consent, to continue the repairs on your knee."

"I will."

Meredith stroked his hair," I know you will; but this isn't going to be easy for you."

"In case you haven't noticed we're not going anywhere," Mark patted his hand," All bullshit aside, you're like the brother I never had and I'm not about to just up and leave."

"Thankshh," he blinked his eyes a few times to try and stay awake.

"Don't fight the drugs," a familiar smirk played on Mark's lips," They'll win like a dominatrix at a slumber party, you know."

"I'll dream."

"And it'll be of what we're going to do once you're well again," Meredith kissed his hair.

"If," Meredith felt his back tense," if I..."

"We can't let them do this to him," Meredith spoke softly once she was sure he was asleep.

"He was fine before they came, hell he got up for the first time in two weeks and his body was able to tolerate a shower!" Mark rubbed the back of his neck," The second they arrive and he relapses and we're sedating him again."

"He's just too vulnerable right now," she sighed," he was so embarrassed I almost didn't want to look at him, I still haven't gotten to shave off the beard he's been sporting."

"Too much stimulation and not enough rest," Mark agreed," So what do we do? We can't lock them out of his room."

"Unless we move him back to the Intensive Care Unit and enforce visiting hours," their gaze met and confident smiles crossed their faces.

"Intensive Care Unit?"

"He's having surgery in a few days and we need him to get as much rest as he can, I'm sorry but his condition has changed and visitors is not healthy for him," Meredith explained in a calm and collected voice when what she wanted to do was rip Nancy's head off.

"Where's my brother?" Amelia was racing down the hallway in jeans and a t-shirt.

"Amelia, come with me," Mark took her by the arm," I'll explain."

"I'm sorry, when he starts feeling up to it I can allow visitors but for now he's at a critical stage. He needs to rest up for surgery."

"So you're operating on someone whose vitals are unstable and suffers from high blood pressure and multiple unpredictable panic attacks? How intelligent."

Meredith's fist clenched at her side and she felt her face flush hot with anger, Mark pushed past her and interjected before the situation could escalate," This is what we think is best for him and the panic attacks are controllable with reduced stressors and stimuli," Nancy started to open her mouth," We are his doctors and have been monitoring his condition for the past two weeks and would appreciate it if you'd respect our opinions, this however is not mandatory and we need no consent so unless you're bleeding I need to get back to him."

"Wait til Mom hears this!" Nancy's features distorted and it was her turn to flush with anger.

Meredith was taken aback and numbly grabbed onto Amelia's arm and lead her to Derek's room as Nancy stormed off," I can make an exception for you, you see I actually like you and you don't make him want to pull his sutures out."

"What's happened?" Amelia whispered as the door to Derek's room closed behind her.

"Don't worry about waking him," Meredith secured the blanket around Derek's shoulders," he's sedated, the PCA pump lets him control the Morphine dosage and obviously he was hurting."

"Morphine?" Amelia covered her mouth with her hand," How bad is he hurt?"

"I didn't want to make it sound too bad over the phone, but Derek's not doing so well," the door opened and Mark stepped in behind her.

"Oh my God..." a tear slid down her cheek," Derek?" her legs buckled beneath her and Mark caught her as she collapsed.

"Well at least he's stable now," Meredith tried to offer some comfort.

"D-Derek..." Amelia's hands shook as she let Mark lead her to the bed.

"Amy, he's okay," Mark turned her into him and patted her back.

"No!" she cried," No he's not okay, I'm not my mother or Nancy, Mark! I'm a doctor, I haven't seen his chart but I don't have to to know how seriously *messed up* he is!" she beat a fist against his chest as she cried," Don't tell me he's okay!"

"Amelia, I can only imagine what this must be like for you," Meredith put a hand on her shoulder," With all the tubes and equipment and..."

"Amy...?" a faint whisper passed Derek's lips.

"Derek!" she gripped the bedrail until her knuckles turned white to keep herself from touching him.

"Don't cry," he licked his lips and blinked his eyes to try and shake sleep away," I..." he picked up his head a bit to see her better," I really am...okay," the drugs drained his strength and his head resigned itself to the pillow again.

"Okay, I won't...I won't cry," she dried her eyes," I always cried on you," she sniffled," It's just...you're the only person I could relate to after...after..." her voice broke and tears flowed again," I'm sorry, I..."

"Amy," Derek fought the drugs and tried to work his hand from beneath the blanket," I didn't want you here until," he swallowed and winced," until I was better."

"Derek, you were there!" she didn't bother drying her eyes," You were there for me when dad died and no one else understood, you never made fun of me for crying or sneaking into your room to have someone near me that understood!"

"I wanted you here," he managed to work his hand free and held it open for her.

"No! My point was, you've seen me at my worst. You were the shoulder I ran to cry on, you were the brother I could always count on to listen and be there and I thought that if you ever needed anything I'd be there and I wasn't," she put her hand in his and held it close to her.

"Amy, I was the strong one, I didn't want you seeing me break," he squeezed her hand," I wanted to stay that way, I knew what it would do to you if you saw me like this," he tried to reposition to get some sort of comfort.

"You know someday you have to stop trying to protect me," she sniffled and wiped her eyes.

"We were in the back of the store, Dad had just given you two pennies. You always hid them behind the counter in this big crack in the floorboards," he smiled on the memory," he said you were saving them so you could buy a town."

"Hehe, I remember," she pushed her hair behind her ear.

"And then the two guys came in, we could hear them talking but you weren't paying attention until Dad yelled and you looked up," he closed his eyes," they had already pulled a gun they had already taken the money, and now they wanted the watch that Mom gave him," he sighed and his eyes teared," and he wouldn't give it up," he shook his head slightly," there was a gunshot, you lunged forward."

"I remember, I was trying to get to him," she laughed nervously," but I couldn't move."

"It's because I was holding you so tight that you couldn't budge," the two exchanged a look of understanding and raw emotion filled Amelia's eyes," I put one hand over your mouth so you wouldn't scream, I put the other one around you and just held on for dear life. I prayed to God that you'd be quiet and wouldn't say anything, you were so little..." a tear slid down his cheek," I think that's what I've wanted all these years is for you to stay...little and quiet and safe," he took in a deep shaky breath," So no, I didn't want you here seeing me like I saw you. I didn't want your image of me tarnished, for you to see me broken and quiet and weak."

"Derek, you survived," she pulled a tissue from the box on the bedside table and dried his eyes," I could never see you as weak."

"I've never talked to anyone about what happened that night," he struggled to sit up," I knew if you saw me break," he grunted slightly with effort, Mark went to the other side of the bed and put a hand beneath his back to support him," you'd break too."

Amelia put her arms around him and kissed his forehead," You taught me strength," she ran her fingers through his hair," isn't never showing how upset things make you, we cried for days solid. Strength is how you move on from that pain, and I've been okay."

"I love you," he lay back on the mattress and exhaustion took over," but I don't want you worrying or taking care of me, you'll spoil me," he laughed a bit.

"I'll take care of Mom, Nancy and Addison then," she brushed his cheek with her hand," But if you need something you'd better damned well call or text or have Meredith come get me," she dried her eyes and blew her nose.

"Promise," he smiled.

"I'll be back when you feel more yourself?" she winked at him.

"I'll be waiting on you," he tried to wink back and found coordination failed him," You know I'm high as a kite right now, huh?" he chuckled and motioned to the PCA pump next to his hand on the other side of the bed.

"You don't talk about Dad unless you're drunk or stoned," Amelia picked up her purse," I'll respect that you don't want people seeing you when you're not yourself, but on your good days..."

"You'll be the firssshhhht perssshhhon I call," the Morphine began taking over his speech," Sheeya," smile still on his lips, his eyes drifted closed.

"Thank you," Amelia looked at Mark and then Meredith," for letting me see him."

"We'll let you sneak in here when we can, but it's only because you don't stress him out," Meredith put a hand on her shoulder," I know you see him as the big tough older brother but for now, he's scared and fragile and doesn't want you to see that side of him."

"Can I check in on him even if he's asleep just to see how he is?" she hugged Meredith," He doesn't have to know."

"No he doesn't," Meredith welcomed the embrace," as long as you keep the other sister at bay you can come by when you like, unless he's having a bad day we'll let you in."

"It's great to see you, Amy," Mark ruffled her hair a bit," Sorry about the fake snake in your room when we left for med school."

"That was you?" her smile turned playful as she and Mark giggled," I should kill you!"

"Go have lunch, Mark," Meredith shooed the two of them away," you deserve it."

"I'll be back before the pre-op exam."

"That's only a few hours away, huh?" Meredith checked her watch.

"Yeah Callie wants to talk about scheduling him for tomorrow if he looks good," he lead Amelia through the door and let it click shut behind them.

"So it wasn't just me you wouldn't let in..." Meredith pushed a lock of hair out of his eyes and smirked," I was hoping to shave you before you went lights out again."

"Sshhtill here..." he slurred," Shhhhorta anyway."

"You hurting again?" she rummaged through his duffel bag.

"Yeah," he stretched his neck a bit," that wasshh exting..."

"Hmmm? Oh you mean exhausting?" she smiled," I kinda like it when you're stoned," she rubbed noses with him," your sense of humor definitely improves."

"When I'm 'wake," his words seemed to meld together as if it was too much work for his tongue to differenciate between the syllables.

"Do you want me to get rid of that beard you're rockin'?" she set shaving cream and his razor on the table.

"Be nishhhe."

"'Kay," she ran hot water in the sink next to the bed," Because once I do you know I'll kiss you again," she teased.

"You depried me for too long," he giggled.

"Hold still, silly," she put a warm towel over his mouth," and shush or that'll fall," she poked at his nose playfully," if you move too much this could turn tragic real quick," she started spreading the shaving gel on his cheeks," So when you're conscious and not on so much Diazepam that you get a few lucid thoughts, you're a happy stoner," she put a dollop on his nose and smiled.

"No flassshhhbackssshhh," he sighed," you keep them 'way."

"I try," she turned his head to the side a bit," You know once the loading dose wears off the 'don't worry be happy attitude' might go with it," she took the razor out of the basin of water," Be still."

"I hope no..." her fingers on his jawline triggered a memory.

==FLASHBACK==

Cold steel on his throat, two of Clark's fingers on his jaw, and a syringe filled with who knows what aimed at his jugular. A million thoughts rushed through his mind,' Life flashing before my eyes,' if he hadn't been petrified he'd have found humor in his brain's attempt to block the situation. The blade sunk into his neck as he tried to move away as Clark made it very clear escape was impossible.

==END FLASHBACK==

Derek sat up and pushed Meredith's hand away, he gasped for air and grabbed at his neck trying to stimulate the area and reassure himself that there was no knife at his throat. His lungs burned as he gasped for air," Y-you don't...don't want to..."

"Derek, I'm sorry," Meredith jerked her hands back," Look, no one's touching you," she sat next to him," no one's hurting you, it's okay."

"Merrrdith..." his back arched and he reached a hand out.

"I'm here," she put her hand in his and held it tightly," Just breathe."

"K-knife..." he panted as his breath returned," he put a...knife to my throat..."

"Do you need to talk about it?" Meredith took his electric razor out of the duffel bag," I can use this instead," she held it up.

"'Kay," he blinked and shook his head slightly," I haven't been shcared...shince Dad..." he swallowed," I thought he was gonna..."

"You need me to do this another time?" Meredith ran her fingers through his hair to comfort him," It can wait."

"No," he turned towards her," fashe ishes."

"Okay, if you need me to stop let me know," she turned on the razor and started on his sideburns.

"All I could think about," sapphire blue eyes filled with raw emotion stared back at her," wasszzh I couldn't leave you."

"You know I hate bad breakups," she rinsed the razor and continued.

"I hurt him," he turned towards her to give her access to his other side," itssshhh why I'm 'live."

"Self-defense," she spread some lotion on his face to prevent razor rash," he attacked you."

"I became a doctor," he nuzzled into her touch," to help people. For the firsshht time I wanted to kill."

"If you had killed him you'd be justified."

"He hurt you," he put a hand on her belly," and threa..." he sniffed and fought back tears of rage," threatened our shild..."

"The police know you're innocent and they know who did this, he'll be caught soon," Meredith curled up beneath his uninjured arm and put her cheek against his," I said I wasn't leaving until he's caught, I haven't."

"Sshcared he'll do thish to you," he put his hand on her leg.

"No, Derek," she savored the smoothness of his skin," and you can't think about stuff like that," their lips met and he leaned into her kiss. Gentle at first and deepening within seconds, he seemed hungry for her and rubbed her leg," Easy," she pulled back as his breath quickened," don't push yourself too much, remember the drugs aren't permanent."

"Ish too bad," his breathing regulated.

"You know I have to put the equipment back on you," Meredith trailed a finger down his hairline.

"No y'don't," she drank in his smile like it was the gods' nectar.

"If I don't you'll get infected and feel worse," she unbuttoned his shirt," you're already a bit sniffly."

"They ishhh," he nosed her cheek," and I can't shleep 'cause they hurt."

"Sorry, but if I let you get bad again Mark's gonna kill me," she kissed his lips lightly and lingered for a moment before pulling back," I'll do it before those drugs wear off completely."

"'Tired..." he leaned into her to try and make her stay in bed.

"I'll be fast," it was painful to get away from him, but she managed to grab the rest of the equipment out of the pillowcase she'd put the fresh bandages in.

"How musshh 'm I on?" he lay his head back and reveled in pain-free relaxation for a change.

"A lot," Meredith smiled as she put on gloves," More than I was supposed to give you but obviously enough to get you stoned," she poked his nose.

"Why can't 'feel like thish all th'time?" he sighed," 'shides the sllurr I feel good."

"If I kept you on this high of a dose all the time your brain would eat itself in a matter of days and you'd turn into one of those college kids behind the school lighting one up before you performed surgery," she stuck the EKG leads on his chest and started on the surgical site they hadn't been able to fully close," When I pull this tape off it might hurt, I kept this one covered while you showered to keep it from getting too much air," she worked the edge of the tape up and started pulling it off," You okay?"

"Don' feel it," he breathed in and out slowly.

"Good," she tossed the dressing in the bedside biohazard can," then this is the perfect time to clean it."

"Can I shtay 'wake more now?" his eyes pleaded with her.

"If you don't hurt, you can stay awake," she finished with his side and moved to his chest," I won't let you hurt."

"Shtill hurts but I can take it for now," Meredith noticed his speech getting slightly better and guessed the drugs' loading dose was almost over.

"I can't give you more without overdosing you for another three hours," she taped gauze in place over a laceration," So don't sober up too much."

"You'll stay?" for once his features looked almost child-like, as if he was asking Mom to stay up and watch a scary movie he was too young for.

"I'll stay," she bagged the empty pouches and instruments," you know I won't leave, Derek."

AN: Lot of talking in this one, but I'm building up to something so stick with me :)