The Prison of My Mind

by Filhound

Years before ultimatums were given and choices made, the consequences of which still echo through time. Will the demons of the past return to haunt those involved, or will they remain buried in the past? EC eventually as always. My stories are known to have many twists, abandon at your peril. You will understand in time. This story begins in the past but goes to the present.

21. Chapter 21

Warning this chapter contains some sexual language in the part in between the stars… For those of you who enjoy reading such stuff this is a little treat for you, a small reward for your patience. For the rest of you, it is a very small portion of the chapter.

Chapter 21.

Christine and Erik looked at the ornate grandfather's clock, which had just struck eleven, long past the children's normal bedtimes of ten o'clock for Gustave, and nine for Meg respectively.

Erik turned to Christine with a glint of anticipation in his eyes, his seductively silken voice remarking, "Don't you think that it is past their bedtime, mon amor?"

Christine loved it when Erik used that exquisitely dulcet tone. She felt as if she could follow him to the ends of the earth. His was what convinced her that he truly was her angel of music when she was a child. To this day she was not entirely convinced otherwise. No mere mortal could have such a beautiful voice, but her husband did, and thus she was able to enjoy its beauty everyday. She knew why her children were so enthralled by his story telling technique, because she felt exactly the same way.

She met Erik's gaze with a smile and then replied almost smugly, "I think that you are right." She turned to their children and ordered, "You both have heard enough about us for this evening. It is definitely time for all of us to go to bed, so run along and get in your pajamas and if you would like we will tuck you in. Your father and I are very tired, we are not as young as you."

Meg complained, "But I want to know more. You can't stop right here. How about that we stay up just a little longer, I promise to go to bed without a fight but only if we can wait until midnight. I don't want you forget where you were in the story. I want to hear everything about what happened back then."

Erik replied smoothly, "I promise you that we will not forget, we will tell you more tomorrow." He quickly glanced at his wife and gave her a covert conspiratorial smile, "As a special treat, we will let the dogs sleep with you tonight one of them with each of you, and the cat as well."

Christine whispered under her breath, "You are a master manipulator even now."

Erik smiled, "That I am, mon amor," he whispered back, "but then again my goal is so advantageous for both of us."

Christine laughed, "You love turning matters to your own advantage don't you, ange?"

Erik lifted a sardonic eyebrow, "Of course I do, but are you complaining? Shall I stop?"

"No, of course not, not when I know that it works in my favor as well." Christine admitted with a smile.

Meg looked at both of her parents, "What are you whispering about? Hopefully it is about letting us hear more."

Gustave observed to his sister, "Hardly Meg, they are planning on doing what adults like to do alone. I can tell when they want to hug and kiss one another."

"Yuck!" Meg complained to her brother, "Do you have to be so graphic? I can't understand why anyone would want to be kissed on the mouth."

"Don't be so modest Meg. I know that you have started to think about boys yourself." Gustave teased, "In a couple of more years you won't mind being kissed either. In fact you will find it most pleasant. I know I do, and I used to hate girls."

"Eeew." She replied turning to her parents irately, "Would you please tell him to stop?"

Christine laughed, "See, it really is time for bed, just as we told you. But yes Gustave, your sister is right, it is highly inappropriate to bring up such matters."

Gustave replied defiantly, "Then stop looking at Father like you want to kiss him right in front of us."

Christine blushed, "I am not." She looked at her husband, "Am I?"

Erik laughed, "Gustave is right, you most definitely are doing so and I do not find it yucky at all." He turned back to the kids, "Which is why this conversation is finished for the evening. Your mother and I need to find some time to be alone. Go get ready for bed, now!" he commanded.

Both children looked at him still reluctant to go to bed, but they obeyed him.

A short time later the kids were snug in their beds, with their animal companions exiled from Erik and Christine's room, beside them. Erik looked at the clock on their bedroom wall and remarked, "How long do you think that we have before one of the animals or children decide to come in here?"

"An hour or two at the most," Christine replied. "Animals and children have always been attracted for you."

"Hmm, not really enough time to be alone but it will have to do," Erik observed. "Who would have guessed back then that we would be so anxious to spend time alone together? Recalling those days reminds me just how far that we have come from those two people that we were."

"Tonight, you reminded me just how much you hated yourself back then. When you speak of that time, your voice takes on a certain amount of bitterness and self-loathing that I have not heard from you in years," Christine observed. "Do you ever resent me for how I treated you back then? How I turned my back on you, my best friend and teacher, because of your face?"

Erik smiled at her gently with no trace of bitterness in his voice, perhaps a small dose of sadness but nothing more. Time had blunted any anger that he had ever possessed towards Christine, and changed it to love and forgiveness.

He placed his arms around her and embraced her, replying, "No, of course not. It was more than my just face that ultimately drove you away from me; ultimately it was my temper, and self-loathing. I take full responsibility for it, all of it. True, we both were much younger and still had much to learn, me in particular. I needed to accept how to walk in my own shoes, and not despise myself, before I could deem myself to be truly worthy of your love and affection. I did not realize that I had even held myself to such a low standard until you pointed it out. I will never forget when you shouted at me so disdainfully, 'How could you expect me to love you when you do not even love yourself? Why should I be expected to do what you cannot?' At the time, it wounded me to hear you give me that assessment. Ultimately, your choice of words, spoken in anger at me, made me examine myself in the harsh light of day.'

'I realized that, from the beginning, my own self-hatred sabotaged any hope of winning your love. There are times, even now, when I wallow in self-pity and despise who I once was. I still regret my actions back then, but not nearly as often or as much as before. By granting me your love and giving me a family to adore, you have healed much of my pain. If it wasn't for what happened in my lair in the end, I think that I might have forgiven myself even more than I have; but the Daroga's fate still haunts me, just like the boy still haunts you. It is hard to build ones own happiness on a foundation of betrayal and death, as we have been forced to do. Still, the past does not lessen my love for you, or my happiness emanating from the sort of life that we have lived together. The bitter man that I was could never have imagined the day when such a blissful existence could be mine. Back then I feared to look ahead, because I believed that it would never bring anything more to than the continuation of the pain and loneliness that I had already endured. My utter lack of hope is what ultimately drove me over the edge into madness. Your love is what brought me back to life. I am proud that we were able to rebuild our lives out of the ashes of the past, and find such an exquisite and beautiful love between us."

"I am proud of us for doing so, as well. I wish that I had the clarity about your nature then that I do now. Never doubt that you are a very good man, and the best husband and father in the world. I cannot quantify how much I love and cherish you." Christine stated sweetly.

"I don't really doubt myself anymore as I used to; sure I have my bouts of moodiness and depression. You cannot help but to see them. But you know me well and surely have realized that I always be that way." Erik told her.

Christine nodded, "I do, you can be very moody; but let me see what I can do to lighten your mood. Let's talk talking, so that you might show me some of that 'exquisitely beautiful' love that you just mentioned. I want to feel your love, and show you my own, reminding you that it is reciprocated."

Erik raised his eyebrow questioningly, and asked her playfully, "What did you have in mind Madame de Chagny, he cooed?

She pulled his face to hers and gave him a gentle peck on his damaged cheek, "Why don't you make yourself more comfortable and then you will find out." She sat on her side of the bed and patted it with a clear invitation.

Erik chuckled, "How easily you kiss me there now, and without disgust."

"What is there to be disgusted about? It is just a bit of mottled skin, and seeing a little bit of skull and brain makes me feel that a few less barriers lie between your incomparable mind and my lips. Why don't you let me show you just how truly beautiful and alluring that I find you my husband?" she added huskily, in a clearer invitation.

"If you insist, mon amor, " he purred in his beautiful and seductive voice.

Begin M content

He sat up for a moment and helped her out of her corset; he then began to give her gentle kisses up and down her face and neck. Christine felt each one of them with a shiver of delight. Erik then freed her full and beautiful milky white breasts from the rest of their bindings and looked upon hungrily and with admiration, "You are magnificent," he breathed, and then he nibbled on a nipple and continued his gentle probing and caressing of her.

Christine felt her nipples tingle with torrents of pleasure, and closed her eyes to let her body enjoy the sensations that Erik never failed to create in her. He was such a gifted man in the area of lovemaking as well. He would use his long, strong and gentle hands to play her most sensitive parts as skillfully as if they were the keys of a finely tuned organ and he was playing one of his compositions. She could not contain her moans of pleasure while he both caressed her, and bit her, in just the right way, to elicit the very sounds of unbridled joy from her that he desired. How could she have ever denied this man anything when he was such a maestro at giving pleasure, she thought to herself in brief regret? The thought passed quickly, buried yet again as Erik once more found the proper place to impart yet more exquisite pleasure to her. Her body accepted his offering of his love with an eager contentment, relaxing completely allowing his fingers to unlock the most pleasurable responses from her. She wreathed in pleasure, imperceptive to anything beating of his heart, the heat of his hands, and the pleasurable feel of his lips and tongue on her own, placing his mark upon her, proudly claiming her as his own. Her back arched in excitement like a playful cat; she purred her contentment exclaiming her love.

Christine eagerly undressed her husband, to return to him what he had given so generously to her. She gingerly planted kisses on his body as well, probing his most sensitive parts with her soft caressing hands. Erik was panting in excitement like an eager dog in heat. Gradually as the pleasure built, he could feel his member rise engorged and then explode inside of her. He burned his way deep inside of her, feeling her quiver with sensations of ecstasy. When they were finished making love, they fell asleep in one another's arms only to be disturbed, a short time later, by the sound of dog paws scratching on their door.

Erik yawned lazily after eying the clock, "Two o'clock in the morning, they actually let us have a little time to ourselves."

Christine replied, "Never enough time alone anymore."

Erik teased, "There was a time that even a moment alone with me was too much for you to handle."

Christine replied, "And there was a time when you made me too scared to see clearly."

They looked at one another and laughed, "What fools we were wasting all of that time back then," Erik observed softly encircling her in his arms.

Christine whispered in agreement, "What fools indeed."

The morning arose and the day was a little nicer and less snowy than the day before. It had warmed as well.

"Perhaps the roads will clear by tomorrow. " Erik told his family, after breakfast was over. "If so, we can make a trip into town to get some supplies you may even be able visit some of your friends. You must feel restless being trapped here."

Meg replied, "Not really, Father. If it hadn't snowed so much you would have never told us your story. We are ready to hear more of it."

Erik gave Christine a glance and smiled, "Well perhaps we are not ready to tell it. It is not pleasant. There was much so much turmoil that we both went through before we found happiness together."

Gustave cut in, "We know Father but we still want to hear about it. You have yet to tell us how we became de Chagnys."

"Well we still have more to explain about those days before we get to that point." Christine told her children.

"So, it is sad like most of the story has been so far?" Meg asked.

"Yes, I am afraid so my love, that time was a period of much sadness, anger and misunderstanding between your father and I. But you already know that it has a happy ending, at least for your father and I," Christine replied. "Your father deserved a happy ending after all that he went through, please remember that and do not judge either of us," Christine reminded them.

"We will not judge," Both children replied in unison. They looked at their father, "No matter what happened we will always love you."

Erik smiled, "I love you both too."

"Were you very very bad, Father?" Meg asked almost sounding afraid to hear the answer.

Erik shook his head yes, "Unfortunately I was pretty terrible. You already know that I kidnapped your mother and held her against her will. To be fair to myself, I did treat her kindly, as an attempt to show her that I was not the monster that she thought me to be, but that did not truly make her feel much better. I would not let your mother go for almost two weeks. Try as she may, she could not hide her terror of me. For a short time during that stretch, I had considered keeping her there with me forever, and forcing her to remain my prisoner. I had all but convinced myself that there was no other way out of our mutual predicament. I was afraid that she might go to the police for protection from me, and even lead them to my hiding place. Although, I was not yet truly a wanted man in France, the gendarmes probably would have figured out that I was the man who had killed several brigands over the years. Murder and kidnapping are both crimes that were punishable by execution and I feared such an end. I was not afraid of death only that, once they executed me that my remains would be put on display, as a curiosity. But, despite that risk, I loved your mother too dearly to keep her against her will. I would have died for her willingly anyway, so as a matter of conscience I could not keep her with me. I let her go free, but not before I made her promise that she would never reveal to anyone about either where she had been or who she had been with.'

'As I told you earlier, I sent a note around indicating that a friend had taken her to Evian to take the waters there. Of course both of my friends knew that I was somehow involved and pressed me to free her, if I indeed held her. The Vicomte was beside himself with worry, because he kept insisting upon the fact that your mother had agreed to have dinner with him the very next night and had made no mention of the fact that she would be leaving. Fortunately no one paid him too much heed except for Meg Giry because no one else cared about the absence of a mere understudy. Meg and the Vicomte put their heads together and insisted upon exploring every inch of the opera house. When your mother was not found, the Vicomte had set the gendarmes about looking for Christine, but they did not take their task too seriously. You see performers were not held in high esteem, they were considered by many to be little better than ladies of the night, so they searched only half-heartedly. Most people assumed that Christine had found such an admirer and went off with him, or even with me, since I had written that note. As your mother told you, I had a reputation as a rapist as well, although it was completely unfounded."

Meg interrupted, "What is a lady of the night? Do they only live at night?"

Christine laughed, "What your father means is that there are some ladies who wait upon men, for money and not for love."

"Like a waitress in a restaurant? What is so bad about that? You always tell us to treat our social inferiors as equals." Meg insisted indignantly.

Erik explained, "They do more for men than just serve them meals they get paid to kiss them."

Meg's eyes opened as wide as saucers, "Like Mary Magdalene? Sister Beatrix always talks about her as if she were a terrible person before she turned good."

"Yes, like her." Erik replied.

"Were you then a man of the night since you were bad back then and liked the night?" Meg asked.

Erik laughed at her innocence, "I wish. It would have been quite a pleasant change to be wanted in that way but I am afraid that I was not bad in that sort of way."

Christine teased, "Well I beg to differ. I think that I would enjoy it if you could be my man of the night."

Erik eyed her with amusement and gave her a courtly bow, "For you my love I would be anything or anyone."

Christine replied, "I love you just the way that you are."

Erik replied, "Hmm. I am glad you see me that way now." He looked at his children, "Back then she saw me far bit differently. During her stay with me, she cowered in my presence as if she were afraid that I would eat her for my supper even though I left her to eat in peace. The mask that I wore back then was more primitive than my current one and I could not eat in front of her without taking it off. I would not subject her to my hideous face again to do so. I vowed to myself to never show her my hideous face again. When I let her go I knew that she would not likely return to me willingly, and I mourned the loss of our friendship greatly.'

'At least that gesture did have the approval of the Daroga, who observed to me, "Despite your denials I knew all along that you were holding that poor girl. You obviously know that it was wrong to do so because you released her. You did the right thing when you finally did let her go. You could not have held her forever, doostam. It would have torn both you and her apart on the inside. It is not in your nature to hold someone against his or her will. You remember all too well what it was like to be a prisoner I know that you do. She would have grown to hate you even more, and you both her and you for imposing yourself on her."

I growled, "How would you know how I feel Persian? Perhaps I should have kept her and used her against her will." I challenged, just to annoy him. "Maybe my tastes have changed and I have started to prey upon innocent girls just for fun. Why not? I am already accused of doing so? Who will stop me if I tried, you? Also, why do you continue to call me your friend? I am no more your friend than a hawk could befriend a dove."

"You would never do that?" The Persian replied but a little shakily and questioningly, as if he wondered whether or not I would. "Why do you never acknowledge our friendship doostam? I have known you for fifteen years and you still deny me?" The Persian complained.

"Perhaps because you are such a judgmental and meddlesome wretch Persian. You are always trying to appeal to a conscience of mine that I simply do not have. I am an evil kaffir with little hope for redemption." I told him. In truth I enjoyed yanking the Persian's chain. He truly believed that I was capable of being one the best of men, and I insisted on repudiating that notion. Perhaps I was afraid that I would disappoint him, should I have actually taken him up on the challenge. I cannot tell you exactly why I continued to push him away, but I did. Yet, later on, his death at my hands served to do what his years of cajoling could never do; from that point on I swore to honor his memory by becoming the man that he had begged me to become, and not the wretch that I claimed to be. I do not know if he is looking down upon me from his Islamic 'paradise' and smiling at the man that I have become. I rather hope so." Erik explained almost tearfully as once again he recalled his old friend.

"I am sure that he does, Erik," Christine iterated, "Remember how you used to tell me that my father watched over me to comfort me when I was mourning him as a child? I am sure that your Persian friend is doing the same for you."

"But you were not responsible for his death in the least bit. You did not kill his spirit as I killed the Daroga's." Erik replied.

"Perhaps he did not commit suicide when he was trapped in your maze. You said yourself that he was a strong man, firm in both spirit and faith. He could not have been anything but that since he spent so much time trying both to help you, and to save you from yourself, despite your sometimes hostility to him." Christine reminded him.

"Do you think so Christine? " he asked like a child asking a teacher a question about a lesson.

"I know so ange. I have told you this many times and yet you still persist in believing the worst." Christine reminded him.

"You are right, I do do that don't I?" Erik admitted.

"Then perhaps this time you will believe me." She turned to her children, "Make your father swear not to believe the worst about his friend's fate any longer. Perhaps he will listen to you more than he has to me."

Gustave turned to his father and told him, "Maman is right. You must listen to her. I am sure that your friend did not kill himself. He is undoubtedly looking down from heaven and smiling at you. Isn't that what you told me when old Jacques died a few years ago. You promised me that he would come bounding towards me, barking in joy when I see him in heaven someday."

Erik smiled, "I guess that you are right Gustave." He turned to Christine, "He is a wise boy."

"So you will listen to him then?" she asked gently.

Erik nodded affirmatively, "Yes of course."

His family hugged him, "Good." Christine replied. She turned to her family, "That being said, when your father released me, I almost immediately sought out Raoul de Chagny, just as your father feared that I might. I dressed myself in a concealing black cloak and took a hackney to his estate. I was afraid that my old friend had truly believed that I had stood him up and I needed him to know that I hadn't. I also instinctively knew that he would protect me. I was still petrified that your father would take me prisoner once again, and never let me go, even though he had promised otherwise."

"I had no intention of doing so Christine. I knew that I had lost the battle to keep you. I did not want to drive you away even further from me. Instead I hoped that a certain amount of distance and space might make you realize that I had no intention of harming you. I had hoped that at least you would continue your studies with me as your teacher. We had made great collaborators, and I had hoped that you had gleaned, at least that, from our years together." Erik explained.

"I did not want to think about music in any way, it made my thoughts turn to you when I did, and I wanted no part of it. I had begun to dread singing and performing even though I had no choice but to do so. I had no money or any talents other than singing. The acclaim from my debut had brought much respect for my talents, even if the managers were not ready to retire La Carlotta as you wanted them to do." Christine reminded him. "I would have fled from the Palais Garnier, never to return, but even then I was sure that you would find me and sing songs in my head and force me to return to you forever. As I look back upon it, perhaps if you had forced me to return our happiness would have began sooner."

Erik laughed, "I much prefer you this way, as my 'living and consenting bride'. Back then I could not understand your attitude towards music at least. Our music was the one thing that I had always believed would remain as a bond between us. Our connection through music was deep and very soulful. In the past few years before your debut I barely had to speak and you would know what I wanted to see from you, what I needed you to feel to bring my music and your voice together in a union. Unlike me our music was not hideous or monstrous it was beautiful and meaningful. Your new attitude towards music hurt me even more than your unmasking and subsequent rejection of me had done." Erik explained a small degree of the past pain crept into his voice as he recalled his emotions from that time.

"I know." Christine admitted. "My fear of you crept into even my love of music. It linked me to you and I feared that you would overwhelm me and control me through the music itself. I wanted to be finished with anything that might still bind me to you. I felt a strong urge to turn away from anything that you could use to control me. I turned to Raoul because I feared that I could never have stood up to you on my own. I knew that he would stand and fight for me, for my freedom from both you and your music."

"The boy was more than happy to step in and save you from the 'thing', the monster that he convinced even more you that I was." Erik pointed out bitterly.

"He did step in. Right away he took me to dinner. I believed that you would not follow since I did not ever see you away from the Palais Garnier in the past." Christine admitted. "I felt free to speak to him and explain the truth about what happened to me."

"I did follow you, both to his estate and then to the dark restaurant that he took you to 'to discuss matters in private, where his family could not overhear you either'. Of course I needed to know what you would tell him. I was able to bribe a waiter to let me stand in the waiter's station, which was within eavesdropping distance from your table."

Gustave turned to his father and exclaimed, "Eeew, Father, that is very creepy. How could you follow her like that?"

Erik replied looking a little shameful, "At the time I was terribly jealous and needed to know everything that your mother was both saying and doing. In hindsight it was very 'creepy', as you would say, and yes to most people it was unhealthy behavior. I have no real excuse for it except that I was not in my right mind. I only know that I desperately wanted to remain a part of your mother's life, and felt that I was being booted out of it. I was starved for her affection, which she had once freely given to me. I had never had someone that I had cared for in that way before that time, and did not understand that it was wrong to invade someone's privacy like that. In truth I had little concept of privacy altogether. When we began to speak about this part your mother and I both warned you that my behavior would be very disturbing. But please, keep in mind that I had never really lived among men. I knew nothing about how to deport myself among them, like an ordinary person. I had little previous examples to go by. The gypsies regularly violated one another's privacy and listened in on one another making love, or gossiping about someone. In Persia, the Shah purposely and regularly set spies among his subjects to be sure that they were not traitors. I was frequently employed as one of them because I was so stealthy by nature, and he valued that trait in me. Even at the Opera House gossip and spying was rampant. I did not know any other way. That is why 'creepy' is a relative term, to be employ only when the person acting in such a way actual has concept of the proper boundaries of human behavior. At the time I was trying to ascertain what Christine was thinking and protecting myself from harm. In seeking out the Vicomte and telling him the truth about what happened your mother had already betrayed the terms that I had set prior to letting her go."

Christine turned to her children, "Much later I forgave him for doing it. His fears were not without foundation. I did tell the Vicomte everything, but not before extracting from him a promise not to involve the police. You see, even then, I did not want any harm to befall your father. A part of me was still grateful to him for all that he had done. Raoul was outraged and only his previous promise not to involve the police kept him from doing so right there and then. I had not exacted a promise from him however to either refrain from going after your father on his own or from offering a reward for his capture. Because of my neglect to do so, Raoul made it known, especially around the opera house that he would give a handsome reward to anyone who could either kill the Phantom, or deliver to the gendarmes."

Erik cut in, "The Vicomte sent in several of his men to try to find my hiding place, but they all turned back in failure. In the meantime while the critics were raving about your mother's voice, the managers failed to see what was right in front of their faces. They took a conservative approach and continued to use La Carlotta as their Prima Donna. They explained to many that they would start using Christine in more prominent roles but insisted that her voice as of yet needed more work, and that she should content herself to be the understudy for La Carlotta. I was outraged by this act. Even the most skeptical critics had explicitly stated that your mother's performance called to mind the voices many of the greatest sopranos, yet those two fools even overrode Monsieur Reyer's wishes and cast your mother in a role where her voice would not be heard by the audience. They wanted to suffocate her voice merely because they had concluded that she was my protégée." He explained irritably.

"Well I was your protégée darling, they were not wrong about that." Christine reminded him.

'Yes, mon amour, you were but you were also innocent of any wrongdoing. You were the best voice that had graced that stage in living memory, yet they hid you away from where you were meant to be, center stage." Erik replied.

"They used me as a weapon to get to you. They knew that my career was the only thing that you really cared about, and so by denying me my time in the limelight they could defy you and your demands," Christine told them.

"The former managers had their vengeance against me at last. They had carefully chosen those particular men as their successors because the new managers were not familiar with Opera at all. The new managers were there simply to make a profit. They did not care about the quality of the production as long as they could have a full opera house. They knew that La Carlotta was still able to draw a large crowd, and that even my own antics had fuelled curiosity, hence adding to the throngs of opera- goers. They were impervious to my demands because they did not care what I did as long as seats were being sold. My old friend and co-conspirator Antoinette partially turned on me because; once the crooked managers had gone, she felt there was no longer a reason to exact our price upon the new manager's. I tried to convince her otherwise, but she would only reluctantly deliver my various demands. Our friendship became strained over that issue and we grew more distant from one another. The old managers had walked away with a tidy sum, smug in their knowledge that they would never have to deal with me again. The new managers, well I would have to teach them a lesson or so I thought.'

'The new managers, Andre and Fermin, were extremely stubborn and disrespectful to me. They would do the opposite of whatever I wanted, just because it was my suggestion. They were ever eager to prove that they would not accept my guidance, even when it was meant to improve the productions. I did not need the money that I demanded; it was supposed to be their tribute to me as the true power within the opera house, much like a subdued tribe, in ancient times, had to pay tribute to the Caesars of Rome. I felt it to be my right even if they were honest, which admittedly they were. Yet, over the years I had come to believe that I was the Caesar of the Opera House. It was my way of exercising power over my domain. Perhaps I was wrong, and even somewhat pig headed in my arrogance, but, to defend my actions you must understand that I liked having a place in the world of men, even if it was obtained by unscrupulous means. It meant the world to a man like me who had been feared and rejected by humanity from his very first breath. There was a place where I both belonged and was respected, but they refused to go along with the rules of my game and thus we all suffered the consequences."