Life after Loss

Chapter 21: Going back to Dauntless

On the ride back to Dauntless, later that afternoon, everyone is silent. We are all silently hoping that Dauntless is safe and we don't have any trouble getting there. We have a load of weapons though, just in case. Amar is driving the truck we are in. The rest of us are in the back. Zeke is holding little Michael, whom is sleeping at the moment, in his arms, looking down at his son with a loving glance.

I can't wait for that to be Tobias, looking down at our child with such love and adoration in his eyes. Even though I am terrified to be a mother. I don't know anything about bringing up a child. I'm scared I might just die and leave my child motherless. I'm scared of letting them down, not being good enough for them. I'm scared that Tobias will leave me. I'm scared of ruining my child's life. I'm scared of losing my child. I can't lose another member of my family. I've already lost my parents, my brother, my adoptive father. I can't lose anyone else. I can't lose my baby. I can't lose Tobias. I can't lose my adoptive family. I can't lose my friends. They are all my family now and I can't lose them.

Tobias shouting my name and shaking my shoulders brings me out of my trance.

"What?" I ask.

"You were panicking. I was trying to snap you out of it." He explains as he wipes a tear from my eye with the soft pad of his thumb. "What were you thinking about?"

"I just… I can't lose any of you. I can't lose any more family. If I did… I don't know what would happen to me. I know everything would get worse, my PTSD… I don't want any of you to die."

He pulls me into him as I cry.

"You're not going to lose us Tris. I promise. We'll always be here for you." He whispers to me soothing words, promises.

Promises you can't really keep in a time of war.

But I nod along. Trying to cheer up. Trying to believe that none of them will leave me any time soon.

But deep down I can't believe.

We arrive back to Dauntless soon after that. We get out of the truck and they all grab their weapons as I take Michael, who is just over two weeks old now. They don't want me to do anything. They all take bags as well.

We start heading towards the entrance. They all have their guns at the ready. But we enter without difficulty.

It is only when we get to the apartment part of Dauntless when they put down their weapons. I hand Michael back to Shauna and Zeke before we all leave to our old apartments. We don't live that far away from each other, in fact, we all live on the same level. So we are close and are near each other when needed. Which is great.

I plop onto the couch and Tobias does the same next to me. I lay down with my head in his lap and quickly drift into sleep.

…

I am in my home in Abnegation. Watching my family be tortured. But I am in the room with them, being held back by an invisible force as I watch my family suffer.

It's not just my parents and my brother. It's Tobias, a baby, Hana, Zeke, Uriah, Shauna, Michael, Marlene, Lynn, Hector, Christina, Will, Tori, Amar, everyone I care about. They are all being tortured and I can't do anything to stop it.

They are calling my name. Screaming. Crying. Bleeding. Shouting. Yelling.

I hear the sounds of whips hitting skin, gun shots being fired, Knives ripping through flesh.

Yet I can't move.

I am calling them but they don't seem to hear me. Neither do the abusers.

I'm crying. They're crying.

They're losing too much blood. Their cries get weaker, quieter. And soon I hear nothing. I see nothing. Just their lifeless bodies on the floor, covered in blood and cuts.

I scream into the darkness.

I jump up. I am still on the sofa. Tobias is sleeping. Tears line my cheeks. I am panting. There is a sharp pain in my belly.

My baby.

Something's wrong with my baby. That pain shouldn't be there.

I'm crying even more as I try to wake Tobias up.

And he does just as the pain gets worse and I double over, clutching my belly as I cry out.

"Tris, what's wrong?" He asks, worried as he wraps an arm around my shoulders.

"My belly hurts… really bad." I sob.

"I'm going to call Hana, okay?" I nod and he calls her whilst I curl up on the sofa with my hand on my belly, sobbing. Terrified.

My baby is going to die. Or is dead.

I killed my baby.

Tobias rushes in and picks me up, bridal style.

He rushes me to the infirmary, telling me everything is going to be okay, but I don't believe it.

I'm having a miscarriage. This pain isn't normal.

Hana meets us at the waiting room of the infirmary and rushes us into a room. Room number five. Tobias gently places me on the bed whilst Hana sorts out the ultrasound machine. I just lay there, in pain.

"Tris, you need to calm down, okay." Hana tells me.

"It hurts." I cry.

"I know, believe me, I know. But the baby needs you to remain calm. The baby is probably just stressed out. So calm down, please. Breathe. In, out, in, out."

"My baby is going to die. Aren't they? My baby is dead."

"Tris your baby might not be dead. You just need to breathe and you won't have a miscarriage."

"This is a miscarriage."

"Tris, in a miscarriage you tend to bleed, a lot, you aren't bleeding. But if you keep stressing out this will become a miscarriage. Now try to remain calm whilst I do the ultrasound, okay."

I just nod and let her do her thing. Trying not to move as the pain still rushes through my abdomen.

I don't look at the screen. I'm too scared to.

No one talks. I know she would want to test for a heartbeat.

It's silent for a while as Hana presses buttons and does whatever.

But then it happens.

I hear a fast thumping sound.

I hear my baby's heartbeat.

He or she is alive.

I haven't killed them.

They're alive.

I look at the screen and look at my beautiful little baby.

But when I look at Hana her face tells me something is wrong.

Something's wrong with my baby.

"What's wrong?" Tobias questions, he was obviously thinking the same thing, and I know he's crying because I can hear his sniffles, and the tightness in his throat that only sounds when he cries.

She turns to look at us and you can still tell something is wrong.

"Is my baby okay?" I ask as Tobias squeezes my hand. "What's wrong with my baby?"

She doesn't say anything. She turns off the machine, wiping the gel off my bare belly. She then leaves and comes back a few minutes later with an injection in her hand.

"What is that?" Tobias.

She injects my belly with it. I start to feel tired and soon I am back asleep.

Hey Ravens, I'm sorry for the wait I have just been very busy recently and haven't really found the time to update.

I will update again when I can.

Please review!