All original Twilight characters are © Stephenie Meyer
A/N: Wow. Okay. This was a really really hard chapter to write--it was PAINFUL-- especially since I went and saw New Moon while in the middle of writing it. I'm sure PLENTY of people will disagree with me on the outcome, but this is my story and my opinion. There is no right or wrong answer.
Please note that instead of only two "sections" it goes Renesmee, Bella, Renesmee, Bella. I don't think I'll have to do this format again, but it was necessary for this chapter.
Chapter 14 - Crash Course
Renesmee
"Ramses!" I cried in my dream world as the stocky Egyptian vampire came into focus.
He was grinning from ear to ear and his laughter rang through the rafters of the odd building we were in. Had he donned a full grey beard and mustache, he could have passed for Santa Clause -- minus the red eyes, of course.
A part of mind took in where I was, which was definitely not Alexandria. It was a large room made entirely out of wood. Sparse furniture and a lack of any bed made me wonder if this is where Ramses lives. The rest of my mind though, was concentrating on telling him everything.
"I did it!" The words left my lips triumphantly, and I was jumping up and down, squealing like a little kid.
"I know, I know," he said, his voice lower. "And I am so very proud of you. You have helped to finish my life's work."
"We have friends and they are coming. They're all coming to help us! We're going to face the Volturi and defeat them! We will right? We'll win?"
"I know only what the prophet wrote."
"We'll win," I decided gravely. "The whole Queen thing is freaking my mom out a little. That Heaven and Hell bit is kind of weird too, but it sounds like we're going to win!"
He sat down in a rocking chair that was positioned in front of the fire place, which held no flame. I sat on the floor, my legs crossed, and began to talk a mile a minute about our entire trip.
"Alexandria is beautiful! It has changed so much since you were last there. You should go back one day!"
"Oh I will, child," he promised. "Once this is all over, I'll be able to return."
I chewed my lip, unsure if I should ask the question I had been lamenting over. "Ramses, are you hiding from them -- from the Volturi?"
"I am," he said solemnly.
"They'll kill you if they find you."
"They will."
I nodded. "Well, I won't let that happen, 'kay? You just let me know and we'll find you and protect you."
"All unnecessary, child, but thank you for your kindness."
I was wondered my tale of our trip would be construed as childish banter, but Ramses seemed deeply enthralled by it.
"I think it's about time you return to sleep," he said, once my story had reached it's conclusion.
"Will I see you again soon?"
He smiled like he was keeping a really good secret to himself. "You will see me soon, but I cannot promise when exactly."
That would suffice, I guess.
He chuckled and sent me straight into my dreams..
It was definitely a dream, because nothing short of reality could compare to Ramses' visions, but for some reason part of my conscious was questioning it still.
I wandered through a moss covered forest, climbing over fallen trees and narrowing missing low hanging branches. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, and was actually enjoying the calmness around me.
"Jake?" I saw him standing a few yards from me staring straight ahead, not even turning when I called his name.
It was my mother he was staring at. They stood, face to face, in complete and utter silence.
I walked towards them, but still not a single reaction from either side, as if they were stone likenesses. It make me so curious that I went and I touched Jake's skin and it was hot and soft, as always. But when I reached to touch my mother's, I pulled back in shocked, unprepared for what I felt: human skin, and not that of her vampire self. I looked into her eyes, still unmoving, and they were my eyes; rich chocolate brown.
"Are you human, Mom?" It was silly since I knew I was dreaming, and neither Dream-Jacob nor Dream-Bella seemed to have any interest in speaking to me.
This dream was confusing and boring, but no matter what I did, I couldn't wake myself up. I eventually sat down on a tree stump that wasn't even real and watched my mom and my boyfriend battle out in some strange staring contest.
"Bella?" my father's voice echoed in the distance. It was only then did her head turn towards the sound. "Bella, please, I love you."
Dream-Jacob's face frowned. "Bella, don't," he begged. "Please."
She looked back at him, and then in the direction she had heard my dad's voice. But before I could see her make a decision, the fringe of this fantasy world began to glow, and I was jolted awake.
Jake wasn't in bed with me, but with the door cracked opened, I was guessing his absence was what had woken me up.
"Tell her!" I could barely hear Jake's rasping whisper.
The only reply was one firm "No" in my mom's voice.
"Jake?" I called.
Within two seconds he was back in bed with me, but he seemed hesitant to even touch me.
"Tell her what?" I questioned, suspiciously.
"Audrey," he said smoothly -- a little too smoothly. "She keeps talking about the battle, and she really needs to be told she can't fight with us." He really didn't lie well at all.
He was sitting up, leaning against my headboard, his eyes popping out of their sockets. I wiggled my way under his arm and rested my head in his lap, but he did not pull me close as he usually does, instead just let his arm rest stiffly on my back.
"Honey, I really am wide awake. Why don't you sleep for a few more hours and I'll move some more of my things over from the apartment?" He sure knew how to keep me from protesting. I wanted all of his things here, with me, where they belong. He was already climbing out of bed, and tucking me back in before I gave my answer.
"Hmmmm, okay," I agreed, a little to late to matter.
"And Nay?" He sat on the side of the bed, brushing my hair from my face. "Happy birthday." He leaned over and kissed me softly.
I tried to pull him on top of me but he was firmly planted where he was. "Mmmm, how about you stay a little longer?" I suggested.
"Sleep, angel."
I turned to the alarm clock, four in the morning. "Fine." It wasn't long after he left that the red numbers went blurry and finally faded out.
The ruckus from the house was unmistakeable a few hours later. More guests had arrived.
I dressed and hurried to the living room, which was already quite crowded, to see Élisabeth and Gabriel being bombarded by my mom.
"Je suis si heureux de vous voir!" My mom broke out into her fluent French.
"Tu me manquais!" Élisabeth answered, her accent fluid and beautiful.
I wasn't even two steps into the room before Emmett picked me up and swung me around. "Happy birthday, Squirt!"
For the next hour I got a dozen congratulatory hugs. Audrey gave me a present, which I never felt comfortable with because she only had a part time job at a coffee shop.
"It's really nothing," she insisted. It was a silver frame with a picture of us from my Sweet Sixteen. Engraved on the bottom was only one word: Sisters.
"No, Audrey," I took her into me and squeezed her tightly, "it's everything."
Esme had made enough food to feed everyone in the house, the only problem was only three of us even ate. By the time it was ready, Jake was back with a more boxes, so at least I knew whatever secret he was keeping, he wasn't lying when he said he was moving in.
Jacob was obviously uncomfortable being around so many "traditional" vampires, their crimson eyes giving away their recent activities, but he had worked with them once and just tried his best to stick near me and Audrey.
I wasn't much more interested in becoming friends with any of our visitors either. They still all looked at me as though I was some type of rare animal, and not one of them. They didn't treat Audrey much better either, especially since she smelled more human than I did.
I did enjoy Carmen's company though, as I had when I was a baby. The Denali resident had come to live with Tanya and her sisters, along with her mate Eleazar. Eleazar was a former member of the Volturi guard, and I believe this entire ordeal was harder on him than on the others.
"I cannot wait to get my hands on Jane this time," I heard Kate from across the room. Kate and Tanya seemed to both be looking forward to another confrontation since the death of their sister, Irina. She had been the one to go to the Volturi and claim I was an immortal child. When the Volturi learned she had been mistaken, they killed her right in front of all of us.
I feign memory loss for events such as those for my parents' sake.
"There will be time for revenge," Carmen patted the beautiful blonde's hand.
Garrett, the former nomad who had taken up life with the Denali Coven, kissed Kate's head. His long blonde hair fell next to hers and I realized they were almost exactly the same shade. "They will pay for what they've done."
"Hey," Jake said, pulling me onto his lap. "I'm stealing you away tonight, just so you know. Already cleared it with your parents. Don't make other plans."
I was about to probe deeper into what he meant, but Eleazar joined our conversation abruptly.
"Fascinating," the dark haired Spanish man said under his breath. "Your family never ceases to absolutely amaze me."
"What is it Eleazar?" My dad came over, obviously unhappy that my mom was involved with the planning that was going on across the room.
"Jacob here seems to -- I don't know -- it's just fascinating."
"What is it, mi amour?" Carmen asked.
"My gift allows me to see vampire abilities, as well as latent human abilities," he explained as he eyed both me and Jake up and down. "And it seems to be that you both share Renesmee's ability. See, no power manifests in the exact same way, so each has it's own fingerprint, if you will. Yours are identical. And he's not even a vampire!"
"Well, my power does go both ways with us. But only Jacob can send me his thoughts, no one else."
"Remarkable. This imprinting must go much farther into the depths than I ever expected."
I enjoyed that observation. We shared something so rare and special, that even a thousand year old vampire had never seen it before.
I eventually wandered out to the front yard with Audrey to watch Benjamin and Gabriel begin to test their abilities with the aid of Jasper and Peter.
"I'm not going to fight," Audrey said to me, leaning on the porch railing.
There wasn't really anything to say to that, since we were all thinking the same thing. "It's probably for the best," I encouraged.
"Are you going to fight?"
"I'm going to have to talk to my dad and Jake about it," I sighed.
"Great minds think alike," my dad said, walking out the door with Jacob. "And I'd like to compromise before shooting you down completely."
"Uh huh..."
"We're going to train you," Jake started. "Well, not us, but we're going to have others train you and see how you do against them. Then we'll decide."
"Mom would let me."
"I don't doubt that, she's turned into a regular Joan of Arc." Edward sounded bitter and annoyed. "But the two men that love you the most are asking this of you. Please?"
I could never argue against a rational point. "Fine, when do we start?"
My dad looked over at Jake, who had obviously thought something amusing because they both began laughing. "How about you have a non-violent birthday, and we'll start tomorrow?"
"Speaking of," Jacob smiled. "I have a few things to do regarding a certain birthday. Nay, meet me in the garage in an hour, 'kay?"
His devious planning was making me wary but I nodded.
"Fantastic." He kissed me quickly and ran off. I heard him calling for Esme somewhere in the house.
Time passed and Jacob was no where to be seen, so I did as I was told and went to the garage. There was no sign of him in there either, although his scent was strong. Balanced on the handle bar of my bike was a folded piece of paper:
Catch me if you can.
I was hoping it wasn't some sort of scavenger hunt -- I wasn't wearing the right shoes -- but played along anyway. His scent wasn't hard to pick up, and I left the large crowded house behind me and followed him into the woods.
It was already dark out, but there were plenty of stars and a full moon to light the way. I picked up the pace the stronger Jake's scent got until I began to notice the white starlight being outshone by a orange glow behind the trees.
Set up in a small clearing was a white mesh canopy, the breeze of fall making it billow up around the edges. White candles were set out from tree-line to tree-line, their tiny flames combining to make the entire area light up brilliantly.
But no Jake.
I walked towards the canopy, and laid out across a large white sheet were small pieces of white and pink linen paper, each one marked with Jake's unique black scrawl.
I picked up the first one: That you inspire me to be a better man.
I stood in the middle of the cabana and began to collect them: The way you twist your hair when you're thinking. Your confidence and strength. The way you blush. How you trace my palm with your fingers. The look in your eyes when you first wake up. Your smile after you say I love you. How you always laugh at my jokes. How I can be myself when I'm with you.
I knew he was there before I saw him, because my heart, which I swear was magnetically connected to his, skipped a beat in alert. In white linen pants and matching shirt, he stood barefoot at the entrance.
"I could have gone on forever," he said softly.
"What--what are these?" I was clutching the papers to my chest.
"Reasons why I love you, Renesmee."
"There must be hundreds of them..."
"I stopped counting after one fifty," he teased.
My eyes were brimming over with tears when he finally reached me. I threw my arms around his neck which were still holding his love letters.
When I reached up to his lips I could taste the salt water of my tears, and then realized he was crying too.
"I love you," I said against his mouth, unable to pull away for even a split second.
"I love you," he repeated.
We fell onto the soft white ground, and Jake whispered to me even more of his reasons. "I ran out of paper," he admitted. "Or else I'd have had to bring a dump truck with me to haul them up here."
My parents had allowed him a bottle of champagne, but I didn't care for the taste of it. I still held the delicate flute, copying Jake, and pretended to sip on it so I didn't hurt his feelings.
"I have one more thing for you."
"Jake, this," I waved dramatically at the set up, "is more than enough." I knew he had cut back his hours at the shop because of everything that had been going on. I wondered if that's another reason he was moving in.
"It's not much. Just something to keep the wolf company."
I tried to read his eyes as to what wolf he was referring to as he handed me the small black box, but he gave nothing away.
I was instantly confused. It was a little silver figure eight.
I pursed my lips, trying to figure out how to not sound stupid, but Jake was already laughing. He took the box and turned it 90 degrees.
"Oh!" I gasped. It was a charm for my bracelet, it was the infinity symbol.
He carefully took it from it's box and held up my wrist, the silver bracelet dangling from it. He attached it right next to the wolf that he had hand carved for me. My mom had one that matched.
"Infinity, eternity...same thing, right?" His eyes were so mature, but there was an eagerness of a boy there too.
"Yes," I breathed, and pulled him into a long kiss that we repeated over and over again.
My first yawn signaled Jake that it was time to go, although I begged to stay longer.
"If you want to start training tomorrow, you need to sleep." He got up and began to blow out the remaining candles that the evening wind hadn't extinguished yet.
"We can sleep here."
"Sure, that would go over well with your parents." Without giving me time for a come back he picked me up in his arms and took off back to the house.
We came in through the backyard, the room that opened up to Esme's garden. I could see to the side some of my family and our guests still practicing.
"We can still go back," I tempted.
Jake smiled and sighed. "What am I going to do with you?" Again, he didn't allow me time to answer and began to kiss me, and differently than he ever had before.
***
Bella
Jake's presence in the living room was so abrupt that morning of Renesmee's birthday, it took me eight tenths of a second to wrap my mind around the words that were spitting from his mouth.
"We need to tell Renesmee. Now."
"Jacob..." Edward's velvet voice was calm and rational.
"Have you checked on her dream tonight, Edward? Because it's so subconsciously dead on it's not even funny."
I saw Edward's eyes wander towards Renesmee's bedroom and widen as he eavesdropped into her mind.
"See," Jake sneered. "We need to tell her now. I can't keep lying to her and now she can read everything I think."
"It's fine, Jake," I said, but my voice wavered giving away my lie. Edward always said I was a horrible liar.
"Sure, sure," he said cynically. "You keep telling yourself that. Do you even have a real reason for not telling her?"
Throughout the confrontation I had been conscious of the fact that we were surrounded by several other vampires, most of which had not the slightest clue about the vague conversation going on between a vampire and a werewolf.
"She's awake," Edward said quickly.
"Tell her!" Jake's voice lowered to a jarring whisper.
"No." I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't even answer the last question he had asked me, not even to myself.
"Jake?" Renesmee called from her room, forcing Jacob to flee back to her side.
I heard him come up with some weak lie about Audrey to cover up our actual conversation. I couldn't help but feel defeated every time I looked at Edward. He was not happy.
I retreated into my art studio to escape from the disapproving looks from my family, and critical eyes of our visitors. I knew Edward was following me and that I wouldn't like what he had to say.
"Jake left." His voice was still so calm and beautiful, even if his mood seemed otherwise. "He was too afraid to even lay with her, Bella. You are putting him in an impossible situation."
I picked up a blank canvas and balanced it on the easel. I never knew what I was going to paint until I started, and it always went with my mood. Not surprising that the first color to grace its threads was black.
"You are both making way too big a deal over this," I said, trying to keep my voice monotone.
Edward moved around to the back of the easel so he could see my face. His forehead creased as he studied me. "Then tell her."
I blinked away tears that didn't exist. It came down to the fact that I was terrified to even say it aloud, let alone have a civilized conversation about it to anyone, especially Renesmee.
The gapping hole in my chest that owned me for so long was burning suddenly; an old wound that hadn't even been caused by Jacob, but one that I correlated with the time in my life that I had gotten so close to him.
But this was now, and that was then. Wasn't that what I constantly told Edward? I should be able to just lay it out there for Renesmee. Shouldn't I?
I dropped the paintbrush on the side table, reaching for the hole but only finding my cold, dead chest.
"Why can't I do this?" I pleaded. I was looking at Edward, whose arms were around my waist now, but I wasn't speaking to him.
He must have known because he didn't reply. Instead, his hand reached my cheek and lead my face to meet his lips. Then his lips met my neck. My ear. My shoulder. We walked backwards towards the door and I heard the faintest "click" of the lock as he pulled me down to the floor.
Hours had flown by when we finally scrounged around for our clothes; we did have a tendency to lose track of time when we were alone.
I fixed myself so it hadn't look like I had been rolling around on the floor, using the reflection of the window. "How do you put up with this?" I asked, pointing at myself.
He gave me his heart melting crooked smile. "For how many decades will I need to repeat myself before you truly comprehend my words? Without this," he mimicked my gesture, "I would be nothing. I am because of you, Isabella Cullen. You are my raison d'être."
His reason for being.
"I love when you speak French," I said, pulling him in for another kiss.
"Thought I should practice..." He winked, but it took me a moment longer before I realized the hidden meaning.
I practically bulldozed people out of the way to reach the door where I jumped up and hugged Élisabeth and Gabriel. I quickly switched to French, so proud to show her how fluent I was.
"Happy birthday, Squirt!" I heard from behind us. Renesmee had come into the room and Emmett was tossing her around like a rag doll.
My baby was eight years old. Amazing.
Her birthday present was a trip with Alice to New York City to do some "real" shopping (opposed to what I guess is fake shopping we had in the Northwest) once everything calmed down. Not a single person questioned "what if" regarding the future planning of said trip. They were trying so hard to be optomistic. Edward relented and got her one of the new touch screen phones she wanted, mainly because all of the "kids" had them and he still was desperately trying to give her a normal life.
With Gabriel present we now had our two main offensive players, and Jasper called a meeting to set up how we would practice. Edward paced the entire conversation, except when I'd chime in at which time he'd sigh, until a look from his brother sent him to the other side of the room.
Where this would all take place was still unknown, but a field much like the one in Forks would probably be the only possible location. Jasper had agreed with my plan thus far:
Zafrina, who was currently on her way from the Amazon with her coven, would protect me, while I held my shield around our friends and family (something I was desperate to practice). That would immediately disable Jane, Alec, and any other mental power they had, like the vampire from Maria's coven. Emmett, Garrett, and the other fighters would go after Felix and especially Demetri. To give any remaining survivors a chance, Demetri would need to be taken out.
Jasper and Peter, the most agile and skilled fighters, would take out the new acquisition that can turn any physical energy used against into her own physical strength -- Eleazar called it kinetic absorption.
The ancients -- Aro, Cauis, and Marcus -- would be protected by Aro's personal shield, Renata, and we would save them for the end. They were nothing without their guard.
The topic of conversation at hand though was the little boy with telekinetic powers.
"Why don't we just have Gabriel freeze each of the guard as we take them out?" Garrett countered to Jasper's current plan.
"This boy is young; not quite a newborn, but still strong. Although his instincts will control him more so than a mature vampire, his ability will also be heightened," Eleazar explained. "He will easily be able to move entire cliffs if he can find the concentration." He was finished saying his piece and walked over towards Renesmee and Jacob, looking at them curiously.
"This is why we need Gabriel to focus on him and freeze anything he sends our way." Jasper took back over the conversation. "We'll also be working with Benjamin to practice upsetting fault lines and pulling in the elements to our advantage. One good quake on their side of the battle field should shake those who are untrained or newly changed."
"Where do the rest of us come in?" Charles asked, his red eyes so intense it was almost reassuring. The last time he stood on the other side, but not anymore.
"We have only matched our abilities up with their big players. The rest will be involved in hand to hand combat."
"And let's not forget the wolves," I added.
"Yes," Jasper said carefully as the nervous energy rose in the room. "Everyone will be paired up with a shape-shifter," he spoke through the grumbles of resistance. "The pack psyche is another one of our best offenses. There are two packs now, but Jacob and Sam can communicate. That means two minds will be able to be twenty places at once. It is something that even if the Volturi know, they can't change it."
The bellyaching didn't stop. Charles, Mackenna, and even Peter were wary about the Quileutes still.
"This is their battle as much as it is ours," I said firmly. "If you cannot work with them, then you aren't going to be of any use here."
The words leaving my mouth even startled me -- I was literally giving any of them an out. Yet no one said a word more on the topic as we went into the yard to practice with Benjamin and Gabriel.
A part of me was at all times conscious of Edward and Renesmee. Although momentarily I was focusing on Gabriel freeze boulders that Emmett was throwing at him, I was well aware that my husband and daughter were standing on the porch above me.
"Speaking of," I caught the tail end of Jake's sentence. "I have a few things to do regarding a certain birthday. Nay, meet me in the garage in an hour, 'kay?"
Jacob had made sure to get our permission before setting up this romantic rendez-vous with Nessie. Well, actually he asked Edward, even though I was in the room also. Our interactions after our first encounter were tense and forced, and now after this morning, we weren't even making eye contact. I found myself constantly shaking my head in failed attempts to relieve the burning that flared up every time I thought about it.
***
Edward heard their thoughts as they came back from their date well before I could smell or hear them. We were all busy in the yard, perfecting Gabriel's ability, but when they finally did come within range, I went into house to just happen to be there when they got in. They weren't in the front of the house as I expected them to be, so I wandered to the end of the long hallway to the back room which led to both Esme's garden and the side yard I had just be in.
The way he was kissing her made that burning come back with a vengeance, but why I couldn't place it. I was swimming in humanity, fighting through memories that were pulling and pushing me in all directions. I wasn't even looking at them anymore, really. I would get close to the muddy memories I was trying to hard to find, but the second the burning hole appeared I retreated back into reality.
And at that moment, reality was my daughter's eyes staring at me wide... and knowing.
***
Renesmee
I heard her footsteps but I was lost in the wonder of Jacob's kisses and couldn't bring myself to pull away from him. When I finally did, my mom was there leaning against the door frame with the look. Yes, she was looking at us, but her eyes were washed over like she was reliving something. Like she was searching for something that had already happened.
And then the floodgates opened.
...the reason for my existence...
I had heard someone use that word before. My dad. My dad called my mom his existence.
...now you're just going to have to deal with the consequences of that choice -- me.
What choice? The choice.
There was one girl, but she wasn't right...it was the wrong kind of love.
Who else would Jake ever be close to that I would have never met? I have met her.
In the absence of someone, sometimes you have to rely on others...
There was only one person who had been there for my mom when my dad left. Only one.
My mother's reflection in the mirror.
The dreams...they were memories. His memories.
She wasn't right because she loved someone else.
She fell in love with him while Edward was gone.
Stories of the past started to rattle in my brain. The dark times when my parents weren't together, when Jacob saved her and when they became best friends. Then they fought to bring the werewolves and vampires together after my dad returned.
Best friends.
I looked up at Jacob, his eyes were fixated on her with an expression I could not completely read, but he seemed angry. Maybe furious would be a better word. Like someone had just betrayed his trust and told his darkest secret.
Best friends?
It was all crashing like waves against the rocks at First Beach. Memories I didn't have but ones my mind was now piecing together flashed in front of my eyes. They had both loved before. They had told me. Truthfully.
I told him I probably wouldn't think she's good enough for him. I wondered how jealous I would be.
I picked Edward.
My mom's eyes were on me now but her expression remained the same.
"Renesmee," Jacob whispered, jolting me out of the nightmare that had come to life. He had been watching my visions the entire sixty seconds it took me to run through them.
"Your other lo--" my tongue wasn't forming words as I looked back and forth between them. My heart wasn't breaking, but it was being crushed. "Your other loves. You and you!" I jumped back from Jake's arms, shaking at the reality falling down around me. "You were in love!" Tears of pure confusion were burning my eyes, and my throat was choking on the words I could only think and not say. I wanted them to start denying it. I wanted Jake to take me in his arms and tell me the girl's real name. That she wasn't my mother. But I didn't get to hear any of that.
"Nessie, it's not like that," my mom crooned. "Please, let's just talk about this."
"Uh, wow. No. No, we're not going to talk about this." I was backing away from them about to make a run for the garden door but instead I turned face first into my father's cold body. I started pounding on his chest screaming at him. "Why did you leave her? This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't left her!"
The small part of my sanity which I still held on to in the very back of my mind knew this wasn't his fault, or my mom's, or Jake's. But the insane trumped the sane right then and I cried. The next thing I knew I was in his arms and he sat on a wicker bench with me in his lap like when I was little. I sobbed into his shirt, hiding in the darkness behind my eyes for a long time. I knew Bella and Jake had left the room, I knew it was evening when I heard Carlisle come through the front door. Inaudible whispers came from the living room, but I couldn't make out words, only voices. I heard Jacob's tone and although I felt broken, my heart still swelled in response.
"How can you..." I stared into space now. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't even say the words aloud, but I knew he could see what I was thinking anyway.
"How can I love your mom after what happened? How could I stand Jacob being around afterwards?" His voice sounded hurt, but not by me. "You were right, it was my fault. I made a mistake. And do you know what? That mistake still haunts me. I wasn't there to see her, but Jake was--," I cringed at his name but he ignored it and continued, "--and he's shown me. I've seen what Sam saw the day he found her collapsed in the woods after I told her--" His voice was cracking now, his perfect composure was shattered. "I told her that she wasn't good for me. I told your mother--" and he couldn't go any further. I don't think I'd ever know what else he said. "I plan on being with Bella for an eternity which is how long I will blame myself for what I did to her." I always loved the way he said her name; as if she was an angel sent straight from Heaven for him and only him.
He pulled me up so I was no longer cradled like a baby but sitting upright on is lap. I know it may seem very awkward for someone looking at us because we were technically the same age, but he's the only father I'd ever known. I didn't know any other way.
"What am I going to do?"
"You are going to love Jacob," he said, but it sounded more like an order. "Do not let him go. Do not let something that happened over a decade ago, regardless of who it involves or what the circumstances were, change anything." He turned me so we were looking at each other eye to eye.
They still love each other, I thought.
"But not the way she loves me. Not in the way he loves you."
"Okay, enough talking about love with my father." I pulled myself up off of the couch. "I'm going to just think for a while, 'kay?" He leaned down and kissed the top of my head, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
The look in my mom's eyes this past year time wasn't about what was there, but that something wasn't. Jake wasn't there anymore.
I could feel the bile rise my throat the longer I thought of it. They kissed. They loved each other. They could have been together.
Everyone had kept this secret from me, but for some reason I blamed her more than the rest. She was my mother. Jake had moved on and stuck around even after she not only married my dad, but while she was pregnant with me. My dad had moved on, although he still obviously can't forgive himself for leaving her, allowing Jake to be with me and love him. He allowed him to stay a part of our family. My mom was the only one that seemed to still be in limbo.
I curled up on the bench, albeit uncomfortable, clutching a throw pillow and burying my head in the cushion.
"Maybe I could talk to her?" I heard Audrey offer from the living room.
The pain in my mom's voice was excruciating. "No words will help her right now."
I could tell Jake's pacing footsteps over the others, his mumbling barely about a whisper. "I should go in there. I have to say something."
"Just give her time, son," my dad said.
Son. Jake had told me they were his best friends. The respect I had for both him and my father grew ten times once I realized what they had endured all those years ago.
The emotional exhaustion caught up to me, but every time I would fall asleep replays of my dreams -- of Jake's memories -- would come back to haunt me. Twice I had to race to the trash can to throw up.
It was just dawn when I opened my eyes. Sometime during the night my subconscious had silence itself long enough for me to sleep dreamlessly. I saw Jake sitting on a trunk that was pressed up against the wall, his arms crossed in front of him and his legs kicked out far in front. He was sleeping too. That couldn't be comfortable.
I studied him for a while. I realized that it wasn't making me sick to think about him as it was last night. He was still the same Jacob I was in love with eight hours ago before the world as I knew it crashed.
He opened his eyes and went to speak, but I raised my hand to stop him.
"There isn't anything you can say right now," I said more harshly than I had meant to.
"Can't I say I'm sorry?"
"You could have told me."
"I promised..." he began, but his voice wavered off.
I laughed sarcastically. "She made you promise, didn't she?"
He lowered his eyes to the floor and didn't reply.
"Knew it."
I sat up and stretched. A tiny jingle came from above me, and I looked up to see my bracelet.
The wolf.
The one my mom had.
"Seriously?" I hissed. All the emotions from last night were back in full force. I was shaking my wrist in front of him. "So is this what you give all of the girls you fall in love with?"
He was speechless. My mom and dad were at the door, horror colored both of their faces.
With one easy tug the bracelet, wolf, and infinity charm split apart and showered down on the room.
"Audrey!" I yelled. My best friend showed up behind my parents and pushed her way through. Without asking she followed me out the back door towards the garden and took off into the woods. I heard Jake outside calling my name, but I couldn't stop. I wasn't sure when I'd stop.
"Nessie. I can't. Run like. You." I slowed down for Audrey to catch up. Okay, so maybe I'd have to stop.
***
Bella
The desperation in his voice was absolutely painful as he called after Renesmee.
"Please, Nay! Renesmee, please! I love you!"
I followed him outside, passed Esme's flowers and into the side yard. The way he turned towards me made my spine crawl.
It was Jake's eyes that made me nervous. I could see his teeth clenched and his breathing rough and labored.
"Ja--"
"Don't." He was glaring at me. It took a quarter of a second to fight through the fog of my human memories, but I connected that tone to something I recalled from a long time ago. The time when he first became a werewolf. When being easily angered could have cost me my life.
I couldn't think of anything to say regardless. Fragments of emotions bounced around as words in my mind, which, although was filled with so much knowledge, felt so empty.
"Don't turn this all on me," I huffed.
"On you?" Jake's laugh was dark and angry. "This is the one thing you'll never take responsibility for, isn't it?"
"I have apologized to you for the past eight years! What else would you want from me?"
"I'm taking about this right now," he said through his teeth, "and not a lifetime worth of apologies! Whatever happens because of this is your responsibility, because for all of your talk about moving on, you so do not mean it."
I wanted to cry. "Of course I mean it!"
"Then why can't you let it go?" He was talking with his teeth clamped shut still, as if upon opening his jaw the world may end -- or he'd turn into a giant wolf -- whichever came first.
"I have Edward, and you have Renesmee and this is how it's suppose to be!"
"That isn't what I asked."
He cautiously backed away from me, his face and arm giving off little twitches. "Give it up Jasper," he hissed. He was fighting Jasper's gift. I was very aware of the hidden eyes that came from the house.
I knew Edward was close by, but I quickly realized that this was most likely something he would not get in between, unless it turned violent.
"You chose him! You looked me in the eyes and still chose him over me! And so what did I do? I punished myself for loving you. I stuck by you and your family anyway. And then I was rewarded by her.
"The funniest thing is that all this time I have never understood what you and Edward have, yet I have learned to accept it and most of all, respect it. But I know what I have with her. I wanted to let her know everything, but you...you...I don't even know what to say!" He was trembling now and it had nothing to do with the cold winter air. I could see the pulsing up his spine and the tiny hairs on his arms standing on edge, waiting to phase.
"Were you too scared? Too scared to have to admit those things out loud yet again? You wanted to keep them bottled up behind you so badly, but that is selfish, Bella. It's been over eight years, but no, you just could not even admit it to your own daughter. She would have understood if we had told her the right way! I don't know if it's the choice itself or the fact you had to make one to begin with...but it haunts you. It's in your eyes. It's in your words. You don't need to be a genius to figure it out. So now I'm yet again being punished by your choice. I respected your wishes and didn't tell her because you're my best friend and I trusted your judgement. But Bella, I swear, if I lose her, I will never forgive you."
The hole in my chest was getting bigger, and I couldn't escape, memories were cascading out...
He was my best friend. I would always love him, and it would never, ever be enough.
Kiss me, Jacob. Kiss me, and then come back.
They fell through the hole that was exposed for everyone to see. I was bleeding out. I could feel the ghost of my human pulse beating out iron and rust.
Jacob was right. He'd been right all along. He was more than just my friend. That's why it was so impossible to tell him goodbye — because I was in love with him. Too. I loved him, much more than I should, and yet, still nowhere near enough. I was in love with him, but it was not enough to change anything; it was only enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever had.
And then one very last one...
Two futures, two soul mates… too much for any one person.
Jake wasn't the only one outside with us anymore; I could smell Nessie and Audrey. I'm sure he knew, but obviously didn't care what she heard.
"Everyone else has been over it for a long time, except for you. Are you still throwing yourself a little pity party?"
My jaw opened and closed mechanically, but no sound escaped. I didn't have an explnation for him. For Renesmee. For Edward.
Snow was beginning to fall. Unseasonably early for September, but still it fell, turning to frost once they hit my stone skin, yet sizzling when they would land on Jacob.
It was in this moment of deafening silence, with only the faint patters of the flakes falling to the ground, that I did something I had never had the courage to do before: I reached into the hole. Not when Edward left, not when he returned, not when I realized I loved them both. I had been afraid of it, I had cried over it, but I had never faced it dead on... and when I did only one thing came out.
"But you know that, right? That I would never, ever hurt you?"
But he hadn't hurt me. It couldn't be what this is about. I had made a choice and Renesmee was the result of that choice. And when it came to her, Jake didn't have a choice in that matter at all.
Even though I normally had very quick reasoning skills, much more time had gone by than I had realized; there was a soft grey film of snow already on the ground. Jake was still trembling, and still horribly upset.
"Jake?" I could pick her soprano voice from a crowd of a million. "Can we talk?"
I begged myself not to look at her, but I did anyway, and the little bit of self control was drained from me when I met her cold stare.
Jake glanced at me once more, and then his eyes up to the porch where I figured by now Edward was standing, and ran off to the woods to follow her.
I closed my eyes and fell to my knees in the snowy, wet, ground, searching for anything I may have had left in me.
"Bella?" Edward's velvet voice was behind me. "Let's get you inside."
I shook my head.
"Bella, please," he begged.
This time I couldn't even manage a gesture, and he left me where I had fallen from grace. I needed to figure out where this all went wrong, and I couldn't do that with him near me.
The best present I had on my wedding night was seeing Jake -- before we got into a fight of course. Then he was back to protect me and Renesmee while I was pregnant. The pull between us was not ours, but even after she was born and I feared we may lose to the Volturi, I was prepared to give her to Jacob. Those first years of her life were amazing because it was how it should have always been with me and Jake.
And then they grew feelings for each other. Then I had to share him--
The gapping hole was burning again, and I clutched my chest. My instinct to retreat from it was strong, but I forced myself through it.
I'd thought Jake had been healing the hole in me -- or at least plugging it up, keeping it from hurting me so much. I'd been wrong. He'd just been carving out his own hole, so that I was now riddled through like Swiss cheese. I wondered why I didn't crumble into pieces.
My shield was down and I could feel my husband's presence not far from me.
"Yes," he answered to my memory, but it sounded more like the wind.
"Why couldn't you just tell me if you knew why I felt this way?"
I rose from the earth and at the same time Edward was suddenly in front of me.
"I tried." His hands were cradling my face, his thumb brushing down my cheek bone.
He had, in the plane ride back from Alexandria, but it hadn't even registered a fraction. I had been completely in denial.
"I guess that isn't just something you can ask for back, huh?"
Edward gave me a critical eye. "Be honest now, would you really want it back?"
"Well," I said pouting. "It's not his anymore."
Edward's crooked smile weaseled its way through his stern expression. "Yes, Bella, it is."
I wanted to argue my point -- Edward was the love of my entire existence and no one but him should ever, or will ever have my heart or any other part of me -- but he was already kissing me. He seemed content with this revelation, but it wouldn't be good enough for our daughter.
I tried to close my eyes and enjoy Edward's lips on mine, but whenever I did I only saw the icy look Renesmee shot me before running off with Jacob.
It wasn't going to be a good enough answer for her at all.
------------
And there it is. Bella's body was broken into so many pieces and she was near death when she was changed, but there was one thing even immortality couldn't heal. Edward understood, because isn't that what he does? Our all knowing, incredibly insightful favorite vampire always knows these things. She only saw that burning hole as something left by Edward, when in fact Jacob had left one as well.
Side note: The French translation between Elisabeth and Bella is "I'm so happy to see you" and "I've missed you"