So here's me wanting to say thank you to all the reviewers. I can't say enough how much I appreciate the ongoing support from you guys. I love hearing from people that just caught up with the story and especially love the guys that consistently review every chapter. It's nice too know that you're still sticking around and not bored to death with this story yet!
I want to say a special thank you to the people that reviewed the last chapter despite the fact that they don't really care about the Kymen story line. A lot of readers are purely Spashley fans and don't bother with other couples, but you still read it and took the time to comment positively on it, so thank you!
Not to say that I only encourage positive comments, because if there's something that bugs you about the story or something, don't be shy to speak up. I don't honestly mind if you point it out to me or call me on it when I skip over something that you wanted me to write about. I remember a lot of people commented after I picked up a chapter without mentioning how Spencer and Ashley woke up together for the first time after the beach party, so I put it in a later chapter. What I'm trying to say is that I can at least attempt to fix something if I know what's wrong, you know?
So yeah, after that long thank you note, here follows the story. Which I do own, unlike the actual show or characters. Such a bummer that.
Senior Year
Chapter 21
Ashley's point of view.
Did you know that Spencer mumbles in her sleep? Well she does. It's cute really, the way random words spill from her mouth every now and then. I've managed to decipher the words 'marshmallow' and 'hump'. Don't really know what to make of that, but I'm distracted by the way she flops onto her back and sighs. She was restless the whole night, not tossing and turning or anything, but not nearly as still as she was the night we fell asleep together on Kyla's bed. I didn't mind, actually found myself adjusting easily to her hands moving every now and then. Moving from my upper arm to down onto my hip, liking the way her leg changed from lying snugly between my own to being carelessly thrown over me. I loved that each time she did her shift, she somehow pulled me closer, somehow made us fit together better.
Last night, when I asked her if she was my girl, it was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time, but this morning made it worth it. Waking up next to her, feeling her warmth against me and the sense of safety I got from that helped a lot. I mean I'm not going to lie and say everything is alright now, that I'm not still scared stupid, because I am. I'm still so scared of what Spencer makes me feel that if I let it, it might choke me to death.
"Ash..."
Her voice pulls me out of that thought, drawing my eyes to her face as she smiles in the early morning light, her features soft and relaxed and showing she's still deeply in slumber.
Man she looks beautiful when she sleeps. Makes me want to lean over and kiss her, but the alarm clock, made out of steel I might add, is in her reach and I don't exactly think I could handle another hit to the head. I've learned my lesson about waking Spencer in that way. Yup, a shoe in the head will do that for you.
So I move back to the edge of the bed, 'cos being cautious never hurt right? I should probably just let her sleep, seeing as it is only something like six, but God damn I want to kiss her right now! So I poke her gently in the stomach, watch as she just wiggles her nose once and stays deep in dreamland. Okay, so poking is not effective.
I think about pinching her nose shut for all of half a second, but settle for tickling her exposed side rather. She gives a funny little snort and shuffles away from my questing fingers, rolling over and curling into a little ball. Big mistake on her part, 'cos her back is to me now. With her shirt riding way up. I can't decide if I should drool over all that exposed skin for a bit or continue my mission. The mission wins when I think about the taste of her mouth on my tongue. Oh and if you're wondering what that is, think toffee. Or caramel, or a good mix of the two. Sweet and warm and...yeah, back to waking her up now.
This time I lightly run my nails over her lower back, making sure to keep the contact feather lite for maximum tickle benefit. I stifle a laugh as her body arches away from the touch, her head shooting up and turning my way. She's blurry eyed and red cheeked, but still pretty much the most wonderful thing I've ever lain my eyes on.
"Wha...you...uhm...ugh."
Her head drops back down onto the pillow and she sighs loudly, turning it into a yawn halfway through. I smile at her disheveled appearance and her obviously clouded mind. She's still so out of it, but it's beyond cute.
"Wow, I must look pretty bad in the morning if one of your first words after you see me is ugh."
She flops back onto her back and looks at me through heavy lidded eyes, my body reacting to the look without my consent as I feel my chest tighten and my breath hitch. Oh man, she's got 'come-to-bed-eyes' going on there. I mean okay, we're already in bed and everything, but you know the look I'm talking about. All sexy and tempting and stomach flutter inducing.
"Hmm...ugh."
Okay, so that was not what I wanted to hear there. Guess that was really just her waking up look then, not her this is me seducing you look or something. Damn!
Her eyes suddenly go big and she struggles up onto her elbows, hair mussed and going in all directions as she shakes her head once.
"No wait, that came out wrong! I meant the time! Like...ugh the time!"
I smile at her flustered words, liking how she's quick to reassure me, knowing that she's going to need to be doing that a lot. Not reassuring me about my looks obviously, but about us in general.
"I know, I was just teasing you. Now can we skip the good mornings and go directly to kissing?"
Spencer laughs as I move in closer now that I'm assured she's fully awake. Like I said before, the alarm clock near her is steel and I wasn't going to take any chances until I was sure she's a hundred percent in the land of the conscious.
"Uh uh."
With this she pulls the sheet over her head and I'm left suspended in the air above her. Confused I might add. I thought we were good with the kissing now. I thought at this point kissing would be encouraged even!
"Uh...Spence? Did I just miss something?"
She must hear the genuine confusion in my voice, because she peeks out from under the sheet and I can see she's smiling by the way her eyes scrunch up.
"Yeah, you missed the part were we both have morning breath."
Ah, morning breath. Usually I don't stick around to experience morning breath with someone else, so this has never been an issue for me. Hmm...what to do, what to do. To kiss anyway or not?
I must say I never thought I'd be torn about whether to kiss a girl without having brushed my teeth or not before. I'm also guessing my inner struggle is showing on my face, because Spencer giggles and rolls out from under me.
"Come on, I've got a spare toothbrush in my bathroom."
I find myself giggling with her when we both basically make a dash for her bathroom, Spencer struggling for long seconds to get the bright pink toothbrush out of its packaging while I put the toothpaste on her brush for her so long. Anything to get to the kissing quicker.
She gives an excited little 'Ah ha!' when she gets the wrapper off, stuffing the brush into my hand with a big smile. Seconds later the sound of bristles and teeth meeting can be heard as Spencer and I both brush vigorously, our eyes locked and smiling the whole time.
We make the mistake of both bending down towards the basin to spit out the toothpaste at the same time, our skulls making a loud crack as they connect. I pull back and put a hand to her head, immediately sorry that I hurt her, but she almost sprays me with toothpaste as she laughs. That does it for me and despite the fact that I've got foamy toothpaste bubbles running down my chin I pull her closer.
"Oh screw this!"
Then we're kissing and all is good with the world. She tastes like spearmint and feels toasty warm against me, her bare thighs brushing my own and her hands holding me so tight against her I can barely breath. The urgency of the kiss fades and I find myself enjoying the fact that it's slow and languid now. That she takes her time to kiss me, to taste me fully like no one else has ever done. I've had blind passion before, it's actually all I've really know, but with Spencer it's different. I like that we're kissing simply for the sake of kissing, that there's no expectation for anything more. I like that she kisses me like we have all the time in the world, all the days of our lives to explore this. Her slow kiss is a promise that I want to take to heart.
I sigh probably the happiest sigh of my life when she pulls back finally, giving me back the breath she stole so sweetly. God, this girl is turning me into such a sappy loser. If this ever got out my reputation would be ruined.
"G'morning."
Her voice is soft and throaty, lower than I've ever heard it before and I feel my knees get weak. Yup, I'm whipped. Lost and whipped and so deep in I might never see sunlight again and that makes the fear pull at my stomach again. Giving me that dropping sensation that brings nausea and dizziness, because if I lose this...if I lose her...
I'm startled as a wash cloth is dragged across my mouth and chin, wiping away the traces of minty foam left in the wake of our kiss.
"Thanks and good morning to you too."
Spencer frowns slightly as my quiet voice registers with her, her eyebrows shooting up high on her forehead.
"Uh...is something wrong?"
I almost hate that she picked up on my change of mood so quickly, the fact that I'm already an open book to her adding to my worry. Everything is just happening so quickly, feelings just developing so strongly and I just need a moment to breathe and take everything in I think. I just need to settle my thoughts, because I do trust Spencer. I believed her when she said she wouldn't leave me, but...
But people sometimes leave without it being their choice and I've learned that time and time again. The hard way.
"Hey, nothings wrong, I just realized I better get out of here before your mom comes home, you know?"
I don't like the way the half lie easily slips from between my lips, but I need to go. I need to settle all this inside myself, because it's not fair to her that I doubt this. That I jump into this half assed like I do with a lot of other things in my life. I don't want my issues to hurt her, because as much as the thought of me hurting scares me, the thought of Spencer hurting because of me is unthinkable. I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if she shed a single tear because of something I did, so I owe it to her to pull myself together.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I kinda forgot about my mom there for a second. It's just...Monday is so far away."
She gives me a wistful look and I pull her closer for a hug. Needing to somehow show her that I feel the same, despite the thoughts mulling around in my head that she's not even aware of. She gives a small sigh and kisses my neck, lingers there for a few seconds longer before pushing me away.
"Go and get dressed while I fix my hair or something."
She smiles as she says this and shoves me out the door, pulling it halfway closed to give me some privacy. I quickly change into my clothes from the day before, running my hands through my own hair trying to fix the damage the nights sleep and the pillow did.
When Spencer finally steps out the bathroom I'm ready to go and she walks me to her front door, not much being said on the way. The house is quiet, save for the sound of either Glen or Mr Carlin snoring away somewhere and neither one of us wants to disrupt that.
Before she pulls the door open though she gives me a smile, one filled with contentment and affection. It makes my heart beat almost painfully in my chest as guilt runs through me. Guilt at the part of me that's still telling me to run, to protect my heart. Guilt that she's letting me in without a second thought while I struggle with myself. Still, I love this girl and I'm going to get over this feeling, this fear. I just need a little time, that's all. I've got hope, I found it yesterday while Aiden danced and little kids bugged their mothers for 'just one more game, please!'. I found that hope and I'm not going to let it slip away, not when Spencer's heart is on the line and not while my own is on the line.
"I'll pick you up Monday morning?"
She nods and lands a soft kiss on my cheek, her hand squeezing my fingers quickly.
"Yeah, that'll be nice. Call me later?"
I nod and walk to my car, liking that I can still feel her eyes on me as I go. As I pull away I blow her a kiss, just to see her smile one more time before I head home to what promises to be a long, exhausting weekend of me trying to sort out the fucked up mess my head is in.
The drive to my house is short, seeing as there's no traffic around. I sit in my car for a while, just remembering the night before. How it was nice to watch a movie with Spencer and her dad, how he reminded me a little of my own Dad before he...went away. My dad cried when Mufasa died. We went and watched the Lion King at some cinema that was showing it again when I was eight and I remember my Dad crying, remembered taking his big hand into my own little one and squeezing it tight. He'd leaned over and kissed the top of my head, whispering something about the dust and allergies, but I knew better. My dad was a softie beneath the 'Rockstar' appearance. When he was around, he was the best dad ever and I loved him so much. That didn't stop the universe from taking him away though.
I sigh and feel the prick of old tears in my eyes, mad that I'm still such a huge pussy when it comes down to stuff like this.
I don't know how long I sat there staring out my windshield while listening to Rilo Kiley playing in the background, but I'm pulled out of my sad little daze when I spot Kyla positively slinking towards the front door.
And may I add she looks completely ruffled. Her dress is crinkled and her shoes are in her hand, her hair frizzy and she's pale as a ghost. Someone obviously got stupid drunk last night. Trust me, I can spot the aftermath of a night of drunken debauchery from miles away.
Hey, aren't you impressed that I know the word debauchery? Yup, I'm brains and beauty people, remember that!
She's struggling to get her key in the door when I sneak up behind her, my hand on her shoulder causing a little yelp and the keys to drop with a clink on the front step.
Also Kyla immediately turns and pukes in the flowerbed.
Sympathy puker, people!
I can feel Pappa Carlin's pizza from the night before turning in my stomach as the smell of vomit reaches me. Christ on a bicycle that's nasty!
I take a hasty step back, because I so don't plan on seeing more of that as I take in a lung full of fresh air in the hopes of settling my own stomach. Not that it's helping, because I can still hear Kyla retching into the flowers.
I give her a minute to finish the spectacular display of upchucking whatever it is she drank last nigh before I step closer again.
"Uh...you done?"
Kyla just gives a small nod and gestures to the door and I'm quick to get the hint. I unlock the door with her keys and push her inside fast, not wanting to linger in the smell of vomit for any longer than necessary.
Once inside I let my eyes trail over Kyla's face, the dark eyes with even darker circles underneath, the rather prominent hickey in the crook of her neck and silently point upstairs. She just nods and we head up the stairs, making a detour in the nearest bathroom so Kyla can gulp down water.
Then we both collapse onto my bed, well I collapse and Kyla gingerly lays herself down.
"So..."
I let my voice trail off, waiting for Kyla to start the conversation off, because I know there's a conversation to be had by the look of her. I can count on my one hand the times I've seen Kyla in a state like this. I mean the girl parties, but not to this extent usually.
That was usually my department.
"I might have fucked up last night."
Kyla doesn't generally curse, says that cursing is for people that aren't smart enough to express themselves in words that aren't of the four letter category and belonging in a trailer park. So her saying that makes me worry.
Is it selfish of me to not want to have to worry about her while I'm worrying about me and Spencer?
Ugh, don't answer that.
I'll play the good little stepsister for once, seeing as she had to listen to me going on about Spencer that once. I'm just not sure I'll be any good at it. Emotional retard, remember?
"Uh...you wanna talk about it?"
She makes a grunting noise and throws an arm over her eyes.
"Uh...do you want me to throw up again?"
Oh fuck no!
I'd have to burn these sheets and they're nice, if the light catches them just right they look almost the same blue as Spencer's eyes when she's all hot and bothered. It's safe to say I love these sheets.
"No! I just thought you wanted to maybe vent or something, but quiet is good too. I could use it myself right about now."
Her arms lift and she gives me a quick look before dropping her arm back down.
"Quiet is good. First though, where were you last night that you're only coming home now?"
I feel myself blush, not sure why, because Spencer and I spent the night together in the most innocent sense of the word.
Okay, my hand may have accidentally been on her boob when I woke up, but that was totally out of my control! I can't be held responsible for the things my hands get up to when I'm unconscious.
"Oh, I uh...I ended up staying over at Spencer's house."
Kyla gave a small smile, even though the act was so out of place on her hungover self and I felt my heart beat a little warmer.
Here she was, probably feeling like crap and obviously upset over something, but she still finds it in herself to be happy for me.
Yeah, she's the better stepsister. She might just be the better person period.
"I'm glad to hear that. I'm assuming things are...good between you?"
I nod my head, because despite the thoughts running through my head and the fear that clutches my chest tightly, things are good. They're better than I can ever remember them being when I think of Spencer's smile and her smell and her kiss and the taste of her toothpaste still lingering in my mouth.
"Things are good and I'm starting to think that if I just...work some stuff through, they might just end up great."
Kyla nods her head and then groans, the movement obviously shooting pain through her head.
"Like I said, I'm glad to hear that. You want to talk about the...stuff you have to work through?"
I think it over for a second, not comfortable that I've been letting my guard down with not just Spencer but Kyla too these last few weeks. I'm thinking that baby steps are in order here, so I shake my head no and sit up.
"Now I think you should hop in the shower and I'll make you some toast or something. The parents are coming back today and I don't think they'd be happy to see you looking like the walking dead." I pause as I give her another once over. "And you might want to wear something that covers that hickey."
She groans again and gets up, trudging to the door while she shakes her head slowly.
"God damn showers..."
Then I find myself alone in my room, my eyebrows crunched together as I try to figure out what she's got against showers now. I don't imagine it's a buddhist thing, right? I mean what could a shower ever have done to buddha?
Shaking my head I figure I've got more important things to think about, so I head downstairs to get Kyla's toast ready and get to the thinking. I doubt I'll get everything figured out before Monday at school, but it's worth a try. It's better than having to face the fact that I might always be this scared. That for the rest of my life I might have to worry and wonder when things will go wrong again, when Spencer will leave me like everyone else I've loved has done.
Halfway down the stairs the thought occurs to me that maybe everyone has to live with that fear. That everyone has something to lose and that we all live with that hanging over our heads. Some just don't realize it or maybe they just hide it better. Maybe most people just except that fact and get on with their lives.
Maybe it's time I started doing that, excepting it and just enjoying the time, however long it ends up being, that I have with Spencer by my side.
So I smile and resume my walk down the stairs, completely ignoring the little voice in my head taunting me. The words that echo softly as I stuff bread into the toaster.
Yeah, remember that when you or the world fuck things up again and you lose her...
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So yeah, that started out fluffy and ended up angsty, but it had to be done. Hope the story's not boring you at this point, because I know it's not exactly the most exciting chapter I've ever written, but yeah, there you have it. Hope you liked. Oh and would you prefer Spencer next or Kyla? I'm not sure who to do next. (Uh...did that just sound dirty to anyone else?LOL)