A/N hmmm maybe the tattoo thing didn't come through completely, the tattoo was to bind the two things that have destroyed Bella. She doesn't really understand what's going on or the power of it yet. The old woman gives her a lot of wisdom but despite being willing to accept the moment, she's not ready to accept the wisdom. I think I did ok expressing the scene but I guess not so well at expressing Bella, no part of her thinks this tattoo is going to bring her and Jake together. What she's doing is memorializing her pain. This is the site of her undoing, she doesn't see herself as ever moving on from this and now her brush with death and her heartbreak are bound together in that spot. A tattoo over the scar. She finds strength in accepting that her life is in a sense over. It's almost like how some people get really calm and healthy after they make the decision to commit suicide. She's not going to go down that path but the emotional state of acceptance is similar. Does that help explain things to those of you who asked in reviews or messages? I hope so…let me know if not, maybe I need to rework the chapter…
My wrist had bled through the cheese cloth for days. Charlie believed me when I told him it was just a cut from hiking with Kim. It's not like that kind of thing didn't happen all the time and he had no reason to think I would do something like this. As it healed I was able to keep it covered with either a bandage or a large bracelet until the scabs fell away and the redness of my flesh faded back to white.
Soon my tattoo was something I would spend hours touching. There was a lesson in it, in the words that the old woman had said, but I was paralyzed by fear and grief, unable to receive the wisdom she had bestowed upon me. As far as I could see my existence was nothing but pain, there was nothing else out there for me that could inspire the kind of love I had felt or the kind of heartbreak that radiated through me at the mere mention of his name.
Charlie was surprisingly supportive and didn't ask many questions. He continued to go to the Black's house and fish or spend time with Billy, but he never asked if I wanted to go or told me anything about Jake when he got home. In our house it was as if Jacob Black had never existed, except of course Jake would not allow himself to be completely eradicated from my life.
Every few days Jake would call or Pup would come to visit. Each time I saw him or heard his voice the pain in my chest would throb. But I couldn't say no to him. I was pulled, like a moth to a flame, to anything I could get from him. I still wouldn't allow Jake to touch me but Pup was harder to turn away, he always had been. Some days he would come just to sit with me or he would bring Wolfs Bane flowers in his mouth. Some days I would try to resist him and stay inside but when he would look at me with those soft brown eyes and whimper I would bury my face into his fur and sob. It wasn't helping either of us move on or heal but if I couldn't be with him in love, somehow being with him in pain was second best.
We both suffered unnecessarily, if I had only let myself believe that we could get past this then maybe we would have, but then we'd never have gotten to where we are today. Would I have known the pain was the necessary catalyst then perhaps I wouldn't have minded so much, but then, that would have undone the power of it? Only through my destruction, complete and obliterating, was I able to become the me you see today.
Weeks passed and despite Leah's encouragement that I should be angry, I couldn't be. All I could think about was what James had done to me and how it had ruined my life. I hardly spoke in school anymore; Angela was the only person I could stand being around outside of my Father and the women of La Push. Even she would get frustrated with me though and my refusal to discuss Jake.
The thing is I couldn't blame Jacob for everything that happened. I couldn't blame him for something he had no control over. But it didn't change the fact that I was burnt out, cold to the core, ashes of myself floating away in the wind. When you face recovery from an insurmountable injury, the knowledge that you are loved is what pulls you through, but during that attack James took something from me I didn't even know I needed. And when we were apart I could see how maybe Alice was right…maybe it would have been better if they had just let me change. Then I would already be dead and maybe my un-beating heart would be incapable of breaking.
Friday when I went out the car Jacob firmly refused to allow me to return I found a stuffed wolf sitting on the driver's seat. I smiled, without tears this time and moved it to the passenger side. I buckled myself…and then the wolf…and headed toward school: another day of allowing my mind to numb over and pushing my friends away. I had changed seats in most of my classes so that I was either alone or sitting with Angela. The only class I wasn't able to do that was English, where I sat next to Edward.
Edward was being strangely insightful about my current predicament. His refusal to shut up about it however was driving me insane. While I appreciated his attempts at making me feel better, his constant berating of Jake was frustrating. Despite the fact that I hadn't told him anything about what had happened Edward knew about it all thanks to him being able to read Jake's mind. They had been working together to hunt down a particularly elusive vamp that had been lurking around Forks.
The strange truce between the pack and the Cullens still confused me; it was as if they got to pick and choose when to be enemies and when to be allies. Sometimes I would see Edward spoke of Sam with something akin to respect, sometimes his eyes flashed black at the mere mention of the pack.
Driving toward school for another day that spanned before a lifetime of days alone the threatening snow broke through the clouds. It fell quickly and thick and by the time I pulled into the Fork's High parking lot there was a blanket of white covering everything. I pulled into my usual spot and sat back in my seat, taking a few breaths and trying to steel myself for the upcoming school day. At least it was Friday. Only one more semester until the school year was over. I couldn't think about that though, all I could focus on was the day ahead of me, anything more then that would cause me to panic with the knowledge that there was no where for me to go, and nothing out there for me.
I smiled down at the stuffed wolf sitting next to me, its tongue lolling out of its mouth the way Jake's does when he's playful. The pain that consumed me slowly returned but before my heart could rip out of my chest I grabbed me bag and stepped out of the Rabbit and headed toward school.
Trudging through the freshly falling snow I kept my head down and didn't slow as I passed Mike and Ben and Lauren. I knew they were looking at me, wondering when I would come out of this depression, but they couldn't fathom the depth of my pain.
"Bella?" A voice broke my train of thought.
Looking up I saw Alice standing before me. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and willed her to leave me alone. Unfortunately when I looked up she was still there, her perky demeanor and ageless face waiting for me to acknowledge her.
"What Alice?"
"Isn't it enough time? Can't we be friends again?" She said sweetly.
"I don't see how."
"Bella, I'm sorry I upset you. But it's been so long since we spoke."
"You didn't just upset me Alice, you tried to kill me." Despite my desire for my pain to end, I couldn't get past that; I couldn't ever hope to be what she was.
"No! No, I didn't want Edward to kill you and there was no promise that what he was doing would work."
"Stop rationalizing" we spoke quietly and I stepped closer to her to make my point. "You didn't want him to even try, you wanted to just let me become something I don't want, you tried to take away everything, my life, Jacob…"
"And where is he now Bella? How's that life turning out? If you were one of us you would be loved and welcomed into our family! You still could, I can still see…" she reached out as if to touch me, making me recoil.
"I don't want to know! Alice, stay out of my future, stay out of my life!"
"Edward loves you, you know, your life doesn't have to be over, you could have happiness with us, with him."
I turned and walked away, unable to believe that she would suggest I just move on from Jake and give myself to Edward. That I could ever be with anyone else again was inconceivable.
"Bella, why won't you consider the possibility that you could be happy with him?" she asked trailing behind me.
"Why won't you accept that I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to know you anymore."
"I won't accept it because I know it's not true."
"It is true" I turned on her to make my point as clearly as possible. "When I look at you all I see is death, I can't breathe with the stench of it."
"Bella, no…" she gasped, pulling in an unnecessary breath.
"Leave me alone." This time when I walked away she didn't follow.
Class was unbearable, the news of my fight with Alice had spread and while the content of it hadn't been overheard the fact that we were arguing was the most exciting thing to happen in Forks High in weeks. I seethed as I sat through Trig and was seeing red by the time I walked into English class. The very last thing on the planet I wanted was to be the center of attention again.
Lauren was, as usual these days, following me around, still desperate for news of Paul. I was out of patience and completely on edge when she came up to me.
"Hey Bella, look, I know you said you didn't want to get involved…" The walls were closing in on me, there was no escape.
"Lauren…" I groaned, hoping she would let it go and I could just go sit by the window and pretend to be dead.
"I was hoping…maybe you'd give me Paul's number."
My brain exploded, I was done with her, with everyone, human, vampire and werewolf. "Lauren, get over it."
"Bella!"
I started to walk away when she grabbed my arm "Please."
"No, stop acting like such a lost puppy, God, it's so infuriating."
"I just want to talk to him, I thought maybe now you'd understand." She pleaded.
"What because Jake and I broke up? You think that's anything like your one night stand? Fuck Lauren!"
"You don't have to be such a bitch." She steamed, tears in the corners of her eyes.
"I'm not, look I'm sorry but it's not going to happen ok? Even if I gave you his number it's too late."
"What do you mean?"
"Paul got married" I said flatly, not caring about her reaction, just wanting her to leave me alone. Maybe if she knew about Leah she'd drop it.
"Oh my God…" she said quietly, looking at the floor, and as her grief spilled from her eyes I was unmoved: my deadened heart incapable of feeling remorse or compassion. Her pain may be real, but she would move on, she would grow up. I wouldn't.
I left her standing in the middle of English as the bell rang to try and recover her composure.
"Was that really necessary?" a smooth voice questioned as I sat down, accusation in his tone.
"Leave me alone Edward." I whispered looking out the window at the falling snow. It looked so peaceful, like a frozen wonderland that was falling inside a snow globe picture of someone else's life.
"Is that your goal now? To alienate everyone? You scream at Alice and make Lauren cry…am I next? How about Angela?" his voice was quiet but I could hear the pain in it, he was suffering because I was suffering, he was witness to my self destruction but could do nothing to stop it.
"I don't want to talk" I said, not meeting his eyes.
"Is what you said true? Do you only see death when you look at us?" there was an unusual tremor to his voice, as if he dreaded the answer. "Tell me, I can't read your mind, you have to tell me."
I mustered all my strength to cut my final tie to the Cullens "Yes" I said turning to look at his amber eyes. I steadied my breath and did the unthinkable "That's all you are, I look at you and I see my destruction, everything you are, everything you took from me." I took off my thick leather bracelet and revealed my almost healed tattoo and showed it to him. "You're my enemy now."
"That's the Thunderbird" he said without flinching, not believing a word I had said.
"Yes."
"You know what he is?"
"She…and yes, I do."
"Are you sure? That's a powerful symbol it shouldn't be worn as just a game or decoration."
"Edward…" I began, wrapping the bracelet back over "Leave me alone."
"Fine Bella, if that's how you want it, that's how it'll be, but I'll always be here if you change your mind."
I turned away from him and ignored his glances and small movements for the rest of class. He was mercifully silent. When the bell rang I walked out of the classroom, out of the school and out of my mind. I sat in the Rabbit regretting my day and everything I had said, no one was safe around me, no one was free of my pain. I lashed out at any moving target that crossed my path. I hugged the stuffed wolf to my chest, trying to push in and hold my heart in my chest, wishing it was Jake I was holding.
God…I would give anything to feel his warmth, his passion. I knew that everything was alright when I was in his arms and that the world made sense. Even vampires and werewolves couldn't shake my sanity, but now I felt as if my ears were bleeding and my mind was liquefying. Without thinking I picked up my phone and flipped it open. Realizing I intended to call Jake I threw it across the car so hard it ricocheted off the dash and landed in the back seat.
With a sigh and a tear I got back out of the car and headed out back, passing the students who watched at me, walking without purpose, clutching a stuffed wolf. I walked through the snow until the school faded behind me, until the line of trees faded behind me and I was surrounded by the thick brush of the forest.
This is how it had started; this was the way I was supposed to die. A tall black man with red eyes was supposed to end my life so many months ago; maybe this time since then was all a test or a dying delusion. How much easier it must be to be dead in a box then alive in this world.
I walked slowly with steady feet through the undergrowth of the dense forest. The snow hadn't penetrated the canvas yet and the filtered light made it possible to believe it was any time of day, any time of year. I wandered without direction or purpose until my tears began to flow. I walked as tears froze to my eyelashes and until the feeling in my cheeks went from cold to pain to numb. Frostbite was a distant thought; to die of a frozen heart was so much worse then anything that waiting in this forest for me. Or so I thought.
I sat on a fallen rock and stared into the trees until I couldn't see anything at all. All my eyes could see was blackness stretching out before me and behind me, a life with only a blip of joy amongst nothing else of note. If I was to make my way out of this I was going to have to find the strength inside myself. It was unfortunate that the only one who could save me had given up the search.
I closed my eyes as darkness settled over the trees, I was alone in the woods, freezing to death and certainly destined to lose at least one toe and I dreamed. I dreamed of a courtyard full of light and heat. I stood in the center surrounded by potted trees each flowering a different color. As I began to move toward one to smell a flower Jake stepped out from behind it.
He moved toward me with a smile, no words were spoken and his yellow eyes glowed as darkness suddenly descended around us. His touch set me on fire, the connection between us blazing through my skin even in a dream. I looked up at him and saw that he was older but still essentially Jake, my Jacob, my Pup. My love for him swelled inside my heart and I closed my eyes allowing the heat to expand within me and burst out, surrounding us in the sun of our love.
I opened my eyes as he brought his lips to mine, the heat too hot to believe I wasn't burning, but there was no pain only bliss. We kissed mindlessly, thoughtlessly until I was spinning for the simple ecstasy of melting against his lips. I turned and pulled away hearing a sound behind me, but when I looked all I saw was the dark forest and a pair of bright red eyes peering at me from the distant trees.
"Good morning sunshine" I heard in the distance as I woke to find someone swinging their foot and slamming it directly into my side.
Ohhh my?~? Who found Bella in the woods? If you can't guess you perhaps aren't paying attention...
Also, I know this is a short linking chapter to get us to the next scene but to make it worth your while here's an updated playlist: http://www (.) playlist (.) com / playlist/19663366155/standalone songs 20-31 are new and reflect the recent chapters and some of what's to come.