July 16th, 2012; Monday
I'm sitting at my desk, the sun streaming in from the window behind me. I can't help smiling as the weekend rotates in my brain. Other than the psychotic fun time that was New York, I could at least say that the events of the weekend made up for it.
Hell, Katniss in that dress makes up for any and all issues my mother insists on giving me.
I lean back in my chair, my eyes lifting to the ceiling. I feel like I'm on cloud nine.
"This is not a rec room, sit up straight. Honestly." And, cloud nine departs without Peeta Mellark.
"Hello mother." I pull myself back into my desk, eying her. She's been crammed in her office since we returned from New York. I had done everything in my power to avoid her.
"Hello, darling." She gives me a smile, taking a seat across from me.
"Um, what are you doing?" She crosses her legs and leans back, a large envelope is resting in her hand. What the hell do I have to put up with now? Can't I get a moment of peace?
"I think I finally figured out how to get your mind in focus." Oh, for all that is good and pure.
I roll my eyes and look down at my desk. I begin ruffling through paper work, sorting through some of the various things my father had ignored while we were away.
"Mother, honestly, we have a lot of work to do and I would prefer starting my week off on a good notion." I give her a fleeting look before grabbing a pen and beginning to skim some paper work for a shipment going out in a few days.
"Look, I just want to make sure my boys are with the right people." Yeah, ok. "So, I've been doing a little, research, if you will."
I raise my eyes off the paper to look at her. I know by her tone that this cannot be good. "Research?"
"You boys have a lot to inherit." She relaxes completely in her chair. Evil is a foot, I can feel it.
"Enough with the cryptic messages, mother, fess up." I place the pen down and fold my hands together. I wonder if some prayers will help me.
She sighs and tosses the envelope onto the desk. I look at it as if it's going to bite me.
"I had those girls followed." Our eyes crash like a car collision.
"You what?"
"I had those girls you and Mark dare to call the love of your lives, followed." She places her hands on the arms of the chair.
"You had Katniss and Lavinia followed? On what grounds? Katniss is an heiress to the Snow fortune, she's obviously not with me for our money. And Lavinia hates the fact that Mark has money." Oh my god. My mother is a psychopath. I hope this is not shit that runs in the family. I hope this is just her own personality defect.
"I need to make sure these girls will not hurt you or Mark."
"You just don't like them. That's the actual crazy part of this. Are you insane?" I hit my desk with the palm of my hand. "You can't hire an investigator to stalk our girlfriends!"
"Peeta Wheaton Mellark, you keep your voice in check in my office!" Her tone is biting and her eyes are narrowed at me.
"It's MY office, mother." I glare back at her.
"Not yet, Peeta." She sneers my name and I can't help but feel a level of genuine animosity towards her. "I think you should take a look at what your little girlfriend was up to while you were away."
"While I was kidnapped." I correct her. I look at the envelope and pick it up, handing it back to her. "I trust Katniss."
She shakes her head and opens the envelope, grabbing a picture from it and throwing it on my desk. She swivels around and begins to march out of the room.
"You're a damn fool then, my son." She slams the door with a shuddering after effect.
I move my eyes from the door to the photo that lies haphazardly on my desk.
My heart stops beating.
"I'm sorry, she did WHAT?" Mark is looking at me as if we're playing cards and I'm trying to bluff a hand. I nod my head slowly, completely void of all emotion. "Oh my god! The fucking lunatic! She finally went around the bend, bat shit, Jeffery Dahmer, crazy!"
My eyes fall to the photo that's been in my hands since I stood up and marched out of the office and came straight home. It's a perfect candid shot, if we were going by any standards that did not involve my own personal standings. Katniss and Gale look the perfect part of a couple. And the kiss is, by image alone, a perfect point of reference for a Nicholas Sparks novel.
I feel the bile rise in my chest.
"What the fuck are you two yelling about?" Rye walks into Mark's room looking like death itself. He's obviously hung over and had probably been sleeping.
I hand him the picture wordlessly.
His hands gently take the side edges, moving it close to his sleepy eyes. It's almost comical, really, how wide his eyes get, his eyebrows almost disappearing into his forehead.
"What the fuck is THIS?"
"Mom had Katniss followed and he caught this on camera. He had Lavinia followed too." My tone is dead. I haven't been able to muster anything but general boredom.
Rye looks at me and then Mark who is hitting his iPhone keypad with vigor.
"Mom hired someone to follow Katniss and Lavinia? Oh, sweet Avengers!" Mark pauses in his typing, as I bring my eyes up, so we can look at Rye. He's looking at the picture. "Dude, did you call her?"
"Who?"
"Katniss!" He holds the picture to show it to me, as if I haven't memorized every detail.
"No."
"What do you mean NO?" He slaps the back of my head. "Call her!"
"Rye, don't hit him! He's the sensitive one!" Mark states, his eyes on his phone.
"Even this buffoon is texting Lavinia to let her know! You're just sitting here? Sulking? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"I'm not texting Lavinia! I'm googling mental hospitals! In England!"
"Why the hell are you sending mom to England? Hello! They have a royal court! You don't want her getting access to THAT!"
I close my eyes, completely tuning out my brothers' voices. I had only been back for a couple of days. I had only seen her on Saturday. Of course she wouldn't tell me about this on Saturday.
And that dress. She looked so gorgeous. She is gorgeous. She looked gorgeous in the photograph.
A sharp pain invades my chest and I scrunch my eyes even tighter together.
Am I allowed to get so upset? I don't even know what happened. I can't get upset until I know what happened. I can't look at her though. I can't look at her without seeing her kissing Gale. I can't even see her in my mind without the image of Gale with her.
"What the hell is going on?" My eyes pop open to see my father standing in Mark's doorway. "I can hear you two from downstairs. Peeta, what are you doing home?"
I stare at him for a hard minute before I feel the sting of tears in my eyes. I stand up abruptly, grabbing the picture from Rye and handing it to my father as I pass him out of the room.
"What's this?" I keep walking down the hall, my eyes closing to release the few corner tears.
"Mom had Katniss and Lavinia followed." Rye's voice fades as I keep walking towards the hidden stairwell. "Katniss was kissing another guy."
His voice completely drowns out as I open the door to the stairwell and then slam it behind me.
July 17th, 2012; Tuesday
I lay in my window bed, staring at the thick curtains. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't get enough rest for even a few hours. My brain morphed images back and forth, drilling my subconscious with lies and unrealistic segments.
I had woken up from twenty minute spiffs, tears rolling down my face from night terrors. Dreams and nightmares alike ranging from Katniss being killed by a ravenous dog, to her and Gale kissing, to me losing her. And if I wasn't dreaming of her I was having nightmares of my mother playing dictator and running a country of frightened victims to her schemes.
It was a cruel drawback to the night terrors. Taking those I loved and morphing them into the things that hurt me the most.
"Peeta?" I don't turn at the sound of Portia's voice. "Honey, do you want me to bring you up some food? It's lunch time."
"I'm not hungry." I was tired. So very, very tired.
"You want me to bring you up your medicine?"
I roll my eyes. It was an anti-anxiety pill that induced sleep. I hated taking them. All they did was cause me to be numb from everything and bring on sleep that I never woke up restful from.
"No. I'm just taking a break." From life.
"You should really talk to her. This is probably just a big misunderstanding."
"Portia, I have the image of the girl I'm fucking in love with, kissing a guy who intimidates me because I think that's what she actually wants, in my head. I can't handle seeing her or hearing her voice or anything. Why? So she can tell me it's over?" My eyes blur the image of the curtains.
"I saw the way she was looking at you Saturday night, baby. That girl does not want this to be over." Portia is sitting at the edge of my window bed. Her hand gently begins stroking my hair. "She loves you, Peeta. She lit up when she saw you had returned from New York. She couldn't keep her eyes off of you the entire night. She's left a few voicemails and some texts on your phone."
I shake my head, moving further into my pillow and quilt.
Portia sighs. "My stubborn boy."
"I can't face it, Portia. I can't let her go." I close my eyes as Portia's fingers run through my hair in an almost maternal way.
"You just need some time. But don't punish her, Peeta. You love her too damn much to punish her." She leans down and kisses the back of my head. "Talk to her. I promise it'll be ok."
And image of Katniss laughing with Gale enters my head. I take a shaky breath as I try and erase the memory, focusing on the comforting feeling of Portia's fingers in my hair.
"Can you hum to me?" I ask timidly, feeling exactly as I had when I was a child, home sick from school.
"Of course."
Flashbacks of Portia brushing the hair from my forehead to place the cool towels and humming to help me sleep to break the fever play across my brain.
I take a deep breath as I'm lulled to sleep.
I stare at my phone as the screen lights up with another text from Katniss. It's close to eight o'clock at night and I feel my stomach twisting into little knots.
Apparently Lavinia had done nothing to merit my mother even saying anything to Mark. Lavinia, on the other hand, had words for everybody. She was always smiling and chipper in front of me, but Lavinia had a healthy set of lungs as she screamed bloody murder at my mother for invading her privacy. Mark had gotten screamed at for no other reason than it was his mother.
At this point, she was our father's wife, because the three of us (Rye, Mark, and me) were not staking claim.
"Hey, Peeta." I look at dad from my position on the couch. I give him a heated look.
"I'm not talking to Katniss and I don't want a god-damn lecture." Between Rye, Portia, and a phone call from Johanna (because of Rye) my cardinal rule for no cursing in front of my dad was def taking a back seat.
"I'm not here to lecture you. I wanted to see how you were feeling. We calmed Lavinia down. She's drinking your mother's prized bottle of pink-wine in the hot tub." He smiles and then sighs when my expression doesn't change.
"This is shit. What she did was shit."
"Your mother?"
"Yes, her. I'm not mad at Katniss, I'm just feeling a lot of things." I shrug. I was mad, but I was also devastated and upset and confused and all I wanted was to see her. But, I couldn't. I was about ninety-seven percent sure that seeing her would break me.
"Peeta, you know, your mother—"
"Do not try and excuse this, dad." I look at him, mustering a glare. "Don't. You always try and excuse her, but it always falls short. I know, it was an arranged marriage, you're in love with Mrs. Everdeen, Mark wasn't a girl, Aunt Daphne had a girl and then she died, I ruined all chances of mom having a girl, and I'm in love with Katniss. Nothing ever goes her way. Well, boo-hoo." My voice is raising and I feel myself wanting to hit something. "All these things could have been spun in her favor. She could have made the best for herself.
"Nothing has ever gone my way, but do I cry about it? Do I ruin other people's lives because of it? No. I made a life in California when she shipped me over there. I work my ass off at the company even though it should be going to Mark or Rye, but they don't want it. I'm constantly running on eggshells so that mom doesn't get the full grasp of how much I really like Katniss, because she has no logical reason to dislike Katniss. But, oh, it's ok, because mom's had a hard life. Please.
"Mom has not had a hard life. Ever. She has always had money. And, fine, Aunt Daphne married Haymitch. They were in love. Oh! But mom had to settle on taking over her sister's duties. Wow, kind of like how I had to take on Mark's duties, right? After he threw a fit he didn't want to get stuck here and deal with Mellark and Son. Rye runs after girls all the time, but he doesn't tell mom about it, so it's fine. I say that I'm so happy Katniss is going to be living with Haymitch, I get shipped to a boarding school across the country. Mom didn't have a daughter, oh, that's so sad, now that her sons are dating and getting to the point of marriage, she can take on these girlfriends as surrogate daughters, or get excited on the prospect of granddaughters, but nope, let's have the girlfriends followed.
"Yeah, dad, mom has lots of excuses. When Mark, Rye, and myself dip out on her one day, and turn our backs, and keep her at arm's length until the day she dies, it'll be our fault, right? Because mom's had a hard life and she was right all along that her sons were ungrateful deviants." I don't bother wiping the anger look off my face, nor do I bother clearing the tears I let spilt. My father stares at me with a confused, impassive look. I stand up and shake my head, turning to see Mark and Rye wide-eyed in the door frame.
My mother is standing directly in front of them, her mouth open and her eyes glassy.
I give her an unforgiving look and shrug.
"Yeah, must be a hard, hard life." I mumble, moving towards the sliding door. "I'll be drinking with Lavinia, in case you want to call the cops and let them know your underage son broke into your liquor cabinet. Oh," I spin around to look at her. A surge of hate and anger are coursing through my body. "I'm tired of making you love me, mother. Enough is enough. Stay out of my life and leave Katniss alone. And when you get a chance, thank Portia for me. While you were busy ruining our lives, she was playing the role of a good mother."
I shake my head and slam the glass door behind me.
Fuck this.
July 18th, 2012; Wednesday
Rye opens his door looking like a zombie. He stares at me for a long minute before rubbing his face and attempting to wake up.
"What's up? What's wrong? It's five in the morning." His voice is filled with sleep.
"I want to go to the boxing ring, get your shit together." My voice is once again dead. I had spent the night in my studio creating dreams and nightmares alike on papers and canvases. The picture of my mother, the one that I loved more than anything, laid with paint across it on the floor. I needed a release.
Rye stares at me before nodding his head and moving to throw on some pants and grab his gym bag that's lying on the floor amongst the piles of clothes, sneakers, and CD cases.
"You're driving." He states, moving past me out into the hall.
"That's fine."
The drive is silent, as is the trip into the gym, into the lockers, and into the boxing ring. It takes us at least twenty minutes to warm up and get use to each other as we throw, block, and move from the hits.
"Your footing is off." Rye states, jumping up and down for a split second. "Did you even sleep?"
I throw a punch, blocking his right hook. "Not one wink."
"Is it the nightmares again? You should call Dr. Aurelius." He dodges my hit, shifting to his back foot.
"I'm fine, Rye, dude, stop dodging and hit!" Rye rolls his eyes but does a fast left hook right hook, both of which I block.
"You're not fine. You went inside your head. And I hate to burst bubble, but you're scary mofo when you let your emotions bubble up." I throw my weight into my hit, almost tripping as Rye shifts back and away from me.
"I'm not letting anything bubble!" I want to punch something so badly and he keeps dodging.
"You need to talk to her!" Rye throws a punch at me but I move aside.
"I will! I just need some time, dammit Rye!" I freeze, my fists trying to close inside the gloves.
"Well, if it isn't the Mellark boys." We both turn to see Marvel and Gale standing outside of the ring. Marvel is giving us a friendly smile while Gale hangs slightly back. I feel my body become locked and ridged.
"Hey Marv, Gale." Rye states, clearing his throat. I can feel his eyes on me, but I can't stop staring at Gale. The image is flashing through my mind like a warning sign.
"Whatcha fellows up to?" Marvel's smile dims as he eyes me. "Is he ok?"
"You kissed her!" I shout, making the few guys and a couple of girls in the boxing area turn to look at us. Gale's eyes go wide. Marvel and Rye turn to stare at Gale. "You kissed her! You know I'm in love with her! You knew! And you kissed her! There's proof, there's physical proof!"
"What do you mean there's proof?" Gale's voice is harsh and uneven.
"Our mom had Katniss and Mark's girlfriend followed while she and Peeta were in New York." Rye clarifies. "We didn't know about it. And there's a picture of you and…" Rye doesn't say Katniss' name.
Gale's eyes go wide before he sighs. "Give me your gloves."
Rye looks at him. "Uh, I don't—"
"Give him your gloves, Rye." I state, my voice authoritative and deadly.
Marvel looks over at Gale. "Dude, you don't know how to box."
"I'm not going to box, Marvel, I'm going to talk."
"You get in this ring and I'm hitting you." I state, my eyes narrowed.
"I figured as much. I'm not planning on really fighting back." Gale gives me a look. "If I saw a photo of my girl kissing a guy, I would have leapt out of the ring and tackled him to the ground. I have to respect that you didn't do that when you saw me."
"You know," Rye's voice slips in from the background. I don't have to look at him to know he's talking to Marvel. "I was having a good sleep."
"Dude, I just wanted to lift weights."
I shake my head and look at Gale who places the boxing gloves up. "Since we both have to be at work in a few hours, I ask that we spare faces. Unless you fired me and then you can do as you please."
I roll my eyes, getting into a boxer's stance. "I'm not firing you, Gale. I want to know what the fuck happened." And then, I throw a punch.
We go back and forth for a minute or two, me throwing hits and Gale trying to block them and side step.
"Nothing happened." He crouches down and away, but as he comes back up I get a good hit to his shoulder. He winces and then throws a hit, catching my side slightly. "She came to my sister's recital. My little sister begged to see Katniss, she babysat her from time to time during the school year."
He jumps out of the way, just as I go to slam into his stomach. We move around each other, both tossing out false throws.
"We were talking. That's it." I hit his shoulder and his hand darts out and hits my ribs. I give him a fowl look. "Dude, I'm not going to fight, fight, but you swing at me, I'm swinging at you."
I roll my eyes and do a quick side step to the left. "Who kissed who?"
"I bent down to kiss her cheek." I throw a hard punch and he blocks it with his glove, wincing slightly at the contact. "Your smart-ass girlfriend thought I was trying to kiss her so she turned her head and it just, we kissed. It was less than five seconds and I promise it had no emotional value." I throw another hard punch, this time catching his shoulder. He shakes it off and side steps, doing a quick right hook to my shoulder. "I don't know what kind of picture you have, but I promise we weren't doing shit behind your back. That girl is head of heels for you."
"She's not, though. She's not." I begin repeating it. I'm not even sure out loud or in my head. Before I know it I'm throwing punches like crazy at Gale, who is doing his best to block, dodge, and stop me.
After about three minutes of all my energy going into punching Gale, I stop and place my hands on my knees. I'm taking large breaths, trying to fill my lungs with air. Rye jumps into the ring as Gale moves from the bar where I cornered him. I know Gale is not going to hit me.
Rye places his hand on my back and squats down. My vision is slightly blurred and my chest feels like it's on fire.
"I don't know what the hell you've heard, but Katniss is completely bat shit crazy head over heels for you." Gale states above me. I can see Rye look up at him and then back at me.
"Peeta has a bit of a problem when it comes to accepting certain things." His voice and his words cause me to close my eyes tightly, my breath still uneven. "He always feels like he doesn't deserve what he wants."
"Yeah, well, he's a better man then the rest of us." Gale tosses the gloves down in front of me. "Katniss would be a real moron not to see that."
I open my eyes to see Gale jumping from the ring and out of the boxing area. A mental image of them kissing, and then the dog attack, and then my mother's face begin to rotate in my mind.
I fall to my knees, wincing as I hit the hard ground. It's all I can do not to collapse.
"Hello, hello." I look up from my desk to see Finnick smiling widely. He walks over and throws himself down in one of the chairs that sit in front of my desk. "What's up? I wanted to see if you wanted to grab lunch." His eyes run over my face. "What the hell happened to you?"
"An emotional car crash." I sigh and lean back in my chair. I grab the photo that is lying face down on my desk. "You knew about this?"
He takes the photo from my hand and turns it over. He stares at it with no real reaction.
"How did you get this?" His tone is dry, his eyes studying the picture.
"My mother." I don't elaborate. Finnick knows. He's the same age as Mark, he's been around longer than everyone else.
"Did you talk to Katniss?" He looks up at me, our eyes meeting.
"Uh, no, not yet. I talked to Gale this morning." Finnick nods slowly.
"How did that go?"
"He told me it was an accident." I sigh and close my eyes. "I know I'm being stubborn. I know that. I just can't help seeing her with him and thinking that she would rather be with him. He would be better for her, you know. None of this bullshit with my mother. She won't have to stay here, in Carriage Point. Deal with the bullshit of the plant or the company or the politics. She could find someone who doesn't have this kind of baggage."
"It's a real shame she wants you though." He places the picture, face down, on the corner of the desk. "You came home with so much confidence. You were going to prove to Katniss she wanted you. Peeta, you didn't even have to try. Madge told me that Katniss was tripping over her words from the moment she saw you that night at the party."
"I don't want her to have to deal with this crazy. I thought," I groan. "I thought it would be easier for her."
"So, wait." Finnick closes his eyes. I look at him with mild awareness. "You have a picture of Katniss kissing another guy, and your concern is that she doesn't deserve to have to deal with your mother."
We look at each other.
"Well, I'm upset too. I mean," I gesture towards the over turned picture. "I'm pissed and angry and I just feel like the lowest of lows. I thought I was enough, but—"
"It was an accidental kiss and I know Katniss feels awful about it. She's probably not telling you because she doesn't know how too. That and you haven't seen her. The girl was hiding in a closet for three days."
"She was hiding in a closet?" I give him a look.
"It's something Katniss does when life or her emotions get the best of her. You know that."
"I know she needs her space."
"Yes, well, her space usually consists of closets and pantries. Cato once caught her hiding in Snow's service elevator after she failed a big test. Haymitch wasn't being funny with his crazy fits line. The girl has legit emotional conquests." Finnick nods his head. "Annie goes into these long day dreams where she's completely lost to the rest of the world. Madge does a crying thing. Glimmer and Delly talk our ears off. It's just something they do. We all have our own vices."
"I just, I can't get the image out of my head."
"Well, I would think not. I would be huddled in a ball sobbing incoherently if I saw a picture of Annie kissing another guy. No matter what kind of kiss it actually was. And kudos to the photographer because that picture captures a kiss that, according to both Katniss and Gale, was awkward and lasted all of five seconds."
"It doesn't look like that."
"Exactly, he has some magic hands that photographer." Finnick shakes his head. "The mature thing, in all of this, would be to call Katniss and see her. You're not going to feel better until you do."
I groan, again, throwing myself into my chair and closing my eyes. "I don't want too. I want to crawl into a hole and hibernate."
"Yes, well, I did say what the mature thing to do would be. Not what you actually wanted to do."
Silence envelopes the room.
"I basically disowned my mother." I say after a few minutes.
"Mazel tov!" Finnick gives me a huge grin. I stare blankly at him.
July 19th, 2012; Thursday
I'm trying to get through some of the work I've been avoiding for the past several days. My mind has been drifting to various things. Finnick had been a supportive enough friend yesterday, taking me to lunch and trying to keep the mood light.
My mother had decided to avoid me at all costs, not even bothering to give me any of the reports herself. Portia had been our go between, smiling and telling me not to worry about a thing.
There's a knock at the door. I sigh and wrinkle my noise. "Yes?" There's a bite to my words. I just want to be left alone.
"Peeta," Portia's voice enters my office and I look up to see Katniss poking her head behind her. My heart begins to beat erratically. "Katniss is here to see you, darling."
"Send her in." I clear my throat, trying to focus on anything but the girl standing outside my office.
"It's ok, go on in." I hear Portia state before gently shutting the door. I inwardly sigh and look up at her, meeting her gray eyes. My heart continues to beat quickly as I take in her face, trying to erase the image of Gale's lips on hers or the way her eyes were fluttered shut.
"Hey." I don't have it in me to hide my tone or to even seem half alive to her. I must look like shit. The perks of not sleeping.
"Peeta, what the hell happened?" Her tone is saturated in worry. She takes a step forward. I can see her resisting the urge to run over to me. "Are you ok?"
Am I ok? Well. No. I'm not. I'm completely broken. I stare at here for what feels like an eternity.
"Yeah, I'm ok." I get up, moving closer to her. Her scent moves over me and the air becomes thick and heavy, too heavy to breath almost. Her face is lifted, her eyes searching my face for answers I can't give her.
A strand of hair wisps over her cheek. I bring my hand up, pausing it slightly before brushing the hair back, cupping her warm skin in my hand. I feel my walls breaking.
"Do," I sigh and close my eyes, taking in her warmth. Should I give her an easy out? Ask her if she wants to tell me something. What if she's still scared? What if she tells me no, she has nothing to say? What if? I open my eyes and look down at her. "Why are you here?"
"You weren't answering or returning my calls. I got confused and worried." Her words stab me. I should have answered them. I should have called her back. I should have told her. She moves closer to me, taking whatever breathable air I have left and filling it with something too heavy. "You're not ok. What's wrong?" Her voice is frantic, her eyes moving back and forth, trying to read me. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world. How could I cause her pain?
My mind conjures the photograph.
I take a deep breath, staring at her before leaning down and kissing her. She responds immediately, her body molding into mine as her hands move to my jaw line. A bolt of electricity ignites in my body, spreading through my veins like blood.
I'm suddenly deepening the kiss, trying desperately to erase Gale from her. Begging for her taste, her love, her body. She does not disappoint me as she crushes herself even closer to me, her curves moving along my body with a grace that elates an immediate response from me.
I inwardly moan, not wanting to ruin the moment as I tip my weight into her, moving us so that I have her against the door of my office. She tastes like heaven as I maneuver myself into her. My hand moves to corner her against the door as my other hands darts under her top and rests on her waist, above her jeans. Her skin is soft and smooth, sending an overbearing heat through me.
She arches her hips into me and I feel like flying. I deepen the kiss even further, unsatisfied that I can't feel her everywhere against me. I'm needy and callous and I don't want to let go. I can't let go.
She moans and the image of her with Gale, the thought she moaned to him, though I know she didn't, over powers me and I heave myself from her suddenly.
I crash with her wide gray eyes, only to close mine. My chest explodes in anger, at her, at Gale, mostly at myself.
"What? What is it?" She lifts my chin, forcing me to look at her. I have a vague realization that I know how the Beast felt from Beauty and the Beast. "Peeta—"
"I know about the kiss." I cut her off, my heart pounding against my ribs. She drops her hands from my face. "I know it was an accident or whatever or something." I shake my head, stumbling over the words. I feel the bubbling of my emotions. "I know you didn't mean too, that Gale didn't mean too. I know." I'm trying to make her understand, to realize what I've been going through. She nods slowly and I feel a thousand tiny stabs to my chest. "But, god dammit Katniss!" I move away from her, cursing my temper. "Why didn't you tell me?"
I ignore that I didn't give her a chance. That her not telling me is as much my fault as anyone's.
"I don't know. I wanted too, I was scared. I don't," she looks dumbfounded and confused. Tears are springing to her eyes and I feel my resolve slipping. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean too." She swallows back a sob and my chest concaves in. I move to go to her, but freeze instantly. "I didn't feel anything. I just, I wanted you home and…"
She trails off and I can't do anything to suggest that it's ok. That all of this is ok and we can pretend it never happened. I could, I could pretend it never happened. I could erase her pain and take it as my own. I don't want her to cry. This is stupid, so stupid.
I feel something inside me crack and I take a withered breath. It burns my throat.
"I know." I state, turning and running my hand down my face. "I need a few days." I just need time to breathe.
"Do you still want me?" I spin around at the weak tone of her voice, mentally slapping myself as I see her wince from my abrupt movements.
"Of course I still want you, Katniss. I just need some time to take everything in and," I can feel how frantic I really am. My mother's voice suddenly enters my head, of being a damn fool and being exactly like my father, and seeing Katniss and Gale. "To get her voice out of my head. And the image, fucking—" I turn and kick the coffee table that sits in my office. I stare at it for an anger second.
"It was barely a kiss, it's not image worthy." She jumps forward, trying to down play a kiss that meant nothing. Had I not seen the picture. I could believe her. I think I could have even over looked the entire thing.
I walk over to my desk and grab the photo, face down. I turn and give it to her wordlessly.
"I need a few days to just, figure everything out, ok? Please?" She closes her eyes and opens them, giving her tears a release to fall across her cheeks. I feel like scum. "I need to figure out what I feel and what I want to do."
"It was a stupid kiss, not even a kiss. I'm sorry." Her voice is like a knife.
I lean forward, gently easing her from the office. I kiss her head.
"I know." She looks at me and then at the photo as I gently shut the door. I slide down it, placing my head between my knees. I wince as her sob rumbles through the door.
I close my eyes and rest them as her gasp filters like a summer breeze.
I stay seated against my office door long after her footsteps have faded down the hall.
July 22st, 2012; Sunday
"It's been three days. You need to leave the house." Mark is sitting outside of studio door. He's been sitting out there for almost forty-five minutes.
I've been locked in here for the last few days.
"Mark, go away."
Delly had come over, only to leave wordlessly after I snapped at her. Finnick had popped over yesterday and jimmied the lock and hoisted me into the shower. Madge had texted me a few times to see if I was ok. My mother and father were in Maryland doing some odds and ends for the plant. Rye and Mark were real soldiers concerning me.
I felt and looked like shit, however.
"You can go talk to her. You didn't ruin anything." I roll my eyes, leaning close to the canvas I'm working on. "It must be nice, you know, both you and Katniss being emotionally damaged. Now you two can be emotionally damaged together!" I pause and look over my shoulder, rolling my eyes and sneering at the door. "I mean, it doesn't say much for your future children."
"MARK!"
"Too soon?"
"MARK! SHUT UP!"
"Lavinia forgave me! There's hope for you and Katniss!" In Lavinia's defense, she ran around the backyard (drunk), trying to beat Mark with the wine bottle. I know, I was there. Drinking the other wine bottle.
"Peeta, there's someone here to see you." Rye's voice enters the studio. I know they have to be shouting because the studio, save for right where the door is, is ninety-five percent sound proof.
"I'm not home!" I shout back, easing myself back to my canvas.
I hear the lock being tampered with. Great. It's Finnick.
"There you go." I turn to see Rye and Mark staring at Finnick (who's smiling like a fiend) and Cato, who is looking at me with sad eyes.
"Hey." Cato walks forward, only to freeze as Mark and Rye both put out their arms. Cato looks at them.
"He doesn't let anyone in the studio." Rye clarifies. Cato nods his head slowly.
"It's fine. He can come in." I sigh and place my brush down, standing from my stool. I turn and pause, looking at Mark and Rye who are pouting. "Guys, seriously?"
Cato moves into the room, shutting the door behind him.
"What about ME?" Cato and I both roll our eyes at Finnick's voice.
"What do I owe the pleasure?" I ask, eyeing him. I move around, beginning to pick up the tossed canvases.
"You did all of these?" He walks over to the wall, looking at the paintings in much the same fashion as Katniss had.
"Uh, yeah." I shrug as he looks at me in shock. "Is everything ok?"
He doesn't answer me right away. He moves to the left of the room squatting down to look at a painting of Katniss I had done last night or the night before. My days were blurring together at this point.
"She looks gorgeous in this. Like a real girl." I roll my eyes.
"She is a real girl, Cato. We just see her differently I guess." He looks at me and nods. "Why are you here?"
"I need your help. Katniss is going to kill me when she finds out I'm here, but, Finnick told you about the closets and stuff, right?" I nod my head. "Well, Katniss was doing decently, you know, giving you space and really thinking about what you meant to her and whatever girls think about, you know." He gestures to the air. "Snow is out of town so Katniss is hiding out there, too many questions at home, we all know the drill. Well, yesterday she went crazy, straight up crazy, babbling about how she realized something, what I don't know, she won't tell me. And now she's curled in a ball in Snow's bathroom cupboard. Which, by the way, it took Finnick and I almost three hours to find her. Apparently she wanted a new hiding place no one knew about. Her mom lived in a rocking chair for like six months and Haymitch drinks himself into a stupor every now and then, so, really, this is pretty normal."
I'm staring at Cato with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, anyway, digressing, I was hoping you could get her out. Finnick and I can't. We pulled her out and both have marks on our arms from her fighting back."
My heart begins beating abnormally.
"She wouldn't tell you what she realized?"
Cato pops his lips. "Uh, no, but whatever it is, it has to be pretty big for Katniss to go ninja crazy on us."
"She's not crazy." I state moving out of the studio.
"I don't think you should be making calls like that 'til you see her, dude."
I'm staring at Katniss sitting in the bathroom cupboard with her knees drawn into her. She's snoring lightly, unaware that Finnick, Cato, and myself are in the bathroom.
"How can she sleep like that?" I ask.
"She can always sleep. Katniss has two great loves, food and sleep. Not many things get between her and those two things." Finnick nods.
I sigh and kneel down. She looks healthy. Her face is still round, her eyes have no bags under them, and she smells fresh and clean. I run my fingers over her face.
Her eyes flutter open and then go completely wide.
"Hey," I state quietly, my heart thumping dangerously hard against my chest. I strain to keep down the image of her and Gale, as well as the voice of my crazy mother.
Katniss looks completely angelic in her curled little ball.
"Peeta?" Her voice is hoarse. "I'm so, so sorry." And with that she starts crying hysterically.
My entire system shuts down as her sobs cause my own eyes to tear up.
"She's been crying so much over the past few days you can't even tell anymore." Cato states to Finnick. "She looks so put together. Madge says that's normal. If you cry for long enough, it gets harder and harder to tell."
I ignore them and gently bring her out of the cupboard and into my arms.
"Where's her bedroom?" I ask. I stand up and follow Cato and Finnick down the large hall. They open the door and I walk into this mosh pit of clothes, pillows, stuffed animals, shoes, purses, magazines, and movies.
I can't help but smirk because I would expect nothing less from her.
I lay her down on the bed, moving to lay down with her. I feel torn in a million ways, but I can't help but feel the safest in this moment then I had the entire time I was locked away in my studio.
I had conquered enough of my doubts to not want to cry hysterically by simply looking at her.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." She's clinging on to my shirt and I hold her tightly. I hear the door shut and I look over to see Cato and Finnick have disappeared.
I sigh and begin kissing her forehead, her cheeks, her hair.
"It's ok, it's ok. I know. I'm sorry too." I mumble it like a mantra into her ear. "I should have given you a chance, I should have—"
"I wouldn't have told you." She sobs harder and I feel the knife twist. "I wouldn't have. It was so stupid and didn't mean anything, I wouldn't hurt you over something so stupid."
Well, that at least answers one question I had.
"It's ok, Katniss." I lift her chin and look at her. I can't stand to see her in so much pain. "I still shouldn't have pushed you away like that."
"I would have! I would have pushed you away if I saw a picture of you and Delly. I would have killed you! You still wanted me!" She sobs and closes her eyes, pushing my hand away so she can bury her face in my chest. "You're too good, Peeta. You're too good. And I'm selfish and a mess."
"I think you're amazing." I mumble into her hair, breathing in the sweet scent of apples from her shampoo.
"Then you're an idiot!" She sobs.
Well, I can't really argue with that. That's been a general consensus, especially when it comes to matters like Katniss.
"I'm still sorry. I was just caught up in the picture and that you wanted to be with Gale or someone like Gale. An easier relationship."
Her sobs become hysterical, her hands clinging to me tightly. "I don't want Gale! I don't want anyone but you!"
I close my eyes, holding her tightly. "Katniss—"
"I kept thinking that I would be ok if you left me." She looks up at me, "and then I realized that I wouldn't be. And it's the stupidest thing on the planet because I don't know you the way I know Gale or Cato or Finnick. It's only been a short time. It's not enough time."
I'm looking at her confused. "What are you talking about?"
She looks at me and then looks away quickly. I try to catch her eyes but she won't meet mine.
"Katniss, what's going on? What?"
"I don't know if I can do this." She whispers, her breathing erratic.
"Do what?" I feel my stomach twist.
"Be with you."
Tears spring to my eyes and my chest constricts painfully.
She closes her eyes and presses herself into me tightly. I can't help my arms as they hold her as if she's going to disappear. I would give anything to take back the last two weeks. To give them back and do it differently.
I can't let her go.
I let out a shattered breath. "Why?"
She takes a deep breath and my heart stops. "Because I love you."