Ask Peeves:

Two Trivial Advice Questions and a Rant From a Psychopath

Well, at least two people are asking advice questions. (If you dullards remember, I've had a problem with people asking non-advice questions in the past.) The problem is that the questions are asking for advice on trivial and meaningless things that they could easily figure out for themselves. (I'm especially referring to the first question. What a dumbass.)

Then, of course, I have a rant from some psychopathic kid. That's one thing that never changes.

If you want to kick any of these fucktards' asses for me, go right ahead. I already have enough morons to deal with.

Hey, Peeves,

how should I wear my hair, braided or in a bun?

--iwishiwereathogwarts

You Wish--

Who cares? But since you seem to be incapable of making minor decisions, I think I'll solve your huge problem by simply shaving your goddamn head. Actually, like I mentioned above, I would gladly allow anyone else to do it for me. I already have made plans to murder a few people today, and this would really slow down my plans.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

Do you think it is good to have pets? If so, which is the most practical for students at Boarding School?

--ctc

Ctc--

As long as you don't get a cat that looks like a small tiger, I really don't give a shit.

--Peeves


Loser:

Where does your goddamn ass-sucking boss live? Because I need to go kick his/her fucking ass for hiring you. Plus I just want to kick someone's ass soon. Maybe in the will she will leave all her fucking money to you so you can finally quit this shitty job you have (that you keep complaining about) and still live nicely. And I agree, the Weasleys are mother-fucking bastards. So here's my real advice question: Which is the most painful way to kill someone

a. Summon their heart
b. Drop them off a 50-ft high tower
c. Crucio then Avada Kedavra

Please respond ASAP WITH your boss' home address please. Or I could go after you. Thank you, have a shitty day.

--Miss Assasin

P.S. I AM A GIRL, NOT ONE OF THE MOTHER-FUCKING MALFOYS OR THE BIG-BAD FUCKING VOLDEMORT! I'M A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL AT HOGWARTS!

P.P.S. Anyone who doubts me is a goddamn mother-fucking bastard and is next on my hit list.

P.P.P.S. I hate you, Gryffindors.

Miss Ass--

If you hate me so much, why don't you go after me instead of trying to get my boss first? Because you're a pussy who knows that I'd kick your poser ass all the way to the fucking moon? I think so.

In response to your third option for killing someone: It would be more painful to kill the person using only the Cruciatus Curse, not stopping after a while and using the quick, virtually painless Avada Kedavra to kill them, you imbecile.

--Peeves

P.S. HEY, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? I CAN TYPE IN ALL CAPS TOO!

P.P.S. I'm on your next hit list! I'm so damn scared!

P.P.P.S. I hate you, Miss Ass.