"HAIL VILLAGER... HAIL VILLAGER..."
Dr. Mario's eyes widened as he saw the dark angel for himself. "What's wrong with him?!"
Palutena bit her lip. "I have no idea... I was talking to him and he fainted for some reason, but then a few moments later he started spewing all this Villager nonsense..."
"THE VILLAGER IS THE TRUE AND ONLY GOD," Dark Pit intoned. He twisted and pointed at Palutena, staring with blank eyes. "THERE IS NO PALUTENA. ONLY THE VILLAGER."
"See?" the goddess said. "And all this time I thought I actually existed!"
Dr. Mario scratched his mustache. A muffin crumb fell out. "Well, there's not much I can do to help you... except maybe tranquilize him. I do love drugs..."
"Ah, no. I don't think that'll be necessary."
"NOTHING IS REAL. ONLY THE VILLAGER. HAIL VILLAGER. HAIL VILLAGER. HAIL VILLAGER" Dark Pit droned.
"Actually..." Palutena mused, "maybe you should put him to sleep."
The doctor's eyes lit up with a chaotic glint. "Ooh, excellent..." he said, procuring a needle from one of his many pockets. "I'd love to." He jabbed the needle into Dark Pit's arm, pushing the plunger in while giggling insanely. Dark Pit fell backwards, unconscious. Sadly, the waterfall of Villager worship did not cease.
"HAIL VILLAGER" the dark angel still said in an increasingly loud monotone.
"Well, that didn't work," Dr. Mario said, suddenly sane again. He shrugged. "I tried."
Palutena sighed in despair. "Thanks, I guess. Looks like the only option left is to find Pit... if only I could."
XXX
At this point, Pit had achieved almost perfect equilibrium with the Villager.
However, the author is tragically too lazy to write down all the corrupted, twisted thoughts that were being fed into Pit's mind.
XXX
"You want me to punch you into outer space?!" Little Mac gaped in disbelief.
"Yes..." Palutena sighed. "According to the Laws of Illogical Logic, Amendment 666, 'Thou who art punchedeth into outer space with the same amount of force, from the same location, shall land in the same location.' Stupid rule, I know. But it's our rule. And I have to find Pit."
"All right then..." Little Mac said, although he was still unsure as to why the "all-powerful goddess" couldn't find Pit for herself or just teleport to him. "Wait, I gotta get mad first so I can-" Little Mac imitated his coach's voice "'-fill up the power meter!' And then KO! Yeah!"
Lucky for Little Mac, making fun of people and angering them was Palutena's area of expertise. She bent down as if she were talking to a very small child. She put on her most infuriating smirk and said in her most infuriating voice, "I see why they call you Little Mac."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Little Mac screamed. His KO meter instantly filled up. The boxer rushed at the goddess and uppercuted her with all the force of a raging Ike as the KO bell rang and flames erupted everywhere. Palutena was KO'd at once and crashed through the newly-repaired ceiling. ROB sat down in a corner and cried.
Thanks! And remember, you didn't see or hear anything. Palutena telepathically sent Little Mac the message as she launched through the stratosphere.
The goddess almost crashed into a few asteroids and a ship from which she heard a "DO A BARREL ROLL!" After a few seconds, she landed on a barren planet.
"Whew, that was quick!" she said to herself, dusting her dress off.
She summoned her staff. "Now to get Pit. Good thing I know exactly how to make him come here..."
XXX
There was reason I said "ALMOST perfect equilibrium with the Villager" in that earlier part. Yes, that's because Pit's equilibrium with the Villager was not completely perfect. In his thoughts, food reigned supreme, second only to his goddess. Food was lifeblood, and in some remote corner of his mind, he craved it. He craved that floor ice cream. (He would even climb a 90-degree mountainside to get to it...)
VILLAGER VILLAGER VILLAGER VILLAGER "...i'm kinda hungry..." VILLAGER VILLAGER VILLAGER "flooricecream?mmm..." VILLAGER VILLAGER VILLAGER VILLAGER "hey... food is more important!" VILLAGER IS ALL VILLAGER HAIL VILLAGER "wait a sec..." VILLAGER HAS NO TIME TO WAIT VILLAGER IS NOW VILLAGER IS ALL HAIL YOUR TRUE GOD "...do i hear lady palutena? but i thought she didn't exist!" YES THERE IS NO PALUTENA ONLY VILLAGER
Pit was in fact hearing the voice of his beloved goddess calling out to him. "HEY PIIIIIIIT! I HAVE ICE CREAM! COME HERE IF YOU WANT SOME! It's even on the floor..."
Pit blinked in confusion. "that is lady palutena! but-" VILLAGER IS THE ONLY GOD. PALUTENA DOES NOT EXIST. YOU DO NOT KNOW HER NAME THERE ARE NO GODS EXCEPT VILLAGER
"hey... shut up! lady palutena does exist" SHE DOES NOT THERE IS ONLY THE VILLAGER "yeah she does! who's calling out floor ice cream then?" YOU ARE HEARING THINGS THERE IS NOTHING EXCEPT THE VILLAGER "mmhm... now be quiet. i'm hungry."
Pit snapped out of his confusion and broke apart from the masses of Villager-slaves, embarking on an epic journey to find floor ice cream, the most sacred treasure of angelkind (meaning only him). "Lady Palutena? Do you have ice cream for real?"
Palutena's voice resounded in the distance. "Oh, Pit! Thank the me's!" her voice called faintly. "I thought I'd never find you! ...Actually, where are you?"
Pit found the goddess milling around on the outskirts of the Villager-topia. "Lady Palutena!" he said.
"Pit!" she cried in relief, running at him with ice cream cone in hand. However, she quickly became confused. There, right in front of her, was a small bird villager who clearly carried the spirit (and scent) of her angel...
"ICE CREAM!" Pit yelled in triumph, snatching the ice cream from Palutena and wolfing it down in three seconds. With his craving satiated, he lost all independent will and went back to being a mindless slave of the Villager-brainwash. "HAIL VILLAGER," he droned aloud.
Palutena shook her head, smiling. "Yup, that's definitely Pit... No one can eat an entire ice cream that fast without getting a brain freeze. Looks like the Villager got to you, huh?"
"Why yes, I did," said a sinister voice from behind the goddess.
Palutena looked over her shoulder to find- who else? The Villager, standing there all smug in his weird cult robes. His face was concealed by his hood, but Palutena could tell it was the Villager.
"I knew I'd find you somewhere here," she said. She casually flicked her wrist at him. "Power of caging."
Bars of light appeared around the startled Villager, solidifying into pure gold and trapping him. "What? NO!" the Villager screamed, lunging at the side of the cage. "PATHETIC, LESSER BEING! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO A GOD?!"
Palutena scoffed. "I think you're forgetting who the real goddess is here. Now, tell me what you did to Pit or your Villager city gets it!" She raised her staff menacingly, pointing it at the shining buildings and rows of animal villagers.
The Villager bared his teeth and let loose a guttural scream, glaring at the goddess with furious hatred.
"TELL ME." Palutena raised her staff just a little higher.
"ARGHHH! All right, all right! Filthy goddess..." the Villager seethed, clawing at his hair. He clapped his hands, causing a black portal to form in the ground in front of him. "I have your precious little slave."
The very familiar form of a very familiar angel popped out of the portal, lying without movement on the cold floor. It looked, for all the world, dead.
"Pit?!" Palutena rushed to the body and cradled it in her arms. She scowled at the Villager. "What have you done? Undo it! Now!"
The Villager laughed harshly. "Just some simple spirit-stealing..." he chuckled, waving his hand at the bird villager that was Pit. Palutena watched as the bird villager collapsed to the floor and a bright white sphere floated out of it. The sphere drifted back into Pit's body. His eyes shot open, revealing sparkling blue irises. He blinked slowly, focusing on Palutena's face.
"HAIL VILLAGER," he said.
Palutena jumped in fright. "What?" She pointed her staff directly at the Villager. "You know what? I've had enough of your tricks. You're coming back to the mansion with me!"
She waved her staff at the Villager's cage. With her free hand, she collected Pit's limp body. In a burst of light and ethereal feathers, goddess, angel, and Villager disappeared.
XXX
Ugh... why is no one coming? Palutena internally cried in despair as she rang the mansion doorbell for the eighth time. Normally she would have blasted through with her godly powers, but they were restricted in the Smash world and Master Hand had specifically posted a rule that no smasher, on any grounds, was allowed to blast through the door if no one answered. (Don't ask.)
Ike finally answered. "Are you the pizza man?" he said, squinting at Palutena and her cargo of a brainwashed angel and a golden cage with a very angry Villager in it. "Is it chicken pizza." He pointed at Pit. "Is that a chicken. Can I eat it?"
"Finally!" Palutena rushed into the mansion before Ike could realize that no, she didn't have any pizza, and Pit was in fact not edible. (That she found out from trial-and-error. Please, just don't ask.)
"Pizza?" Ike said to no one in particular.
"MASTER HAND! LUCARIO! MEWTWO! DR. MARIO!" Palutena shouted at the top of her lungs and mind. Can you shout with your mind?
Mewtwo was the first to respond. It warped into the room. The goddess. What do you want?
Lucario came in shortly after, but had a mini panic attack when he caught sight of Mewtwo. Um... don't kill me? Lucario whimpered. Mewtwo only glared at him.
"Thank you," Palutena said a bit more forcefully than needed. "Okay, so. I got Pit back, and the Villager, but the problem is there's something wrong with Pit. All he does is keep saying 'HAIL VILLAGER' over and over. I would try to do something myself, but I'm still blocked out of his mind. Maybe you two will be able to get in..."
Us... TWO? Lucario repeated, casting a fearful glance at Mewtwo.
The psychic Pokemon rolled its eyes in exasperation. Fine, I shall at least attempt to work with this sniveling fool. By the way, Dr. Mario is still tending to the dark one. He showed signs of independent thought earlier.
"Really?" Palutena asked. "What happened?"
Oh, I didn't see it, but I heard it. He started writhing and screaming "MAKE IT STOP" and "THAT IDIOT BASTARD." Dr. Mario finally got him to be quiet after Ganondorf helped knock him unconscious.
"Oh dear... that sounds quite extreme."
No more than the situation called for. Anyway, I must- ah... where has that whining pup gone? Mewtwo grumbled, looking around for Lucario. The aura Pokemon was nowhere to be seen. Bah! Ridiculous... I can do this myself. Hand over the boy.
Mewtwo stalked away, levitating Pit's body beside it. Palutena sighed. Hopefully Mewtwo, the most powerful Pokemon ever, could sort this out? And if he couldn't... well, Palutena didn't want to think about that.
Now all that was left was to hand in the Villager to Master Hand (she was crossing her fingers for a death sentence) and to pray. Wait... could a goddess pray?
XXX
Palutena didn't get any sleep that night. The next morning, Mewtwo called her. The Pokemon sounded uncharacteristically urgent.
Come now.
The goddess blearily warped herself to Mewtwo's room. "What is it...?" she yawned.
I finally fixed him... but there's one problem.
"What is it?"
He's stupid.
XXX
AN: I'm so sorry, Pit! (Yet I'm not sorry at all...)
To the Guest who reviewed last chapter and said "OI! THERE'S NO IKE!" in all caps: Don't worry, what I'm doing to Pit is important if anyone ever wants to find out why Ike is taking so long to get smart again... *demonic laughter* *coughs* *chokes* *dies*
So, I finally got Smash Bros for Wii U! I was incredibly disappointed at Ike... despite becoming buffer, he seems to be weaker! Maybe because he had his spirit crushed by Little Mac's all-powerful power... Good thing I don't use Ike much anyway. I'm still re-learning how to use Pit... and Dark Pit, because he's a clone. sad :/
My siblings and I went on the Great Cave Offensive as Wii Fit Trainers in 3-v-5 and camped out the whole time while Deep Breathing... we won. The CPUs kept incinerating themselves...
I also got a Link amiibo! I made him the Fierce Deity color. Then I crushed him utterly in a battle. (Don't worry, it was for a good cause.)