The Heart Spoke of No Sin – Chapter 20

Merlin lay awake all night after Gwaine had left; thinking of the morning and all it would bring. He heard Gaius enter the chambers just as the sun rose and knew then that the first of the day's painful encounters could no longer be put off. He sighed and covered his eyes for a moment trying to pretend that the sun had not risen and he could hide away for just another precious moment. Facing Gaius would be incredibly difficult; but after that came Dera and, worst of all, Arthur.

He got off the bed, where he had been lying for what seemed like an eternity, and put his hand out to open the door. There he paused, trying to delay the inevitable moment when he had to face what he had done. But he knew he needed to see Gaius, he had to apologise and hope that his oldest friend and confidant would understand.

As he opened the door he came face to face with Gaius, who had been walking up the small stone steps to his room. Both men froze as all the painful events of the past days ran through their minds. Merlin's eyes filled with tears and his head slumped forward, unable to meet Gaius's gaze. He knew that he had been vicious; he had hurt the person to whom he owed so much and he did not deserve forgiveness. Nothing could put this right, ever. He would just say sorry and then pack up and leave. Gaius should not have to put up with seeing him...

A pair of arms embraced Merlin and held onto him so tightly that for a moment he could hardly breathe, as a voice spoke quietly into his ear. All thoughts of leaving fled as he realised that it was Gaius who was hugging him; Gaius who was speaking.

"Merlin, my boy, my boy. It's all okay. I know what happened, I understand. You have nothing to seek forgiveness for. You are back with us now and we will put all this behind us."

"Gaius" Merlin managed to say that one word before the tears really began to fall and he was rendered unable to speak. Finally hugging his mentor back Merlin broke down and wept; overcome by all the feelings and emotions that he had been trying to hold at bay. Here, held by the old man who had come to mean so much to him, he finally felt safe enough to give in to his sorrow.

As he held the weeping warlock Gaius too cried. He cried for the things he had been through but most of all he cried for the pain and suffering of the boy falling apart in front of him. All he could do was to try and comfort him.

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"So Gwaine knows?"

Merlin nodded silently, his head resting on his arms as he slouched down over the table, a small untouched breakfast in front of him.

Gaius ate a bit of bread, more for something to do than out of hunger. It was hard to believe that the time for the truth to be revealed was coming; but there seemed no way out of the situation. Merlin and he had filled each other in on all that had happened and now there was little to do but to think where to go from here.

"I know I should go and see Arthur but..." Merlin paused, unable to put his fears into words. The meeting with Arthur would decide the rest of his life. Execution or forgiveness? Exile or acceptance?

Gaius watched the look on Merlin's face and sighed quietly. He saw the pain, indecision and frankly fear reflected in the young man's eyes and knew there was little he could do to help. The things Merlin was dreading need to be faced and all the old man could do was be there to help his ward deal with the consequences.

"Perhaps it would be wise to speak to Dera first" the Physician said quietly.

Gaius had heard of Dera's possession and that the evil he had sensed in her had been magically induced. "Perhaps," he thought to himself, "perhaps she is the one who can give Merlin the comfort I cannot."

"If she truly loves you Merlin" the old man continued aloud "then any punishment you may receive from Arthur may not seem so bad." At the word "punishment" Merlin visibly flinched and Gaius felt awful "I do not know what will happen Merlin; though if the truth be known I cannot believe he will execute you, despite your fears" Silently the old man prayed that this was true. "I hope with all my heart he will understand and learn to believe that all you have done has been for him alone. But if he does not, at least at first, understand; if he banishes you, then maybe there would be a future for you away from here, with Dera. You need to find out what her feelings are first so you can deal with Arthur's response."

Merlin stared at his mentor and took in his words. Just hearing Gaius speak of execution and exile had shaken him to the core. That Gaius thought either of those was a possibility (no matter how remote) just made them seem so much more likely to the distraught warlock. He reached out his left hand to clasp his right one, which was gently trembling as his emotions sought a physical outlet.

"Merlin" Gaius called his name again, concerned by the trembling and the absent look on the young man's face and fearing an after effect of the spell he had been under "Merlin, my boy."

The warlock forced his mind back to the present situation and gave Gaius a small smile. It was a shadow of his normal beaming one, but its presence was welcome to the aged man as he could see the real Merlin behind it; not the cruel imposter who had taken his place so recently.

"You are right Gaius, of course you are. I need to speak to Dera, I need to know if any of what we felt was real" Merlin lowered his eyes. He found talking of his true emotions so difficult, even to Gaius. Having had to hide so many of his feelings and so much of his true self during his life it had become almost second nature to him. To be open with such a personal issue was hard but he felt he owed Gaius this honesty. "I never believed I would...after Freya...well, it never seemed my destiny. I am not sure I can believe I would be so lucky twice. I am not sure I deserve..."

"Merlin" Gaius interjected firmly "If you are about to say you are not sure you deserve to be loved then you can stop right now. I will not listen to such a thing. I know of no-one who deserves it more and I am hoping with all my heart that you have found what you need with Dera. Just go and find out; then we'll deal with Arthur."

Merlin nodded once, overwhelmed with gratitude for the love and loyalty he felt from Gaius. Just knowing that the old man believed in him gave the warlock the strength he needed to rise from the table and walk towards the door. As his hand reached out for the handle Merlin felt a gentle touch on his shoulder and he turned around only to be engulfed once again in a warm, all enveloping hug. It lasted a few moments then he and Gaius broke apart. An exchange of smiles, a last touch on the arm and without words the nervous warlock left the chamber, walking down the corridor to face whatever the future decided.

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