AN: Hey people look you don't have to wait a month for this chapter... though it is a big gloomy.

Ch. 21

"I am prepared to die, but there is no cause for which I am prepared to kill."

Mahatma Gandhi

Shepard hasn't talked to me since... since she beat me into the ground verbally. I don't blame her but it hurts seeing her walk by... seeing her give me the cold shoulder... Why do I always give people the wrong idea about what I mean? I could ask someone for the time and make them think I want to kill them.

I don't even know what I meant to say... I… I never know what I mean until the words leave and I'm left there alienating someone important to me…

"Operative Doe, Shepard would like to see you in the conference room." EDI's nearby avatar informs me. I glance over to the elevator. Great... I'm probably gonna get chewed out more. Maybe she'll insult my haircut... It's just sort of trimmed, no real style.

"Shepard..." I glance at EDI whose still just floating there. "All right..." I hit the button on the elevator. I know I'm going to regret this. The door opens and... nothing. No music, no random funny thought... no internal monologue. Nothing.

The door opens to the CIC and... nothing. It's just a room now... a room I killed a woman in with my bare hands. I spot a crew member shoot me a quick dirty look... I've seen it. I keep catching looks like that, looks that say one simple thing... "Monster." I don't know why, but I can think of multiple reasons. I don't really care either. Not anymore.

I walk reluctantly into the armor, and even more reluctantly into the hall leading to the Conference Room. Inside waiting for me is Shepard, Garrus and Jack. I nod to Garrus and give a small wave to Jack... Shepard I don't greet I just stand at attention in front of her.

"A colony just went silent..." I know this mission. This is the one where we meet the Collectors kick their collective asses and get chewed out by Ashley.

"I'll be waiting in the shuttle." I turn and head out before Shepard can say another word. I know what I need to know. I can do what I need to do... I just can't talk to her right now. I'll shoot what she wants me to but... until I can actually respond to what she said I... I'm gonna be a robot or as close as I can manage until then. I go to Mordin's lab first before the armory.

"Mordin whatever countermeasure you developed have it put in my armor first." I walk out as suddenly as I walked in and head back over to the armory. The door opens next to me. It's Shepard, "Mordin's got something to tell you." I continue walking. I can feel her eyes on my back... I know she wants to say something... I hope she does... but no... She doesn't say anything to me. So I'll return the gesture… despite how far in the wrong I know I am… I just cant…

I get my guns out and ready. Two Phalanx pistols, two Locust SMGs, an Incisor Sniper Rifle, and my huge krogan knife. The Phalanx's are in dual side holsters down lower on my thighs, while the SMGs hang around my waist, the knife I decided to wear around my waist as well, and the sniper rifle hangs off my back. I lay out the guns, since Mordin has yet to give me the countermeasures. I look at my weapons more closely than usual. My gaze hangs over my knife... my memento of a krogan that nearly killed me, Tali and Zaeed. He was a big tough bastard... glad he's dead now.

Why? Not the dead krogan but… why do I see these items… these little pieces of death so nonchalantly… have I lost my respect for them? For what they do? Am I… treating them like toys… and that statement I'm glad the krogan's dead… that… actually I don't feel that bad about that particular statement... I'm very glad the krogan's dead… I'd even dance on his grave if I know where it was.

I begin to gather the pieces of my armor. First piece was a black under-suit that was similar to light armor, next was the padding of the strange material that covers my chest... it wasn't exactly metal, it felt spongy like Nerf stuff, but hey it's taken a direct hit from an explosion and it's still in one piece. My forearm and shin plates, all a metallic alloy tough enough to allow me to block a swing from a baseball bat... don't ask me how I know that. Lastly the cloak and cowl, while it did make me stand out in a crowd it worked well concealing my weapons and my identity, basically a cape and a hood, both black like the rest of the suit.

I liked the cloak and cowl... it made me look sort of mysterious and heroic. Did I look heroic when I... when I killed the Owner's agent. How did I look? What did my face tell? Was I scared, angry? I can remember everything I did but now... I can't remember how I felt. Chakwas had told me I'd broken most of my assailant's upper torso, her ankle, and fractured her jaw... worst was when she told me I'd broken her rib cage into pieces, the pieces shredded her internal organs... and she died in pain.

It was much more than I ever wanted to know... but I had asked. I... deserved to know what happened in full. I needed to know. I needed to know how. I felt if I didn't… I wouldn't fully understand… I'd never… done anything like that before… crushing someone with my bare hands… I don't like it… it's one thing beating someone up… that they usually wake up later and walk away from… this… this they don't.

Why am I still using this stuff? Why am I using the gifts from the Owner? Sure I stole them but… It doesn't feel that way… they were there ready for me and I took them and I've been using them… gifts from someone I hate… one of the few I develop true hatred for… one whom I can never forgive, one I'll completely ignore my code long enough for him to die.

I back away from my gear and glance over at the standard equipment. Light, medium and heavy armors were labeled on the wall, spares... just in case, also the armory had... guns. I look down at my weapons long and hard, then at my armor. Symbols of a man who's been trying to kill either my morals, or me for the last two years. Slowly... I put the armor away into my locker. Lock it and then turn to a spare set of medium Onyx armor, similar to Shepard's.

I place it where I would normally leave my armor, then I grab two pistols and two SMGs, I reach for a sniper rifle as well... my load-out... It feels too... light. Nothing to really affect heavily armored guys that much... I glance over at the heavy weapons, Shepard had lain out her choice, the Missile Launcher. The grenade launcher lay next to it... begging me to use it... so I put the Grenade Launcher on my table. Perfect.

I need some change… even if it can only last until the end of the mission I need to feel… different… or more the same… I don't know… but hey I get to shoot a grenade launcher so that'll be pretty cool…

I leave, my one feeling of happiness vanishes with the woosh of the armory door... and I spot Kelly... she's typing away at her console, organizing Shepard's messages or mailing a friend... I take a deep breath... I begin to walk over to her. Just to get intercepted by Garrus.

"Will, I need to talk to you for a minute." Why would Garrus be talking to me? I dunno... let me ask. Right now... I'm going to stop my internal monologue and talk to him.

"What's up?" The most generic response to 'I need to talk to you' in two dimensions.

He doesn't answer my question instead he leads me down from the CIC to talk. We share an elevator that I hum 'it's the end of the world as we know it' song. We cross through the mess hall and I spot several small glares… not intentional but something inside of them is angry at me. We end up in the forward gun battery... you know the 'calibrating' room. "You ok?" Worried about me?

"I'd be lying if I said I was fine, I'm not..." I glance away from him towards the med-bay. "...But... I'll endure... I'll survive..." I glance away again, "It's all I can do." I lean back against the door. I... I'm going to lose myself. This place... will take away who I am, what I am... it's been slowly happening over the past two years... and I thought I was going to go more towards who I was when I first met Shepard, because with her acting that way felt right... being that felt right. I felt like I was recovering, so to speak. I was becoming more like me again... but this... this just spun it the other way... I'm going down again... spiraling away from who I am into... into... into what the rest are... and I'm treating it like a bad thing.

I... I don't know... I see their callousness... but... is that what it is? How do they do these things so easily? I've begun not caring, I've started being a fight monger... not a word but... not the point. I don't know, I care deeply about Shepard and Garrus... but... they don't care... A target, a squeeze of the trigger. I'm not sure if I can keep going... I want to protect everyone but... I don't want to kill anyone...

"Keep thinking that way and you'll die." Garrus somehow reads my mind.

"How?" I straighten up.

"You talk while you think." Oh yeah... heh forgot about that.

"I can't... I can never put what I mean into words..." Things descend into silence... and just as I feel like I should leave.

"Your still an idiot..." He laughs, "you haven't realized what you said to Shepard?" I'm guessing by now what I've said has been broadcast through the crew likely through Kelly or Kasumi. "You said you don't want to be like me and Shepard... I can understand but... you called Shepard callous and a villain." "From her standpoint."

"But I don't... mean... I don't... damn it I shouldn't be allowed to talk to anyone..." I break eye contact and look away. "I... I'm... I'm a dumbass aren't I?"

"Pretty much." He let's out a laugh.

"I don't find this funny..." I whine and hang my shoulders...

"It's cute," he laughs, "your first fight."

"Might be our final too." I let my voice fade.

"Shepard likes you enough that you should be able to get by this... if you come clean as an idiot to her." He says it like it's so easy... it's not pride but... I really don't know how.

"What tell her I'm sorry? I called Shepard the evil I wanted gone from this universe... nothing I can do will help now..." I groan... I can't believe how crap my... wait a second... I don't want Shepard to... ah screw that old song... I don't want her to dislike me no matter if we like each other romantically... does it... I'm gonna be on this run around till I talk to Tali.

"How about this... start a conversation with her?" Well... I guess that it wouldn't be that bad... "See if she shoots you and if not consider yourself mostly forgiven." Right now I'm nervous again.

"Where did you get this insight from anyways?"

"Kasumi and Kelly talk to me too." Them…

"Ahh... all is explained then." Whenever they get involved people suddenly get more aware of the feelings of others.

"Just go talk to Shepard." He realizes he hurt his whole, 'perceptive guy' thing he had going by admitting to talking to Kasumi and Kelly.

I've got to throw a joke in… especially since he's ordering me around. "Aye, aye Scarface."

"I have a sniper rifle."

"I'll go talk to Shepard."

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