Chapter 21 – Solitary Thoughts

Zanna sat alone in her room, trapped in solitary with a broken arm and multiple bruises because she had failed to finish off Maximum Ride because of Fang's intervention. In her opinion, the injuries from the fight hurt less than the isolation. Zanna didn't like most people, but being alone was always more unpleasant than being with people you didn't like, in her opinion. It made her feel shelved, obsolete, like all the clones and Erasers that had been done away with. At least Mama would keep her company when she did what she wanted. Maybe Fang could have kept her company if he hadn't escaped.

No, she quickly shook that thought off. Fang rescued Max; he had chosen friendship with her over friendship with Zanna. He would always side with Max, she knew that now.

Zanna hadn't wanted a parent or anything like that. She just wanted a friend, someone to keep her company; someone who'd like her even if she didn't beat her record on the treadmill or kill enough Flyboys within thirty seconds. She had hoped that Fang would have done that, that he would learn to understand her. That was an impossibility now.

In all her years of training to become a quick and efficient killer, no one had ever told Zanna how many emotions were involved when you tried to kill someone. She had never expected to become attached to Fang, or to feel sorry for Max, or to, for once in her life, doubt everything she had ever believed or was taught. Mama had told her to block out all emotions, to not think of the target as a person. Not only had Zanna not blocked out her emotions, but now Max had started blocking her, and Fang was fighting back!

Zanna had tried her best to hide her flaring emotions, but she was not the emotionless person her mama had wanted her to be. You only had to look into her eyes to see that. She tried to remain cool and collected like Fang, but she had not inherited his stonewall nature.

For a moment Zanna wondered why she wasn't mad at Fang. After all, it was his DNA that set such a high bar for her. Fang would have been a perfect assassin, if he had grown up in the same environment as Zanna.

Because she shared DNA with him, all of the whitecoats expected her to be a little she-Fang. In fact, if she remembered correctly, her name was a strange pieced-together version of 'She-Fang' in some other language. All her life the whitecoats who took care of her had treated her like she was Fang, giving her all of his favorite foods and play items and using the same methods and procedures with her that they had used when Fang had been in their captivity. Even when her Mama visited her, she brought her things that they thought a girl version of Fang would like: black outfits, rock CDs, and even a computer when they found out that Fang enjoyed blogging.

Nobody would ever know that assassin Leizanna's favorite color was dark purple, her favorite songs were from the Phantom of the Opera tape she had stolen when she was little, and she absolutely loathed blogging.

I guess I've never been mad at Fang because I've been taught to be mad at Max. Zanna was almost positive that something was wrong with what she had been taught, but she just couldn't let her anger go completely. Max was responsible for her suffering, she always was responsible, everything started when Max existed. Everything seemed so easy when you could blame it on one person, a person who you were told to hate and blame from the very beginning. It should have been easy to kill her! Why had she hesitated enough to give Fang time to intervene?

Because Max felt compassion for you when she thought you were dead,the tiny scrap of Zanna's remaining conscience seemed to tell her, Max had only wanted to be left alone; she wasn't out for blood like you.

Zanna remembered reading a file about Max's half-brother, Ari, who was accidentally killed when Max fought him in New York's sewer system. Ari had been her sworn enemy, and even then she hadn't meant to kill him. She had been really upset about it afterwards, Zanna knew that from the faint reoccurring thoughts Max had when she thought she had killed again. Why couldn't Max just be evil and destructive like she was supposed to be? I'm not thinking straight, Zanna decided, I need to talk to Mama.

As if on cue, the door opened up to reveal Anne, Zanna's mama. "Zanna, how's your arm?" she asked. Even though she tried hard to be a good 'parent', Zanna knew that her mama was not cut out for the job. Not to mention she only visited every couple of months.

"My arm is fine, Mama," Zanna said, "It's almost better. I wish you'd let me have another try at Maximum Ride."

Anne sighed. "You had your chance, Zanna, now we need to get Maximum Ride out of the way once and for all. You understand, don't you?"

Zanna nodded. "It's her fault," she said automatically.

"Exactly." Anne went on to explain a detailed plan for capturing and eliminating Max and Fang, who they believed were still in the building. Normally that would have thrilled Zanna. Anything involving Max possibly dying usually thrilled her. Today though, it seemed pointless.

After a few minutes of letting the plans pass uselessly through her head, Zanna decided to ask her mama something, just so she could get it out of her head once and for all. "Mama," Zanna cut in, "do you think it's okay to feel bad for an enemy sometimes?"

Her mama looked at her with an expression of near horror. "Zanna! When someone opposes your cause, sometimes they have to be eliminated for the greater good. No matter how nice they seem or how unfair the situation might be, if they interfere with the plan they must be put out of commission. You don't want Maximum Ride to win, do you?"

"No." Zanna shook her head, and she tried her best to accept everything her mama said, but she still couldn't stop remembering how Max had spoken her name and apologized over and over when she had kneeled by her lifeless body.