Notes: Yeah. That was a thing that happened. Sorry. And here's another thing that happens.

An Unscratched Surface: Part 21

While he'd never loved them half so much as Goatad did, Gamzee took comfort in the presence of seagoats. They were one of the more beautiful sea beasts in the world, and it used to be that when there was time, his guardian would take him to the beach to watch the creatures. And so now, here he was, sitting on the beach with his back to a large rock, watching as the large white creatures as they frolicked in the water. They were like few other of the mysteriously white creatures that lived in their world. Unlike other white creatures, seagoats were very family and community oriented. They lived together in large groups and were never left one of their own behind. How much simpler would his life have been if he'd been a seagoat rather than a troll?

With a sigh Gamzee pushed himself to his feet, ignoring the sting in his injured hands that came from pressing sand into the wounds, and he shuffled slowly towards the edge of the water. As he shuffled he winced at the feel of the sand between his toes, or rubbing against his legs as his sand encrusted sleep pant legs—and they were his favorite sleep pants, the black ones with the gray spots—moved against his flesh. Soon enough the chilly water was washing over his feet and legs, and Gamzee knelt down to wash his hands in the water, the salt stinging bad but doing a world of good at washing the sand from the small cuts. Later he'd regret the decision, but for now, he welcomed it. Better pain later than pain now.

Once his hands were cleaned Gamzee shuffled back to his resting spot, picking up a stick along the way. He'd already been here for well over an hour, and he had no more intention than of going back to the hive now than he had when he'd fled. It had been hard enough to just stop crying after he got to the beach, and going back there and seeing his guardian and Karkat would be far too much. So he sat with stick in hand and doodled in the sand.

By the time he looked up from his scratching out images of him and Karkat—he wasn't very good at drawing so he doubted that Karkat would know his own face even if he did show up—the seagoats were gone, off to feed in the deeper water rather than play in the shallow. The pale pink light of the moon was the only thing left to keep him company other than his stick and his drawings.

"Gamzee..."

And, apparently, Kanaya.

"I don't motherfucking want to talk," Gamzee mumbled, though he was certain that she didn't hear him. And he didn't say another thing as she strode closer and then moved to sit beside him.

"I do not appreciate having to invest so much time into searching for you when you are upset," she said, moving so that part of her own back was pressed against the rock that Gamzee had chosen.

"I didn't want to be motherfucking found."

"And you were going to remain here until the sun rose, and make an end of the pitiable flow of your life? I do not believe that for a single moment, Gamzee. If you had not desired to be found then you would have chosen a location other than the beach for your hiding spot. You are quite aware that not only is Goatad in possession of the knowledge that you are fond of the beach, but you have told me of it during our thinkrapy sessions. While I admit that your choice of specific location prompted me to search harder than I desired, it was still a relatively simple matter to seek you out."

"Then don't complain about searching," Gamzee snapped. "What are you even motherfucking doing here?"

Kanaya sighed, and when she looked at him her eyes were full of pity. Before Gamzee could say or do anything she had wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him as close as she could when his horns were taken into consideration. And then, in the safe haven she motherfucking presented him, Gamzee let himself cry once more. The whole time she held him, her voice whispering soft and sweet shooshes, her hand on his shoulder rubbing soft circles and just letting him let his grief go.

Eventually Gamzee found the tears slacking off. With that Kanaya finally helped him sit up straight again, and she produced a handkerchief from somewhere and started to clean off his face. It was a simple, gentle, pitying action that did more to reinforce his pale feelings for Kanaya than anything else. At last she seemed satisfied, and put the cloth away, clearing her throat as she did so.

"Now that we have dealt with the pent up emotions which have been plaguing you, would you be so kind as to inform me as to what has come to pass as to prompt such a reaction as this?"

"What do you already up and know?"

"I received a call from your guardian, explaining that you had left the hive, quite upset, and he was not able to pursue you at that point. He also felt that you were in need of a moirail more than a guardian at this juncture."

"Sure as motherfucking all that's true," Gamzee admitted, sighing. "Karkat got jumped by some motherfuckers on his way back from a pity date with Terezi. A telekinetic maroon blooded sister found him and saved him. I spent the day tending to him, let her stay at the hive. Apparently Karkat had her contact Terezi to explain what happened, so Terezi came over first thing this evening. And... Long story motherfucking short as fuck, Aradia's pale for Karkat, I kind of blamed Terezi for every motherfucking thing, got in a fight and I almost..."

Kanaya reached up and gently ran her fingers through Gamzee's loose and tangled hair. It was soothing like a motherfucking miracle.

"You were overcome by your rage?"

Gamzee nodded. "I got all black up in her face, and then I had her backed against a wall, and my hand was all around her throat..."

"Goatad stopped you?"

"Yeah. And when I looked at Karkat, he had this look on his face that..."

"There is no need to inform me as to the expression which he was wearing. I believe I likely saw it or one quite similar to it during the Spided incident. I had hoped that you would never find yourself faced with such a reaction in the one you are flushed for, but it seems I was unable to protect you from that revelation. But please allow me to assure you as someone who has encountered your rages before, it is something that is quite common upon one who has not witnessed you in such a state, or how you have previously overcome it. Your rage is a part of you that one must learn to embrace, and soothe. One day Karkat shall learn this, and pity it as much as he will pity the rest of you."

"No," Gamzee growled. "Don't you get it? I've lost any motherfucking chance I would have to up and get that brother to go red for me. Ain't never going to pity me."

"Oh Gamzee..."

"He can't even stand to motherfucking look at me. To motherfucking see me. I attacked his matesprit, I made him afraid. I'm nothing too him now, Kanaya. Nothing but a motherfucking monster."

"Gamzee, please do not say such things of yourself..."

"Kanaya, this is all up and going to sound weird, but could you motherfucking do something for a palebro?"

"Of course. I have told you already, my moirail, that I shall endeavor to do whatever is needed of me for your happiness."

"Let me move in with you."

"What?"

"There's paperwork I can motherfucking file to let me live with my moirail. Please, I can't stay in the motherfucking hive anymore. Not when my guardian has a new ward, or Terezi's always there, and with how Karkat..."

Kanaya sighed, and in her eyes was a pitying look so strong that it almost seemed impossible.

"I gave to you my word, Gamzee, and while I do believe that you are taking advantage of our quadrant to save yourself some minor pain, I shall begin the requested process. But until it is achieved, I must insist that you remain in your own hive."

"Not today," Gamzee pleaded. "Please. Not today."

"No," Kanaya agreed, standing and brushing her skirt off. Once she was done she held her hand out to him, a soft smile gracing her face. "Not today. Tomorrow will be soon enough."