A/N The Rinn side of this Chimerean equation has always been something of a method writer. A great many tears have been shed; a lot of laughter and snarling have taken place. It would appear, however, that the Helena side (who normally uses good ol'fashioned imagination combined with science *see reference in profile) took a page from her colleague's book and ended up buggering up her shoulder to the point where scalpels were sharpened (though fortunately not used). As such, the poor wretch is somewhat impaired - while still telling everyone she can do everything herself, naturally. Where else would Helena get that stubborn streak from?
Things being as they are, we will be working at a slower pace. There is also another matter where while we, in our infinite wisdom, have already seen far, far into the future, rounding this story off was something we hadn't quite gotten to. Put the two matters together and it results in all kinds of fun and games. Sit tight, switch on the story alert and please be patient.
Chapter 20
It was quieter in the infirmary, more... settled. One wouldn't have thought that two hours would've made such a difference, but it did. Katelyn Shepard looked at the rows of patients and those who had come to sit with them on the journey to the Citadel. They were close to their destination, two hours out at most. She had gotten some rest, hearing Miranda's logic, knowing that she would need it. She would have to facilitate the transfer to Huerta, ensure that they were following the right protocols. She also wanted to speak to Anderson and anybody else within the Alliance who would listen to her.
And, she needed to speak to the Council, to give to them the proof that they always sought. What more did they need than these broken colonists? What more could they possibly want than the data that the Normandy had gathered?
They're not pinning it on the geth this time.
She went to Chakwas's bed studying the old woman as she slept, her splinted hand resting on her chest. Katelyn had gotten a message from Miranda when she woke up that she had found an orthopaedic surgeon that would take Chakwas immediately. They would also run all the necessary tests to determine what the side effects there would be from the doctor's concussion. She had reassured Katelyn, as one would a worried daughter, that Karin would receive the best possible care.
Kate had promised herself that she would never do it, but somehow in her mind, she had begun to associate the aging doctor with her mother. Or rather, feeling that childlike obligation to take care of her. It ran deeper than the care she had for her crew. It was more personal.
She gently touched Karin's good hand then sighed and glanced at the AI core. Miranda had been there earlier to repair or rather, do what she can for Rinn's mangled hand. Kate didn't know whether she regretted maiming her, because that action had saved Rinn's life.
A low humming sound drew her attention away from the bed and she turned in surprise to find that Mordin was conscious. Anita had moved over to him, her features haggard as she checked up on his stats. She had worked in Huerta before joining Cerberus and was comfortable in working with human and alien patients alike. The Illusive Man chose well.
Happy to see that the salarian was awake, Kate quickly moved to his bed. His bright eyes found her immediately, though he didn't look as if he had the strength to speak.
Kate smiled at him, but didn't dare touch him lest she disturbed the various tubes and wires that were distributed about his person. "Hey Professor," she said. "How are you doing?" He looked as if he had started fading again but, when he heard her voice, he opened his eyes again. "In pain," he said simply, almost happily. "Anita, suggest increasing dosage. 12% solution? I think so..." His burst of energy began to fade almost immediately, but then his black eyes locked with Shepard. He started smiling.
Somehow, Mordin always smiled.
"Shepard," he said. "Good news." His eyes started closing and Kate didn't dare disturb him, wondering how sane he was. How could he use those words, possibly knowing that Jacob had died? She would still have to talk to Tali, to find out exactly what had gone wrong.
But, then again, he was who he was. A salarian. A scientist. He processed things so quickly she sometimes wondered if he felt any emotions at all. She thought that he had fallen asleep again, but then he opened his dark eyes and found hers.
"Found it. Found something. Can use it. We can. Yes." He let out a quick breath. "Can't stand in the lab. Might have to arrange..." She cut him off, her hands trembling as she took his despite her previous misgivings.
"You found what, Mordin?" She queried. "A cure?"
Mordin chuckled and squeezed her hand. "Not cure," he said. "Cure impossible. But. A solution. Yes. I need to go to my lab."
It was the last thing that he said and he faded away. Under Anita's watchful gaze, Kate didn't dare wake him again, but she found that her heart was beating quite wildly in her chest and she was clinging to the salarian's thin hand. She looked at Anita who had a dark look in her eyes, but the moment she saw Shepard looking at her, she blinked and moved away to check up on the other patients. Katelyn followed her progression with a frown, wondering what she had seen. She considered asking the nurse when the door opened and Miranda came back. Her gaze found Anita first before she turned to Katelyn.
"Kelly's ready for us," she said and didn't sound as if she had had the longest shift of all of them. She had gone for shower and looked more refreshed than before.
Katelyn nodded at her, gave the salarian one last look, wishing that he was still conscious, and left the room.
Helena had kissed Miranda because it made her feel something. Because it was the only thing she could think of to do. And because it had meant something. Although she doubted that the Cerberus officer would see it that way, it had been her way of thanking her. For taking care of her. For finding her.
For saving Rinn.
And it had been a small way to take just a little bit of control back. To make her feel as if she wasn't completely at the woman's mercy as she had been at the collectors'. At the husk's.
Even if it had made Miranda awkward.
Helena didn't know if Miranda was gay, straight, bi or the perfect modern human, ...so many aliens, so little time... and had no way of judging what the woman had thought about it. She had made a light flirting fest out of it, had made it appear like a joke. And Miranda, smiling, seemed to have taken it as such. She had cleaned Helena's wounds and bandaged them in silence. She wanted to ask the XO to aid her in washing her hair, but pain medication Miranda gave her had claimed her for sleep even before Miranda left. When she woke up, the woman was gone and, at first, she thought that she was alone. It was, just briefly, a frightening feeling that drove her to sit up and look around her. Her anxiety was short lived when she saw a figure standing at the trash compactor. Helena frowned and studied the figure, at the way she pushed herself against the glass to look at the garbage ejector. When Helena had seen it on the Normandy for the first time, she had thought that it was a typical human thing to do, to accumulate garbage and then just dispose of it throughout the galaxy.
The future could only bring humanity's vision so far...
"Like what you see?" The voice was dark, full of scorn which made Helena grimace and carefully push herself up. Sitting was a mistake, because it put pressure on all manner of places Helena didn't think could be relieved anytime soon.
"It's certainly different," she answered. "Hallo."
The woman turned around.
"Do you know who I am?"
Helena grimaced and took a moment to consider her answer. "I think Rinn told me," she said carefully. "I don't think there are many half-naked women running around." I'm not that lucky.
Jack's grin was feral. "She didn't like it much," she pointed out and turned away from the garbage. "Figured her a prude, not a fucking homicidal maniac."
Helena had to contain her anger. She could not imagine what would happen if Jack responded to it in kind. "She's not homicidal," she said tersely. "She didn't kill anybody."
Jack shrugged and popped herself up onto the counter. There was no reserve in her eyes as she studied Helena. "That thing is," she pointed out. "I saw the videos, heard the crew. Saw her fucking fear of it. Do you know how much it takes for you to try and fucking kill yourself?"
Shifting uncomfortably Helena made a gesture with her hand. "I can imagine," she said dryly. "Look is there a ah... way for me to go to use the facilities? Or something?"
Jack snorted. "You want me to bring you a bucket?"
Helena sighed and shook her head. "No, just... Forget it."
Jack grinned again. "See if you can." She seemed to wait and Helena, sighing gave her a questioning look.
"You're Jack, right?"
The biotic nodded. "Do you have a problem with it, bitch?"
Helena shook her head. "No," she replied quickly. "I just... Thought you'd be taller." She wondered if Jack's height was a problem for her, because the biotic's eyes became a little bit more dangerous as she looked at her. Then, whatever thoughts she had entertained seemed to pass because she smiled again.
"Can't say the same about you," she pointed out. "Can you really see the future?"
How the hell did that get out?
Helena shook her head, but didn't look at her. She was beginning to feel an itching sensation on her scalp and, when she reached up to scratch it, she found that her hair was still caked with drying blood. For the love of life, I want it out. Clearly not convinced, Jack hopped off of the counter. She struck Helena as someone who was very hyperactive.
"Can you see my future?" The biotic asked, her voice a tone lower, eager. Helena knew without a doubt that this was the one crew member who didn't fear her in the least.
"No," Helena said simply and realised that she had perhaps answered a little bit too quickly, the voice of a possible future Jack shouting in her mind, her voice hoarse with pain and anger. My name is Jack!
The ex-convict must've seen something in her eyes, because she stepped forward eagerly and dropped down to her hunches in front of Helena so that she could peer up at her eyes. "Fucking jack shit," she pointed out. "You've fucking seen something." Her grin became feral. "I ain't gonna like it." Her eagerness for violence pushed against Helena's already fragile frame of mind and she leaned back, grimacing when she felt every muscle in her body protest.
"Yeah," she said. "You ain't. It's got kids in it. Dozens of 'em. All pretty much doting on you. It's gonna be cute." The biotic barked a laugh and stood up.
"You're full of crap," she pointed out. "Come on." She held out her hand, urging Helena to take it. The ginger could not do so immediately, but squinted up at her, trying to imagine what she was going to do. The biotic shook her hand impatiently. "If you don't come with me, you're going to stay full of crap," she pointed out. "Come on, I'm only doing bathroom service once."
Helena almost laughed. "Right," she said and slipped her left hand into Jack's, allowing the tiny biotic to pull her up. It hurt, because she had gotten stiff in the meantime and every muscle that she had felt as if it had gone through boot camp. With a surprising show of patience, Jack waited for her to settle, then glanced at the IV bag still on the wall. "You bring the baggie. Can't see that we can take it out yet," she hesitated. "You say if I hurt you. Or if you need to stop and fall."
When she had her balance, Helena felt really silly. Jack was significantly shorter than she was, yet she knew that the woman had enough power inside her to tear her up at a molecular level if she wanted to. She reached out and tucked the IV under her arm. "I'm okay."
"Fucking liar," Jack muttered. "Anything else you need?"
Helena hesitated, still aware of the itching sensation on her head. "Shower would be nice," she pointed out. "I want... this off."
Jack raised a brow and looked up at her hair. "Only cure for that is a set of clippers," she pointed out. "I have some. You need a shower. You fucking reek."
Helena knew that she must not have been feeling well, because it sounded like a very good way of dealing with her hair. They walked out of the room together, Helena not missing how Jack looked down the hallway, her eyes alert and challenging if anybody decided to confront them. The people that were there paid them no mind, most probably frantic engineers who were still trying to keep the Normandy afloat on their trip to the Citadel. The biotic took Helena to a room she didn't know existed, a tiny little cubicle that was probably placed there for the convenience of the engineers. It was very small, had only the basics, but it spared her a trip up to the crew deck. Feeling happier when she came out, Helena could tell immediately that Jack was going to say something else that might upset her the moment she set her foot out of the cubicle.
"I've been thinking," the energetic biotic said again. "And I think they have it all wrong."
Tired from the effort of walking, Helena gave her a questioning look. "Who?" she queried and took a moment to rest against the wall. Before she could stop herself she had her hand back in her hair, worrying at the hard pieces of blood. It has to come out.
Jack's eyes met her gaze bluntly. "Fuck," she said. "All of them. You ain't a fucking slave. "
Working her fingers down to her scalp, Helena found a particular itchy spot, but stopped scratching when she thought about the nanocytes. What if they are still on there? And scratching at them activates them? The thought was irrational, but it was terrifying enough for her to let her hand drop again.
"How do you figure?" she asked and, because she didn't want to have this conversation where everybody on deck could hear it, she started back towards the room. She was starting to feel hot again and wondered if there was still a bottle of water beside the bed.
"You just ain't," Jack challenged her. "And you fucking know it. You don't have it. Your friend maybe, but you? No. I know slaves. I've fucking traded with them. I was one once. Briefly," she smirked darkly for a moment. "You ain't a slave. I think you're something different. And the others? They just haven't taken the fucking time to think about it."
Helena sighed as she made her way back to the bed, trying to ignore the itching sensation that seemed to spread down from her scalp to her spine. She did not like Jack's line of thought, but knew that it wasn't going to be the only round of questioning that she was going to face.
"And you have?" she queried tiredly as she dealt with the IV bag and sat back down again, choosing the floor this time. Jack watched her and, after the door closed, sat down across from her.
"I think I'm not the only fucking experiment on board," she said and her eyes were... alive. Bright. As if she was beginning to see what she thought was the bigger picture. "You know my history? Don't answer, you'll just fucking lie to me. I heard once that there were asari matriarch's that had... a kind of fucking foresight. Or something. Revelations about the future. Something to do with biotics and their religion, but we all know most religions have it wrong, right?"
Helena didn't say anything but began to try and get the blood out of her fringe. "Do you have a comb?" she queried. "Or a brush?"
Jack gave her a look. "Do I look like I fucking need one?" She queried. "What the fuck would I brush?"
Helena decided to take her advice and not answer at all.
"So," Jack continued. "I'm thinking you might be on the other side. They created human biotics, because they could. Through accidents, labs, chance. Humans are fucked up like that, they want everything. So, they know there are asari who could foretell the future and they decide to fucking create their own oracle. You and your friend were probably in such a program. Maybe you escaped; maybe they moved you from lab to lab. Only you know the truth. But you can tell me. I've heard all sorts of weird shit in my life."
Helena thought about what she said, the word oracle making her shiver. "I can't see the future, Jack," she pointed out and meant it. "I can't tell you what's going to happen right this minute, right in the next second. I'm not... That." She pulled her stiff braid over her shoulder and untied it from the mess that it had been in. A lot of her hairs had escaped with time, but they were now all fixed back to it by sweat and blood. "Are you sure you don't have anything to help me with this?"
Jack raised a brow, and sat back against the table. "Clippers," she repeated. "All or nothing."
Do it, Helena's mind encouraged her. Get it off. "I don't want to be bald," she said instead. "And I don't... I don't want to talk about this further, Jack." She looked at the way her hair remained fixed in their stiff curls after she had managed to get the band off. "I have an arrangement with Shepard."
Jack made a murmuring sound and shifted as if she was preparing to get up again. "It won't be on your head," she said. "I can put on a higher cut. Just take the top off. It'll be short, but," she shrugged. "Hair grows back. Then you can stop scratching at it. Might be easier, if that fucking arm of yours never come right."
Helena had her one hand in her hair again without realising it and quickly brought her fingers down. "You are just a ray of fucking sunshine," she said and didn't like the fact that what the biotic said made a lot of sense. How high is my fever? "I just want it dealt with. I just... I want it out."
Jack smiled at her in that feral, wild way again and leapt up as if she had seen something in Helena's eyes that she wasn't willing to admit to herself yet.
"I'll go get 'em," she said. "You just stay right there."
"I didn't realise why the alarms went off immediately," Kelly was saying, her eyes downcast as she stared at the cup of coffee in her hands. "I was in the kitchen, making coffee. I..." She paused and frowned, glancing past Katelyn to the commander's fish tank. "Before that I remembered looking into the infirmary. Helena had gotten up and I thought it was a bit strange. But, the alarms went off. And I stopped." Her gaze returned to Katelyn's before it dropped back down to her coffee. "EDI said that we were being boarded."
Like Miranda, the yeoman had not slept yet, but had pushed on from task to task, helping in the infirmary, communicating with Huerta, communicating with the Citadel and flagging the most important communication for Katelyn. There was a lot starting to come in. Someone at the Citadel must've snitched or someone in Omega had seen more than they should've, because rumour was out that they had gone through the Omega-4 relay and survived.
It's going to be hell's nest at the Citadel, Miranda thought bitterly. Just crazy. She turned her attention back to Kelly.
"What happened after you were taken?" She queried, glancing briefly at Katelyn to try and read her expression. "When the collectors took you to the ship?"
Kelly looked at her, her eyes wide with the remembered horror. She sniffed miserably and took a sip of coffee, her gaze moving back to the fish. As Miranda understood it, she had taken over care of the tank since Katelyn's wide range of abilities didn't stretch as far as fish keeping.
"They..." Kelly began, but faltered for a moment. "They had some of us. There were pods onboard the Normandy, but... not enough. So..." she grimaced. "Some of us were walked to their ship." She glanced at Katelyn. "I thought... I didn't realise what was happening with Rinn and Helena in the beginning. I thought that she had regained consciousness which given the timing was odd, but..." She sighed. "But then they placed us in the pods and they remained... They remained apart."
Katelyn frowned and gave her a curious look. "They didn't put Helena in a pod?"
Kelly bit her lip and shook her head. "I didn't pay attention immediately. I was so... so relieved when I was in the pod, relieved that they were no longer touching me, that..." Her lip trembled and she looked away from them, again towards the fish as if she was using their graceful movements to anchor her. Miraculously, the tank had not suffered any damage during their emergency landing on the collector's base.
"It's alright," Katelyn said as Miranda shifted, starting to feel a bit impatient. "Take your time, Kelly." The commander gave Miranda warning look as if sensing her irritation. Kelly seemed oblivious to the exchange, her gaze still on the fish.
"I... didn't really think about it," the yeoman finally began again, her voice quiet. "I didn't think of anything. I wondered if they had had some sort of device inside that rendered us unconscious for a time, because I only... really regained consciousness again when they set the pod upright against the wall where you found us. I looked through the glass and saw..." She paused and grimaced. "I saw that Rinn and Helena were still... free. But, I think Helena was unconscious, because Rinn was carrying her. They took out... The collectors were around my pod and took out a woman I presume was beside me. I didn't recognize her, she wasn't one of our crew."
Miranda raised a brow and tried to remember what she had seen coming into the room, trying to place Kelly's location.
"What did they do to her?" the Cerberus officer asked and knew immediately what the answer was when Kelly turned wide eyes on her.
"Kill her," she breathed. "They took her out and killed her. And then Rinn..." She frowned, as if she was trying to puzzle out a riddle. "Then Rinn put Helena into the pod. I had thought for a moment that they were both in on it but..." She shook her head.
Miranda frowned, glancing at Katelyn to see that she was still processing what she was hearing. "You don't think that they were?" she queried. "That Helena was placed inside simply to make it appear as if she was also a victim."
Kelly looked at her for a long time, considering her answer. She sighed and took a sip of coffee, composing herself a little. "No," she said finally. "No, I think she was as much a victim as we were."
That revelation made Katelyn stir as she turned her jade eyes on the yeoman. "Why?" she queried. "What makes you so sure?"
Kelly looked at both of them, but could not meet either their gaze. "Because of what happened next," she said softly. "Because of the way Helena sounded. Because of Rinn... That thing that she had become. Something else was happening between them. I haven't been able to give it much thought to make sense of it."
Miranda leaned forward and made sure to meet Kelly's gaze. "Try," she said simply. "Try. And, if you need time to think about it, take it. But we have to know what happened there." She glanced at Katelyn who was frowning, simply listening to Kelly.
The yeoman took a steadying breath and seemed to gather her senses, putting her cup down on the table. Her hands were trembling, but she entwined them and grimaced.
"Rinn spoke to Helena as if she was meant to die, as if... whoever was in the pod next to mine was meant to die. And... Helena knew it. She didn't question it. Just..." She shrugged. "A feeling. There was nothing to do there but listen to them. At first I thought that the husk was just being cruel, but then I realised that she meant to intimidate Helena. To provide some step to bargain on. Even a collector came to Helena and offered her a deal."
This made Miranda sit up as it was the same that Chakwas had said. She tried to imagine for a moment what it must've been like, to be trapped in those pods without anything else to do but talk to each other and listen to those who were dying. Information, any information, must've spread like wild fire.
"What did they say?" she queried. "What did they offer her?"
Kelly grimaced and shrugged. "Salvation," she whispered. "Freedom from death in exchange for..." She frowned. "Information. Her mind. 'You hold secrets,' he had said. 'Visions. You both are unlike anything in this cycle.'" Kelly frowned, truly puzzled. Yet, Miranda could only marvel at her for a moment. There was a reason she had decided to conduct this interview with the yeoman specifically. She had a remarkable memory, bordering on hyperthymesia. Not even Miranda had the ability to process as much information in a single event as the yeoman could. In one of her early interviews with Cerberus, Kelly had confessed to going into psychology in an attempt to try and understand herself better.
"He said that she should open her mind to them," Kelly continued. "That they wanted to see the world through her eyes. I don't know how they would've managed that. But..." She smiled, a strange look considering the trauma that she had gone through. "Helena denied him as she did all of us. With a very distinct 'go fuck yourself' attitude." She paused suddenly and blushed, glancing at Kate and Miranda in apology. "Sorry."
Miranda could only raise her brow and Katelyn had a brief moment in which she smiled too. "Carry on, Yeoman," the commander said. "How did you get out?" Miranda watched as Kelly hesitated, evaluating what to answer.
"The short of it?" She queried. "Helena got me out. I don't know how she managed, but she got Rinn to get her out. She turned her back and got her to physically break her out of the pod." Her features darkened. "Some of the other crew members had tried to break themselves out. Ryan's a biotic. He tried to break himself out from the inside and got knocked unconscious for hours for his effort. Kenneth and Gabby tried everything from leverage to down right bashing. They couldn't budge it, Commander."
Miranda nodded slowly, thinking about the superior show of strength that Rinn had shown in the infirmary. She could see that Katelyn was still frowning at Kelly.
"What's the long version?" she queried dryly and her tone suggested to Miranda that the commander was still tired despite her nap.
Kelly gave her a cautious look and considered her words carefully. "It was very complicated, Commander, very confusing. Helena had gone quiet, very quiet after the collectors made the offer. The husk had left her to think and had gone... to Chakwas I think. After some time she came back and Helena... When she spoke I could hear that something had changed. I thought she was getting ready to accept their offer, but... now that I think about it, she had been trying to turn Rinn."
Miranda frowned. "Turn Rinn?"
Kelly glanced at her. "I had figured out that she wasn't herself," she said quietly. "I had studied the two. And had figured out that Rinn... Rinn wasn't herself. I don't know if you can call it indoctrinated, but she was cruel. Helena had said as much, told her that she wasn't her friend." She sighed and rubbed her brow. "I'll try and reconstruct their conversation for you in a transcript. I... remember a lot of it. Not all. I didn't want to listen to half of it, I thought Helena had gone mad. I only realised on reflection that her change of attitude was perhaps to facilitate the same in Rinn. She argued... Rinn's faults. Her failures. Threw them in her face. She... Rinn's mother had killed herself, Commander. Helena brought that up. Rinn's failure in the mine to..." She sighed. "It was brutal, but I think that was what she was aiming for. She used that to reach to her and get her... out of that husk's mind."
Miranda frowned, trying to process what Kelly had said and she could tell that Katelyn had the same reservations as she had. The commander turned to her, puzzled.
"An emotional assault," she murmured. "It must've been brutal to have such an impact. Could it truly be enough?"
Miranda wished that she didn't feel the need to answer. She shook her head, but then decided to rather choose her words carefully, considering what she had seen on the base. "I wouldn't have been convinced if I didn't see Rinn trying to kill herself," she said quietly. "I don't think we understand enough to make a definitive call. We have to consider that she may be deceiving us, Katelyn. She cannot leave the ship until we are sure. And, we're going to have to speak to Helena about it so that we can try and understand what she did." She paused, wishing that she didn't have to say the next. "And talk to Rinn." I might have to do that on my own. She made sure to meet Katelyn's gaze.
"We know nothing about them, Katelyn."
She glanced at Kelly who was sitting very quietly, her eyed downcast. Katelyn was very quiet as she too considered the yeoman.
"You're right," she murmured and sighed. "What's our ETA to the Citadel?" Katelyn hadn't address her directly, but the AI came up immediately.
"Three hours, Commander," she said immediately. "We have secured emergency docking rights at Huerta's port. They know that we're coming."
They should, Miranda thought bitterly. I've called them enough.
Kate nodded and turned back to Kelly, carefully moving closer to her so that she could take her arm. When the yeoman looked up, Miranda could see that her eyes were moist, as if she was struggling not to cry. Kate saw it too and her features softened.
"Will you write up that transcript for me?" she queried gently. "Please, Kelly. Then, go and get some rest. Please. You have done... more than enough."
It was the pause that broke the dam of Chambers. Kelly looked at Kate, her gaze filling up with tears as she nodded and tried to speak. When she couldn't, Kate made a soothing sound and carefully put an arm around her, pulling her into a hug. The yeoman, who was never supposed to go out in the field, who knew the Normandy's crew better than any of them, broke down and cried. Miranda, feeling very awkward, pushed herself up and leaned closer to Katelyn, bringing her lips to the commander's ear.
"I'm going to go," she said. "I have to get back to the infirmary."
Katelyn glanced at her and nodded, her one hand carefully resting on Kelly's head. She did not share her thoughts with Miranda, but the Cerberus officer could immediately tell that they weren't pleasant.
Kelly's memory was nothing short of amazing.
The transcript had been sent through in less than thirty minutes after their meeting and Katelyn had spent another twenty minutes absorbing every word the yeoman could provide. She had to remind herself that the transcript wasn't complete and, as amazing as her power of retention was, Kelly wouldn't necessarily have been able to absorb everything to the point of putting it back down into writing.
Still, it gave the commander a lot to think about.
As the yeoman had said, the verbal attack Helena had launched at Rinn had been severe and deeply personal. And, while Katelyn may have reservations about Helena's character, it was clear that the woman hadn't been involved with the abduction and had had no inkling to take Harbinger's offer. She had been just as much a prisoner as the rest and hadn't been willing to compromise even for her own rescue. At least, not when it came to giving in to the proposal that had been presented to her.
A part of Katelyn wished that Kelly could have recalled more of the offer posed to Helen as well. From what the yeoman did convey, it was clear that even Harbinger knew that the woman's knowledge was unnatural...
Rinn probably showed him. She told us as much on the base.
The elevator doors slid open and Katelyn walked out onto the crew deck. The general cacophony of voices had simmered down. She moved to the infirmary, immediately feeling all the eyes of those in the mess hall upon her and she glanced at them briefly. Their eyes were haunted, but in some of them shone appreciation and Katelyn had to admit that it made her feel uncomfortable.
I hadn't been on time. Helena was right about that.
There was less activity in the infirmary as well. Anita was sitting by the desk and all but jumped out of her chair when Katelyn came in. Wide eyes met the commander and then the woman's face flushed.
"I'm sorry, Commander," the woman said softly. "I- you startled me."
Katelyn gave the woman a small, apologetic smile and stepped further into the infirmary. "It's alright," she soothed, taking the moment to give Anita's arm a feathery touch. "It's almost over. We'll be at the Citadel soon." Anita's face did not change its haunted expression, but Katelyn still felt sensed a small sense of relief. The red head gave the nurse a final nod then moved past.
She took a moment to look at the occupants in the infirmary. A woman was awake in one of the beds and the woman's eyes, though dazed a moment before, suddenly fixed on Katelyn. She did not speak, her gaze simply following the commander's passage to the door. The look reminded her of the colonists in the mess hall. Mordin, on the other hand, was fast asleep and covered with enough bandaging that, but for his face, one could have mistaken him for an Egyptian mummy. The tubes coming out of him reminded her how close to death he had been. He's not out of the woods yet.
Katelyn paused by the door leading to the AI core. The last time she has here, she had put the sleeping woman's head on her lap despite the cautions given by the two resident AIs on board the ship not to get too close. The hybrid was still a threat. Now she wondered whose head she had been cradling. What if Miranda's suspicions were true? What if EDI and Legion were right? What if she had unwittingly lied to Chakwas in stating that the woman they had locked up in the AI core was the same they had saved in the mine?
"I have faith in Katelyn."
She drew a deep breath and stretched her hand forward to activate the door. Why was it that Rinn's belief in Katelyn was so strong that it even lodged itself in the husk hybrid's psyche? What did it mean that the hybrid had faith in her?
"Because she's such a mess? Because she's as fucked up as you are?That's it, isn't it? You wanted to believe that someone like you can be a hero." Katelyn shivered at the memory of Helena's words. Even just reading it had her take a breath.
EDI lit the room slightly as Katelyn walked in, but she still had to take the time to wait for her eyes to adjust as the doors slid shut behind her. She was about to approach when she noticed the form on the platform shift its position. She should still be asleep, she thought as a frown creased her brow.
Rinn's movements were slow and careful as she sat upright on the platform, hugging knees to her chest. Her eyes only briefly made contact with Katelyn's then looked down quickly and the commander again felt an ache of familiarity.
"Because she's as fucked up as you are?"
Her eyes weren't glowing. It was the one sign they knew of for sure and something Katelyn had only seen on footage. What if that isn't really a sign? What if it was a momentary side-effect from awakening?
Katelyn walked slowly forward, taking in the tightening of Rinn's muscles as if waiting for the perfect opportunity to finch. She stopped by the edge of the barrier.
"Hey," she greeted softly and watched as Rinn's chest shakily rose and fell. The woman's long, dark hair had been tied back. The few loose strands she had, fell over her face, helping to obscure her from few.
"Commander," Rinn rasped after a pause.
Katelyn tilted her head and wondered what was going on in the other woman's mind. She must surely feel... what? Hurt? Betrayed by her own body? Ashamed? Scared?
"How are you?" she asked.
For a moment, Katelyn thought Rinn was going to answer. The woman's mouth opened as if to speak, only to then hesitate and exhale. Somehow the question seemed to push her even deeper into her shell and the commander frowned.
"Rinn?"
The expectation of an answer seemed to press on Rinn. "I am... okay, Commander," she answered slowly then paused. "Are you? Is... Is Lena?"
"Helena is safe," Katelyn assured her, sensing a rising agitation in Rinn at the thought of her friend. She decided to go for honesty, knowing that she couldn't expect Rinn's openness if she wasn't willing to be the same. "Miranda has looked after her. She has a fever - a mixture of her wounds and dehydration." Rinn's face darkened at the reminder of Helena's ordeal. "But she's fine," Katelyn emphasised in response. "We're looking after her, Rinn."
Rinn nodded. "And... Mordin?"
The salarian was one that Katelyn didn't have a lot of answers about. "Miranda and Chakwas has him stabilized. We're almost at the Citadel. Miranda has called ahead. As soon as we dock, the medics will take him."
The woman pulled her legs tighter to her, clearly careful not to use her right hand. Katelyn's eyes trailed to it. It had been properly looked after - most likely by Miranda - though there were a few dark lines pushing through the white bandages.
She wondered why Rinn had asked after Mordin. Whether it was merely one of her crew she knew? No, that's not it. So what is it? Guilt? Katelyn studied the huddled, awkward form and wondered at the changes in personas she had seen in the woman in such a short period of time. The monster through the vid screen had been tall, broad-shouldered and confident. She had flowed with a grace Rinn's body had never hinted at before. Then there was the fierce and desperate woman who had tried what she could to die. Whose tremulous contralto, laced with fear, pleaded with almost unnatural control for Katelyn to pull the trigger.
And Katelyn couldn't. Despite the suffering Rinn clearly had endured, despite every reason she had offered, despite knowing that the threat should be ended regardless of what form it had manifested in, Katelyn could not make herself fire.
"Did you excuse her from your death because you knew that she would not be able to deal with the guilt of it?" Helena's scathing words filled her mind.
Yes, Rinn had done just that. And I still couldn't deal with the guilt of it.
"Because she's as fucked up as you are?"
Was that how Rinn felt? No doubt.
Katelyn stepped closer, needing to reassure this woman she felt so inexplicably close to. This woman whom she had failed and yet had the opportunity to redeem. But as she approached, Rinn stiffened, her entire body going taut like a string ready to snap. The commander stopped immediately, again examining her.
"Rinn, look at me," she said quietly. Let me see you. Miranda might be right. They didn't really know these two strangers, but Katelyn knew the eyes which slowly complied to her request. There was no glow in the glassy green orbs. Only unspoken shame - a pain that slashed at Katelyn by the mere sight of it.
A ruse? No. Not a ruse.
She slowly took to a nearby chair and sat carefully, her eyes never giving Rinn's the opportunity to look away. She could feel the tension that held them both in its grip and wished she knew how to break it. But there wasn't time. At least not now. And she still needed answers.
"What happened when you woke up?" Katelyn asked gently. "Can you tell me?"
Rinn shook her head, breaking eye contact. She sniffed and looked down at her hands. In her mind's eye, Katelyn could see the metal door Rinn was slamming shut and did not know how to stop it.
"Were you aware?" she tried, hoping a yes-or-no question would work against the woman's need to withdraw.
Katelyn watched Rinn's face turn even more miserable as she nodded. The commander's heart ached, imagining what it would be like to be so stuck, to be so defenseless as your body moved to its own will. To have a monster take control.
"Mordin has spoken of a possible solution," she said. "A way to stop the reapers from controlling you, but..." Katelyn sat forward, leaning on her knees. "We're going to have to understand how it works. Only you can give us that insight, Rinn."
Katelyn recognized the look Rinn shot her as the woman tightened her hold on her legs. It had been one the commander had given Chakwas not too many days before.
"Are you telling me this to soothe me, or because you believe it, Karin?"
"I'm trying to give you hope."
Now Katelyn was trying to give that very thing over to the one she had despaired over. "We can stop this from taking over, Rinn," she pleaded, wanting to be believed. To be trusted. If Chakwas can believe me about you, why can't you believe me about yourself? "You have a chance to take your life back."
"There's no coming back from this," Rinn countered softly. "Nothing can change this." She shook her head, then rested her chin against her knees. Her eyes glinted again. "There's no coming back."
There is. There has to be. Katelyn stood up and, with a small flick of her hand, indicated that she wanted the barrier to be dropped. Rinn's face twisted in surprise and... fear. With a speed virtually impossible for someone who had undergone what the woman just had, Rinn stumbled off of the platform. Katelyn could see what she meant to do. That she meant to back away, to get away from the commander. Legion however...
The geth instantly brought his weapon to bare. Freezing Rinn in her tracks as she looked down at the weapon.
"Stop!" the commander's voice snapped the command and Legion halted instantly as if she had thrown a switch.
Rinn looked at Legion, at the weapon and then a quick glance at Katelyn and the red head knew what the woman was thinking. If she can get the geth to fire his weapon...
The hybrid stepped towards him.
"Legion, lower your weapon," Katelyn ordered.
"Shepard-Commander, the hybrid-"
"Legion, don't make me tell you again." Had the geth been human, he would have cringed at her cold, unforgiving tone. Rinn did cringe, but she still kept her eyes on Legion. Katelyn stepped in between the two.
"Rinn..." Katelyn spoke gently to her. "You're safe."
Rinn tried to move away again in what little space her confinement allowed. "You're not."
The red head frowned at her, trying to understand the emotions that were now all but crackling behind the woman's eyes. "You don't have to be afraid, Rinn. Not of me."
Rinn swallowed visibly as she tried to keep a lid on her emotions. "I'm not," she answered thickly. "I'm afraid of myself."
Katelyn didn't know how to answer. There was nothing she could give - not now - that could reassure Rinn of her own stability. And if she were to change at a critical moment, like now... The commander shook her head. Her ship was heading to the Citadel with souls saved through the efforts both of her own crew and that of Helena and Rinn. They wouldn't have gotten so many to safety had the ginger not managed to bring her friend back and then used her to save others. And, as some twisted reward, Rinn had none of the relief that those she helped save must or will be experiencing.
"She will spend the rest of her life fighting it." Dr Chakwas' words came back to her.
But she's not going to fight it alone. I won't let her fight it alone.
Green eyes locked onto Katelyn's own and again it felt as if the woman was looking into her. Reading her. Her eyes were sad as she, out of instinct, lifted her dominant hand. The bandaged hand was trembling and, for a second, Rinn blanched as she must have noticed it. But she kept her gaze locked on the commander and, when she spoke, her voice was firm.
"Don't," she said. "Don't risk it. Don't risk your crew or yourself... or my friend. Don't push this." Then her eyes glistened again. "Please. There is too much at stake."
Katelyn felt herself struggle. Struggle between ignoring the woman's pleas and knowing she was right. Knowing that she had failed in her duty to protect her crew simply by keeping Rinn alive.
I know should've pulled the trigger.
She closed her eyes and sighed in resignation. When she opened them, she could see that Rinn knew what it meant. That the moment of tension had passed and that Katelyn would choose to listen, not to ignore her as she and Helena had so many times before. The commander nodded gently then stepped away.
"EDI," she said softly and the barrier snapped back into existence.
It had seemed like a very good idea at the time and... in a very strange way, it was. Helena had allowed Jack to cut her hair. Not shave it down to her scalp, but clip it short enough to meet military approval. It was the strangest interaction Helena had had on the Normandy and, in a way, the most natural. She and Jack had nothing to prove to each other, nothing that they wanted from each other. The biotic had brought a pair of scissors and a traditional set of clippers, first cutting off the most of Helena's hair and then taking to carefully clearing a path that would allow her to trim it. Helena had sat quietly, shivering whenever Jack touched her but trusting the biotic not to leave her minus an ear. She thought of her brother as Jack did this, remembering the countless times she had cut his hair for him and joked about doing the same to herself, GI Jane style. She had never worked up the courage in that world, in that life. She had lived in a country where she not only had to hide her way of life, but, from a professional point of view, she could not afford to run around with barely enough hair to rinse. It was simply not done. And, her hair had been her trademark, her symbol.
"How will I know you?" New clients had always asked her and she had always answered with the same words:
"I am the one with the long, red hair."
It was her identity, her first presentation. In shaving it, Helena could not help but feel that she was taking everything that she was, everything that she had been in her old world, and leaving it behind.
Accepting this one? Helena thought as Jack finally finished and she sat with a particularly long piece in her hand, still stiff with blood. Am I not who I was?
The answer was simple.
No.
When she was done, Jack brought her hot water in the same container that Samara had and found her a decent, rough cloth. The ex-convict didn't help her, but watched as Helena scrubbed her scalp till it was raw. It got all of the bandages wet that Miranda had placed over her wounds, but she didn't care. The itching had stopped and with it the strange fear that the nanocytes were burrowing into her skull.
I truly have gone mad, Helena thought as she finally pushed herself back onto the bed, exhausted and trembling. There's no coming back from this.
Jack looked pretty pleased with the result and went as far as to grin at Helena. "I wouldn't have suggested it if I knew how fuck ugly your skull was," she said with a laugh. "I expected to see scars, not a mountain map of Tuchanka."
Helena laughed and rubbed over her short hair self-consciously, her scalp tingling from the sensation. She didn't know how to comment, but strangely enough, it was EDI who piped up. "I have compared the topography of Helena's scalp to that of Tuchanka, Jack, and I am afraid that I cannot find the region that you were referring to. Your head is a perfectly normal shape, Helena."
Feeling strangely happy, Helena shrugged. "It's the perfect disguise," she said and tapped her temple. "No one will suspect a thing." A part of her wished that she would never leave this room, this moment. It was very uncomplicated, removed from all of the shit that she knew waited for her. She was safe in the company of a crazy biotic and a rogue AI.
How life can change.
The door opened and both of them turned to see Miranda come in. The XO's features were placid until she glanced at Helena. A part of the ginger understood then why Jack had wanted to shave her head, because there was a glint in her eyes that had nothing to do with the service she had just provided to her.
"Jack, what have you done?" Miranda snapped immediately. "Helena!"
The urge to laugh was almost overwhelming and, realising that it would not go down well, Helena simply dropped her head and focused on the mess on the floor.
"I've opened up a business, princess," the biotic said, her tone challenging and seductive at the same time. "Sit, I'll do yours for free."
Miranda's reply wasn't as heated, her tone near freezing. "Get out," she said simply. "Now."
Jack winked at Helena, blew Miranda a kiss and left the room with a bounce in her step. Helena could almost hear Miranda count to ten before she moved to her side, sitting down in front of her immediately, her blue eyes first taking in what was left of Helena's hair and then what had happened to the rest of it.
"Helena," she said and her tone was less frozen and more dismayed. "What did she do?"
Feeling embarrassed suddenly, Helena tried to smile. "Made quick work of a persistent problem," she said. "I asked her to, Miranda."
The woman wasn't buying it and dared to raise her hand to Helena's scalp, her thumb finding an old, childhood scar Helena had always hid with her hair. Miranda didn't seem to know what to say at all and simply shook her head. "We have to go," she said finally. "We're at the Citadel."
Her words made Helena's heart leap, but before she could ask any other questions, Miranda disappeared, leaving her to wonder if she should follow her or wait. Helena looked at the remains of her hair and simply decided that she had done the right thing. She was about to push herself up when Miranda returned, motioning to her to stay down. She slipped a woollen hat into Helena's hands.
"Put that on," she said. "You can't go out like that, you'll catch a cold."
Helena snorted and slipped the woollen hat over her head, curious at the difference in sensation. "You sound like my grandmother," she pointed out. "Whose is this?"
Miranda had left the room again briefly and pushed in a wheelchair. "Kenneth's," he said. "He says you can have it. Why did you cut your hair, Helena? You should just have waited..." She trailed off, perhaps realising that there was nothing to be done with it. "How do you feel?"
Helena would've replied ecstatic, but realised that there was no sense in antagonising the situation further. She pulled back a bit, allowed herself to feel her body, the fever that definitively still burned inside her and the pain in her shoulder. The happiness that she had felt mere minutes ago was filtering away to a sensation of fear she had been trying to avoid.
"I'm okay," she said quietly. "What's going to happen now?"
Sensing her change of mood, Miranda hesitated. "We're in the process of transferring the patients," she said quietly. "I had logged all beforehand so they are collecting them in the order that they can be treated. Can you move over?" She indicated to the wheelchair and Helena simply sighed and nodded. The world was slowly catching up to her again and she drew the edge of the hat around her ears. What will Rinn say? Gods, what have I done?
"How many are you transferring?" she queried. "Am I still... going? Or are you going to put me back in the infirmary?"
Miranda shook her head and instead of transferring the IV bags took the one tube out and plugged the catheter line.
"No," she said. "You will have to go to Huerta. We're moving the Normandy to a dry dock afterwards for some major structural repairs. And as much as I want to finish what I started I don't have the time to look at you now, Helena. I have other duties."
Because that is what I am, Helena thought miserably. A duty and a threat, once they start thinking about it again.
Her heart ached and she carefully raised her left hand to massage her chest. "And Rinn?"
Miranda didn't answer immediately, but started pushing her towards the elevator. "She's going to have to stay here, it's safer for her."
And the rest of the universe.
Helena didn't say anything as they entered the elevator, realising that the commotion on the engineering deck had died down significantly. Nobody was running around anymore as they had when Samara took her to the room. Nobody was shouting anymore or desperately searching for repairs that they had to make to keep the Normandy afloat. They had done what they needed to do. They had brought the occupants home safe.
Helena wondered if she would ever get the chance to thank them. She didn't say anything to Miranda when the door opened, but pushed herself out of the chair and was able to take two steps to the left before the XO called her back.
"Helena, sit down, where are you going?"
Glancing back at her, Helena grimaced and allowed herself to briefly rest against the wall. "To Rinn," she said. "I have to say goodbye to her."
Miranda's gaze was very cautious. "She's... sleeping."
Shaking her head, Helena fixed her with a knowing look. "Now that's a lie," she said softly and thought of Jack. Don't answer that, you'll only lie to me. "Give me that much, Miranda. I don't know what I'll be coming back to."
They looked at each other, the moment broken only when Chakwas came around the corner, walking on the arm of an unfamiliar man. They were chatting lightly, like old friends and Helena wondered if she somehow knew him.
"I tell you, John," Chakwas was saying. "This is the only way you'll get me on my..." She trailed off when she noticed Helena and the ginger could not help but cringe. Chakwas had a crude bandage around her head and her arm had since been put in a splint. She couldn't help but wonder what Miranda had had to do in all this time that they had taken to reach the Citadel. The man guiding Chakwas did not allow her to stop, but Helena could feel the doctor's eyes on her until the elevator doors closed behind them.
"Dr Ryan Stein," Miranda said quietly. "He's the orthopaedic surgeon who will take care of her arm. They know each other from medical school it seems."
Helena grimaced and sighed. "Will she be alright? Her head? I wasn't fast enough to catch her."
Miranda gave her an odd look. "You took her from the pod?"
Helena nodded slowly and without another word, moved to the infirmary. She could not tell Miranda that it was simply because she had needed medigel for Rinn. That she might not have thought to do it if her friend had not been in such dire need.
There is more than one husk on board this ship.
She expected Miranda to protest, but the woman let her walk. The crew deck was emptier though there were still a few people standing and sitting around with vacant looks in their eyes. Helena didn't dare look at any of them and slipped into the infirmary, seeing that there were no more patients on the floor and most of the beds were cleared. The AI core's door opened for her as it had not done when she needed it the most.
EDI, open this door.
Helena pushed the memory away and stepped into the room. The lights were dimmer than she was used to, but she could immediately pick out Legion's ocular light. The geth had turned to look at her and she didn't dare try and smile at it lest the gesture came out as a sneer. She turned instead to the next person who was sitting on the podium where Legion should've been, where the geth started out its journey on the Normandy. Rinn was sitting upright, her gaze cautious as it followed her movements inside. She squinted at her in confusion and then suddenly, when Helena looked up and met her gaze, she leapt to her feet, a tirade of emotions on her features. The first was recognition and then simple and pure relief. But, then her mind seemed to catch with her body and she looked terrified suddenly and deeply, deeply ashamed. It hurt Helena and it had been the reason she had wanted to stay with her friend. Alone, Rinn had had time to think.
It was Rinn facing her, she was sure of that. Her friend's eyes were clear, red-rimmed as if she had either been crying or was still trying very hard not to cry and her features were tense in a way Helena knew the husk would never be able to fake. And, there was despair. That despair that Helena had dragged from her memories, had dragged into her soul. It was still there, woven into the fabric that kept her sane.
Helena did not drop her gaze, but moved as far as the kinetic barrier allowed her. Then, she simply touched it and glanced behind her. Miranda had moved to the door, but stayed there, her gaze focused on both Helena and Rinn.
"EDI," Helena said softly and turned back to her friend. "Don't make me ask."
Rinn's eyes were filling up with horror as she backed back to the podium. "No," she said and turned a bewildered look on Miranda who was still standing in the doorway of the AI core. "No don't." When her gaze met Miranda's she looked as if she wanted to scream. "Why did you bring her here?" she queried almost desperately. "Why are you doing this?"
With their eye contact broken, Helena turned back to Miranda and just gave her a look. It wasn't threatening or pleading, but it communicated her need as she had when she asked the woman to explain to her what was wrong with Rinn. Miranda met her gaze and there was warmth there, understanding.
Perhaps she knows why I kissed her.
"I can't stop her," the Cerberus agent said quietly, much to Rinn's dismay.
"Don't let her in," the woman pleaded, but Helena was having none of it.
"There will be hell to pay if she doesn't," she said gruffly, but with less threat than she meant. "EDI, Miranda – please drop this."
Rinn looked as if she considered getting onto the podium, her gaze wild as Miranda finally lifted her head. "EDI?" she queried simply and the barrier vanished in the next second. Rinn looked ready to bolt and shifted away from Helena until her back was pressed against the wall beside the podium. Helena paid her horror no mind, couldn't give it any thought.
If I give into it now I will never be able to touch her again, never have her be comfortable with me again.
She walked till she was within touching distance of her friend and carefully reached out to take her hand. Rinn flinched immediately and shook her head. "Don't," she tried, her voice quiet and clearly upset.
Helena didn't know how to deal with it as a part of her wanted to respond, to step back. But she couldn't, knowing what was at stake.
"You don't," she said quietly and forced some quiet steel into her voice, meeting her friend's gaze. "This is not necessary. Not from you. Not between us. Not here, in this moment. Don't."
Again her friend looked as if she wanted to scream, to rage at her, but Rinn took a deep breath and closed her eyes, dropping her gaze to the floor. She exhaled as Helena reached out to touch her good hand and it dawned on the ginger that they were both compromised now on their dominant side. Irony. This time, when Helena's fingers brushed her hand, she didn't flinch back but allowed the ginger to enclose first her fingers, then her whole hand around hers. Helena heard Rinn's shaky breath, but despite that, carefully stepped closer to her. When she was close enough, she exchanged her left hand for her right, its grip trembling as it locked with Rinn's uninjured hand. Helena briefly saw the pain and regret in her friend's features when the touch registered. Her friend's own touch became more cautious, as if she was afraid that the very act of tightening her fingers might hurt Helena more. Free now, Helena reached out with her left hand and carefully enclosed it around Rinn's body. The gesture was awkward perhaps, new. They rarely touched, rarely hugged. As much as Rinn liked touch, craved it, she had always understood that it did not bring Helena the same comfort as it did her.
But it did now. Helena felt something slip away inside her as she finally managed to tighten her arm around her friend, pressing her body against hers. From the hollowness that she had felt ever since she got on board the Normandy, a stronger emotion emerged.
Her own despair, her own grief. When she was able to put her own chin on Rinn's shoulder and felt her friend carefully slip her own arm around her, she had to bite her tongue to stop herself from crying.
What will become of us? What has this world done to us?
She had no way to answer it.
"Lena..." Rinn started and suddenly, her friend's self-control broke with a sob. "Lena, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry."
Loathing the words, loathing the fact that Rinn felt that she needed to hear it, Helena tightened her arm around her friend as tightly as she dared.
"There's no need to be sorry," she began. "Rinn, you did nothing wrong. You didn't do anything wrong." It was that fucking monster. Her words made her friend cry harder. It was a miserable, wretched sound and it was shaking the same one loose inside Helena. Don't cry. "Rinn, it's not your fault, it's mine. I couldn't keep you safe." She couldn't stop it, couldn't stop the tears, the pain that welled up inside her chest and tore loose inside her like a sob. "I am so sorry."
There was no way to stop herself, no way to get around it. Helena cried with Rinn as her friend spoke near unintelligible confessions of guilt, as she apologised over and over again for what she had done. And, Helena tried to meet those apologies with her own, to try and break it through to her friend that she didn't blame her.
More than anything, Helena felt responsible. She had tried to ignore the feeling while Samara watched over her and almost forgot about it around Jack. But here, in the face of what had gone wrong, in the company of her friend who had been harmed and violated beyond repair, her own guilt pulsed against her.
Rinn was quiet for a moment, her apologies fading as her body trembled against Helena's. The ginger had rubbed her friend's back, then finally tangled her hand in her friend's dark hair. Rinn's movements were more cautious, restricted to her lower back. She was terrified of harming her further, Helena could tell.
"You believed," her friend whispered as Helena took a moment to try and get her emotions under control. "You believed in the mine that Shepard would save us. You believed... in me. You pulled us out of there." Helena began to deny it, but Rinn shook her head. "Thank you, Lena. You saved me more than once. Not just in this world. I just... I wish it didn't cost you as much as it did."
Cost? Helena thought. I have simply lost my body. It can be salvaged, repaired. You?
She started crying again, unable to stop the tears from streaming down her face. Have I ever cried like this? Have I ever grieved for another as I do now?
"I couldn't save you," Helena whispered. "If I had... I didn't save you. I am so sorry, Rinn." When she sobbed her friend's name she tried to collect herself. She took a deep breath, pressing her face close to Rinn's ear. "I would take it for you if I could. I am so sorry for what I did."
Her friend touched her back, then carefully reached up and rubbed her neck, touching and shifting the hat for a moment. It seemed to give her pause, but then she said quite clearly.
"None of that."
Helena wouldn't hear it. "I am so sorry," she tried again. "I really didn't mean it. I had to... But I didn't... I don't... None of what I said, I believed. You have to believe me." It was so important.
Her friend sighed, clearly in more control of her emotions than Helena currently was. When the ginger began to slip to the floor, Rinn guided her down and they sat together, their bodies and limbs still tangled together, the only remnants of their own world and proof that their past had been real.
"You did what you had to do," Rinn said softly. "If you hadn't, I would've..." She trailed off and sighed, the sound tired. "You did nothing wrong."
Helena shook her head and carefully drew it away so that she could rest her forehead against Rinn. She could not look her in the eyes, lest the woman saw the guilt she harboured there.
"Neither did you," she said vehemently and meant it. "Don't ever move away from me again. You didn't do it."
Her friend sighed, perhaps calling her a liar, perhaps too tired to fight her. Or, hopefully accepting her words. "I love you, Lena," she said softly and the words almost made Helena cry again.
"And I you," she said and meant it. "You are the best of me here."
Rinn blinked at the words, drew away from her so that she could frown at her features and then just closed her eyes and hugged her again. It lasted for a few seconds and, when she let go, Helena knew it would be the last one they'd share for a bit. She shifted away from Rinn, giving her space. Her friend's dull green eyes studied her for a moment, her gaze touching her hat.
"I'm still not safe to be around," Rinn said. "You're taking a big risk. I don't... Helena, I don't know when the change will happen."
When you feel the inexplicable urge to laugh at my terror, Helena thought quietly and patted her friend's leg before shifting in beside her. She was hurting again and her temple was throbbing with the headache that had never quite disappeared.
"You are for the moment," she said quietly. "That's good enough for me." She turned so that she could look at the door and, tired, allowed her head to rest against Rinn's shoulder. She could almost feel Miranda approaching, EDI telling her that they had both finished their little sob fest.
Her friend made a murmuring sound and carefully reached up with her good hand to push the hat away from Helena's head. The ginger bore her scrutiny, awaiting her judgement. She could pick up Rinn's confusion and, perhaps, that spark of despair.
"Interesting look," she said quietly and pulled the hat back over Helena's head. The ginger barked a laugh and had to stop herself from reaching up to adjust it self-consciously.
"Jack thought so," she pointed out. "It... I... Plead the fifth." She didn't know why she said it.
She felt Rinn smiling at her and shrug. "Finally gathered the courage to do it, huh?" she said. "Wait until you feel wind blowing on you. It's weird." Rinn had shaven her head for a cancer drive, on more than one occasion.
Helena felt her acceptance and relaxed a little. "Can't wait," she murmured, settling into a comfortable position where she could watch both Legion and the door. She could tell that Legion's full attention was on their interaction and knew in a strange way that, if Rinn turned now, they would lock her in with her. "I figured it might be easier to handle. I didn't give it much thought, but... it made sense." She sighed, her pending relocation coming back to mind. "I don't know what... they are going to do in hospital." If they put me back into a box, I will lose it.
Rinn sighed and rubbed her face, her features twisting to a frown. "Huerta right?" she queried softly. "EDI said that they were going to transfer the worst patients there. She told me when we docked. When... are they taking you?"
Helena sighed and rubbed her own brow. She was beginning to realise that the AI core felt very hot.
"Any time now," she said and felt her friend nod. "I'm not given much of a choice. They could just have kept me here."
Her friend laughed at something in her tone. "You really want to fight about going to a hospital to get patched up?"
Helena's answer was immediate. "Yes," she said stubbornly and her answer made Rinn bark a laugh. It was loud and full of endearment and it gave Helena some hope that they might just get out of this with their souls in tact. Her friend quickly got the laugh under control and shook her head. "It's for the best, Lena," she said. "Besides, imagine – the Citadel. All those people. I have always wanted to go there. Always. And just imagine all those nurses you can flirt with."
Helena snorted, thinking that from what she remembered about Huerta from ME3 there was mostly salarians and asari there with only one or two humans. She expected Rinn to recall the same, but...
I wonder if she remembers it...
"That's a fucking fantastic thing to look forward to," Helena said dryly and chose her next words carefully. "Do you know anything about it...? I mean, I never... Went." Helena, a PlayStation 3 gamer by choice, had never played the first Mass Effect. She had read up about it religiously, knew the missions by heart. But she had never walked on the Citadel. And she didn't want to remind Rinn that it had been a part of Mass Effect 3.
Her friend seemed to consider her answer.
"Well it won't be half bad," she said in a thoughtful tone of voice. "It must be good, Lena."
Good at what? Helena thought bitterly. What will they do to me besides my shoulder? I spoke about the future... I have that talk with Katelyn looming...
She closed her eyes against Rinn's shoulder and made a murmuring sound. "Are you alright?" She asked instead. "Have they looked at you? Fed you?"
Rinn carefully reached up and touched her head, once again fussing with the woolly hat. "I... haven't been awake for very long," she confessed. "They took care of my hand at least." Helena glanced down at her well-bandaged right hand and wondered if it had been Miranda or Chakwas who looked at her. Rinn's next words were very soft. "Katelyn's been by."
Katelyn Shepard. Helena sighed, wondering when the commander was going to grace her with her presence. How will I explain it all?
If she destroyed the base, I will try very hard...
She carefully reached out to Rinn's injured hand and touched her arm, lifting up her sleeve to see if they had dealt with the cut as well. That too was bandaged. I wonder what her hand looks like? The door to the AI core opened, revealing briefly the well-proportioned silhouette of Miranda Lawson. Helena studied her and sighed, realising that her time must be running out. Sure enough, the XO held up her hand.
"Five minutes, Helena," she said simply and glanced at Rinn who had tensed beside her. "Your team is here."
Helena smiled at her, but Rinn must've seen her distinct lack of enthusiasm because she reached out and cautiously touched her hand. "Go, Lena," she said softly. "Just go for yourself. You need it. Just... worry about yourself for once, please. You've been looking out for me ever since the mine."
Helena blinked at the words and wondered how her friend could say it in view of what she had said on the base. She grimaced and shifted away from Rinn for a bit without breaking contact. She struggled with her words suddenly, to put her emotions to words. I have never been good with this. Her gaze landed on a familiar object and she realised that Rinn was still wearing her St Christopher, the tiny pendant hanging outside her friend's shirt. Rinn must've sensed what she was looking at and carefully placed her hand over the necklace.
"Did you have them put it on me?" she queried and carefully pulled it away from her neck so that the silver pendant was clearly visible on her thumb.
Remembering the day she got it, Helena nodded quietly, her heart aching for the world that she had lost and the people she had lost with it.
Rinn must've seen the memory because her hand began to move back and fumble for the clasp. Helena quickly reached out and stopped her, shaking her head slightly. The gesture made Rinn pause and she gave the door an uncertain look.
"Aren't you going to miss it?" she queried softly, her voice uncertain. "It's... always been... part of you." The hesitation in Rinn's voice made Helena love her all the more, remembering that the husk didn't falter in her words. She looked at the St Christopher again and shook her head.
"As are you," she said simply. "Keep it, it's yours."
Rinn's cheeks coloured as she smiled embarrassed. She leaned forward and, for a moment, Helena almost thought that she was going to kiss her, but instead her friend simply touched her brow against Helena's.
"Thank you, Lena," she whispered. "Really, thank you."
The ginger smiled, touched her friend's cheek and then briefly touched the St Christopher. She saw movement out of the corner of her eyes and saw that there were more people in the infirmary, a small gurney between them. It made her shiver. Except for Miranda, they were all strangers. She grimaced and turned back to Rinn who was looking at her concerned.
"You will be here when I come back," Helena stated softly, but her friend seemed to take it as question.
"I don't think they're going to let me off the ship," she pointed out wryly. "So, yes. I guess."
If I don't change back.
Helena nodded slowly and began to push herself in such a position that she could get her exhausted and seemingly broken body upright. Her fear began to grow, especially when she saw that Miranda was coming closer to help her.
"Rinn I..." She began and faltered. "Rinn, I don't know what they're going to do to me." The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them and they were insufficient to describe her fear, her uncertainty. Helena didn't know what to share with Rinn, but a part of her wanted to warn her that they might even have more to fear from the Normandy crew now that they suspected they knew more than they let on. But, her friend couldn't follow her line of thought, perhaps forgetting what had brought them all to this mess.
"You'll be okay, Lena," she said softly, her tone changing to timid now that Miranda was close. Helena couldn't say anything else as the ship's XO took her by her good shoulder and carefully pulled her up. Rinn remained where she was, her green eyes still dull as Miranda slowly marched Helena to the awaiting medics. There was a lot that Helena wanted to say to her suddenly, stuff that she remembered she wanted to apologise for. Stuff she wanted to confess. But there was no more time. Helena knew that the kinetic barrier had snapped back into place the moment she and Miranda was clear of it and, like the closing of a book, the end of a story, the door to the AI room closed the moment she was in the infirmary.
Looking at the strangers who were reaching out to help her, to touch her, Helena's instinct to run was only overruled by the one, singular thought.
She had nowhere to run to.