Chapter 21: The One Where Joey Moves Out

Joey kept his word; he's gone when Chandler comes home from work the next day. Chandler feels dread sink in his chest at the sight of the half-empty apartment. He reminds himself that Joey can be very dramatic, and this is probably just another one of those times. Odds are that Joey's hiding over at Ross's place, waiting for Chandler to call all desperate, but Chandler's not going to play into that. So he doesn't panic too much at first. It's actually sort of nice having the apartment to himself after so long.

He's panicking a little by the first week of December when Joey hasn't called or even dropped by Monica and Rachel's. Yeah, maybe Joey's angry at him, but Chandler didn't expect him to shut everyone else out too. He doesn't know if the girls have seen Joey at Central Perk, and it's not like he's going to ask, because that would actually require him to explain why Joey hasn't been around, and that's a can of worms Chandler's not ready to open yet.

It's things like this, he thinks, that made Joey leave.

But Chandler knows that Joey's too much of an extrovert to survive very long without social contact. He's bound to show up eventually, even if he just acts like Chandler's dead to him.

Chandler starts smoking again by the second week of December, which spurs the others' concern about what happened with Joey. He fumbles with an answer, gives some half-assed excuse about having a fight and Joey moving out to spend time with his family, because it's still the holidays and that sort of makes sense. He tells Monica something about Joey being busy with auditions, which isn't the same thing he'd said when they were at Central Perk a few days ago, and if anyone's going to dig too deep into this it's going to be Monica.

He tells himself he's taking on extra hours at work to keep his mind off of the whole debacle, but a small part of himself really doesn't want to be alone in that apartment for too long; the absence of Joey is everywhere he looks.

One evening after work, Chandler comes home to a message from Joey on the answering machine. He learns that Joey's moved into a high-end apartment complex not too far from here. Chandler leaves a pathetically desperate message on voicemail. But Joey doesn't call him back.

Monica invites him over to her apartment a few days before Christmas, her eyes filled with that pitying look Chandler's come to know very well over the past few weeks. "I don't know what your plans are," she says, "but we're having a little early Christmas party if you want to come join us."

Chandler nods. "Yeah, that'd be nice."

He pads across the hall in his pajamas, greeted by Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel when he opens the door. But Joey's missing, and that cuts him deeper than he expected it would. Rachel sort of winces at the sight of him, though she tries to hide it. He must look worse than he thought.

"Joey left something for you," Phoebe says, trying to lift Chandler's spirits. She skips over to the Christmas tree near the window and grabs a small package at its feet. "He wanted to give it to you in person, but you weren't home." Phoebe places the tiny box in his hands, and he sits in the vacant spot on the couch. He stares at the box for a moment before tearing off the paper. Monica sits beside him and lays a hand on his shoulder.

Inside the box is a gaudy, ostentatious gold bracelet. Chandler picks it up and turns it around in his fingers to read the engraving on the inside: to my best bud.

Chandler feels the half-hearted tug of a smile at the corner of his mouth. He wonders if Joey planned on giving him this before their break-up, and if the message still holds true now.

"Ooh, sparkly!" Phoebe squeals, snatching the bracelet out of his hand for a closer look. "'To my best bud.'Aw, Chandler, that's so sweet!"

Chandler shrugs, his throat suddenly tight. When he can speak again, he says, "He probably couldn't return it." He chuckles dryly and feels the prickle of tears in his eyes. Chandler takes the bracelet back, reaches up to wipe away any trace of tears before they can spill over. "God, I'm such an idiot..."

Monica squeezes his shoulder. "What happened between you two? Is all this refusal to communicate is just macho posturing?"

Chandler chokes out a dry laugh. Macho posturing: yeah, that sounds about right. Chandler usually avoids being honest with himself, but he thinks that most of his fear of announcing his relationship with Joey stems from his fear of admitting that he likes men. It doesn't feel like it really counts when he's carrying it on behind closed doors, but when people actually know about it... To Chandler, that's like admitting that he's not so different from his father.

But Chandler's sick of feeling shitty about it now. Joey was the best thing he's ever had in his life, and he threw it away for, what, his ego? His pride? Well, he's got those things, and he's goddamn miserable.

"Joey and I were"—he stumbles over the words—"dating for a while, and he didn't want to keep it a secret any more."

Ross is the only one who looks stunned. The girls just look at Chandler, then at each other as if the revelation is old news.

"Dating?" Ross manages. "Like...dating each other?"

Chandler just nods.

Phoebe's eyes go wide. "Ah! Joey was right!"

"About?"

"He told me a long time ago that he was your secret boyfriend, but I thought he was just kidding!" She laughs. "Aw, you guys."

Rachel smacks her palm on top of her thigh. "I knew it! I knew you two were hiding something! That's why Joey asked me all those weird questions!"

"How long were you..." Monica lets the end of that sentence disintegrate.

"About nine months," Chandler admits.

"That's like a whole baby!" Phoebe sort of shouts.

Chandler and Monica both answer, "I know!"

Ross is still gathering his thoughts in astonished silence. "You—you and Joey?" Chandler nods grimly. "You...and Joey?" Another nod. "You and Joey?"

This is the kind of shit Chandler wanted to avoid. "Can we get past this, please?"

"Okay, I—I get you, but Joey?"

Chandler frowns. "Thanks, man."

"Why did you keep this a secret for so long?" Monica asks him.

"Because I'm an idiot," Chandler says, dropping his head into his hands. "I was scared and stupid. I didn't want to...admit it, y'know? I spent my whole life being embarrassed by my dad, and now it's like...I am him. And the longer I put it off, the bigger it got, until it's this huge secret I can't possibly tell anyone 'cause they're just gonna make a big deal about it." He shoves a hand through his hair, twists the strands in his fingers. "And what's the next step for us? I mean, we already live"—he catches his mistake—"lived together. So it's not like we could take our relationship to the next level that way. It'd have to be something way bigger than that, like marriage or children."

Phoebe's staring at him in amazement. "Your head must be a scary place."

"You're not your dad, honey," Monica says. "You're you. Liking other guys...that doesn't mean you're some new person now or that you're just like him."

Chandler wishes he could make sense out of all the doubts and worries in his head. He doesn't know how to describe it, to make it so that they understand why this fear has gripped him for so long. "It's not just that," he says, because he thinks he's just going to let that one fester. "If I told you guys, it'd be like—like we'd be an actual couple. And once I started to...feel things that were more than just physical, it scared me even more. It's like an alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!'" There's a horrible sort of guilt inside of him now; he's basically admitting to not telling anyone because he liked Joey too much.

Rachel sighs like Chandler has monumentally disappointed her. "God, that's such a guy thing."

"So he moved out because you two broke up?" Monica asks.

Chandler shuts his eyes and nods. "He felt like I didn't respect him. He took me to his parents' place for Thanksgiving, but I didn't want to tell them about us."

The girls wince. "Ooh, yikes."

"But for me, it felt too much like the Thanksgiving my parents announced their divorce," he says weakly, like he expects to be punished for admitting it. "I told him we could tell them some other time, but I don't have the best track record with excuses..."

Silence hangs in the air for what feels like an eternity, but it's probably only about a couple seconds before Phoebe speaks and breaks it. "We didn't...like, make you feel you couldn't tell us, did we?"

Chandler knows that answering that question honestly would be the worst thing he could say. So he just shakes his head and says, "It's not your fault."

No one argues with that, although they seem to want to. "Are you gonna call him?" Rachel asks.

"Do you think I should?"

"It's Joey," Monica says in disbelief, like the answer is obvious. "You guys are best friends. Don't you wanna work this out?"

"He's not—he's not gonna want to..."

"I think he does," Ross says. Chandler looks over at him, because Ross has been surprisingly silent for this conversation. "He was invested enough in you guys to break up over not telling us. He's probably waiting for you to call and try to fix this."

"He left me a message a couple days ago." Chandler sighs out a breath. "I tried calling him back, but I ended up getting his machine. I left a message, and he didn't..." He shrugs into silence.

"What kind of message?"

"Pathetic, needy, desperate, apologetic. All the big ones."

Monica takes him by the shoulders and forces him to look at her. "Honey, you have to call him and let him know that we know. Once he sees that you've taken that step, he'll want to make this work even more. I promise you: he wants you back, but you have to try, Chandler. You have to show him you're willing to commit—" Chandler's eyes go impossibly wide. "To an adult relationship," Monica stresses. "Honestly, I don't know what Joey's told you, but I really, really doubt he's pressing for babies or marriage. That's all your weird commitment crap."

"Yeah," Ross agrees around a huff of a laugh. "I mean, this is Joey. I'm surprised he managed to stay with the same person for nine months."

Chandler tries a smile, but it's weak and brief, because part of him doesn't think Joey did. Moving out was not a snap decision—Joey had probably let his discontent and unhappiness with their relationship build up inside of him for a while, and this argument was merely the final straw. Who's to say Joey wasn't seeing other people on the side?

"He still cares about you," Phoebe adds, showing him the bracelet as proof. "And, y'know, maybe you won't go back to being boyfriends, but you can still be friends!"

She's trying to be helpful, but it just hurts. Because Chandler remembers the advice he'd given Joey and Ross, about how they shouldn't confess to their crush unless they were certain they could remain friends in the event of rejection. How ironic that he would be the one to cower in the face of his own advice.

Later that night, Chandler goes across the hall to his apartment, feels the empty space there in his bones. He toys with the gold bracelet around his wrist for a moment before picking up the phone. He waits through the rings with a nervous dread twisting in his gut. He's throwing caution to the wind and leaving an impromptu message. Or having an impromptu conversation if Joey answers the phone. This is big for him; Chandler rarely leaves spontaneous messages.

He breathes out a long, slow exhale, and when the machine picks up, he says: "Hey, Joe, it's—it's me. I just wanted to thank you, y'know, for the bracelet. That was—that was really nice of you. I wish I could've done something for you, but I didn't know..." Shit, this is not going well. He hasn't even mentioned the actual reason for the phone call yet. He swallows hard, panic choked in his throat. "Oh, oh, by the way, uh, I—I told them about, y'know, about us," he says, trying to sound casual. "You were right, Joe." He sighs. "God, I'm so sorry. This whole break-up thing... I just—I need you. I need you to want this as much as I do, Joe, okay? I'm sorry this isn't..." He trails off, starts over. "I'm trying. I really am. So just—let's talk it over, okay?"

#

Ross shows up at Joey's new apartment the day after Christmas. It's a rare occasion that his friends stop by this place; usually they catch him at Central Perk instead of coming here. Joey wonders why. It must be hard for them to see Joey and Chandler living two separate lives instead of being blissfully entangled. Maybe this is what Chandler meant about dating all of them, that the repercussions of a break-up would ripple outwards like a nuclear blast.

Ross gives him an awkward half-smile at the door. "Hi."

"Hey." Joey lets him inside, curious as to the reason for his visit. "Everything okay?"

"No, actually. That's—that's what I came to talk to you about."

"Did somethin' happen to Monica?" Ross shakes his head, starts to say something, but Joey cuts him off when another thought pops into his head. "Phoebe?"

"Chandler."

Joey actually gasps out loud as a piercing pain rises up in his chest. "Oh no..." He couldn't—wouldn't... Would he?

Ross furrows his brow for a moment, confused, then his eyes go wide and he's flailing in a panic that reminds Joey way too much of Chandler. "Oh, no! Oh God, no! That's not—No! I just think you should talk to him!"

Joey lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding and drops down into the recliner. It feels strange—lonely, even—without the other chair beside him. "Dammit, Ross, why'd you have to—" He pushes a hand through his hair. "That was just evil, okay?"

"Not on purpose!" Ross whines. "Look, Joey, for what it's worth, Chandler told us the truth. He told us about you two. Don't you think you could at least hear the guy out? Maybe you don't have to jump back into dating, but...you could still be friends, right?"

Joey fixes him with a heavy stare. "What if it was you and Rachel? Could you go back to bein' friends like nothin' happened?"

Ross thinks about it, but he doesn't answer. "Chandler's your best friend."

"He was. Why're you pushin' so hard for him anyway? With him out of the way as my best friend, there's a spot open."

"Oh." Ross blinks. "Who, me?" Joey gives him a look. "Wow, I'm honored! And y'know what I'm gonna do as my first act as your best friend?"

"What?" Joey really hopes it's sandwich-related.

"I'm gonna get you to talk to Chandler."

Joey sighs, his entire body getting into it. "Look, Ross, I'm sorry, but it's just too complicated, alright? Look what it took just to get him to tell you guys! This was just a big mistake."

Ross watches him for a moment before he says, "I saw the look on your face when you thought he was dead. You still have...feelings for him."

"Yeah, well, maybe I do, but I gotta let it be. He broke my heart. I never felt that before. Now I get all those songs!" This is an entirely new realm of emotion for Joey, and he hates it. He wants things back the way they were, when he'd wake up with Chandler cuddled close and kiss his shoulder or the back of his neck. Instead, he wakes up alone.

Ross gives a small shrug, his eyes sad. "Well, I'm sorry. I tried. But I trust your judgement."

Joey listens as Ross's footsteps move toward the door. He stares at the floor, his eyes unseeing for a moment, before he speaks again. "Hey, Ross?"

"Yeah?"

He wets his lips. "If you and Rachel broke up for good, and you got a job where you'd never have to see her again, would you take it to save yourself the heartache?"

Ross looks almost wounded at that. "No. No, I couldn't."

Ross was always the weakest one.

#

A few days later, Chandler gets a phone call. He practically jumps over the top of the recliner in a scramble to answer the phone. "Joe?"

"Hey, Chandler."

He hadn't realized how badly he needed to hear Joey's voice again until just now. In an instant, he feels whole again. "Did you, uh, did you get my message?"

"Yeah, I did... Thanks. I'm glad you told them." Chandler can hear the faint smile in Joey's voice, but there's something off about it, as if Joey's bracing him for something. Like a doctor informing a patient that he's about to die. "But, uh—"

Chandler's heart clenches in his chest. "No! No buts! Please. We can work through this, whatever it is."

Joey gives a drag of a sigh; Chandler can picture the way he's pushing his hand through his hair or rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't think we can."

Chandler doesn't feel the sting of tears until he hears the way his voice is wrecked when he speaks: "No, no, don't—don't say that. Look, it's not easy for me, but I'm trying. I'm trying the best I can."

"I know you are, Chandler, and I appreciate it so much, but..." Joey sighs again, goes silent for a moment. Chandler has to remind himself to breathe. Joey's got some excitement to his voice when he starts talking again: "A couple weeks ago, I tried out for this part for this new TV show. I'm up for the part of Mac Macavelli—or Mac. I'm a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. He's a—he's a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer...or 'C.H.E.E.S.E.'"

"So...Mac and Cheese?"

"Yeah! That's the title! Y'know, they really lucked out that the initials spell 'cheese.'"

Chandler smiles despite himself. God, he's missed this. "That is lucky. So, how'd it go?"

The exuberance in Joey's voice begins to fade. "Oh, it went great! I—I got the part!"

"Congratulations!" Chandler picks up on the way Joey's dancing around the subject. "Wait, what's the catch? You didn't have to sleep with someone to get it, did you?" He chuckles weakly.

"No, nothin' like that."

"Then why do you sound so sad? Is it—is it a time thing?" Of course it is, Chandler thinks. Joey's just unsure if his new job will leave him much time to spend with Chandler to mend their relationship. He's relieved, in a way, because they can work through this, they can—

"No, it's more of a...distance thing."

Chandler feels his mouth go dry.

"See, the show's filmed in L.A... Y'know, the one in California."

"I guess the local one was all booked up." Chandler's knees go weak, and he steadies himself against the kitchen counter. "So, uh, so I guess you're gonna move there, right?"

"I dunno... I mean, if I go, I'd get to be the star of my own TV series, y'know? It's not as big as Days of Our Lives, but it could be! But... I'd have to leave you and Pheebs and Ross and Monica and Rachel... I love you guys. You're like my family."

Chandler curls his free hand around the back of his neck. Awareness begins to spread like a trickle of acid through his veins. "Have you told them yet?"

"No, I haven't told anybody. Just you. I don't wanna say anything 'til I'm sure."

Chandler hears the subtext there: Joey wants him to help make this decision, and he trusts Chandler enough to guide him in the right direction. Every synapse in his brain is screaming for Chandler to be selfish here, because they're talking again and he's getting a chance to fix what he's broken. But he knows that this is an incredible opportunity for Joey. To take that away just so he doesn't have to lose him would be the most selfish thing Chandler could do.

What feels like an eternity of silence passes by, but it's probably only a couple of seconds. "I think you should go," Chandler finally says, his voice a whisper.

"Really?" Joey sounds stunned and maybe a little scared. "You do?"

"Yeah, it's—it's what you want, isn't it? Your own TV show: that's big! They don't give those to just anybody." His voice sort of cracks off at the end, so he stops talking.

Joey tries a chuckle. "Thanks, Chandler. I guess I just needed to hear it from you." Chandler squeezes his eyes shut, feels the steady trickle of tears. "You guys are gonna come visit me, right?"

"Yeah, of course." It's painful the way Joey says things without saying them at all, the way he just knows Chandler isn't going to fix this. Joey might be daft sometimes, but he's not stupid enough to even entertain the idea that Chandler might come with him. That unspoken certainty hurts more than any cruel words he could have chosen.

"Hey, listen, I gotta go, but I'll call you later, okay?"

"Yeah, sure. Good night, Joe."

"Goodbye, Chandler."

Chandler feels a dragging, tearing sense of loss as he hangs up the phone. He stares at the counter until he can't see anymore, then he feels the tile beneath his knees. His head swirls dizzily with all the ways he's hurt Joey, every off-handed comment and manipulation, each mistake he's made. The pain knocks him breathless, even as he's curled against the bar and choking out weak sobs.

What feels like a long stretch of time passes by this way before someone's knocking on the door. Chandler scrambles for some semblance of composure, wipes his tears away with the too-long sleeves of his sweatshirt. It takes him a moment to get to his feet and ascertain that his voice won't betray him when he answers.

Monica's at the door, her grey t-shirt covered in a powdery substance that looks like flour. "We're out of milk. Can I use—" Her eyes go wide and anxious when she gets a good look at him. "Oh my God, Chandler, are you okay? Did something happen?"

He shakes his head. "No, I'm fine. Joey and I just...had to talk about some things that were hard." He swallows, struggling to keep his voice from breaking under the lie. "We'll be okay."

She curls a hand around his arm. Chandler fights for control over the swell in his throat and the wetness in his eyes, "Oh, honey..."

"I'll be fine. It's nothing."

"You don't have the best luck with holidays, do you?" she says, trying humor.

Chandler manages a smile. "So, what're you making?"

Her words pull the thread that unravels him: "Mac and cheese." And that's what sends it all toppling down, his reserve of inner strength dropping out from under him. He starts laughing, because it's so goddamn ridiculous, and he pulls her into a hug that's too tight, like he might lose himself if he lets go. He's laughing and crying into her hair, his hands curled into fists behind her back. Monica hugs him back.

Then he's just crying.