Chapter 21

The Scars That Shape Us

Summary:

Aerith and Cloud have a heart to heart. Cloud's affections for Zack continue to grow and he wants to share himself more with Zack. ... But it's very difficult.

They had been driving in silence for a while and getting closer to the city limits before Zack decided to break the quiet.

"How was Axel today? Did he behave?"

"He completely ignored me. It was heaven!"

They both laughed.

"You know, I'm curious- but you don't have to answer if you don't want to. You never have to answer if you don't want to, ok?"

...

Zack waited for a reply.

"Cloud?" He glanced over to see a wicked grin on the others face.

"You are so cheeky!" Zack reached over to ruffle Cloud's hair.

Cloud laughed at having being able to mess with Zack.

"So ... what do you want to ask me?" Cloud said still chuckling.

"Were you so upset because Axel - well he's just Axel and his personality can be grating? Or - was it because he's a guy?" The last part of the question came out so softly but Cloud felt the weight behind Zack's voice. The butterflies in his stomach began fluttering again.

"Axel is pushy, arrogant, self-centered and too assuming. Just thinking about him makes me mad," Cloud huffed, hoping that answered the question without him having to get into his sexual preferences.

"He certainly is all of those things. But he's also a product of his past, like all of us are. He's not had an easy life and he tries to hide it behind cockiness and self-assuredness."

Cloud was surprised to hear Zack speak so level headed about Axel.

"How do you even know him?"

Zack was silent for a while, weighing things up in his mind that Cloud couldn't even guess at.

"You know that kid I had to look after in the military?"

"No - really?" Cloud said with disbelief.

"Yeah. - That was Axel. He was a really good kid. His parents just put too many expectations on him and wanted him to be someone that didn't fit with his personality."

"It's really sad how parents can mess their kids up sometimes. I think Axel has just always been looking for someone or something to fill him up. Make that emptiness go away and quell the flames inside of him."

"I'm definitely not the person who's able to do that for him," said Cloud with more compassion than he had felt before towards the redhead.

"I couldn't either. There was just too much history. And a resentment that I'm not proud of. And I think that broke him even more." Zack sighed and they fell into a prolonged, albeit comfortable silence.

They arrived with the sunrise. Zack greeted Aerith in much the same way as he had the last time they were here and they busied themselves with unpacking and stocking the outhouse.

The day flew past. Colin, Rupert and Denzel hung out with them all day and Zack let them help with sawing planks, or nailing things together, even though Aerith voiced her displeasure and urged them to be careful.

During the hottest part of the day everyone sought shade. Cloud rested against a tree and Zack purposefully left him to enjoy his solitude.

"You look really peaceful there."

Cloud opened his eyes to see Aerith with a cool drink held out to him.

"Thank you, Aerith."

She sat down beside him.

"Denzel is really excited about you helping him build his robot," she said with a smile.

"The kids really clever. He showed me how far he's gotten. I just helped him tweak a few things and now it's moving really well. I'll bring him some more gears, chips and wiring next time we come up."

"That's really generous of you, thank you!"

Aerith saw Clouds discomfort and laughed gently.

"Oh I'm sorry Cloud. Zack told me I needed to stop thanking you so much."

She put her hand over her heart and raised the other, "I promise I'll only thank you once a day."

"Now you're just teasing me," said Cloud, feeling a bit hurt.

"Only a little." Aerith nudged him playfully and Cloud just couldn't help but smile back at her.

"Compliments can be hard to take. But you know how you become better at taking them?"

"How?"

"You just accept them when they come your way. Just for a brief moment allow yourself to take it, and hold it, like you actually deserve it. Then you can throw it away. But over time you become able to hold them for longer. And one day you'll actually believe the nice things that people say about you."

"Will you give it a try for me?"

Cloud thought about it for a while.

"Sure." He didn't know how anyone could refuse her. Maybe that's why the children were always so well behaved when she gave out orders.

"Can I get a little more conviction from you, please?"

"I'll try my best," tried Cloud again.

"Much better."

"You have a gift for being convincing, you know that?"

"Thank you, Cloud! Zack always says the same thing, so I accept that compliment!" she smiled at him. "See how easy it is?" Aerith giggled and Cloud let out a quiet chuckle.

"How long have you and Zack been together for?" Cloud didn't want to hear the answer but he just had to know.

"We've known each other for four years now. Or has it been five…?"

"That's not…"

"Hmm? Oh?… OH!... You mean together together?!" a faint blush spread across her delicate face.

"Well -," she put her hands in her lap and interlaced her fingers "We're… not really together."

Now Cloud was thoroughly confused and Aerith could see it in his face.

"It's… a bit complicated for others to understand, I think. We're invested in making this orphanage work and getting the best outcome for all our children. How we feel about each other is secondary. We love each other but we aren't in a romantic relationship, if that makes any sense."

"But - I've seen you two…" Cloud blushed, not wanting to come across as a perverted voyeur.

"Well… I don't know about you, but… Zack has needs… and so do I. And there's no shame in that."

They both looked at each other, and both were blushing. It started off gently but turned into a raucous flood of laughs, each feeding the others belly laugh. It was good to relieve the tension and embarrassment they both were feeling.

Aerith got back up after a while, still feeling the aftershocks of the laughter lingering in her body. She wiped at her joyous tears. "It was a good chat, Cloud."

Cloud agreed.

"I hope that cleared the air a bit. Zack is all there for your taking, if you want him." She winked at him and walked back down the hill, glasses in hand, leaving a still blushing Cloud to deal with his butterflies and racing heart.

Zack groaned as he stretched out in his small bed. It had been a tough day. So much awkward and heavy lifting, so much digging and pounding the ground flat, to prepare the fields for another season of sowing. And to top it all off the older boys had still insisted on getting piggy-back rides. Zack would have to put a stop to that very shortly. His body had absolutely had it for today.

"Those kids really don't let up on you," he heard Cloud say with amusement in his voice.

"You're more than welcome to take them off my hands next time."

"Are you really sore?"

"Yeah. My backs done for. I think I'll just die here."

Zack rolled over on his stomach with one arm curled under his pillow and the other draping over the edge of his bed and hitting the floor. He let his eyes drift shut.

"Every which way I move it hurts," he bemoaned.

"You're such a baby," came Cloud's voice from right above him. Zack felt his mattress dip and a heavy weight descend on his thighs. Zack's eyes fluttered open and he lifted his head, looking back to see Cloud straddling his lower half. Zack's heart all of a sudden came to life at the sight.

"W-what are you doing?"

"Helping."

Cloud leaned forward and lay his ice cold hands on Zack's shoulders.

"AaaahhhhH! COOOOLD!" he yelped.

"Baby!" came the uncharitable response and Cloud's hands moved into action massaging and kneading the developing knots out of his muscles. Zack moaned loudly in sheer bliss.

"You're really - ahh - good at this. Why are you so good at this?" he muffled into his pillow.

There was no response for a while, but the heavenly massage continued.

"My mom always did this for my dad when he came home from a campaign. He never stayed around for long, and when he was home he wanted to do nothing but rest. Mom pampered him. I wanted to spend more time with dad so she taught me and then I was able to take over. I'd do this for him for hours. And we'd talk about everything and nothing." Zack could hear the smile in Cloud's voice, and wished he could see it.

"Thank you, Cloud's mom, for teaching Cloud something really awesome," Zack said with a lot of sincerity.

"I think my mom would have liked you."

"That's nice of you to say," Zack just smiled into his pillow and enjoyed Cloud's hands running all over him.

Zack could feel his arms begin to goose flesh with the sheer pleasure of having Cloud's hands run all over his back. He especially loved it when Cloud started on his lower back, massaging his waist and dipping beneath the waistband of his boxers.

"It's not really my butt that's sore, Cloud," Zack joked.

"Laugh all you want but you'd be surprised to know how many back muscles actually run all the way down to here." Cloud gave a firm push against Zack's buttock and Zack moaned in pleasure.

"Alright. I won't question your wisdom."

Cloud ran one hand down the back of Zack's arm, for the first time noticing the prickly flesh.

"Are you cold? Do you need a blanket?"

"No, I'm fine. You just make me feel so good." Zack felt Cloud's hands stop for the briefest of moments. He probably shouldn't have said that but his body was starting to run the show and Zack's mind was about to take a vacation.

Zack could feel the tension tightening, and the blood pooling in his groin. Cloud had that effect on him, but this time it felt ten times more powerful. He had wanted to strip Cloud down and kiss him gently all over for weeks now. Had wanted to run his hands down that slender frame and between his legs. Stroke, lick and swallow - and have the same be done to himself. Zack moaned softly as those thoughts pushed into his mind once again. He was utterly glad that he was laying on his stomach. Cloud would probably run for the hills if he knew what reaction his hands were eliciting from Zack's body.

Zack had been extra careful with how much physical contact he made since that day when he went to hug Cloud. He hadn't been sure how comfortable Cloud was with physical contact but he had thought 'to hell with it'. Zack had always felt better after he received a hug and had hoped Cloud would appreciate it too. But it all deteriorated from that point forward.

Zack had been terrified of losing Cloud. The way he had said 'I should go' - it had a ring of finality to it and Zack realized how much he did not want there to be a day when this cute, gorgeous and brave but damaged soul wasn't around him. The way that Cloud could not look at him - the way he blushed or looked flustered - the way he had looked at Zack that night when Zack decided to wear his heart on his sleeve and sing for Cloud - He had realized that he loved Cloud so much that it hurt.

And so Zack had decided to keep his distance, to wait and see, fearing that any strong professions of his feelings might scare Cloud right away.

The massage he was getting right now was beyond anything Zack would have ever imagined to be possible. It made him think that 'wait and see' might be the right approach to gain Cloud's affections. And he wanted those affections so badly.

He moaned again for good measure, showing his appreciation to Cloud.

Eventually Cloud stopped massaging him but began tracing his fingers along the scars on Zack's back.

"Did it hurt?"

Zack's head felt fuzzy with pleasure but he tried to bring his mind back into his body, so he could give an appropriate answer.

"It was like thousands of burning needles going into me all at once," said Zack slowly. "But that was nothing compared to having the medics dig out all the pieces. I lay there for hours, with no pain meds available to take the edge off - just thinking of my uncle, and why it was that I was spared but he had to die."

"Now that hurt."

Cloud had found a nodule and gently rubbed it, not having any words to comfort Zack.

"It doesn't disgust you?"

"No," Cloud said quietly, beginning to touch the scars he hadn't yet gotten to.

"Well it horrified me at first. To be fair, it looked a lot worse for the first two years though. It felt like I was branded. Every time I caught sight of myself it was a mocking reminder of all my past failures to save Angeal."

Zack felt Clouds hands broadly sweep his back. He felt a subtle shift of weight and then - Was that - Had Cloud... just kissed his back?

"How do you feel about it now?" came the quiet voice above him.

"Now -," his mind had fogged up again. That had felt like the gentlest of kisses. Zack shook his head lightly to help focus himself. "Now it's just another part of my history. It's part of the story that shaped me." Zack pulled his arms under himself and propped himself up. He wanted to look at Cloud, not just have him touch him all over, no matter how amazing it had been. Cloud shifted off Zack so he could roll over and sit up properly. In the process of doing so Zack grabbed his blanket and wrapped it around himself mainly to hide his still prominent erection.

"I can't change the past, but I can learn from it." Zack noted that Clouds eyes looked glassy. He automatically reached out and stroked his cheek. It was damp.

"Cloud… why…"

Cloud gently reached up to Zack's hand and pulled it off his face.

"I-...I want to show you something…" Cloud said hoarsely.

Zack took his hand back as he watched Cloud stand up with his back towards him. Cloud stood there for a long while. Zack could tell that his internal critic was working overtime as he debated something big. Eventually Clouds arms crossed his body and he reluctantly and hesitantly pulled his shirt up and over his head, dropping it to the floor.

As soon as Zack saw the beginning of Cloud moving to remove his shirt he knew what was coming. Cloud was trusting him with something so amazingly personal. Zack had no words for how honored he felt. He looked at Clouds back. Just as he had seen it all those weeks ago now. There were red marks all over his back from the middle up, wrapping more around the left than right side.

Now that he could see it better they looked like hundreds of cuts. Some long, some short, but all very deep judging by the fact that they were still so visible.

"Cloud... W-what happened to you?"

Zack saw Cloud lift his face to the ceiling and his shoulders began to shake. At first it was hardly noticeable, but soon Clouds whole body was shaking uncontrollably. An eerie wail escaped Clouds lips and he began to sob hysterically.

Zack felt his throat constrict and a sickening feeling bubbling in his gut. Cloud was in so much pain! Zack sprang up on his knees, discarding the blanket and pulled Cloud down onto the bed gently but firmly. Zack shuffled back until he felt the wall against his back and pulled Cloud along with him. He pressed Cloud against his chest until he was securely sitting between Zack's legs. He wrapped his arms firmly around Cloud's waist from behind and rested his head on Clouds shoulder while the sobs and bitter tears continued.

They stayed like that for a long while. Zack wanted to protect Cloud. Wanted to make him feel safe, but he also felt completely helpless and useless. His forearms had gotten quite wet as Clouds tears continues to roll down and splash onto him, but the pained sobs eventually diminished. Clouds back was towards Zack so he couldn't see his face. Zack reached up to where he assumed Cloud's cheek to be and stroked him with the back of his hand. He placed gentle kisses along Cloud's shoulder and up his neck well into the hairline, breathing in his scent. Zack hoped it would comfort Cloud. He wanted Cloud to know how much he was cared for and loved, without saying anything. Without scaring him away.

Cloud seemed to calm down considerably after that. The night wore on and they just stayed, sitting there. Zack started humming the melody that had been stuck in his head for many weeks.

"D-did y-you ever… fig-gure ou-out the words… for t-that so-ong?" came Cloud's voice through the sobs that were still working their way out of his body.

"Yeah. I figured out what the song was two weeks ago. You want to hear it?"

Cloud's head bobbed up and down in a nod.

Zack moved his hand that was stroking Cloud's cheek to run through the soft locks on his head and he began humming with more strength to get a feel for how the melody would go without the use of his guitar.

-I think of you
-I haven't slept
-I think I do
-But, I don't forget
-My body moves
-Goes where I will
-But though I try my heart stays still
-It never moves
-Just won't be led

-And so my mouth waters, to be fed
-And you're always in my head

-You're always in my head

-You're always in my head
-Always in my...
-Always in my...

-This, I guess, is to tell you you're chosen out from the rest…(1)

Zack started kissing the nape of Cloud's neck again, while softly humming the tune before fading it out to match the silence of the room.

"Do you like it? … It's for you."

"Thank you, Zack," was all that came out of Cloud's mouth.

Zack didn't know what to make of that so he just gave him a gentle squeeze around his waist.

"Let's go to sleep, Cloud. We've got a long drive ahead of us tomorrow."

Despite having told Cloud that they should go to sleep Zack still felt disappointed when Cloud detangled himself from Zack's legs and moved off the bed without another word. Zack hadn't realized how stiff his back had gotten from being pressed against the cool wall for so long. He stifled a groan and straightened out his blanket. He looked up to see Cloud standing next to his bed, with his shirt firmly in place again around his body.

"Zack… can I sleep with you tonight?"

It had been said so quietly that Zack nearly missed it. He stared at Cloud for a moment while the request registered. Cloud started looking anxious and began fidgeting. He looked so young with his too-big-for-him shirt on, and eyes all red and puffy from crying. Zack lifted up the corner of his blanket, being reminded of some of the children who had wanted to sleep and snuggle with Zack when they got night terrors.

Cloud hopped in with his back towards Zack. Zack wrapped the blanket around the both of them, reached up to turn the oil lamp all the way down and slung his arm around Cloud's body.

"Goodnight, Cloud."

"Night, Zack."

A note from Cream Pudding -

The angst is real, people!

(1) - Song Credit - Always In My Head- by Coldplay

A friend of mine drew a scene from this chapter because she loved it so much. Check out her DeviantArt page - her handle is secluded-delusions. I'd link to it but... I have no idea how to link html, and it won't even let me put URL's into this text box. FanFiction dot net sucks in that regard. If anyone has a clue then please let me know. I have so many things I want to link to!

Thanks!