R

i felt someone shaking my shoulder, and looked up to see gina with a worried look on her face. i could barely see her eyebrows scrunched together in the warm glow of the moon pouring through the window. it was oddly cold in here, a draft running through the room.

"tyler, where's josh?" she asked.

"he's right next to-" i hovered my hand over the space next to me and there was nothing.

i shot out of the bed, sitting up and thinking of where he could be.

"he's missing again. would he be at the park?" she asked.

i nodded, maybe he was? i was about to pull on one of josh's shirts that was strewn across the floor when i noticed a rock by the window. upon further glace, i realized it was cold because the rock smashed a hole in the window. shards of glass littered the floor like trash, the moon's light glinting off of the transparent pieces.

i carefully picked up the rock, seeing a little note taped to it written on notebook paper.

josh-

tyler doesn't love you, so fuck off. he loves me, and we're planning on getting married after high school. it's what we both want, including our parents. thanks for the cover up, though.

-jenna

no fucking way.

no way jenna would do this to josh. she wouldn't do this to me. i dropped the rock after thinking of where josh could be, and i headed straight for the park, gina suggesting to come with me.

"no, gina. you should stay here. i'll be back." i said, grabbing my bomber jacket from the coat hanger.

i got into gina's car, she gave me the key. i drove down to the park, in which was lit with bright streetlamps and the lights surrounding the large fountain in the middle of it. i turned the flashlight of my phone on, it being impossible to see the playground clearly, considering it was abandoned.

i shined the flashlight through the dirty glass, but seeing nothing as the glass reflected the light. i climbed up the wall that was on the side, climbing through the tube and peeking my head in. i didn't see anything, so i crawled back out and slid down the slide, its rusty hinges creaking with my weight.

i tried to think.

if josh wasn't at the park, where would he be? i thought of the next best place, and soon found myself driving two and a half hours out of town to the spot that held a special place in my heart.

|-/

i saw a body sitting down by the waves, their head resting on their knees, their arms wrapped around themselves. i shut gina's car door quietly and walked towards the body, hopefully it was actually josh and not someone else.

"josh?" i asked.

"tyler?" his voice was cracked up. he had been crying.

"why did you leave the house?" i asked, sitting down next to him and putting my arm around him in a comforting way. i could feel the grains of sand sticking to my legs, and made a face.

"i...i don't think i could do this anymore." he said, hiding his face in his knees.

"what do you mean?" i asked, my heart beginning to beat in panic.

"this. every day me and you get teased for being together. they keep beating me up, and sending me mean things. i don't think..." he trailed off, looking at the sand.

"josh, what are you trying to say?" i asked, taking my arm from around his shoulders and nervously looking at him.

there were clear tears falling down his cheeks, dripping off of his chin into the sand. he was playing with the laces of his shoes, clutching them so tight that his hand was shaking. he was biting his lip, his eyes clenched shut as more tears fell from his cheek.

"maybe they would stop if..." he was having a hard time.

i said nothing, silently asking him to continue.

"maybe they would stop if we weren't together anymore."

i sat in silence, slowly processing what josh just said to me. he wants to break up with me because of some bullies. okay.

"you're not willing to fight for what you really want, huh?" i asked, looking into the sea. i wasn't sad, and i wasn't mad, just kind of disappointed. this couldn't be the end, i was planning on taking over the world with josh. i wouldn't let it be the end.

"i've been trying for the past month, it's really wearing me down. i really do love you, tyler-"

"i don't want to hear none of that shit!" i snapped at him, "if you really did love me, then you wouldn't be trying to break up with me! over bullies who won't even matter later?"

"maybe they would stop if we broke up!" he tried to argue, looking up at me as i stood up to leave.

"and maybe they won't, so we would just break up for nothing. i would lose the love of my life for nothing. that's how that would turn out. you're so fucking weak, josh. and to think i actually thought you would be able to stay strong. you need to learn to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are not throw away everything that's worth fighting for just because you want to...what? fit in with society?"

i don't know what i was thinking, but all i knew was that i was seeing red and i needed to go away quick. i was so fucking pissed, is he really going to trash everything now? over bullies?

"you know what, josh? fine, let's break up if that's what you really want."

"tyler, i-" he stood up, walking towards me.

"i can't believe you, josh!" i hit his chest with both of my fists. "after everything we've tried to stay strong for, you're going to give up now? our relationship started out with strength, and now you're just going to end it because life is hard now? i'll admit, getting bullied is taking a toll on me too, but the only reason i stay strong is because i knew i'd have you. i'd have you to make me laugh and feel better about everything, even if my world is going to shit. that's the only reason why! it's because of you!" i shouted, tears forming at the corners of my eyes.

does that mean josh didn't feel the same? that he felt like he was alone in this? what was i doing for him?

nothing, i suppose.

i turned towards gina's car, my anger quickly dissipating into sadness when i realized that i had just lost josh. the rumors got too hard for him, i guess, and he didn't want me to be there with him anymore. which was fine.

i'm lying, it was so very far from fine.

i wouldn't let him see it, though. i got into gina's car, clutching the steering wheel as i left josh at the beach. maybe i shouldn't have said some of the things i told him, because i knew he was hurting. getting bullied hurts, i know.

i felt the guilt start to spread in my chest, burning my bones and spreading fire up my throat. i'd be lying if i said i didn't want josh here with me, driving back to his house so we could watch a movie or something. it's been only three minutes and i miss josh.

i miss him a lot.

i was stopped at a red light, turning on the windshield wipers when it started to rain slightly. i banged my head on the steering wheel, wincing because of the pain.

and it wasn't because of my head.

what the fuck, josh. why couldn't you hold on for a little longer? how did you just let me go like that? how did i just let josh go like that?

i'm so stupid. i was stupid for yelling at josh, even when i knew damn well that he wasn't okay. he's always the one to make sure i was okay before he was, but i was stupid and didn't even give a second thought to how he was feeling.

i was a selfish idiot, mainly for being a jerk when it wasn't necessary. i tried to drive clearly, but my eyes kept getting blurry as they flooded with tears. i bit my lip to try to stop the faucet behind my eyes from leaking and running down my face, but it didn't work, and next thing i knew i was pulled over by the main road, crying my eyes out over josh fucking dun.

i checked the time on my phone, the sky pitch black except for the bright, creamy moon shining. i stared at my phone as it read 12:24am.

happy birthday to me.