Chapter 21 – Tell me how
There isn't much more I can say
For I don't understand the delay
You're asking for friendly advise
And remaining in permanent crisis
Affection is yours if you ask
But first you must take off your mask
Brooke's POV:
- Baby, what's wrong? – Lucas wipes my tears, but that doesn't keep more from coming, as I sob out of control.
- Sh… she's… she's sad, and she's alone, and there's nothing anyone can do about it – I manage to let out. That's when he looks from me to the TV and seems to get it.
- Brooke, it's Bridget Jones. You've seen this before, she'll be ok – the jerk has the nerve to laugh – There's a reason we got a comedy, you know? – he says as he holds the cover of the movie in front of me.
- You think this is funny? – when he keeps laughing, I realize that it actually is. God, I really must be going crazy. I don't remember Karen mentioning she's been this hormonal lately. Nop, must be just me. I look up and meet his eyes, staring lovingly at me as we snuggle together on the couch.
- Feeling better?
- Yeah – I sigh – I'm sorry I'm so crazy lately.
He just smiles and strokes my belly, feeling our daughter moving inside.
- Stop apologizing. I love all of you. Mood swings, craziness, all of it.
Nice. I roll my eyes, but rest my head on his shoulder.
- Good. Cause I love all of you, too.
We keep watching the movie and eating some popcorn. It just feels right, being in his arms, protected like that. At those times I'm not even scared of what's to come.
- Move here. Come live with me – he waits for those perfect moments to say those words, cause he knows I can barely say no when we're like that. I give him the same face I always do, apologizing for not being able to say yes – You should be here when she's born, Brooke.
- I know. But she won't be born for another three months, or… two and a half, whatever. Things will be better by then.
- I thought things were already better. That's what she's saying, isn't it?
- Yeah. And I'm not buying one single word of it.
- I don't want you to spend your whole pregnancy worrying like that.
- Me neither. But I don't really have a choice in this.
- I was thinking… last year, when she started taking care of things at Tric and got involved with…
- Yeah? – I don't even like to remember the time when she used drugs. What's with her, anyway? She changed so much in so little time. Sure, she's always been the dark and depressive one, but it only meant her CDs were a little weird and her clothes were a little too dark for my taste, never more than that.
- When those things were happening, I called Jake, remember? And after he came it was like she found her strength again. He helped her in a way none of us could.
- None of us was willing to, you mean – he tries to protest, but I go on – You know that, Lucas. We all had stuff in our minds, and didn't even take the time to check on her every once in a while. I was so distant from her I didn't even know she was doing drugs till Haley babbled it out to me. I don't want things to be this way again, I can't let it happen. Plus, things with Jake are just… complicated. We can't just call him and ask him to come.
- What do you mean… - before he finishes I look at him as if saying I can't exactly tell him any details – Fine. I just thought, and I still think, he could help.
- It's just more complicated this time. But it will get better, ok?
- How can you know? You said it yourself, she says she's ok, but it's pretty obvious she's not – after a brief pause, he adds – You want me to try and talk to her?
- You're great for trying to help, Lucas, but I guess I should be the one to do this.
He nods, and does his lovely eye squinting, holding me in his arms again and kissing my forehead, which always has a soothing effect on me. But I keep thinking. She's gonna call Jake when she's ready, right? There's no reason why she wouldn't. She just needed to figure things out, and now she just needs to get better. I still didn't ask her, directly, about anything, cause I'm afraid of the truth. Cause if she's really been cutting again, then I don't know what else to do to help. And sometimes I even feel guilty about being with Lucas, afraid that it's hurting her, and making her hurt herself, too. I don't think she's lying about being ok with me and Lucas. She's just lying about being ok.
We're halfway through the movie when Karen wakes up and goes get some water at the kitchen. She sits next to us.
- So… how's the movie?
- Well, Brooke seems to think it's a drama – Lucas gets a well deserved slap in the arm from me after that. Karen just laughs.
- What about my grandkid? She still awake?
- She was up until an hour ago, but I guess she didn't like the movie that much – I say it and, by reflex, take my hands to my stomach.
- You're lucky. Mine's a party animal! Hasn't stopped moving since we had dinner.
- I still can't believe you don't wanna know the sex, mom! – Lucas protests, followed by my vigorous nod.
- I did the same thing with you. What can I say? I like to be surprised – she starts to get up to go back to bed – I'll go back to sleep, if the party kid here lets me. You two enjoy your movie.
- Good night, mom.
- Oh! Karen! – I lift my hand up, getting her attention back – Speaking of party… we're having this birthday party for Peyton the day after tomorrow, and I was wondering if maybe you could make some of your most delicious food? – I say it all in one breath, a capacity that never ceases to amaze the two people next to me. After a few laughs, Karen assures me there's no problem and she'll do something tomorrow. When she leaves the room, I realize I'm pretty tired, too, and let out a yawn.
- I guess our little girl's not the only one who's ready to go to bed, huh? – Lucas says while stroking my hair.
When I nod in agreement, he carefully gets up and I immediately miss the warmth of his arms around me.
- You're staying here tonight, right? – he asks while taking the dvd out of the player and putting it on its case.
I was actually planning on going back home and confronting Peyton once and for all, but I'm too tired right now. And I don't think I'd be able to do much if things are really as bad as I think they are with her. But she can't start to get better if she keeps pretending everything's fine. And I don't want her to spend her birthday having to hide something like this.
We go to his room, I get near him and he holds me close, safe. He kisses my stomach.
- Good night, baby girl – he whispers, then kisses my lips, softly – You too, Cheery.
Him calling me that alone brings a smile to my face, and right before I close my eyes he brings me closer to him.
- Everything will be ok, Brooke. We'll make it be ok.
- Are you talking about Peyton?
- Yeah… that and everything else.
I may be crazy, but I can swear he's talking about the baby, and I feel more relaxed. Maybe I'm not the only one who's scared, who feels overwhelmed about all that. Maybe that's his way of telling me he feels the same, but reassuring me at the same time.
I wake up the next day already smelling Karen's lunch. Almost noon already. This pregnancy's making me already lazier then I already was. We eat and talk, my hormones are much more well behaved today, so I'm actually acting like a normal person for now.
- Karen, you want some help with the dishes?
- Don't worry about it. Don't you have to go shopping with the girls, anyway, for Peyton's party?
- Shit, I do! Completely forgot!
I see Karen's face. She doesn't like me to swear now that we have babies walking around inside us. In fact, she never likes it when we swear, but now she has a better reason for it.
- Sorry – I give her my sweetest smile, which seems to do the trick. Then I turn to Lucas – Will you be at the Rivercourt?
- Probably. You wanna come back here after shopping?
- I'd love to, but I have to go home first – I don't have to say much else. He knows what I'm talking about – And after that… we'll see – I wink and he comes closer, kissing me.
- I'm gonna miss you – he whispers, leaving short kisses all over my neck. I close my eyes and smile.
- I'll sure miss you, too, Broody – my hands go to his head, his hair as the kiss starts to turn into a make out session. That's when I realize Karen's around, and stop almost immediately. Lucas looks pretty uncomfortable, too, and his mom seems to have fun with it – Oh, well, time to go – I get my purse and go skipping out of the door.
I meet the girls at the mall not too long after. Peyton and Rachel are already there, waiting at the food court.
- Hey, bitch, I was starting to think you'd all came here and conveniently forgotten to invite me – Rachel oh so nicely greets me.
- Yeah, and right now I'm starting to wonder why I didn't do that – I joke and see her as she shoves her tongue at me. Then I turn to Peyton – Hey, almost birthday girl! – I hug her, and then ask quietly, so that Rachel doesn't hear – How's everything?
- Just fine. You?
- Great!
Doesn't take too long till Bevin joins us. Haley gets there an hour late. After some scolding from everyone and a very lame excuse, she promises to buy as all some ice cream later on so the matter is settled.
- How about this one? – Haley shows us a black dress with little white dots.
- Great! – I jump enthusiastically, and notice the other girls' looks on me. Then I grin before going on with it, turning quickly to Peyton – You didn't tell me we were gonna make it a 60's theme party – I ask, as seriously as I can, and the girls burst out laughing. Haley throws the dress at me and almost tells me to go Brooke myself.
Three hours and five stores later, we're all happily eating the ice cream Haley bought and going over the last details for the party next day.
- So, I told everyone it starts at 10. So, obviously, they should be start getting there around 9 – I shrug.
- Good, so we'll get there a couple of hours earlier, move some stuff around, try to keep them from destroying the house – Rachel adds.
- What? – Peyton suddenly seems to take notice of what's going on when the words "destroying the house" come up.
- Oh, come on, honey, that house has survived more parties than I have. It'll be fine – I say, shrugging it off.
- Yeah, what the hell, you're probably right – yup, to my surprise, she just agrees and keeps eating her ice cream – Haley, this thing's delicious, I love you for getting here late – she talks with her mouth full and we all laugh.
Rachel and Bevin then go looking for decorations; Peyton, Haley and I go back to the house and try to organize some more stuff, but a couple of hours later we realize the only thing we did was trying out the new clothes and gossiping. So we decide to leave the hard work for the boys to do the next day.
- So, I guess I'd better be going – Haley yawns, even though it's like 10pm. She gets up and hugs me and Peyton – I'll see you two tomorrow.
Peyton gets up and takes her to the door, I stay on the couch, trying to think of what I'm gonna say. I hear the two of them laughing before the door closes and Peyton passes by, barely even looking at me.
- I'll go to bed, ok? Pretty tired.
- Peyton… - I call her quietly, right when she's about to close the bedroom door.
She stops and looks down, her back turned to me, not even moving for a long time. But I can see her closing her eyes and taking a deep breath before finally facing me. When I look into her eyes, it's like I don't even have to ask anything else. It's pretty obvious.
- What? – she asks, simply, still not moving.
- I wanna know the truth. I'm not gonna spy on you, I'm not gonna check your wrists, I'll just ask, and I'll believe whatever you say – I say it slowly, and walk closer to her. That's when I see her eyes are starting to tear up – If you say you're ok, I'll believe you, and I'll stop bringing it up – I stop and, when I get no answer, I ask the simple question – Peyton, are you ok?
She doesn't reply, doesn't say anything. She simply closes her eyes shut, crying, and shakes her head slowly, biting her bottom lip as a few tears fall. I reach my arms to hug her, but she turns around quickly to leave. I grab her arm, making her turn back.
- Let me help. Please – I plead, taking her hands in mine – Look, we've known each other for like 10 years now. You're like my sister, the only real family I ever had. Till Lucas came along – I stop and look at her carefully, she just nods.
We both sit in bed, legs crossed, she lowers her head, but slowly looks back at me, letting the tears come freely now.
- I don't wanna keep falling. I'm so tired of this whole thing. I need you help – she says those last words as if it's the most difficult thing. To ask for help. She's broken. I move to her side and hug her, stroking her hair – Please, help me.
- Just tell me how, friend. I'll do anything – I keep holding her trying to get her crying to subside, then close my eyes, too, repeating, and meaning the word – Anything.
Are you alive
Is there a young woman hiding inside
Does she know that we're trying to help her
Is she totally frozen with fear
If you let her come out for a day
She might even like it and stay
But it's gonna take you to invite her
Cause you seem so determined to spite her
Song: Another Place to Fall, by KT Tunstall.