Twenty-One: We

Daryl refolded the letter. His watch would soon be over and he'd read it then. He slid the piece of soft paper between his fingers as he looked around the moon-lit dirt road. Then, deciding he couldn't wait, he found himself unfolding the letter again. The girl's neat handwriting filled the page. He was forced to read slowly in the dim light of the night.

Daryl,

I'm sorry for a lot but I'm not sorry for putting my life on the line for Beth. We all do that shit for each other every day. So I'm not going to let you make me feel bad for it anymore. It's what we do. Maybe it was stupid and the wrong way to go about it but it turned out OK and I wish you would let it go now. That man deserved what happened to him. I know you know that. You are not a bad man.

I've been going over the past few months trying to figure us out. I've been trying to figure out what I would change if I could have seen this coming. It's clear to me now that we made a huge mistake that night at the house. All the alcohol we drank blurred the lines. Maybe I am just a kid like you said back at the Ark because I foolishly thought it should be clear and easy. I thought we were good together. I thought we found it. I was silly to think this was supposed to be some kind of perfect. I wish I could say this was unexpected. I mean we can't even talk to each other. We're two very messed up people. I wish I could change it and make it all better.

I pushed you too hard. We've had to let go of so much. I wanted to hold on to you too tightly. I'm sorry that I tried to keep you when you're clearly already gone. I'm sorry to lose you but I shouldn't be trying to tie you to me when it's clear you no longer want this. I just wanted you so bad. More than anyone I've ever wanted before. I thought we were in all the way.

You're free of me now though. I will talk to Rick and ask him to stop pairing us up so much. I'll tell him it's me and not you. I can't hold on to us anymore. You owe me nothing. I owe you nothing. Let's just consider the slate wiped clean. We still have to live together and be civil. Can we do that? Can we please just start over?

Love always,

Maureen

Maureen pulled her blanket around her tighter. She was hoping he would come back. She was hoping that he would tap lightly on the window and tell her he was sorry too and that it was all a misunderstanding. Communication issues like always. As the minutes passed it was looking more and more like he really had been looking for a way out and she'd just given it to him. He was taking it. She felt guilty for being disappointed in him for taking the out.

Then anger set it. When she said he owed her nothing, she didn't mean it entirely. He at least owed her a straight answer. Frustrated tears rolled down her cheeks. She tried to be as quiet as possible. Maybe he'd talk to her in the morning and tell her what she wanted to hear. She took comfort in this and told herself that maybe she still needed to give him time. He couldn't just treat this like it was something small and insignificant.

Daryl paced in circles and he threw the letter to the ground, kicking at it. He snorted at the letter and shook his head as if he were shaking it at Maureen. Then, he picked the letter up, smoothing the paper gently as if it were an extension of the girl herself and had feelings of it's own. He caught a whiff of her graphite pencils on the page. He rubbed his face. He was getting tired. He quickly turned at the sound of quiet footsteps behind him. "Mm-," he began to say her name, thinking she'd come to talk, but it was just Rick.

"Couldn't sleep so I figured I'd just come out early," the man rubbed his beard. Daryl quickly slipped the letter into his vest. "You and Maureen getting along as poorly as me an' Lori?"

Daryl was silent, thrown off by Rick's abrupt inquiry. The two had grown close, but he didn't think they were that close. And he wasn't in the habit of sharing his girl troubles with another man.

"Look, maybe you should go talk to her. I didn't want to get involved, but she's been in the back of the Chevy every night this week all stuffed up from cryin'. Frankly it's keepin' me up and," he paused waiting for some indication whether he should stop or keep going. "we can't have issues like this within the group. You two started something and that's not wrong, but now it's getting in the way of things. You gotta make nice before it really gets in the way and someone gets hurt. Before we have more than just a crying girl to deal with."

"Won't be an issue here on out. We ain't nothin' anymore."

Rick swung his head toward the other man. "Really?" Rick was genuinely surprised. He assumed things would blow over between the two soon enough. "You still have to make up somehow. The two of you will never be just nothing."

"Like I said, won't be an issue. Worst comes to worst I'll leave." He wasn't about to be the source of problems within the group.

"No. Don't be crazy. We're a unit. We let her in, she's one of us now. As much as you are and losing either of you would be a huge loss. You especially. I need you here, Daryl." Rick was firm. "Don't get any ideas and wander off."

"Yeah," Daryl replied. "Got it."

"Might as well call it a night," Rick nodded a dismissal. He watched his right-hand man turn to leave. "For what it's worth," he began and waited for Daryl to turn back about, "I think you two are making a big mistake."

Rick realized this wasn't the same as he and Shane having a pre-apocalypse heart to heart , but he said how he felt anyway. Whether or not it had an impact, at least he'd spoken some sort of truth. Without word, Daryl turned and left. He wasn't going to discuss his love life with Rick no matter how much they respected each other. Could he even call what he had a love life? It seemed like a silly thing to call it. He was no perfectly groomed metrosexual, wine tasting, cheese pairing prick that shuttled women around to and from restaurants to impress them. He was a man. A real man with real problems. Most of all, he didn't talk feelings and shit with other men.

He slipped into the back seat of the Ram and laid down, feeling through his vest for the letter. T-Dog was quietly snoring in the front seat. Slowly, he pulled the letter from his vest and produced a small flashlight from under the seat, shielding the light so he didn't attract any attention. He read the letter a second time, then a third, and a fourth, picking every word apart. She made some good points, a moderate amount of sense, but he called bullshit on her saying they were a mistake. She was just as conflicted as he was. Hell, she'd even signed it 'love always'.

The next morning Maureen woke with swollen, tired eyes. Another restless night. It wasn't a happy time. She wasn't happy. The one thing she found some semblance of comfort and happiness in was slipping away from her. The worst part was it was no surprise to her. Things end, they go away, you know that; she told herself as she made her way to the head of the caravan to get whatever was for breakfast this morning.

However, she was stopped by Daryl who held half a packet of shredded wheat out to her. "Need to have a talk." He wished they could go somewhere more private, but there wasn't time for that. The group would be headed out once everyone finished eating. "A serious talk."

Maureen was taken aback at his serious, steady tone. He was calm and steady for the first time in a long time. "Yeah, sure," she said.

He led her around the back of the Ram, out of earshot of anyone else. "Do you want to end this?" He watched the girl's mouth open, then close, then open again.

Maureen though for a moment. Was this a trick question? Was there supposed to be a right answer or did he actually want her honest answer? She swallowed, "No."

"Thought so." He tried not to sound smug, but it wasn't working. He was just glad that he was right and they wanted the same thing.

"I just don't see the sense in drawing this out if it's over," she added.

"Oh, come on."

"What?"

"Just be straight with me. No more of this back and forth. I'm tired of 'at shit. We don't need it." He softened and added, "And I don't want to end this either. You're mine and I want you."

"You do?" She brushed her hand over her hair which was tangled from days of not brushing it. "You do. I am," she said softly, letting herself realize it.

"We're two very messed up people, right? Ain't that what you called us? But we're two very messed up people who need each other, so guess I'm stuck with you. Let's just put this behind us." He was a man, he told himself. He didn't quit. He leaned in and brushed his rough hand across her soft cheek. "Now finish yer breakfast before we get goin'. You know if you get crumbs in the Chevy, Lori'll never let ya hear the end of it. Might have guts on the carpets, but crumbs on the seats- heaven forbid," He mumbled and heard his girl scoff as he left to check in with Rick. His girl. She was his.