Title: Soviet Asgard

Words: 867

Main Character(s): Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Thor Odinsson, Loki Odinsson

Notes: Based off of headcanon #747 from TheAvengersHeadcanons: Natasha knows every Soviet Russia joke. She makes her teammates howl with laughter when she says "horse ride you" or "food cook you" in a genuine Russian accent and a straight face. (Submitted by gabumon-noodles)

"I don't get what that has to do with Soviet Russia," Steve is saying when Natasha walks into Tony's living room. Bruce, Tony and Steve are all sitting around the same computer screen, with Tony clearly in the process of explaining something.

"Well, the thing about Soviet Russia was that people were watched, all the time," Tony explains. "'Least, that was the story. You were being watched all the time, whatever you did. So instead of you watching television…"

"In Soviet Russia, television watches you?" Natasha says, half for the chance to revert to her "normal" accent (part of her wants to keep thinking of it as her real accent, even though she speaks in it so rarely) and half for the shocked expression on Tony's face. "Yes, Stark, I have been on the internet."

"So the joke grew that things went backwards in Soviet Russia," Bruce explains calmly, slightly imitating Natasha's accent when he says "Soviet Russia". It's always hard to tell when he's taking the piss or not. "Television watches you. Dinner eats you. Car drives you. So on and so forth."

"This internet of yours is a strange thing," Thor says. He's apparently taking part in the internet lesson as well, since he's on another screen staring down Non-Stop Nyancat. "What is this strange creature grown from a pop-tart, and why does it appear to be excreting rainbows? I have never seen such a strange thing upon the Bifrost."

"It's what happens to pop-tarts when they get to a thousand years old," Tony says, rolling his chair along to Thor's screen. "The Soviet Russia joke would be that in Soviet Russia, pop-tarts eat you!"

"That does not sound funny at all," Thor says with a frown. "It sounds quite disastrous."

"It's funny because it's absurd," Bruce explains gently. "Some things are funny because they're impossible."

Thor nods, though he doesn't seem to entirely understand. Natasha suspects that the Asgardian definition of "absurd" is rather different from the innocent Earth definition.

"So, for example… in Soviet Russia, picture draws you?" Steve says. Tony high-fives him.

"Exactly!" he says, clapping his hands together. "They grow up so fast…"

"There are thousands of them," Natasha says, rolling her eyes and slipping back into her accent again. "Umbrella opens you, car drives you, horse rides you…"

Thor suddenly bursts out into riotous laughter. "In Asgard too!" he chokes out, doubling up laughing. Everyone stares at him.

"I guess he just got it?" Tony says, a little nonplussed by Thor's hilarity. Thor suddenly gets up and leaves the room, still laughing.

"I think it was the horse one," Steve says. "Well, I don't know if they have cars or televisions in Asgard…"

"Or umbrellas," Bruce adds. "Anyway, I've found this site in particular to be really useful for catching up on the internet…"

After a few minutes, they're distracted from Knowyourmeme when Thor comes back, dragging a disgruntled Loki by the arm. The Trickster is holding a book in one hand with his thumb marking a place, evidently not appreciating having his quiet time interrupted. He hasn't tried to kill any of them in a long while, but drawing his ire is still not a popular pastime, since his sense of humour is even more inappropriate than Tony's and he has magical powers to back it up.

"…so things are reversed," Thor explains. "Lady Natasha, you must repeat the last one that you told me!"

Loki jerks his arm out of his brother's grasp and rolls his eyes, silently consenting to wait patiently for Natasha to lay some pitiful mortal "wit" on him.

Natasha glances at the others. Steve shrugs. "Do it for science!" Tony says. Bruce facepalms, then peers out at Loki to see what his reaction will be.

"In Soviet Russia, horse ride you?" Natasha says, looking quizzically at the Asgardians. Loki's eyebrows shoot up.

"Ideal place for you, brother!" Thor hoots, slapping Loki on the back and bursting out laughing again. Loki's expression darkens suddenly and he literally throws the book at his brother. By the time it reaches Thor, though, it is not a book but a giant tarantula that immediately latches onto Thor's face. By the time Thor has wrenched off the huge arachnid and smashed it under Mjolnir, Loki has stormed off.

"Ah," Thor gasps, looking a little shellshocked as he picks spider legs out of his hair. "Still somewhat sensitive about that affair, I see."

"Are you going to explain that to us now?" Steve asks. Thor shakes his head.

"Better not to," he says, staring sorrowfully on the smashed gunk stuck on Mjolnir and walking off to clean it. Natasha wrinkles her nose at the disgusting mush left on the carpet.

"He's gonna have to explain that one," Tony says, "Because I'm coming up with some pretty twisted mental images here."

"They're from Asgard, anything could have happened," Bruce says, turning back to Steve's computer screen. "Now, that other picture you asked about, the dog with the rainbow background…"

Natasha leaves again, deciding to hole up in her flat and catch up on her television until Clint gets back from his latest assignment so she has someone sane to talk to.

In other news, all future Vale chapters are being posted in the separate story posting. The first chapter was supposed to just be a longshot, but it's grown into quite a long thing in my brain :P