Reality

Chapter 21: Friends and Sleepover

I feel better after the talk with Tobias yesterday. But I'm still a bit insecure. I think I always will be. I feel bad for what I've put everyone through this past month. I've ignored everyone. Tobias is the person I spoke to the most but even that wasn't much.

So I decide to go to the cafeteria for breakfast, with Tobias, and I'm going to apologise. I need to apologise. We are walking hand in hand, and I guess he can sense how nervous I am because he squeezes my hand lightly and tells me it's going to be okay.

We enter the room and our friends look up, looking excited when they see me. Christina squeals and runs over, wrapping me in her arms.

"You're back. I thought you were dying or something. Don't do that again."

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

We go back to the table and we sit in what used to be our usual seats. In the corner of my eyes I notice how much Myra's stomach has grown in the past few weeks. She's now fifteen weeks pregnant.

"Where have you been Tris?" Uriah asks me.

"Yeah, we were all so worried about you." Will replies.

"I'm sorry. I've just had a rough time recently and have had to think things through. Plus, my leg has been sore still so I've been resting it as much as I can." It's not a complete lie. My leg is still sore, and I have had a rough time. But I'm not telling the complete truth. "How's the baby?" I ask Myra, trying to draw the attention off me.

"The baby is fine. Healthy." I nod.

"Tris, the girls and I are having a sleepover at my place. Do you want to come?" Christina says.

I look at Tobias and he nods at me, signalling that I can go. I should go.

"Okay. Sure. Sounds like fun."

"Great…" Then she delves into a conversation about how much fun we're going to have and what we're going to do, but I don't pay full attention.

…

I'm outside of Christina's apartment, duffle bag in my hand, waiting. I don't know what I'm waiting for exactly. I haven't spoken properly to them in a month, they're probably going to ask questions. I can't answer those questions because they don't know that Evelyn is really alive, and they don't know that I'm a little bit jealous of Myra. I can't tell them either of those things.

Hesitantly, I knock on the door, hoping I made the right choice to come here tonight. Christina answers after a few seconds with a smile on her face and she lets me in. I set my duffle with the others, all of the girls are already here.

When I say all of the girls I mean Christina (obviously), Myra, Marlene, Lynn and Shauna. And me.

We eat pizza and watch movies. We talk and laugh. Well, they talk and laugh, I just smile from time to time.

"Tris, what's wrong? Why have you been ignoring us all month? And why are you so quiet?" Damn Christina and her Candor past.

"It's nothing. It doesn't matter anymore. I'm fine. And I'm sorry for the last month."

"Is it Tobias? Did he do something to you? If he did, I swear…"

"No Lynn, he didn't do anything, I promise. I'm just having a hard time, that's all. I'm fine now, though, okay?"

They nod.

We watch a few more movies before all falling asleep. Myra takes the large sofa, I take the smaller one, and everyone else takes the floor. But I don't go to sleep. I can't sleep.

I just lay there. Looking at the ceiling in the dark, my hands resting on my stomach. Thinking. It seems like one of the only things I do these days. Think. Think about life, the past and what might come (or what I want to come) in the future. Think about my friends who are more like my family. Think about my parents. Think about Tobias.

Tobias and I have finally decided on a date for the wedding. We haven't told anyone yet, though. We want it exactly a year after he proposed. Which will be in thirty seven weeks from now. I'm excited. I'm happy. I will be seventeen then.

But I don't just want a wedding. I want a baby. Our baby. I want the one we lost back but that isn't going to happen. I'm not even ready for a baby yet but I want one. I want to be pregnant still, I want to be pregnant again. I want to feel everything because before I felt nothing. Though, I know neither Tobias nor I am ready for that yet. We're not ready for children. So we're going to wait. We talked about this last night. I told him I wanted a baby, I wanted our baby back. He wants it too but we're not ready.

We talked about many things last night. The wedding. The future. The family we want. We decided to start trying for a baby when I become nineteen or twenty, depending on how I feel then. That way we're more grown up, and we've had time to prepare and sort out our hectic life. And I guess it also gives us time to heal from the past, from the loss of our first child and everything that has happened. Though I don't think we'll ever completely forget the first child I was pregnant with, we will always mourn them. We will always love that baby we lost.

Of course, if I get pregnant before we decide to try for a baby we won't get rid of him or her. For starters, we're both against abortion, especially after what happened in Erudite. Also, we couldn't just kill one of our children because we weren't ready for one. We would take responsibility and care for, and love, him or her until the day we die.

…

We make pancakes and watch films until about one. Then we say goodbye and go home.

I'm just glad that I have my friends back.

Hey Ravens, sorry for the wait, I've been so busy lately. Also I have to go back to college on Monday so I'll be even busier and updates will be slow-ish. Sorry.

I will update again when I can.

Please review!