Disclaimer: Don't own'em
A/N: Sorry for the lapse in posts! I won't bore you with the why. Here's the next part.
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Insights – 21/22
Mac's Apartment
Thursday
0546 Local
Harm woke first. It was a surprise, knowing how she had trouble sleeping. He must've really tired her out. His grin could not be tamed.
He glanced down at her, admiring how she glowed in the quiet morning light. He gently touched his fingers to a lock of her hair.
She was sleeping next to him, sharing her bed with him, curled on her side, her head on his pillow. He was so indescribably happy at this moment he thought he might burst. He turned on his side and settled in to simply watch her.
He decided he must've done something right at some point in his life, that fate deemed him worthy of another chance with her. He could not help himself; he gathered her in his arms and gave her a massive bear hug, squeezing with all the strength of his joy.
The act woke her up, and she was understandably disoriented.
"What the … Harm!" She put her hands on his shoulders, her eyes still heavy with sleep, and pushed to try and loosen his grip. "What are you doing!"
"Good morning, French fry." He said into her hair, tightening his hold before letting her go.
She looked at him, bewildered and sleepy-eyed, though he could see the usual spark that surfaced whenever he called her that.
"You need to work on the wake up technique. Maybe try for some gentleness," She rubbed away the remnants of sleep with the heel of her hand, and brushed her hair away from her face.
He thought she looked good enough to eat, all sleepy and dishevelled and grouchy. He wrapped her in another massive hug and rolled onto his back, taking her with him.
"Harm!" She protested half-heartedly, still not fully awake. "Let go -- I'm not some rag doll, you big oaf."
"You are an ogre in the mornings, Marine." He grinned. "Let's get you some coffee." He placed a noisy kiss on her nose.
She wrinkled her nose in response and tried to swat him away. "What's the matter with you?" She mumbled drowsily, punctuating her sentence with a yawn.
"Nothing." He grinned, and raised an eyebrow. "I'm happy."
"Maybe try and channel that happiness in some way that doesn't involve squeezing the life right out of me." She grumbled, and shifted in his embrace trying to get comfortable so that she could no doubt go back to sleep.
He laughed. He reached up and captured her lips in a deep kiss, teasing her awake in more ways than one.
"Like that?" He pulled back, grinning broadly.
"Mmm." She favoured him with a languid smile. "Much better."
He watched raptly as she slowly licked her lips in lazy satisfaction, her eyes still closed, although with no intention of seeking sleep this time.
"Come with me to La Jolla?" He blurted out, and then tried to tame his enthusiasm by adding in a more steady tone, "Visit my mom?"
That seemed to wake her up. Her eyes popped open in shock, and then flitted from him to the bedside table to the headboard, confused and slightly uncomfortable, "Um, what?"
He raised an expectant eyebrow as he watched a range of worrying emotions dart across her face. He worried his lip in an uncharacteristic gesture of nervousness.
To his dismay, she rolled off him and sat at the edge of the bed, her hand roaming the floor in search of some clothing.
"Mac." He sat up, and placed a hand on her back. She squirmed away, slipped on her pyjama top and buttoned it before searching the floor for the rest of her clothes.
He scooted up to sit beside her, and caught a glimpse of her face before she turned her head away. He was caught off guard by the expression on her face; he'd never seen her look so uncomfortable.
"Mac," He tried again, resting a hand lightly on her back. "Hey, tell me what you're feeling."
She turned to look at him, studying him intently.
"You're serious?" Her tone was disbelieving, distrustful, and he thought she might just try to dissuade him if he didn't cut in.
"Yes. She'd love to finally meet you. She asked me to bring you for a visit." He wondered what she would say if he mentioned that his mother had extended this invitation before, way back when he'd taken her to Gram's in fact.
"You … this would be a big step, Harm."
"I know."
She kept staring at him.
"You've already met my grandmother." He offered, wondering why this was freaking her out.
"That was different."
"How?"
"You said she wasn't feeling well..." She trailed off, both of them knowing that wasn't the real reason.
"You didn't seem sure then." She said instead, not answering his question. Or maybe she was answering his question.
"I am now."
"I don't know if I can … This is so soon after..." She trailed off, still studying his face, frowning, her eyes filled with doubt.
He closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He could kick himself for his freak-out session after Jordan's death, for the words he'd carelessly flung at her. And here was her instinctive self-preservation kicking in again; he should've waited, maybe until she was more comfortable, until he'd...
"Okay." She whispered.
He was deep enough in self-reproof to have almost missed her answer.
His eyes shot open at her quiet response. She sounded unsure, but he would take what he could get.
He couldn't help his grin. "Okay?"
She shrugged, and his grin faded.
"What is it?" He asked, concerned.
"Well, I um, I don't know. No one's taken me home to meet their parents before."
His jaw dropped. "What?"
She looked away, embarrassed. "Never met Dalton's family. Beyond that…" she trailed off before bringing her unsure gaze back to his stupefied one. "Beyond that, I was never in the kind of relationship where I'd meet the guy's parents."
He kept gaping at her, trying to process this.
She huffed impatiently. "Come on, Harm. You'll get lockjaw. I've only been in one serious relationship – and Chris doesn't count."
He did a mental inventory. "Dalton?"
She nodded.
"But … I don't understand."
She pushed herself back on the bed and leaned against the headboard. "What's not to understand." She began, impatient and self-deprecating. "First I was drunk, then I was in boot camp, then I was trying to be a Marine, then I was in law school, then I was trying to be a Marine and a lawyer. Didn't leave much time for serious relationships. Not to mention that I was legally married through all that and carried enough baggage to sink a tanker. You said it yourself."
He watched her for a moment before forcing his jaw shut. He ignored her last sentence, distracted by a thought her words sparked. He slid up the bed to sit next to her. "But wanting kids and a family and … I thought, I mean…"
She shrugged. "Well, I didn't really want that stuff until …"
"Until?"
She sighed, her eyes were on the far wall, but her gaze turned distant.
"Can I tell you something?" Her tone was muted.
"Anything." He answered quickly, clipping the heels of her question.
"I don't..." She cleared her throat. "I, uh," She hesitated, looked nervous.
It hit him that she was trying to live up to her promise. He wanted to take her hand in his, but she'd already crossed her arms. She wanted distance for this confession, too.
"I never really believed in the whole marriage and family thing, you know? I mean, based on what I saw growing up, I didn't trust that it could really be good. And I definitely didn't want a part in trying to create that kind of an illusion." She paused, took a breath. "Until I saw Bud and Harriet's relationship develop. I mean, that's the kind of love and devotion I didn't think even existed in real life. And before I met Chloe, and held AJ as his godmother … before that, I didn't believe in that kind of love either. Then I thought maybe it could be real, and maybe I could be a part of it, too..." She trailed off.
He'd never really thought of it, but given her childhood it was hardly all that surprising. He took yet another moment to marvel at his grandmother's wisdom.
"I guess I'm just a bit overwhelmed." She concluded abruptly, shaking herself out of her thoughts. "You caught me off guard." She looked at him, both direct and apologetic in a way he'd only ever thought her capable of. "I didn't mean to ... freak out."
He smiled at her quick about turn, and figured he might as well follow her lead. He tried not to get distracted by how damn good it felt to have her talk so openly to him.
"That's normal." He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and tucked her into his side.
She turned to face him, eyebrow raised. He took advantage of the situation and pulled her hand onto his lap, fingers entwined.
"Every woman I've ever been with for more than a month has wanted to drag me to meet her parents. I freaked out every time." He tried his best to look serious.
She grinned in response, and nudged him playfully. "You? Freak out over meeting a girlfriend's parents? How surprising."
He laughed, relieved that she could joke about it given what had happened between them. The reminder of his previous behaviour, though, sobered him.
"And now?" He toyed with the ends of her hair out of nervousness.
"What do you mean?"
"You said you didn't want the whole marriage and kids thing, but only until recently. So now..." He trailed off, waiting for her to pick up the question.
"Now?" She repeated, and then gave a nervous laugh. "To be honest, now I'm just plain terrified. What if I'm wrong? I don't know if I can do it."
It hurt him to hear her say that, even if he could understand. But he thought she'd see it differently with him.
He remembered his mother's words: bravest, most terrifying thing...
He studied their intertwined fingers, and tried to quell the melancholic ache in his chest. Mac had the terrifying part down pat, he wondered about the bravery bit ... but she had been brave, hadn't she?
It was an epiphany.
"But you were hinting at it, weren't you?"
"What?" She was startled.
"Wanting to be a part of that kind of love. You'd been hinting at it before I left ... Wanting the kind of happiness Bud and Harriet have ... and I even made a deal to go halves on a kid with you. And then I changed designators and left, and you..." Oh, god. He had no idea he'd hurt her so much then.
"Harm—"
He dropped his head. That's why she didn't keep in touch with him. How could he have been so blind? No, he knew the answer to that. He was so caught up in not having that kind of relationship with her, he hadn't considered her point of view.
"Mac ... I ..." He didn't know how to put it into words. "All that time, you..."
"Harm. Stop." She ran his fingers through the his hair in a soothing caress. She sounded just slightly self-conscious. "You were in a different place. And I don't even know if I was ready to handle all I was feeling."
He shook his head. She was making excuses for him. And he was pretty convinced she still wasn't sure if she was ready for all that she was feeling.
"Harm. You've always been a great friend." Her tone grew hushed, quiet. The sudden change made him look at her fully.
"And I don't think that I'll ever be able to think of love without thinking of you."
To say he was startled would be an understatement. "It's not like you to say things like that."
She shrugged, a little uncomfortable. "I'm trying to reciprocate."
He frowned in confusion.
"You asked me to meet your mom." She pointed out. "And last night..."
He looked at her intently, trying to convey how serious he was. "I love you. With everything that I am, you won't doubt that you are a part of that kind of love. And I'm the other part."
Her large brown eyes were solemn as she absorbed his declaration. She kissed him then, her touch holding a tenderness that rushed thick and swift in his chest.
He kissed her back with an equal tenderness, his hand cupping her jaw. He would do his best, he vowed, he would not give her reason to think otherwise, not to doubt.
--
JAG HQ
Thursday
1030 Local
Harm rapped on Mac's doorframe, and entered her office. She held up a finger, silently asking him to wait as she finished jotting down some notes. Once done, she gave him that smile he always admired.
"Hey." She greeted.
He forgot what he'd come in here for, and simply stood in front of her desk, smiling back at her. "Hey."
"What's up?"
"Oh," He shook himself out of a very pleasant moment. "I did some recon. Admiral's in a great mood. I bet you lunch he gives us an entire week's leave to visit Mom."
"You're on. I say Thursday through Monday, and I expect some dessert."
He gave her his most rakish grin. "Now, Mac, we don't have time for that over lunch. You'll get your dessert when we go home tonight."
"You're no fun," She teased, laughing.
He was about to respond with a reminder of how much fun he could be, when he spotted a file sitting askew on her desk, in the same place it had been since last week. He eyed it, before raising his eyebrows to look at her.
Her eyes were fixed on the folder; she'd also just noticed it. Her contrition evident in the way she was biting her lip.
He leaned forward and picked up the folder, revealing an untouched Snicker's bar.
"Harm, I..." She started, but trailed off as he picked up the candy bar and offered it to her. A warmth lit her eyes at the gesture.
She took the bar from his hand. "My favourite."
"I know." He was hit with a remarkable feeling as she smiled at him, as though the world was slowly unfurling itself, revealing long-hidden secrets, just waiting to be discovered.