Title: "I'll Be There" Chapter Twenty-One
Author: Macattack102712, aka "Mac Mackenzie"
Publish Date: Original Publish date: August 2002, redone and completed 2017/2018/2019.
Pairing: Harm/Mac
Category: Romance/Angst
Summary: Mac gets devastating news regarding her beloved Uncle Matt. Her JAG family must come together to get her through the hardest trial of her life. In the process, she learns the tremendous gift and power that comes with letting love in.
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1500
Saturday Following Thanksgiving
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown, VA
After a filling lunch of homemade taco soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, the two set out to make quick work of the household chores, with Harm taking care of meal cleanup and Mac tending to the laundry. The stack of freshly laundered towels threatened to topple over as she tucked them on the shelf of the linen closet by the spare bathroom. The final load of laundry, thank goodness, was still tumbling in the dryer. It seemed the more she washed, the bigger the pile grew behind her. Using her hip, she nudged the linen closet door shut, then headed for the living room. As she passed the kitchen doorway, she paused, mesmerized by Harm's movements. With a towel thrown casually over his shoulder, he was busy loading the dishwasher, and his muscles moved fluidly with the efforts. It baffled her how he could make even the most mundane of work appear so attractive. Sexy.
As she watched him pour detergent into the dispenser, a strange sense of contentment settled over her.
He belonged there. In her apartment.
Was this what marriage felt like?
Marriage…
'Well, that's what you want, isn't it, Mackenzie?'
Of course.
It was the only thing she had ever really wanted out of life, aside from her career. What was it she had said women wanted to Harm all those years ago? A woman wanted three things in life: a good man, a good career, and shoes. Lots of comfortable shoes. A good career took some work to build, but it was within reach. The shoes were simple to procure, provided one could find the right shoe store. But finding the man? Not so easy.
With a sigh, an uncomfortable realization settled in her mind: she was growing entirely too reliant on Harm, becoming too accustomed to the routine they'd developed over the course of the past few weeks. For someone who prided herself on being independent and smart in most areas of her life, she was concerned she might have made a monumental mistake in agreeing to Harm moving in for the sake of Matthew's care. It was one thing to allow the man to help her in that regard. It was quite another to let him sneak into her heart while she wasn't paying attention.
And….he'd done exactly that; so effortlessly, without word or warning. He was a most selfless man, and she knew he would do whatever he could to ensure Matthew's needs were met.
Her cheeks warmed at the comment he'd made about little AJ. Harriet and Bud, she felt, were the epitome of what she wanted most in life: A home bursting at the seams with love, loyalty, and devotion. Two people who loved each other, who'd lived any parent's worst fear. And whereas most marriages fall apart after the loss of a child, the Roberts' proved that they weren't just another statistic. If anything, the unexpected death of their daughter forged a stronger bond between the two, and their devotion to keeping their little family together only grew fiercer.
Mac shook her head to clear her thoughts and deposited the laundry basket at the end of the couch. "Uncle Matt, is there anything you need while I'm out? I'll be gone awhile".
Matthew set aside the magazine he'd been reading and looked over at his niece. It was time. "No, not that I can think of. But before you go….we need to talk". He nodded in Harm's direction, and Mac noted, with a stab of unpleasant apprehension, the hesitant way in which Harm eased himself into the chair beside her. He avoided her gaze, which only served to heighten her concern.
Harm handed him the leather portfolio containing his financial paperwork and living will.
"When you were born, I bought several savings bonds, and I opened up a savings account in which I put money in every year. It was my intention to give it to you for a down payment on a house, or your wedding, whichever happened to come first. I'm not sure if there is anything left. I don't even know if the bonds are worth anything at this point. The state of Kansas may have taken everything after my conviction. But all the information I have is here in this portfolio". He gestured towards the papers tucked neatly in the left pocket of the leather binder. "As far as my body is concerned, I want to donate myself to science, and then be cremated. Toss some of my ashes at Red Rock and use the rest to plant a tree. Don't shove me in the ground. I want to be of some good to this world".
Mac was quiet for a moment while she read over his will, the unpleasant reality of his impending death viciously wrapping itself around her heart. "Okay, Uncle Matt. If that's what you want, I'll make sure it happens".
He grasped her hand and squeezed it. "Good, that's settled, then".
'Now for the hard part….'
He glanced at Harm, who shifted uneasily in his chair. "Now that I have your word you will carry out my wishes, we need to discuss what I want done in the hours leading up to my death".
Dread lodged thick and heavy in the pit of her stomach, but she nodded at him to continue.
"As hospice explained, I will most likely lose consciousness as I transition into the active dying stage. When that occurs, I've instructed Harm to call AJ. AJ will come over to see to me, and the two of you," he gestured at them, "are to not return to the apartment until I have passed, and the mortuary has picked me up".
As if in slow motion, all the color drained from Mac's face. She pressed a hand to her chest as if she'd been sucker-punched.
"Y-you wa- you want me to do…..what?" She shook her head in disbelief. Surely….surely she'd heard…wrong?
"I do not want you here when I am actively dying," Matthew reiterated.
His words were a punch in the gut, and the icy fingers of comprehension grabbed on tightly and yanked her down. She sucked in a breath. "Uncle Matt….h-how could you even make a request like that!?"
"Because it's what I want, Sarah". Matthew replied matter-of-factly.
"No, Uncle Matt, I don't think so!"
"You promised, Sarah!" he firmly interjected, then immediately softened his tone. "You promised. You promised you would abide by my wishes. I've told you want I want. And I know you will be honorable and stand by your word".
Her mouth tightened and she swiped angrily at the tears coursing down her cheeks. How could he make such a request? How could her uncle, the one man she loved as much as Harm, send her away in a time he needed her most?
'Or is it you that needs him the most?'
She pushed away the obtrusive thought, as painfully accurate as it was, and clamored to her feet. She was furious! Furious with Matthew for making such a request. Furious with Harm for going behind her back. Furious with life for taking away the one person who'd wanted her and loved her when own her mother didn't.
"I appreciate you taking care of me these last few months, Sarah, but as far as I'm concerned, this is where your commitment ends.
Disbelief washed over her in torrent waves, and she visibly shook from the feelings. When she'd finally managed to find her voice again, it took everything in her to keep it steady. "So that's it, huh? Just like that? No consideration at all as to my thoughts or feelings." She turned to Harm, who shied beneath her unforgiving glare. "And you...you agreed to this?" she whispered in disbelief, "how…how could you?"
As much as it pained him to take a hard line against his niece, he knew it was the only way he could protect her heart. Matthew shook his head. "Don't be upset with Harm. He's only doing as I asked. He's taking care of me".
Anger began to rise above her hurt and grief. She took great pride in her ability to care for Matthew, to be strong for them both. Despite her father's name on her birth certificate, Mac considered herself an O'Hara, with all the honor and responsibility epitomized in her uncle's name. Her gaze shifted from Harm, then to Matthew. "I thought I had been doing that for the last few months. But apparently, I wasn't doing a g-good e-enough j-job". To her horror, her voice broke on the last words and once more she felt the tears pool in her field of vision. The events over the course of the past few weeks, plus the knowledge that her uncle did not want her there pressed in on her with crushing, unrelenting force.
"Sarah, that's not true, not even in the slightest. I don't want you to go thru the pain of seeing me die. You've been through more than your fair share of heart ache, don't you think?"
While he watched Mac and Matthew struggle to reach a point of mutual understanding, Harm felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. During his caretaker duties over the course of the past few weeks, he'd grown privy to Matthew's wishes and regrets. The elder Colonel was a man who's pride, and dignity, were highly valued. Harm felt it was his responsibility to preserve it, but at what cost? Losing Mac's respect was one thing, but her friendship, and the steps they'd taken towards a future together was the one thing he couldn't bear to give up. He only hoped that in time, she'd see it.
"Mac, please just listen to him. He only wants what he feels is best, and that's to keep your heart from going thru any more pain than it already has".
Her heart squeezed fiercely in her chest, as if to reinforce this fact. But there was no use in arguing. Matthew had made up his mind, and apparently, with Harm's blessing. "Well," Mac cleared her throat as she fought to maintain her composure, "seeing as how you two have discussed all of this without including me, I don't think you need me here anymore". She turned on her heel and marched towards the couch. She quickly snatched up her coat and scarf, eager to escape the suffocating atmosphere that had descended upon the apartment.
"Mac, wait, don't go." He reached out for her arm, afraid for her to leave distraught, especially given the sketchy road conditions due to the weather. The last thing he wanted was her driving upset and wind up in a car accident. He worried about her. He always did.
She stepped out of his reach, and the movement tore his heart. "Please, just don't," she warned, her voice wavering, "you've done enough". Her eyes filled with unshed tears. "It's certainly clear where you thought I mattered in all of this," she gestured towards her uncle, "which was nowhere at all". Her hands shook as she hurried to button her coat and wrap her scarf. "I need to get on the road to pick up my godson or else I'll be late".
She yanked open the door and walked out, pulling it shut behind her without another word or glance behind her.
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For a long awhile after Mac walked out, Harm stood at the kitchen counter, staring dully into the pasty concoction he'd mixed for the purpose of capturing Matthew's handprint. Harm felt like the world's biggest ass for discussing her uncle's plans without her knowledge, much less agreeing to them, but how could he protect her and respect Matthew's wishes at the same time? His chest felt achy and tight, as though he had just run a 5k with no warm-up. He knew his efforts were completely unnecessary as Mac did an excellent job of taking care of herself, but he found, buried underneath her fierce independence, an air of delicate vulnerability. She made him want to take care of her, to tuck her close and protect her from the hardships of life—an impulse he knew was completely ridiculous, not to mention borderline chauvinistic.
He was in an impossible situation, torn between his obligations to a man for whom he'd developed immense respect, and to the woman that had captured his heart so long ago. The realization had been approaching slowly for months, but with their date just a few weeks ago, it came raging in like the storm that pulled the city to a standstill earlier in the week. He loved her. He was in love with her. She was so many things to him: his partner, his best friend, his world, his….future.
At first, he hadn't recognized this soft, yet wild tenderness, the desire to be with her in every sense of the word. He found himself searching for ways to make her smile, to erase the trauma of her past, to chase away the demons he knew hunted her relentlessly in the night.
And there was the real conundrum. He had agreed to Matthew's requests because he felt it would protect Sarah's heart. But in true Rabb fashion, he'd managed to do everything but protect her.
Sighing heavily, he gave the pie tin on the counter a gentle shake to settle the mixture. His eyes were drawn to the box the plaster kit had come in. On the front, a newborn's handprint was advertised as a Christmas ornament, the tiny impression complimented by a pale pink ribbon. His heart flip-flopped at the memory of their conversation earlier that morning. For all the hours in his life, Harm knew he could never forget the expression on her face when he'd mentioned AJ's birthday; could never forget the way her eyes went all soft and warm. There wasn't a day that went by on the calendar that he didn't cross off; not a month that melted into another that he didn't count down. The thought of their promise was what kept him going thru the hardest of days and the darkest of nights.
Returning to the living room, he set the pie tin between Matthew's legs, helping him to seal his handprint whilst taking great care to stabilize his shaky hand.
He broke the heavy silence that had descended upon them. "She's angry with me, Matthew".
The elder Colonel was quiet for a moment while the mixture pooled between his spread fingers. It would take several minutes for the handprint to set, and he hoped it would turn out well for her sake. "No, she's not. She's angry at the situation, Harm"
"Is she?" Harm tossed out with disbelief, glancing at the front door. He half-expected Mac to walk back in to argue her case once more.
"Yes. When Sarah can't control a situation or an outcome, she channels her frustration into the incorrect assumptions of her abilities, or inabilities". He paused to rub his free hand over his forehead in frustration. "That bastard, Joe, really did a number on her. And Deanna did, too. Neither of them had any business being a parent, but here we are, and Sarah has paid dearly for her raising, or lack thereof. All those doubts and insecurities you see in her, you can thank Joe and Deanna for almost every single one of them".
Harm checked his watch: two more minutes and the impression would be set. For a moment, it was silent in the apartment as he contemplated what to say. "I feel like I've betrayed her, Matthew. I'm supposed to take care of her, not hurt her".
Matthew laid a gentle hand on his arm. "No, you haven't. If anything, you've freed her from the obligations of watching someone she loves dies. And that, is the greatest form of protection you could give anyone. She'll come around, Harm. Give her time". He sighed heavily. "Just give my girl time".
But time was the one thing they didn't have to give.
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1700
Oak Creek Park
Falls Church, VA
Traffic was busier than she expected as she turned the sportscar onto Riverbend Street, the long, winding path that ran the eastern perimeter of the river. On this, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, Georgetown was clogged with shoppers trying to get a head-start on their holiday shopping. A group of small townhouses sat on the opposite side of the narrow channel, their reflections wobbling in the undulating water. She loved that none of the houses were the same, each one constructed from stucco and stones pulled from the very river that pooled in front of them. Some of the older buildings remained to preserve the town's historic flavor, even as newer, more modern developments popped up around them. It was nice to see the town embrace both the old and the new, without sacrificing space or aesthetics to do so.
As they passed beneath a grove of overarching oak trees, her godson's mindless chattering picked up once more as his excitement reignited upon seeing the shoreline. She managed to snag a parking place close to a cluster of benches a few feet from the water's edge. Outside, songbirds flitted from the branches of one of the big oaks, their cheerful tweets and chirps mingling with the breeze rustling the leaves. Wearily, she closed her eyes and leaned her head against the side of the door, the late afternoon sun spilling into the car's interior thru the shaded window and sunroof. They had about an hour, maybe less, before the sun disappeared below the horizon, leaving the darkness to steal away the last vestiges of warmth. She had managed to keep herself going all these months. She bit back the tears. She could make it thru this, too.
Her uncle was dying.
She knew this, of course. Had known for months. Had thought she had come to terms with it. Had thought she had her emotions fully in control. But the conversation with Matthew had left her struggling to reel them in, and the realization was numbing. She felt as if she had been encased in the same layer of thick ice that trapped the outer edges of the pond. Her life had become something she never expected. As a little girl, she wanted four things: to have a successful career, to be a wife, a mother, to love and be loved, to want, and to be wanted.
She didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her mother. Deanna had simply vanished into the night of her fifteenth birthday, without so much as a kiss goodbye, a birthday card, or a forwarding address. It had been her choice, and Sarah had had no control over it. And while her mother (the latest she knew), was alive and well, her abandonment had felt like a death. The loss had been sudden, with no warning, no explanation. She was there one day; gone the next.
Then there was Eddy, whose death she would always blame herself for. She'd not been given the chance to say goodbye. After the 'JAWS OF LIFE' had extracted her from the pile of mangled steel, she'd been whisked away to the hospital. It was only days later, after her surgery for internal injuries that she was given the devastating news. Eddy, who seemed larger than life, whose infectious laugh and witty humor could lift even the downtrodden of spirits, was dead. Gone. A life cut short on the cusp of a beautiful beginning.
To make matters worse, his family's religious beliefs did not condone embalming, and so he was buried two days later. Following her release from the hospital, Matthew had taken her straight to the mountains of Arizona to dry out. It was months before she was able to visit his grave, to grieve, and to ask for forgiveness.
Her father's death, she supposed, could be grouped in there as well. She'd arrived at Hospice of the Sacred Heart to settle the rift between them and to say her goodbyes. But life delivered a cruel blow: Joe had succumbed to a coma just two hours prior. Surprisingly, her mother had been there, but took no part in burying the man with whom she'd loved enough at one point in her life to create a child. And just as she had done twelve years prior, Deanna stole away into the dark, leaving her daughter to clean up the mess of her departure once more.
Then there was Dalton. In the wake of the abrupt end to their relationship, she'd reluctantly agreed to meet him at McMurphy's so she could say her piece and wish him well. Once again, life delivered another cruel blow, with that ill-fated meeting resulting in his death at the hands of a carjacker. And as he lay in the drenched alley, gasping for his last moments with the living, she'd forced aside the hurt, the anger, and the resentment she felt towards him. Instead, she'd choked out a promise she knew was as fake and cheap as the box store Christmas tree in her living room…all to satisfy the dying man's pathetic attempt to secure her love into the beyond.
And now…Matthew. Cancer was taking him, but he was taking away her right to be there at the very end. To her, it was the utmost form of betrayal. She'd lost so many that she'd not been given the opportunity to end it on her terms. And she was tired of it. Tired of those she loved being taken from her without so much as a goodbye.
She knew, in the center of her heart, that she was being irrational. Unrealistic, really. And she also realized that Harm was in an uncomfortable situation, having to choose between her and Matthew. She knew he was trying to be as supportive and protective, as he always was when it came to her. She just, bless it, had a hard time seeing it. A twinge of guilt pinched at the corners of her heart. As much as she ached with pain for losing all those she loved, Mac knew it was foolhardy to try to control those situations that couldn't be controlled. It was like nailing jello to a tree.
"Are you otay, Aun Mac?"
AJ's little voice broke her from her thoughts. To her horror, she realized she'd been silently crying, the tears running down her cheeks unchecked. A flush of embarrassment crossed her face and she quickly swiped away the evidence. How could she have let her mind wander so much that he saw it? Guilt pinched at her again. She would have to do a better job of hiding her emotions.
"I'm okay, little man," she lied, willing her voice to sound steady and cheerful.
"Can we go now?".
His eagerness to get out of the car was apparent, and Mac took it as her que to exit the Corvette. "Of course, little man". The wind nipped at her jean-clad legs the moment she stepped out, and she silently thanked herself for wearing thermals. Opening the passenger door, she unbuckled AJ's carseat restraints before slipping him into his winter coat and mittens. She grabbed the bag containing their supplies and led them along the cobblestone path to benches that dotted the shore.
"Will der be lots of ducks, Aunt Mac?" AJ asked, slipping his little hand into hers and gazing up at her with eyes that pinched her heart every time.
"Oh, I bet there will be plenty," Mac answered, pointing to the large colony of fowl opposite the shoreline. "Look, there's a bunch on the other side of the pond". She chose a bench a foot or two away from the water's edge and removed the fleece blanket so she could spread it across the cold metal slats. "Now, we'll sit here, and we'll throw a little bit to get their attention".
"But der way over der, Aun Mac. Dey won't see us". AJ noted, his face drawing up in distress as he craned his neck to see them.
"Just you wait and see, little man. They'll be over here in no time". Mac opened the Ziploc bag and placed a small portion of the kibble in AJ's mitted hand. "Now you stay right here. Don't move". While the city had recently renovated the park and improved the stone perimeter that hugged the edge of the river, it was slick from an accumulation of duck droppings and snow. The last thing she wanted was for AJ to slip and fall into the sub-freezing water.
The water lapped at the frozen edge, and the sound filtered in with it sweet memories from her time as a young girl. Matthew would oftentimes take her out on the weekends when he was off-duty. He'd pull up in his old '69 Toronado, and she'd flip a coin. Heads meant their destination was the mountains rising high above the rust colored dunes where he taught her how to identify dinosaur tracks. Tails sent them to the chuckling waters of the Verde River, where he taught her how to reel in rainbow trout without losing her line or lure.
Mac had started drinking shortly after her mother had abandoned her at age fifteen. By the time she was seventeen, her drinking was growing out of control, though that hadn't stopped her from graduating high school and obtaining a partial scholarship to the local college based on her near-perfect ACT score. She knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that had it not been for Matthew's interference, the turbulent waters of life would have dragged her under. She never blamed anyone for her poor choices, only blamed her mother for not loving her enough to secure her daughter's well-being and future.
A tug at her coat sleeve interrupted her thoughts. "Aunt Mac? Can you hurry? The ducks are gonna swim away".
Mac sighed. It was the second time in the span of fifteen minutes that she'd managed to zone out, and with AJ being so dangerously close to the frigid water, it made her mentally kick herself. She really was going to have to get a better handle on her emotions. "They haven't gone anywhere, AJ. Look", she pointed across the shoreline, where the ducks, having noticed a readily available source of food, had begun to make their way across the water. "See? They're already swimming over here".
AJ sniffled, wiping his runny nose on the sleeve of his coat. "But I won't get to see dem no mores".
"Here baby," she pulled a pack of Kleenex out of her purse and cleaned his nose for him, "don't do that. Use tissues." She prodded for more information. "What makes you think you won't see the ducks again?"
AJ sniffled but remembered his tissues and used them instead of his coat sleeves. "Mommy said when da new baby comes, she can't take me no mores".
Ahhhh. So that was it.
A light bulb went off in Mac's head, and pieces of the puzzle fell together for a clear picture. AJ's behavior at school had nothing to do with his unwillingness to follow directions and everything to do with his fear nobody would have time for him.
"Well, it will take your mommy awhile to get better after having the baby. How about I take you to see the ducks? Would you be okay with that until your mommy can take you again?"
"You pwomise?" AJ gave her a skeptical look.
"As long as you listen to your teacher, and you're a good boy at home, I will take you to the park". She held up a pinky. "Pinky promise".
He looked doubtful, not particularly swayed by Mac's words.
"Have I ever lied to you, AJ?"
AJ thought about her question for a moment before vigorously shaking his head in the negative. "No, Aun Mac. Mommy and Daddy say wying is bad".
Mac nodded. "And they are right. Lying is never good". She reached out to take his mitted hand in hers. There were changes coming AJ's way, and in his little world, he didn't quite understand them, and it made him anxious. "You know, your mommy and daddy are going to need a lot of help when the new baby gets here. I just know you are going to be a great big brother, and a great helper to them".
"I am?" AJ asked, eyes growing wide.
Mac couldn't help but smile at his innocence. "Of course you are. Look at what a big boy you've grown to be."
He contemplated her words for a moment before nodding. "I wuv you Aun Mac," he finally said, capturing her heart completely.
She tugged the boy close, planting a kiss on the crown of his head. He smelled of preschool crayons and peanut butter and rambunctious energy. "Do you know how much I love you, little man?"
AJ pulled back far enough to stretch his arms out wide, a sweet grin covering his face.
"You got it, kiddo! I love you," she mirrored his arms, "THIIIIIIIIS MUCH!" To her delight, he threw himself into her arms, and she hauled him onto her lap, wishing to hold him forever. The familiar pang of envy swelled exponentially within her heart, making it ache with a longingness for the one thing she wanted most but feared she'd never have. It wasn't the first time these feelings had manifested, but it was becoming increasingly regular as the little boy's fifth birthday inched ever closer. The reminder of what she didn't have threatened to drown her heart. She had been emotional enough on Thanksgiving, knowing it was her last one with Matthew. Then, when Harriet announced her pregnancy during dinner, it brought her feelings back to the surface, where she managed to stuff them down just long enough to get thru the festivities. But when she spent the previous evening hanging ornaments, ornaments that had been made by AJ, Chloe, and the little girl in Bosnia, she had felt such a rush of love and fear. Love for those three precious lives that had changed her irreversibly; fear that she would never have a sweet little boy of her own to throw his arms around her and tell her how much he loved her.
"How about we feed these guys?" She hugged AJ once more, kissed the top of his head, and set him on his feet. "I bet they are hungry, what do you think?"
The agreeable little boy nodded, and Mac took his hand, and together, they took turns showering the group of ducks with fish food, both minds on big changes coming their way, albeit different changes.
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::END CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE::