Me: Well, this is a nice change of scenery. For once, we're not at MY house and we're not at S's house. We're on the street!
S: I take offense to that! For your information, we're at my dad's place!
Me: Ah, fuck off S!
S: Fine!
Me: Wait, S!
S: Yes… :)
Me: Leave your dog, Milo. He can stay. Bye now!
S: FUCK YOU!
Me: Shut up and have another Oreo! Which reminds me, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET THESE! I thought it was agreed that we were to never eat them again!
S: I couldn't resist them! Besides, this IS the last time we're ever going to eat these things! After tomorrow… never again!
Me: Better be! Oreos are the snacks the devil eats in HELL!
S: In all seriousness, readers, they are pretty evil! They probably have 666 tattooed somewhere in the icing…
Me: S, what is it with you and 666! First your cat and now the Oreos. Next thing you know, you'll be accusing Milo of having it somewhere on his body!
S: Milo? Noooo! I'm convinced it's Raoul! Little black bastard is definitely the Anti-Christ! He's EXACTLY like that creepy dog from The Omen that stood in Damien's room and had the creepiest stare! Even the neighbours are creeped out by Raoul! He just sits there… staring…
Me: Oh look, I found a lost 5p! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
S: YOU BITCH! That's MY 5p!
Me: Finders keepers, losers weepers!
S: It's on MY bed, therefore it's mine! HAND IT OVER!
Me: LOOOOOOOOOOOOSERRRRRRRRR….. *Chucks it out the window*
S: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY 5P! I'M POOR NOW! D:
Me: I guess this wouldn't be a good time to remind you that your dad took your £20…?
S: NOOOOOOOOO! I'M EVEN POORER! D:
Me: Oh, yeah! AND I've stolen your debit card! :) Revenge for buying the demon biscuits!
S: NOOOOOOOO! I'M BANKRUPT! D:
Me: But, in all seriousness, the only one who's going to bankrupt S is her older brother!
S: Which he did… once… Dickhead!
Me: MUHAHAHAHAHA! *Sighs* Ok, back to business! For the first time, I actually got to meet S's father! Lovely man although God knows where he went wrong with this bitch!
S: HEY
Me: AND, I also got to meet S's 6 month Jack Russell puppy, Milo! Cuuuuute! Although, he's been given us the evil eye since we started eating the Oreos…
S: Yeah… He gets like that whenever he sees anyone eating food… He's worse than Tom was. At least Tom just sat back and stared at you with these really pathetic eyes… Milo sits right up next to you, licking his lips and trying to sneak a bite whenever he can…
Me: So, I think it's time to thank our reviewers! Angel of Love and Fluffy Stuff – In regards to Shan Yu, it's about time a girl personally kicked some arse! I'm sick of watching the Disney movies where the girl needs saving from the villain! Luckily, the chest infection's gone, but that does sound pretty damn awful! What's the school musical you're performing in?
S: AngelOfDarkness1959 – Ah, I'm sorry! As you can see, we're not doing Medusa because Shan Yu got the most number of votes. However, rest assured, Medusa will be in the next chapter and will be getting exactly what she deserves! I cannot deny that Mim was amusing but, I personally found her also a little flat as a character.
Me: SideshowJazz1 – Yes, we're at last doing Shan Yu! And, as you can see, we're updating on a regular basis now due to the Easter holidays! Well… until s resumes university! Loooooserrrrr!
S: You're going back as well!
Me: YOU are staying on for longer!
S: Only for like 3 months!
Me: Then you'll have to go back for tutorials! And you'll probably have 'the Princess' as your tutor! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
S: NOT HER! ANYONE BUT HER!
Me: Readers, if you want an idea of how bad she can be, we've taken the line, "Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess" and made it all about her! Yeah! That really ANNOYING and OBNOXIOUS line from that crappy Zelda cartoon said by Link! She reminds us of THAT! That's why we call her 'the Princess'!
S: I find it amazing how they managed to take a video game protagonist like Link, who NEVER talks, and made him into such a prick in the cartoon!
Me: Oh, let's watch that video on YouTube again! The one which shows ALL the clips of Link saying that line! It's so funny!
S: Excuse us!
Me: Ok, done! We TRIED the 10 minute challenge… but… we just couldn't handle it.
S: By 1.49 I was resisting the urge to strangle myself!
Me: Back to thanking our reviewers!
S: DarkDancer07 – Hello, Ames! Hollie and I are SO glad you're finally coming round to our way of thinking! It's the best way, believe us! *Sharpens axe* I know there was an octopus in Peter Pan: Return to Never Land that had its eyes set on eating Hook as well, but, frankly, the crocodile was better! He wanted Hook more! Think yourself lucky you haven't seen the Sword in the Stone! Hollie wasted hours of her life watching that stupid film while my own mother, who had nearly all the Disney films on video, never bought it because she thinks it's so boring!
Me: Hey, S, what IS your mother's favourite Disney film?
S: Pfft! Isn't it obvious? Hunchback of Notre Dame, bitch!
Me: Does she like Hunchback 2…? Does she like…. Sarousch? :P
S: FUCK NO! She saw a bit of it once when she rented the DVD for my autistic twin brother and was horrified at how shit the quality was! Even my twin brother, who knows Hellfire by heart and WILL sing and impersonate Frollo during the whole song when that scene plays, took one look at Hunchback 2 and lost interest immediately!
Me: YOU SEE WHAT WE DO FOR YOU, READERS! YOU SEE THE UTTER GARBAGE WE PUT OURSELF THROUGH FORYOUR ENTERTAINMENT! And what's the thanks we get? A two word review! I HATE YOU ALL! D:
S: Now, now, Hollie! We all know that's not true! Besides, the BAD Disney villains we have to review pale in comparison to the good ones we all love!
Me: True. BubblyShell22 – We're glad you're enjoying our fic and we look forward to more reviews from you! And we're also very grateful for your lovely comments!
S: Now that that's out the way, it's time to start the chappie!
Shan Yu
Me: This guy reminds me of Bill Sykes from Oliver! Although… not as entertaining…
S: Man! Have we got bad luck recently or something? First we get Madam Mim and now this guy!
Me: However, at least he was the main antagonist of the film he appeared in, and was dangerous.
S: Yep, can't fault the hulking, brute on that one! I think, interestingly enough, his most despicable act in the film was the one we never got to see!
Me: Which was what?
S: When he finds the little girls doll and decides to 'return it to her'. However, when it comes to returning something to someone, Shan Yu's methods are a little… violent. He doesn't just go find the person and hand it to them, oh no! He takes his whole army with him and massacres the whole village including the little girl!
Me: Nasty! What a sociopath!
S: Let's not forget that the guy apparently has jaundice! I mean, look at his eyes! They're yellow for Pete's sake!
Me: Maybe he's a smoker?
S: Wouldn't put it past him…
Me: And an alchie…
S: Oh, definitely! He was totally chucking back the vodka daily!
Me: Sometimes he would drink a giant cocktail of whatever alcoholic drink he could find! Know why? Because he's Shan Yu, goddamnit, and he can!
S: But there was one thing he couldn't do in the end, and that was survive been tied to exploding fireworks! Pretty way to go, mind…
Me: That said, let's do the gravestone!
Here Lies Shan Yu
Born – Well…. He looks to be in his 40's and Mulan was set during the Hun Dynasty… We're going to say…. We have NO idea!
Died – Why, when he exploded along with the pretty, bright fireworks of course!
. Are you telling me he can survive an avalanche but not FIREWORKS! For shame!
. What was up with his body! Grey skin, black sclera and yellow irises! WTF!
. He has an egg HEAD! Seriously, this man has the worst body proportion since Ratcliffe!
. We didn't see enough of him.
. What happened to his body! Cause I sure didn't see any body parts raining down on Mulan or the citizens afterwards!
. What is it with Disney villains having animal sidekicks that look EVIL! Maleficent had Diabolo the raven, Frollo had Snowball the horse (*Snickers*), and now Shan Yu with his falcon, Hauabusa! I want a Disney villain with an animal that looks NORMAL, DAMMIT!
. Conquering China and killing and attacking shit because he can!
S: You know, it's funny… For a villain with no personality and a HUMOUNGOUS ego, he sure wasn't all that misogynistic. I mean, the citizens and a lot of the men in Shang's troops were, but he really wasn't… In fact, if I remember correctly, when Mulan revealed herself to be the 'male' soldier that attacked and almost killed him, he went berserk and tried to fight her. That may not sound much but I do find it interesting how he doesn't question how she, as a woman, could have done such a thing to him. He just accepts it and tries to fight her, woman be damned!
Me: The first and only villain to recognize that women aren't the inferior sex! Granted, he did so by trying to kill her but, you know, it's still noteworthy!
S: I reckon he got so pissed off, not because she was a woman, but because no one, up until that point, had ever threatened his life so effectively.
Me: AND wiped out half his troops!
S: I mean, his first two appearances he's calm as Hell and SO confident in his and his army's abilities. Then, this slip of a 'boy' comes out of nowhere and causes an avalanche to come down on him and his army! It'd be enough to shake anyone up, really!
Me: Shan Yu, in my opinion, is another villain who could have been so much more if he'd had more screen time.
S: I agree. He wasn't boring in any way and was actually quite menacing, but, in the few times he appears in Mulan, he comes across more like the Chinese version of the Terminator instead of a human being with a complex personality. He's set on kill mode permanently and seems to delight in it when he isn't thinking about conquering China. He's actually something like Thrax from Osmosis Jones. A villain who seems to stand out a bit too much because of their evilness compared to the overall tone of the film.
Me: Ah, well! He was entertaining and, for that, he's a step up from Madam Mim! Anyway, much to our chagrin, we now have to bash him in a poem. Get to it, S!
The Legend of Shan Yu
Me: Wait! Since when was Shan Yu a legend!
S: Because I said so! Now get out of my poem, you bitch!
Me: Fine! It's already been half an hour since you wrote the title and you STILL haven't wrote anything!
S: I'm wracking my brains here! It's hard to write a poem about a villain who didn't get much screen time!
Limericks about Shan Yu
There once was a Disney villain called Shan Yu
And the goal to invade China was in his view.
But, his pride got in the way.
He didn't even have time to pray.
Because he exploded and his soul bid the Earth adieu.
So what happened when he went to Hell?
Well, when he got there he tried to rebel.
But, the demons are cruel,
They're the ones who rule.
So, now Shan Yu is constantly stuck in a cell.
The cell is small in length and size and very secure.
For a strong warrior like he it must be torture, we're sure.
He'll go insane in the end.
The boredom, I can't comprehend.
I wonder just how long he'll be able to endure.
Oh well, don't expect any sympathy for your distress.
After all, it's your own fault your soul's now in this mess.
You evil, heartless dick,
You sure make us sick!
And we enjoy all your suffering, we must confess!
Me: That's certainly something different this time. Limericks!
S: I thought it'd be a humorous contrast! You have an intimidating figure like Shan Yu who has no sense of humour whatsoever and sticks out like a sore thumb in the Disney universe, and then you have a bunch of limericks, rude, funny poems, to take the piss out of him!
Me: Why couldn't you have written a haiku about him! Maybe you wouldn't have spent an hour just staring at the title and telling me you were having a tough time thinking up something!
S: Haikus are JAPANESE, you bitch!
Me: I DON'T CARE! I just wanted to see you suffer writing one! :)
S: I really, really HATE YOU! :[
Me: Heard it all befooooooore!
S: Yes, well… I… SICK HER, MILO! DEFEND THE HONOUR OF YOUR MASTERRRRRR! :3
*Milo the puppy wags his tail at Hollie, stretches then lies down next to her while licking her hand.*
S: … _
Me: He's soooooo cute! ^^
S: Milo, you have disappointed me and brought shame onto my name! BAD DOG! VERY, VERY BAD DOG! ಠ_ಠ
Me: First, he wakes you up and won't leave you alone at 8am and now he won't stop trying to lick me, your enemy! Your dog clearly likes me better! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
S: YEAH, WELL THE CAT STILL HATES YOU!
Me: HE HATES YOU TOO!
S: ARGH! GET OUT OF MY DAD'S PLACE, NOW!
Me: No! Your dad likes me! Just like your mum likes me! You know what? I might even come back next week! :P
S: Well, next week… IF Hollie comes round, we'll be doing Madame Medusa!
Me: If not, then you'll have to wait at least another week because, on the 22nd of April, it's our-
Both: BIRTHDAY WEEK! :D
S: It stops for NO ONE!
Me: Not even the Disney villains! Or you lovely reviewers!
S: Soon as that's over though, we'll be back!
Me: With a vengeance!
S: Later then!
Me: Bye!