It'd been three months since the miscarriage. Things had not gotten anywhere near easier. Matter of fact, it got harder.
Sesshomaru just...didn't move. He would only get out of bed to use the bathroom. He'd begun to waste away rapidly. He wouldn't eat, he refused to drink, he didn't even want to take a shower but the whole time Inuyasha stayed patient with him. It was the least he could do since he was out with friends while Sesshomaru went through the miscarriage alone. He couldn't imagine how scared & helpless the inuyoukai must've been so that motivated him to do whatever it took to help his mate out.
"Hey Sessh. I cooked dinner" Inuyasha announced, bringing a tray of porkchops, mashed potatoes, peas & a biscuit into the bedroom.
Sesshomaru did not respond unless you considered him blinking as one.
"I know it might be too much but just eat as much as you can alright?" the hanyou said, setting the tray down on the bedside table. He was getting ready to walk away then Sesshomaru slowly pushed the tray off the table, causing it to fall to the floor, the food splattered onto their carpet & drapes. The half breed sighed. Why couldn't he just leave it there instead of making a mess? Who did he think had to clean it up? Certainly not him since he didn't want to get ass-
Inuyasha took a deep breath. No. It was wrong to blame Sesshomaru. He was grieving & everyone grieved in different ways. The only thing you could do for a grieving person is to be there for them & that was exactly what Inuyasha was going to do. He would place no blame on his mate. So he grabbed a bucket of warm, soapy water, a hand towel, got on his knees & scrubbed the stain out of the carpet.
...
"The problem seems to be that Sesshomaru has an immunologic disorder where his body thinks the fetus is a virus so his antiphospholipid antibodies attacks it" Dr. Grey said, "I feel that it mostly has to do with him being male so his body hasn't really had the chance to adjust itself to get ready to give birth"
Inuyasha rubbed his face tiredly. It was three in the morning & his head was hurting. Sesshomaru was still curled up in his seat in the corner but it was hard to tell if he was sleeping or not. "Is there...something we can do?"
"There hasn't been much research so it's still experimental, especially for males, but I have treated five women so far with blood thinners, certain steroids & asprin" the doctor responded.
"& how many were able to have another kid?"
"Three. The fourth woman unfortunately died after being involved in a car accident, unrelated to the drugs we'd given her. The fifth lost the ability to ever give birth"
The hanyou wrapped his whole hand over his mouth in contemplation & shifted his weight several times. "What caused this?"
The doctor shook her head once. "We aren't sure. We do know that none of it was caused by anything Sesshomaru did or didn't do"
"Would we be able to have another baby one day?"
Dr. Grey contemplated that then nodded. "With the right treatment I believe you two would be able to have as many healthy children as you wanted"
Inuyasha nodded, liking that response & feeling somewhat hopeful again. No future baby was ever going to be able to replace the one they lost but they could still have more. "Thank you so much, Dr. Grey. I really appreciate it"
The young woman smiled. "The pleasure is all mine. I won't push him to start treatment until he is absolutely ready. Just give me a call when that time comes.
"Yes ma'am. Thank you"
...
Inuyasha shifted as he slowly roused out of his sleep. It'd been a restless sleep, one where he woke up still tired. His eyes felt dry; he must've slept with his eyes open again. The therapist said people tended to do that when they're stressed.
The hanyou glanced over at his mate who was facing him. Sesshomaru's eyes were unfocused & staring at the half demon's chest area. He'd lost so much vibrancy in his skin & luster in his hair ever since the miscarriage. His eyes had sunken into his face from lack of nutrition & little to no sleep, his lips were dry & cracked & to be honest, he was beginning to smell since he never bothered to bathe.
"Good morning, baby" Inuyasha said quietly & leaned forward to kiss the inuyoukai on his forehead. Sesshomaru leaned away from it which was something he'd never done before.
Inuyasha frowned. "You don't want me to kiss you anymore?"
"I don't deserve...any of your love" Sesshomaru whispered, the first words he'd spoken in three months.
The hanyou's heart shattered into thousands of pieces. "Oh baby...you do though. You deserve all of it"
The silver haired beauty said nothing.
Inuyasha pulled him closer despite Sesshomaru trying to push him away. He couldn't believe how weak his mate was. "Sessh, it was not your fault. You & I did everything we could to take care of the bab-"
"I heard what Dr. Grey said, Inuyasha. My body attacked the fetus" Sesshomaru growled.
"It wasn't something you had any control over. These things happen & you can't do anything about it right? When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world"
Sesshomaru shoved him away & the glare he shot at the hanyou was multiplied by the dark circles around his eyes. "You can't take this seriously? Quoting me shit from The Lion King, have you lost your damn mind? This shit is not funny!"
Inuyasha held his hands up in a surrendering gesture. He didn't like to see Sesshomaru mad but it was a relief getting any kind of reaction out of him at all. "I wasn't trying to be funn-"
Sesshomaru got up abruptly, especially quick for someone who'd been in bed for the past seventeen hours, & headed toward the bathroom. "You always have the worst timing, being off with your friends & shit while I'm home panicking & in pain!"
Inuyasha, who was in the middle of getting up to follow his mate, froze & his mouth went slack. "Sessh...how can you say that to me like I planned to be away from you like that? If I'd known-"
"I called you several times!" Sesshomaru snapped.
A searing anger tore through the hanyou's body. "You gon' stop interrupting me, damn it! I wasn't paying attention to my phone, that was my fault, I'm fucking sorry!"
"That's not even a sincere apology! You're just saying that because you feel guilty that you left me here all alone!"
"Yeah I do feel fucking guilty for leaving you here but guess what, babe? You told me to fucking go!"
"Oh don't act like I control you, Inuyasha. You have a mind of your own"
"So what, you're saying I shoulda just told you no, I'd stay home?!"
"Yes!"
"How the FUCK was I supposed to know you would need me, Sessh?! Use your fucking brain, I mean shit! You act like your fucking reverse psychology shit is supposed to always work & I can read between your fucking lines! I ain't got time for that bullshit & you know it! You want me to stay then fucking ask me to stay! When did you get to be this stup-..."
Inuyasha stopped himself before he finished that word. Sesshomaru whirled on him, his eyes ablaze with anger but despite his mouth opening, he said nothing. Inuyasha's heart raced as he tried to think of the most sincere apology he could think of while also making sure he didn't apologze for the other things he meant but he kept drawing up a blank. He'd never even thought of anything so hurtful before. It made him nervous because this meant they were changing, they were growing. Did this mean they were growing apart?
Suddenly, fat tears rolled down Sesshomaru's face & his breath came out as a shudder. "So...you think I'm stupid...?"
"No" Inuyasha crooned, "No, baby, I don't think you are at all. I'm just angry & sometimes things I don't mean slip out & I just...I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean it"
"Get out" the inuyoukai whispered, more fat tears streaming from his eyes.
"No. I can't do that, Sessh"
"Get out"
"No"
Sesshomaru turned away for a minute then flung something [it looked like the soap dish] at the inuhanyou, his face contorted in a way that scared Inuyasha. He'd never seen his mate look so incredibly angry. "GET OUT!"
Inuyasha dodged more items being thrown at him, steadily making his way to Sesshomaru who was so full of rage he didn't seem to notice. The half demon's heart truly went out to the silver haired beauty though. It must tear someone up inside knowing there's nothing you can do to protect someone. He should know.
When Sesshomaru turned to find something else to throw, Inuyasha grabbed him & hugged him close. It didn't take much effort considering Sesshomaru hadn't eaten in so long & had gotten weak.
"Get the fuck off of me..." Sesshomaru growled.
"I love you" Inuyasha murmured in his ear.
Sesshomaru bit the hanyou on the shoulder, quite hard too, but the half demon only winced. They were both grieving. They both had to comfort each other. Even when things got hard & one started to act like they didn't care, they had to be there for each other. Inuyasha refused to even consider the thought of breaking up. Yes, he could live without Sesshomaru. He wasn't completely dependent on him but he'd rather have the inuyoukai in his life. Forever.
Sesshomaru stopped struggling & growling but he was still stiff like he didn't want to be held.
"I love you & that will never change" Inuyasha whispered, "I'm so sorry you feel like we lost the baby because of something you did or something I didn't do but please remember I'm grieving too. I didn't carry the baby in my body but I still helped make the baby. It was every part of me as it was of you so it would be extremely helpful if you stopped blaming me & if you would just...be there for me too. I'm grieving & I need someone to hold me & tell me they love me too"
The silver haired beauty relaxed slowly & after a few minutes of silence Inuyasha heard a very soft high pitched whine.
"Sessh..."
The whine slowly morphed into a low cry then sobbing. The hanyou had no idea what to do. Sesshomaru had never cried before for as long as he knew him. It made his heart feel like it was slowly being crushed. He could barely even breath.
"Please, baby-"
Sesshomaru pulled away & raised his red, watery eyes to his mate. He didn't say anything even though his lips parted. It was like the words were stuck in his throat.
"Just talk to me" Inuyasha whispered fiercely.
"I don't want to live anymore" Sesshomaru said almost under his breath.
The hanyou's eyes got hot. He had trouble swallowing the big lump in his throat. "Baby..."
"I just want to be left alone..."
"You know I can't do that"
"Just let me die" the inuyoukai whispered softly, more tears springing to his eyes, "Please. It hurts"
Inuyasha reached forward to grab his mate into a hug but Sesshomaru slapped his hands to the side. "Let me help you, Sessh, please. I love you"
"Get out" Sesshomaru whispered, slowly lowering himself to the edge of the bathtub, his strength depleted.
The hanyou took a few steps back out of the bathroom & took a few deep breaths before he grabbed anything sharp off the counter. With one last look, he stepped out of the bathroom, closed the door & slid to the floor before he let the tears flow & the sobs rack his body.