The Collector ship was given over through courtesy to the Hierarchy until all their people were evacuated and they had gathered the information they wanted to gather. Rather than wait there, with Turian thanks but insistence that their people would handle the waking and resettling of their people, the Normandy went back to the Citadel, partly because Cara was doing not so much but study, partly because every crew member that wished to could be interviewed and celebrated, coordinated by Garrus.
Partly because she and Garrus could spend time together there. There were also a few modifications to the Normandy that EDI wished to try to put in, partly as a result of her unshackling and partly as a result of inspiration from the Collector ship's design. The Citadel was the best place to get those done.
Cara had relatively secluded days and eight hours of Garrus, more than enough reason for an extended celebration and shore leave.
Three days after return, early morning Citadel time, Thane sent her a notification. "There are things I wish to discuss with you. If you would please indulge me, it would be greatly appreciated, Siha." Citadel address. One hour. Chaotic professional and personal possibilities whirled through her head. She went her circuitous route out, cloaked and shielded, stopped for a cupcake with Asari-inspired flavors, bracing herself for what Thane could have to say privately when he'd spoken on the ship openly about his wife and son.
This cannot be good.
The address was an apartment she entered to his somber welcome. He ushered her in with a sweeping arm, indicating a rich, sunken living area in tones of soft browns, golds and greens, with an extraordinary view of the Citadel skyline.
She thought the decorations were…human? Drell? Fusion? Hard to tell, she didn't know as much about architecture and design as she'd like. Despite the seeming gravity of the unknown purpose of her visit she had to suppress an urge to make notes, take pictures and run searches
Thane watched her, regretting the need for secrecy. The last hour and requirement of discretion had without doubt made her anxious and uncomfortable. She kept her hands behind her back, military parade rest stance. He indicated a seat.
She considered running. Again. She'd considered not showing up often in the past hour. Now that she was here…it would be terribly bad manners to make an assumption about his purpose. She sat down. Command, concern and curiosity got her here. She was going to have to bear with whatever consequences came.
He'd been watching her, seen much of her unguarded face. That led him to believe he understood the ripples of her thoughts and her truncated impulses. A cold and bitter wash of guilt at the extent to which he had violated her privacy swept through him, tempered with the fact that he would be doing it again if all went according to the Path. It was necessary. He would make it up to her if he could, if she would allow.
Once she was seated, he stepped closer, looked down at her from the vantage point of his own relaxed parade rest stance. He wanted to set her more at ease, but doubted that reliance on casual politeness or counseling patience would achieve that. Her mind would spin on gyroscopic axes, she would wonder, worry. He told her "Whatever is said here is confidential. I own this apartment. The glass is reinforced, armored and impervious to surveillance or high caliber ordnance, despite its apparent transparency from inside. There are automated sweeps for potential transmissions or recordings made hourly. Service personnel cover maintenance as well as physical technical sweeps. They are discreet, monitored and well paid. I have a proposition I would like you to consider that would benefit us both."
At the word 'proposition' her heart rate soared and her eyes looked as though she faced a firing squad. He said carefully "I do not wish to alarm you. Please breathe. Your pulse…is elevated."
She gave him her best 'last resort' stony faced silence. Pulse notwithstanding.
He smiled and said "Very well, as you wish. If you are alarmed thus far, you will remain so for a time. Would you care for a drink? Hot chocolate?"
No, she wanted this over with immediately. She shook her head. He inclined his. He stepped closer, brushed a finger over her upper lip, which made her resist the urge to burst out laughing from nervousness and press backward into the chair. Shock flared and a betraying blush surged to her face and limbs, her pulse pounding so hard she could hear it in her ears. She wanted to counter with an expression of outrage…but she couldn't. She stayed tongue tied and still. This was Thane. She trusted him. It wasn't his fault that she was that sensitive to contact.
She was going to go to Huerta with a heart attack as a result of this, she was sure.
He was an assassin, but he usually had to put out more effort to kill people. With her it seemed just standing there was sufficient.
He considered her flushed face, elevated pulse and selfishly enjoyed a moment of her blushing discomfiture, confirming again her attraction to him. He chose not to use the word 'adorable' in any setting at any time soon. She did not appear receptive.
He held his finger up with a soft quirk to his voice and mouth "Frosting."
She closed her eyes. Thane was too smart, too perceptive. She had run out of defenses and despite being Shepard had no offense. Not in this obviously personal setting. He had not touched her before. His advances had been sophisticated and reserved, and then they had stopped when she had ignored them…or run away. But…Siha…remained. She had hoped she had gained a crew member and squad mate, even a friend, had negotiated tentative and tasteful attraction, had dodged the Drell bullet.
She had and would dodge, because this Drell bullet belonged to a woman named Irikah.
She told herself quickly to calm down. It had been a casual brush of a finger. She was Commander Shepard and he simply did not want to watch her with…fuchsia frosting on her lip when he discussed whatever was so important that he brought her here.
His heightened senses were a boon in battle and a really…otherwise…bad thing.
And now he was smiling at her.
Smiling at her.
Get it together, Lal. He's an assassin under your command and it's not his fault that you respond to him this way. He deserves better. He deserves sophistication. He missed nothing, had a Drell memory, extrapolated much and did not keep a running account of what he knew, unlike Mordin.
Thane epitomized every tenet of physical grace and economy of movement, things her mother had tried to instill in her. Lal knew the discipline and talent it took to maintain Thane's lethality and demeanor, and she was appreciative, attracted, even fascinated, but absolutely…no way…would it happen.
Because Irikah. Because Kolyat. He already had forever with another woman. He was permanently out of bounds even if she had been available, and she wasn't. Because Garrus…and I can't tell you that.
Her head knew this beyond question, but she still couldn't hear the word Siha without having a small coronary event. She lined up all manner of 'No!' in her mind, resisting the impulse again to run, to fidget, to break into babbling or helpless inappropriate giggles.
How to tell him she was not interested when she was clearly interested? That was her problem, her fault, she couldn't shut him down as she should be able to. It was…impossible. She was going to have to make up some sort of contagious disease as an excuse to not touch him, wasn't she? "I…uh, I picked up…um…nemberfarger fever on…uh…this uncharted planet…um…Jinkertam. Yeah. It's deadly to Drell. Dang."
That would not work.
When she finally decided to face the consequences of masquerading as an Alpha in the presence of someone with no interest in pack dynamics, she opened her eyes. Thane licked the brightly colored frosting off his fingertip, making her swallow hard and tense her thighs involuntarily for a sprint.
He stepped back and leaned against a wall, enough distance to ease her desperately hammering heart. He seemed amused but not condescending as he said gently "Breathe, Siha. Face me as you would a Vorcha with a flame thrower."
There was that word again. Siha. She said as calmly as she could manage, but there was still a quaver to her voice "I am. My pulse is elevated when I blow out their tanks."
His smile widened in appreciation and then faded to a contemplative gaze. He said "I owe you an apology. I am not a danger to you personally or to your command. This is not about me applying pressure. I hope to mitigate pressure."
An apology? She still could not imagine…mitigate pressure? Like blowing off steam? No. NO. Still panicked, she listened, not willing to ask any questions or get tangled in her own curiosity.
He continued "I owe you an apology for being inappropriately intrigued about your life. I have done a great deal of illegal and intrusive research."
Oh. Oh no.
He said with regret in his voice "I obtained records of your rescue from Mindoir. I have obtained the records of your parents' lives before they traveled there. Your name is Cara Fanning. You do not have amnesia, nor did you ever have it. I have bugged your cabin. Garrus Vakarian is bonded to you and you are in love with him, but you cannot announce or celebrate your relationship due to political concerns."
Oh. OH NO.
"After your rescue on Mindoir you constructed a persona for yourself that is appropriate to command, while maintaining a private personality that while utterly charming, is hidden from those that surround you. I wished to learn more of you in hopes of convincing you to overcome any objection you might have had to having a relationship with me. I continued because you presented a unique mystery and challenge. I owe you my gratitude and Councilor Vakarian a debt I cannot repay. I regret treating you as an object of speculation and I regret subjecting you to sexual objectification."
Oh…she squeezed her eyes shut at that. She did not want an explanation. She held up a hand while hiding her face and croaked "Don't…please. I can't…don't tell me about that last thing. Please. I can get money. I can arrange for a bribe." She couldn't look at him. She definitely did not want to imagine what…he meant. Her mind supplied her with a vivid image of Thane masturbating, helpfully, and she bit down on the lining of her cheek. Now did she have to apologize for sexually objectifying him? No. He'd described it…he…
She chanted 'nononononono' internally in the tradition of saying 'lalalalalala.' It was too late to consider running, no strength left in limbs, no balance left, just swirling embarrassment, rooted to her position.
"In an attempt to confess and atone, I offer my arm beyond professional service. I propose protecting you. Knowing what I know of military tradition and your interaction with current squad mates, your command persona is warranted. I applaud your adoption of that cover. I attribute a great deal of your success to your ability to read people and situations, to be the person needed to maintain authority. Unfortunately as a side effect of that effort, you have created an enigma and an attractive cipher in Shepard, and you cannot afford to explain why you are not interested to those that grow more persistent. Much of my curiosity was provoked by your obvious signs of physical attraction, juxtaposed with your retreat without giving a reason. I was intrigued. Others have been and will be intrigued, but you are involved with Garrus Vakarian and do not wish, nor would you consider another relationship."
She was a mess, but she could follow. He didn't need to ask. He knew. He was giving her the opportunity to confirm. She said hoarsely "Yes. And I knew…I knew you might find out. I knew…someone would find out. I wanted to…I knew." She subsided, a knot of anxiety.
"I accept your conclusion of not desiring a relationship as absolute and final. To atone for violating your privacy, I propose providing you with a plausible shield from any further such attentions. Having discovered your aptitude for subterfuge, I suggest extending it cooperatively. I believe if we undertake the fiction of presenting ourselves as lovers, you will be spared others approaching you. I will protect you from that, leaving you with personal privacy on the Normandy, freedom to move on the Citadel and a distraction to the media which would divert attention from your relationship with the Councilor. You would have the opportunity to spend time here on the Citadel, unobserved, in this apartment, which would be my gift to you. This apartment has an entrance Councilor Vakarian could use without being discovered. You and I would enter from the public entrance, he could visit you unseen. Any media that wish to find you here will find me here, and I will deal with their presence."
She stared at him, her jaw having dropped during that delivery, and then she started to laugh, a little bit hysterically, with a sobbing wobble to the sound. She stopped laughing before it ramped up to truly hysterical. She put her head in her hands, the resurgent flush of red under her skin prickling and spreading. After what she knew was too long she tilted her head back and sighed. She stared at him, speechless. He commented drily "You are certainly not averse to lying. I could help you get as good at it in your private life as you are in your professional life."
She closed her eyes. Intellectually and strategically she could grasp, understand…but emotionally there were so many baseline things that she had to clarify before…before anything. She said "I didn't think it was possible to be this embarrassed. I'm…very…uncomfortable with the idea that your arm belongs to me. Both of your arms should belong to you. You should be spending time with Kolyat."
Thane answered reasonably "Kolyat as yet does not wish to spend all of his time with me. Perhaps he never will. That is his choice, not something you or I could or should influence other than providing opportunity and support."
Now she wanted to stand, pace, rant, blow off the crawling energy from under her skin. She aimed for Shepard, but her idealism came out like a released jet of water that had been held under pressure. "Thane…you're his father. You're dying. I recruited you because you sheltered Salarians in Dantius Towers, because I knew Nassana had earned death many times over." She told herself 'Don't say that he glowed.' He was in fact, still glowing. She didn't doubt him. She didn't mistrust him. That was earned and also with an overlay of faith. Once again she couldn't explain, but she trusted whatever instinct contributed to glowing. "If I had known about you as a person, what you have confided in me, I would never have recruited you. Would you consider please retiring somewhere dry and warm? As an alternate personal favor?"
He was oddly touched, but shook his head and said with finality "No."
She sighed, but felt better galloping in a different direction that didn't include the subject of sex. "I don't want to criticize Drell tradition, but I'm going to criticize Drell tradition. You were raised in stylized slavery. I don't want to prolong that mode of thinking. You offering me everything…turning your life into a lie…I can't. I'd be taking advantage."
Thane blinked with double lids slowly, watched and listened as she redirected the conversation. He was somewhat stung to have the topic changed to his…lack of agency over his own life…? It was preposterous. She might as well have accused him of being a Volus in a Drell suit. His mind struggled to reconcile the woman willing to pay him to not discuss her body's response to him and the woman who concerned herself with the feelings of a hardened and determined assassin who had just admitted to something that should make her want to kill him. The idea that she could…take advantage? He had met Commander Shepard. He had even met Lal. He had not yet met Cara, only observed her. Cara's response to being unveiled was not to insist upon being Shepard, but to insist upon herself. He said carefully to clarify, disbelieving this could be the case "You have concerns regarding my free will and ability to consent?"
She nodded emphatically, her eyes bright "You lived a life where your free will was taken and your consent was given for you."
"That may have once been true, but my arm has been my own for years."
She tilted her head and spoke in debate-team style, something he'd seen her do while formulating strategy in the field, now bright with personal passion and conviction that matched Shepard's tactical appraisal. Her shyness fled when dealing with points of logic and not points of person, although this was a point of logic regarding his person "My will having priority over yours amounts to extended battle sleep, where your Spirit does not guide you. You have often introduced yourself or referred to yourself as 'my' weapon. I know now that is not metaphoric or poetic. To you that is literal. To me that is unacceptable. I am against slavery. You are not mine."
He mitigated the incendiary impact of the word slavery by considering context. She did not think of him or treat him as a slave. This was perhaps not about her ownership of his arm, but his practice of giving his arm. Had he bound his will as fully to another as he had to hers, he could potentially be an instrument of mindless destruction. He had known Shepard's record before dedicating his life. His life also had meant less at the time. Would he have bound himself so fully to someone else? He doubted he could convince her that the answer was no. In his early career, he had been unconcerned with the nature of his target or the will that aimed him. He had been trained to excise curiosity in what led his handlers to choose a target while giving him the tools to explore all avenues of curiosity. He no longer limited his curiosity, clearly. Perhaps not clear to her. He focused on her transformation from shrinking shyness to impassioned virago, wishing to sustain it. As a distraction he said warmly "I am yours, but perhaps not in the way you wish, or not in a way you understand. Yet. Let us explore that. Please come with me, I would like a cup of tea."
He turned and she rose and followed, the numbness fading from her limbs with movement, but her pulse still pounding. She followed him quietly and then lost herself to envy and lust.
The kitchen…
Oh. Oh. The KITCHEN…was beautiful. She recalled him saying that this apartment would be his gift to her. He had not said this was 'his' apartment. He said he owned it, but he wasn't giving an apartment to her that had been his, he was giving her something tailored to her, down to the last seductive detail. From what she'd seen, Thane's diet consisted of mostly raw fruit. He'd have no use for a kitchen this elaborate, his tastes markedly more Spartan. He'd done his research and decided that if his body was an insufficient enticement…this would do.
Her coveting heart chimed in that he was not wrong.
Beautiful streamlined appliances, warm colors in soft peach and golden wood tones, simulated skylights streaming in warm, mellow light that glinted on shining copper-colored fixtures. She recognized gadgets she'd wanted to try…
She grinned as he busied himself with making Drell tea in a high-tech infuser she would love to examine, use over and over…the array of teas and coffees, chocolates, beverages from a dozen worlds, some she knew to be ridiculously expensive, things she'd never get for herself, or might manage once a year as a guilt-inducing extravagance. She said appreciatively "Trap…"
He shrugged, not looking at her, addressing his simple cup of Drell tea, avoiding the more elaborate brew possibilities. He said with a touch of knowing reveal "Elaborately baited."
She acknowledged that, and said "You should have opened with this."
He took a small sip and said "I did offer. You declined. I am willing to clarify, but not insist. That is how this will work, Siha."
Predictably her heart hammered and he smiled at her over the rim of his cup, unspoken appreciation that he had that effect on her.
She leaned against a counter, looked at him. So this was Thane in his natural habitat. Nestled amid temptation that if he did not manage one way he would manage another. She bowed and shook her head, swamped. He pulled out a chair at a rich polished wooden table adorned with a bowl of fruit, some human, some Asari, some Drell…and she got sidetracked by wanting to know what they were. She forced herself back to the bizarre moment, sat down when she realized he wouldn't leave her side until she did. He sat at the opposite end. She could feel the bubbling questions, tentative freedom to ask thousands of things. Was this Drell architecture? Who decorated it? What was that purple fruit? What kind of wood is this? She stayed quiet, clamping back down with habitual pressure to keep her tongue and mind from exploding. She breathed.
He said "I have considered your objections. Let me attempt to restate your point of view to be certain I have understood it. In prior conversation with you I stated I chose to be trained, yet my training began at the age of six. That circumstance cannot legally be described as me giving consent. My parents consented. I was a young child, idealistically, socially and religiously convinced of the correct course I should take by my community, by the Hanar and by my parents. I did not understand what it entailed. I did not understand the social pressures that demanded it. I only knew I was given a privilege and I had no response other than gratitude. On reflection, there was no point where I was given the opportunity to refuse, nor did I consider refusal. I was dutiful and diligent, possibly some of the attributes that caused me to be chosen. I was ultimately easily molded, and I took well to my training. Perhaps my aptitude, success and sense of duty caused me to believe I consented. I did not. Is that accurate?"
"Yes. I know it's human-centric. I don't know Drell attitudes, but in human culture, children are not considered to have legal consent, and certain things are abuse. In your case, forced labor. In addition, you were trained to evade the law and commit murder. Unless you can educate me, I can't see it any other way."
He did not fundamentally disagree with her on that point. He continued "My training was in fact idealistic, socially and religiously freighted with coercion and abuse. However the Compact began, it has become predatory, and I believe it needs to end."
She said quickly "Then do that. That is what your Spirit wills."
He shook his head and said "That would be incomplete understanding of my Spirit. If you wish to understand about my life, you need only ask, I will tell you. Your curiosity is something you are forced to suppress. I will stipulate that my training and my early career while under Hanar handling was not a matter of consent, but coercion. This is not to say I did not take deep pride in it. I did. I do. Whatever limited choices I had, I made the most of them."
She looked at him, eyebrows drawn and voice soft "How many choices did you have?"
"I could have refused to serve. Once I was at the age of adult consent by Drell or human terms, I could have escaped and not reported back. I had been trained to evade. I could certainly evade Hanar, who needed me to do what they could not. I did not. I thrived on the training, I enjoyed the status. I cannot change my upbringing. You cannot change yours. You had your family and social support taken from you at the age of sixteen. You thrived on the training, you enjoyed the status. Would that be incorrect?"
"No. That's true."
"The Hanar instilled in me that I had no right to my own name or to my family. I served the Drell, I served the Hanar, I served the Gods, and I carried a burden, a debt, not of my own making. The debt was and is real. My people nearly destroyed themselves. Yes, the Compact resembles slavery, but many Drell live free lives, and would not had the Hanar not intervened. Without them I would not exist. The Compact asked me to pay the price of life and freedom for many. I did so willingly." He considered his words for a moment as he shifted from speaking as an authority about himself, to speaking about his impressions of her "What was it that made you choose to change your name?"
"I knew Mindoir was considered a place that was bordering on cult. I did not agree. I did not want to defend or explain. I wanted to forget. It's what my parents would have wanted, for me to not dwell on the ugly, remember them as they were, not as I last saw them. I believed reporters or interviewers would only ever associate the name of Mindoir with the tragedy and not the real place. Lal is a name my father called me. Shepard is a reminder that I came from an innocent place, and the worlds do not reward innocence, it is preyed upon. I value innocence. I value what my parents made there. There was nothing wrong about where I grew up, there was only something wrong with the Batarian slavers. I could only preserve my views, what they gave me, by hiding them. When the Batarian ships approached I was too far away from the settlement to do anything meaningful. I knew they were slavers because of a wanted bulletin. I had an Omni Tool but my parents didn't, they were too expensive. The settlement sent a distress call, and I did the same, but there were no Alliance ships near. I knew my parents would fight and would die. If I had approached I would have been seen. By the time night fell the Batarians had already gathered up all the colonists and were sorting their cargo. I could tell that humans were a secondary concern to what was in the silos. If a human resisted, they died with sadistic brutality. Survival was more about luck. Even after the population had been subdued, before they were loaded onto the freighter they could die to a sudden shot to the head, being beaten to death, rape. The Batarians established that human life was abundant and expendable. Seeing how the Batarians operated, any plan I tried to formulate to save lives I knew would ultimately fail and backfire. It would result in me dying and whoever I tried to save dying, others would die as a result of the delay and the defiance. There were no lone Batarians to pick off; they traveled in well armed packs. There were no stray humans to rescue, all well guarded and corralled while waiting to be loaded on. I reached my burned home, found my parents and the three Batarians they'd killed after the colonists had all been rounded up. I hid. To a greater or lesser extent I've been doing that ever since."
He'd seen Batarian slavers in action. He'd killed many of them. Drell were a prized target. Her assessment of their methods and understanding of consequence at the age of sixteen was only believable through association with her as an adult. "I have done research on your family. I have found no living relatives, but I do have documentation of your parents. If you wish to see it, I will give it to you."
"I looked for them, I couldn't find them."
"They changed their names."
"Yes, I would like to see that, please. I don't have…anything of theirs."
"You speak to them?"
"All the time."
"Whatever I have found is yours to see. I have the only copy of your interview after rescue. You were recorded."
She closed her eyes. "I didn't know, I didn't grow up with recordings …I didn't understand."
"I do not believe that from what I learned of Mindoir or your parents that they were religiously biased or foolish. Although I do not have the right to it, I would choose to honor their memory as well, and prefer that it was not lost, though I understand your need to hide them. You must understand that based on the illegal liberties I have taken, and what you have done for Kolyat, I owe you my life."
She shook her head and said "You don't. Under my command, of course with your life on the line, with so many lives on the line, who I am as a person would matter. With your ability to observe, with my tragic inability to…tell the truth about certain things like pounding hearts and blushing, there's no wonder you did what you did. I'm sorry I pushed you to it. If you'd asked me…"
"You would have lied."
She said with a short self deprecating laugh "I would have lied. Your curiosity was justified not only as a personal concern, but that I might be indoctrinated, that I might have…come back not quite right from resurrection. So many possibilities. 'Madness in great ones must not unwatched go.' You are watchful. Given the amount of…inconsistency you personally experienced, I'd have probably wanted to do the same thing, but I don't have your skill set."
Gratified and touched, he steered the conversation back to her objection to his…inability to consent. He said "So we were both then taken from our families without consent. You knew it was without your consent. I believed it was with mine. You did what you did with your remaining choices in order to protect what was important to you. I did what I did with my remaining choices to protect what was important to me. Regardless of my age, regardless of your age, both too young to truly understand the implications of what we did, we still chose. You chose to conceal your family. I chose to honor Drell debt with my life. The memory of your parents drives you to save lives. The memory of Drell failure and Hanar rescue drove me to take lives. Would that be correct?"
She thought a moment, and said "That phrase…regardless of your age…I can't just dismiss it in the same way. The people of Mindoir had their consent absolutely taken. They had control chips implanted. I did not. What if the manner of your training resulted in the equivalent of a control chip? You offer unquestioned obedience, no attachment to what I ask you to do. How is that different from you having a control chip and me providing the order for your action?"
"I did not grant you unquestioned obedience or we would not be having this conversation. This is a result of me pursuing you, someone I wanted, someone I planned to stalk. I planned to find weaknesses in you and exploit them. I wished to protect you from everyone and everything but me. I was aware you resisted the idea, had I been fully your arm, I would have abided by that. It had to do with wanting you in my bed. In discovering I could not have a relationship, the urge to protect you remained, and the number of threats you faced were extensive. What if the imprint of your parents controls you? What if the imprint of military service controls you? You bear them both, deep and incontrovertible. No reasonable argument of death or failure will make you change your course."
It wasn't fair, but she ignored her blush, ignored pursuing lust as proof of will. That was a hunger, and had nothing to do with who she was, only who he'd thought her to be. That was her fault. He'd pursued meals and sleep also. She pressed on "But I chose my path, Thane. Nobody chose it for me. I have been…alone on that path for the majority of my life now. Plenty of time to change my mind."
He sorted through that and said "Let me say what you are too polite to say. Your path is righteous and always has been. All that you required to choose it was the will and the courage. My path is not the same. Your curiosity and ethical compass are essential to who you are. In contrast, my Path, my mind was free of ethical judgment and curiosity. Meeting Irikah changed that. Meeting you changed that further. Now I have adopted ethical judgment and curiosity as tools to use to better choose targets. I have learned and adapted what I chose to keep from my training and what I chose to discard."
Her brows drew together and she said "But what if they are not a part of you any longer because they were taken from you before you knew what they were? What if you still don't know what ethical judgment and curiosity could mean to you?"
He set his cup aside, leaned on the table, hands steepled "You believe that if I were more like you, my life would be better. However, we are here because there is a need in your life that distresses you, and in order to fulfill gaining privacy for yourself, you must either be more like me or you require my services. There are things you can learn from me. Things that do not spring from your intellect or Spirit. They are of value tactically in order to preserve political options while allowing you to still be a person, and a person in love. Do not equate the ability to make a choice with it always resulting in the morally correct choice. I have not spent my life pursuing the goal of being a good person. I made choices that resulted in staying alive. I made choices that added to my status, to my ego, choices that achieved what I wanted for myself. Perhaps not the best use of consent, but it does qualify as consent. You require people like me to kill for you. There is a need, that need is rewarded handsomely. My consent led to reward, not ethical superiority."
She said wryly "So I'm not only human-centric but Shepard-centric."
He said softly "As you should be."
She smiled and said "I'm…thank you. I'm sorry for judging. This is why I…well, you don't need to have this in your head."
He shook his head and said "I wish to know your thoughts. I have not earned it, but I aspire to be your friend. If I cannot attain that, I aspire to give you what time and privacy you need to be a Whole person, to do your job. It cannot be done by another. You could be protected by another, but I wish to claim that privilege. You sharing your thoughts has meaning beyond the thoughts themselves. You should not apologize for not being the one to say that I have lived a selfish life. I was the one to point it out."
She looked at him, quietly assessing and said "I will not lead you in a selfish direction."
"You attempted to, I refused. Perhaps less selfishness and more ethical clarity is what I need now in my life. More than somewhere dry and warm. Let me retell the story of me meeting Irikah in order to display consent, display how choices were made, display selfishness. Upon reflection, analysis and understanding of that moment, this is what I know of myself. Ego and lust drove me, drove my choices. Mundane things I dressed as revelation and love. I granted Irikah divinity by proxy. I believed that if Arashu guided me and I was her Blessed, only one guided by Arashu would dare interfere. Beyond what I saw, beyond what I felt, I must with distance and memory examine what I did."
"Thane, you don't have to…I'm sorry…"
He looked at her distress and smiled, saying gently "You told the story of Mindoir. I will tell mine, to set your heart more at ease. Whether or not I was a slave, I am no longer."
She subsided and nodded.
"My choice was not only about Irikah, but about the unknowing man who walked by, whose targeting she spoiled. I fell at Irikah's feet, listened to her speak, believed her to be from Arashu Herself, and yet…her words, which I believed would be divine, were not. She was still a gentle, beautiful and loving Drell woman and I wanted her. Without Irikah's knowledge, defying any sense that she was a messenger from Arashu to turn me from my Path, I stalked and killed the target Irikah had intended to protect, had believed I spared. I did not confess my action, did not fear her judgment in a divine sense. I knew her to be a woman without omniscience, who would never know. In this moment it was my ego and Path that mattered, that sang. I did not fear the Gods, I did not fear the Hanar, I did not fear Irikah. I chose a new Path. I wished to express new things. I wished my freedom. I wanted a woman of beauty and character. Irikah could not alter my nature. More importantly, despite my dedication, I could not alter my nature. I was only able to redirect it." He looked at her and said "I am not certain you have had any length of time spent away from your chosen Path, barring your death. Have you?"
She quirked a smile and said "Other than shore leave spent avoiding responsibility, no. By the end of the shore leave, as much as I would have loved to stay and continue to play at whatever I was doing…I knew it was play. I always know I need to get back to work."
He nodded and said "My work was what I knew I needed to get back to. It was a need I tried to deny but a need nonetheless. Not only the urge to maintain skills and test them against trial, but the need for the financial reward. I do not know if I loved Irikah in the beginning, if it was love and not merely lust at first sight. I did and do know I was not good enough for her. I believe I love her now, I believe she held my heart in her hands and it beat for her. I believe what began as ego and lust grew to me honoring her, wanting to deserve her, wanting to earn the right to be by her side. I will struggle with deserving her until I see her face by the Shores and hear that she has forgiven me, my trials and tests over. Each time I left I missed her voice, her laugh, her smile, her body by mine, but between work I grew restless. I would find work, take difficult contracts with high payouts. I would fulfill my purpose, I would return to her, having earned the right. That is what my perfect life was to me. I had a beautiful, extraordinary wife, a healthy son, and a purpose. I perhaps cannot explain how those two opposite worlds led from one to the other and back again in a cycle I needed, where each step in each world had meaning. I was able to keep her in comfort, I was able to aid her family, buy homes and pay medical bills for Kepral's sufferers. If I stayed at home, idle, watching destitution in the community that I could do nothing about…I knew…I could make her life better. I chose my targets with care. There was a grim satisfaction in killing people who deserved to die. If I had your mind, I might have known there was nothing I could have done to save Irikah, as you knew there was nothing you could do to save your parents."
"Then use my mind. If your arm is pledged to my service, the least I can do is give you my mind. You never wished harm on Irikah or Kolyat, you loved them, you love them. The people you hunted…the people that killed her…they wanted to do you as much damage as possible. Don't let them. Take the memory of her back. If she is by the Shores, she knows who killed her, and she knows it was not you. She knew that in her last moments and I imagine her deepest sorrow was for you and Kolyat, not her own pain. My parents knew Mindoir was dangerous. They did it anyway. Who they were together was beautiful and braver than I am now. I want that for myself someday, if I ever can, to spend time with my bond mate without counting every fear. To dance, to bake bread, to laugh. To create. To spend a full day on creation and not offense or defense. I haven't been able to be that brave, I live between the world without them and the world they created, but I need what they created to remember…people like them deserve their dreams. People like them are the ones that make the worlds better places. They created their own personal heaven and I lived in it. It wasn't a lie. It wasn't a mistake. If I can't live a dream anymore, I can…still…have faith that the worlds can be better places, that I can do that with what they gave me. Who you and Irikah and Kolyat were together was and is beautiful. Irikah knew she was vulnerable, she chose to love you anyway. She was not a fool, not a victim. She was brave. She has her own Spirit, her own choices. She wouldn't blame you any more than my parents would want me to remember only the smoke of Mindoir. You had years with her, they were your best life. My best life was on Mindoir. It's over, but it shouldn't be forgotten or overwritten because the end was brutal. The end was out of our hands. I have no doubt you tried to protect Irikah, and they found a way around your efforts. Mindoir was building up defense but the Batarians knew what remaining holes there were in coverage to exploit. We would never want it to end, would never choose to be cast out of heaven. Evil people did something brutal because you fought back against them. You had a life worth living, a love worth feeling. She loved you. I don't want to apply human-centric ideas like heaven here, I don't believe in human heaven, but it matters what you believe. If she is by the Shores, she still loves you. She does not want to see you suffer. Your son, whether or not he is angry at you, chose to follow a path you followed because he wanted to feel connected to you. If I did have the ability to override your judgment, maybe it would be best used here. Allow Irikah's life to stand, to mean more than her death. Give her back her choices. Give her back the fact that she loved you, knew you as you were and wanted a life with you enough to take all the risks she took to be with you. Believe she would do it again. She knew that she, that everyone, faces the possibility of brutal loss, and they still choose. You blame yourself, and that blame keeps you from feeling connected to her. Don't let what they did take her from you."
He stared at her, his own flush of embarrassment, of vulnerability on his face, in his voice. His own heart pounding in his ears. He said solemnly "I will try. You sound…like her. I believe you could speak for her. Thank you. It is a Drell thought but it seems to apply to at least one human. Some people are born with a fire burning, a fire that when nurtured and built can blaze bright enough to set them apart, make them special. Your talent is strategy. My talent is death. Irikah's talent is love. You are right and I have focused on the fact that she could not change my nature…but I did not change hers either. She was love every moment that I was blessed to spend with her. Had I been given Irikah's life, I believe I would still have been chosen as tribute, because even by six years old it burned. Had Irikah been born a farmer on Mindoir she would have loved her family, attempted to defend others from overwhelming force and died during the invasion, or been taken for a slave. Had you been born on Kahje, you would have not been chosen as tribute because of your unbiddable personality, your insistence on self…" He trailed off, smiled wryly, looking at her with a mockingly censuring raised brow ridge, she laughed.
"Your strategic capacity would still burn. You would find a way to protect people, observation of injustice would move you to it. I submit Spirit, Siha, not consent. The nature of who we are, persisting through all circumstances, guiding us when others would see choices and we see no choice. A Path. A Rightness. Unbroken and incontrovertible. Irikah's fire burns still, in my heart, in Kolyat's. You are right. It does not matter if I believe myself undeserving, to honor her I must honor who she truly was, that she would love me and honor her oath to me, that she chose to do so with her own will...which was extraordinary, as you say, and not a miscalculation. I was not pulled from my nature by Irikah. I will not be pulled from my nature by you. Neither of you would be influenced by me in a way that would deny your nature. Through both of you, I can better apply my nature. I can place it in the service of a greater vision. You cannot take a word like consent and carve me into pieces, weigh each and determine whether or not more of me or less of me understands what I do. I should not take Irikah's death, carve that moment up, feel that weight only and allow that to define me or her. She was a Whole person, like your parents. She would be the first to forgive. I will try to hear that in her voice. I do not know if I can, but I shall try. You perhaps had no choice in joining the military, having been enrolled in a military academy after your rescue, after you were severed from your family. At some point you could have. You could have returned to Mindoir, you could have, with your mind, gained admission to any route of higher learning. You did not. You chose the default Path of military to be your dedicated Path. Why?"
"They saved my life. I don't have…or didn't have…a person to share my life with. I had a cat. I had my training. I had the memory of Mindoir simultaneously letting me know that innocence was of infinite value, and that things of infinite value were hunted. I wasn't brave enough to start a life of only innocence, so I became a hybrid. I kept my memories and began a new life as a hunter."
"You were and are good at it. That is your indefinable Spirit, your fate. In terms of being able to see the truth of Collectors and Reapers the best at it. You see the necessity. You pay the price each day to not express your personal wishes, but to serve a greater purpose. With each person you protect, it feeds your Spirit, guides and lights your Path. You enjoy baking, and although it appears you are passable and passionate, I doubt you experience the full ringing genius of who you are until there is a life on the line and not a meringue."
She said with mock offense "Meringues are hard to make. I still can't get them right. I've tried."
The corner of his mouth lifted in a smile in response "You asked me to retire to somewhere warm and dry. In a lifetime spent pursuing reward, I will tell you no without need to think about it. It is not my Path. My Path is by your side. I offer to buy you a bakery, Siha, to give you an opportunity to take a selfish path after a lifetime of service. Would you accept?"
She tilted her head and said "No. My meringue dream will go unfulfilled."
"It would delight some part of you, but deny your fate its Path. You would see the news. You would be drawn from helplessness to competence."
Parsed that way…yes, she understood. Beyond that…she…was understood, or he was trying. It mattered. But… "Those choices you describe as unwise, as selfish, would you take whatever illumination I have provided and make a different choice than pledging me your arm? Knowing what you know, would you destroy the Compact instead of Reapers? Maybe you don't come back and Kolyat regrets that he was unable to overcome a lifetime of resentment in order to spend precious time with you. I need to know you're at least free to think about staying with him. I need you to know I think you should. By your argument, this is my Path, not yours."
He tried to consider what she asked. He did not give her a no immediately. "I will reflect upon that. Thank you for the consideration of my greater good. It is appreciated. Much of what you say here, I must meditate upon. Kolyat has only one father, and there are many that could walk by your side. However, I am already here. I already know you. I have never let a job go unfulfilled. It is not my nature. I care about you. I cannot step aside because you believe me to potentially be interchangeable with someone else. Removing Drell terminology, instead of giving you my arm without my Spirit, I offer both. I believe following your orders would result in a greater good. It would be action in service of innocent life. Kolyat's life. Your life. I could regain Irikah's regard. I could take pride in my action, return home to her having earned the right to stand by her once again, as I did when she was alive, this time coming to her by the Shores penitent and of service. I could gain Kolyat's respect. I could gain your friendship. If I follow your urging to step aside, if I live out my short life, he and I drink tea together, but because I was not at your side, we all fall to Reapers. I would certainly die from Kepral's knowing his life was at further risk and I did nothing to preserve it when I could have." He smiled and then said "I have not lost my ego as part of my decisions. Perhaps if I were truly selfish, I would take him with me and hide. I will not. Likely you would prefer to never have Batarians attack Mindoir, to have your parents back, to be the daughter you wished to be. You would be a farmer on Mindoir that would die in a Reaper invasion. A happy life, a quiet life of contemplation and beauty. Would you choose to condemn the galaxy to that, knowing what you know?"
She was silent. She had sought clarity but they had achieved immeasurable complication. In the end she had to trust to his judgment or override it, and she would not override his will. He knew that well enough. It would be the height of logical fallacy to insist he has his own will, then when he expressed it, tell him he was wrong.
He watched her face and said after her prolonged silence said "You accepted my service in Dantius Towers, but you wish to return me to myself?"
"I do. Not only did I not know about your life, but the circumstances of your life have drastically changed. Kolyat came back into your life."
"Kolyat came back into my life because you arranged for that to be so. Your interference in my chosen fate made that possible. Had you not pursued me, I would likely be dead. Had you not offered me a path that had a greater use for my skill than I was able to secure for myself, I would not have thought myself a potential solution to Kolyat's impulsive choice. Had I survived Dantius Towers I still might have fatalistically accepted his death as I have accepted the loss of my ancestors, as I accepted Irikah's death, as I have accepted Kepral's. You…are the factor that changed my Path. You gave me the example of willingness to fight when all seems lost, on a greater scale than I had imagined. What I encountered later on my continuing path is still a result of your presence in my life."
She said with a tight throat, unable to understand what could drive a person to suicidal action, unwilling to imagine it in him "You…wanted to die that day."
"Yes. Before encountering you I had nothing to offer Kolyat but more death and lies. It is your light on that Path, your hope, your unwavering…in fact unreasonable but compelling…faith that allowed me to believe that I could change Kolyat's path, as you had changed mine. Whether or not you believe it to be so, your presence overrode my set will. You denied me the death I sought, you denied me the choice I'd made regarding Kolyat's freedom from my mistakes. Your introduction to my life was and will be a defining and resounding change in my outlook. I believed you to be the woman you presented yourself to be for long enough that I did not question your presentation until later…until I…cared enough to ask some questions."
"What questions?"
He smiled "Where did brownies come from? Why was there flour on your workout clothes? In essence…I followed the frosting. Beyond my attraction to you personally I became intrigued, fascinated by the disparity between your command philosophy and your inner life. Once Councilor Vakarian was known to be involved with you and also inherent in Kolyat's preservation, I wished to learn more of him, of both of you. I owe him a debt as well. I will also admit that it is rare to express attraction to anyone and have it go unreciprocated."
She laughed and said, teasing "More ego. You spied on me because I spurned you?"
He smiled and said with reciprocal teasing "No, you did not spurn me. You are attracted to me."
She sighed and said "Yeah. Sorry about that. Can't seem to make it stop." You glow. If anybody understood mysterious fascination, it was her. "I am sorry that compelling Shepard is unavailable and shy Cara is also…unavailable."
His voice hardened, but in emphasis, not anger "Do not believe that I am no longer attracted to you. In all honesty I am more attracted. I will not act on it, but do not doubt that it is there."
She swallowed, hard, thinking he was being polite, still affected at the…courtly insistence. Heart pounding. Again.
He noticed that she did not look directly at him, and he allowed it for the moment, curious about her response and not willing to sidetrack her. He would insist. Later. She needed to know, desperately, that who she was could be loved, should be loved, was loved. He needed to tell her. It seemed he needed to hear it as well, not only from the woman before him, but from the woman behind him, whose enshrined memory denied her the love and hope she had embodied.
She continued, softer but clear "Even if I were not involved with Garrus…I still would not be able to be involved with you. Irikah waits for you by the Shores. I have religious or perhaps spiritual beliefs of my own. I believe you married a woman and that vow matters. All stages of that vow. Making it. Breaking it. Repairing it. You both committed to it being eternal. From the way you describe her, you honor her memory each day. If she were still here she would be at your side…if you allowed it. Your faith is broken, but not faith in her. Your faith in yourself is broken. If you could repair faith in yourself, your connection to her could be a source of joy and not pain. I can't help but think of my parents. I hear their voices every day. They loved me. I can't say goodbye to them. I want that for you, that you could hear her voice, enjoy her presence every day. If you had died before her, she would have remained true to her promise. I believe in what my parents had together. I want that. I could never…come between you and Irikah. I can see that you loved her, I can see from the stories you tell that she loved you. Maybe other people don't see it that way. I think you do. I know I do."
"Then that is the truth I wish to honor. There are ways beyond erotic love that I could express what you have given to me. I wish to honor change in my mundane life. You…we…have set a meaningful trajectory. You have given me a possible path to forgiveness, to restoration to my family. Possibly Kolyat and I will make more mistakes, as seems to be our habit. Possibly we will succeed in growing closer. Nothing I could give to you in this life could reflect the gratitude I feel for that opportunity. To provide you with a refuge in this apartment, to provide you with a friend, a companion, even the fiction of a watchful and jealous lover. Though it is based upon a lie, it is still a functional and meaningful action. You would have your privacy restored to you, something I stole, something I will prevent others from stealing."
She looked around and said "Can I buy the apartment from you?"
He shook his head with finality "Gift. By tomorrow it will be in your name."
She pressed her lips together and said "It's too much."
"Not from my perspective. My life will benefit from my friendship with you. This conversation has convinced me that future conversations are something I desire, something I can have. But I will not place a burden upon your time if you do not wish it. Were you to monopolize my time, that is how I would wish to spend it. I am not compelled. There are things that are owed that are painful in execution. This would not be painful. I would in fact enjoy your company, enjoy protecting you. I admire you and I wish to further your goals, ease your Path, as you have done for me. I do this because I trust your goals, your dedication and your Spirit. Regardless of whether or not there is an eternity to be anticipated, this is how I wish to spend my remaining time, the wisest choice I could make with my circumstances."
She took a deep breath, said "You pledged your arm originally until the mission of the Collectors was over. We join our Paths until then. If we live…please…Thane…spend what time you have remaining with Kolyat. I…you feeling you would make a difference in the mission…to me…it is not ego. I need you. I know I need you."
He knew his body would deteriorate further. He was facing death soon either way. It was an easy promise to set her mind at ease. He did not want her to have to watch him lose his breath. "Very well. I will guard you, Siha. I promise it. Allow me to walk with you, I will be your arm in battle, I will be your shield in life. Irikah was…is still…a remarkable woman. You need not feel guilty for the deception. She would…find it amusing. We shall entertain her as she watches from the Shores. I owe her my fidelity, broken but with my hope to repair it, rededicate myself to a woman I feared severed from me from my own failings. Kolyat may or may not desire my company, but he has seen my face, heard my voice while we still live. He will know I care while I still have life to risk for him. These are gifts you have given to me. Allow me to give back. Collectors and Reapers threaten all life. They are real, not based on religion or faith. These are my choices, my beliefs, not something you compel. My Spirit. My fate. Romantically you will not be keeping me from another partner. There will be no other partner, though I cannot state I have not had other partners since her death. My fidelity, my fatherhood, my focus have been flawed. Whether or not I can be forgiven or redeemed belongs to those I have wronged and to Gods, it is beyond my control, but I can wish to earn it, now and for eternity. I can provide you with companionship, license to be yourself, and guard you in your private life as I would guard you on a mission. Please, Cara, say yes."
A deep spreading warmth of being understood guided her into looking around the kitchen once more, back to him and saying "Yes, Thane Krios, I would be honored to not be involved with you." She smiled at him and then said "Though I really have no idea what I'm agreeing to here. And we have to make sure Garrus doesn't kill you."