I am baaaack! Thank you all for the condolences. Amongst the sadness we have felt after a family member passing, my new husband and I went to Disneyland and California Adventure for our Honeymoon! And, of course, I got a cold during this time and still fighting it. But I promised you a chapter so here it is!

As the days turned into a full month, Harry admitted that he saw positive changes. His mood remained neutral on most days with the medication and therapy sessions, unless he was aggravated at Wyatt or depressed about a topic in group. Several times he had to take breaks during Grief Support because he felt ashamed of his feelings. He didn't want to talk about Sirius. He didn't want to talk about Remus, or the scores of dead over the past 20 years. He saved that for Mr. Birch until he was ready. The treatment centre had received a grant for a music program, which was an instant sensation. Harry decided on guitar over the piano an hoped that one day he would be able to play it enough to become good and add it to his skill journal. He already had a list:

Running a lap around the track

Asking to see Mr. Birch

Focus on a picture

Guitar

Ask to go to Blue

Breaths

Muscle tightening

Harry found that he was actually pretty good at track. He ran faster than Danny, who now attempts to trip him every time instead. He only managed to careen into one of the hurdles by accident and sported himself a rather impressive abrasion on his knee.

Clyde was gone by this time, and Danny found out he was running out of friends, except for Harry and Sara, of course.

Harry teamed up with him to play table tennis. "So, how long do you have left? I think you have been here longer than everyone."

Danny shrugged. "I dunno. Don't care to know. Honestly, I like being here than outside...too many bad folks where I come from. I'm just here until court tells me to go. Never I hope."

Harry could not believe his ears. "Don't tell me you sabotage just to stay."

Danny pretended to hush him. "Don't let Birch know!" he laughed. "Seriously though, I don't like what I was. I also don't like going back to my old life any time soon. I wasn't a very nice person, you know?"

For once Harry actually missed the ball and he dove to pick it up. Danny did a victory dance. "You realize you don't have to really go back, right? Tell that to the courts and see if you can be set up somewhere else."

"Empty promises, mate. Heard it all before. This is the only promise that actually turned out great. I don't know why people try to AWOL from this place. There's food, beds, meds, and girls! What else would you need?"

Harry laughed.

/

He had mild altercations with Evan now that Wyatt had moved on to easier prey. Thankfully they were minor episodes and Harry had managed to move up again to a yellow.

"How has your sleep been Harry?" Dr. Blankenship asked.

"Dunno...I fall asleep but don't stay asleep."

"Are you able to drift off again after a short time?"

He nodded. The dreams were few and far between, but when they did rip him from his sleep, Harry became incredibly embarrassed. Danny wanted to charge him for the amount of times he woke him up in a panic.

"Tell me about your anxiety."

"It's still there but fading a bit."

"Anger?"

"I have it when I'm triggered, but not at myself as much."

Dr. Blankenship smiled at him with pride. "Making strides, Harry. What do you think you need right now?"

Harry stared off but just shrugged. "I'm still depressed and feeling guilty."

"Just remember, medicine can't fix everything. I can't make you unfeel the world. Keep going with your groups and sessions and that hurt will become less."

Harry thought about this as he went through group that day. The hardest, he knew, was doing the opposite of what he felt...especially when he knew it was his guilty conscience and not truth. How could he find anything happy in complete misery? He was given a task to look at a flooded village, obliterated by debris and water. How was he to find hope in this? He saw the tree, standing tall and strong amongst the current, and Mr. Marks asked him to find the positive. Harry knew he was supposed to be witnessing strength, but all he saw was himself...pulled away in the flood of the life he didn't ask for. He felt like that tree often, and in his opinion, the tree was not strong, it was hanging on for life. Mr. Birch encouraged him when Harry explained the project, but he could feel himself sliding into another bout of misery.

The second week of October faded away, and the weather was definitely chilly. The day was cast with heavy clouds and physical education was put on hold. Instead Harry and the rest of Maple and Ash had a 'Rainy Day' session in the building near the track playing indoor sports and games. Feeling tired from not sleeping well, Harry decided to do a 300 piece puzzle. Danny was out egging on his competitors doing relay races. A poor 32 year old with a bad knee kept falling.

Sara wanted Harry to play chess with her, and before she could finish the sentence he cut her off to decline. Too many memories with chess.

It must have been the weather, but Harry knew something was different about today. It was confirmed when Aaron popped his head in and scanned the crowd until his eyes landed on Harry.

"Hey, come with me. People to see you."

Harry felt a lurch in his stomach...the same uncomfortable feeling when the Goblet of Fire spit out his name. He left his puzzle unfinished and followed Aaron out the door and into the cold.

"Who is it?"

"I wasn't told. Front desk just asked to come get you. I will put you in the family room. There are couches and such in there to meet in."

Harry felt sick.

He had a good right to be. Aaron scanned the key and the door unlocked loudly. He followed the man down the hall to a door near the front desk.

"Here you go."

Harry froze. Hermione, Ginny, and Ron all turned to look at him. He didn't know what to do.

"HARRY!" Ginny squealed as she leaped over the couch and gave him a crushing hug.

Aaron laughed and said he would be back when they were done. Harry wanted to leave with him.

"Hi, Gin," he whispered softly, feeling very awkward. Hermione embraced him more gently, and Ron remained seated grinning widely.

"Sorry we didn't visit sooner, mate, but Kingsley thought it was best we gave you time to settle in. It's been torture!"

Harry sat stiffly on the edge of the couch and Hermione tried to get him to relax. "Mr. and Mrs. Weasley wanted to come too, but they didn't want to overwhelm you with everyone. They both miss you."

Harry wanted to ask, "are they mad?" but he couldn't get a word out.

Ginny gave him another hug, one much more gentle. "How are you in this place? It looks nice on the outside."

Harry wanted to shy away from her. "It's been fine. Better than jail."

"Oh, good." Hermione said. "I was afraid of it being an awful place."

Harry shrugged. "Depends on who I am with."

Ginny reached over and played with the band on his arm. "What does that mean?"

"I get some extra privileges but not as much as the greens. Red is the lowest."

"Have you ever been red?"

"Most of the time."

Hermione raised her eyebrows. "Really? Why?"

Harry picked at a spot on his arm where pen ink bled in, trying to avoid her eyes. "Fights. Being overall miserable."

He could hear her sigh.

Ron chimed in, trying to be encouraging. "You'll be out soon. Then we can get back to the way it used to be. The Quidditch pitch at our house is still there, you know?"

Harry faked a smile. He didn't know why he was so tense. Every lonely part of him wanted to reach out to his friends and hold them tight. They were the only people who truly loved him...but why could he not feel it?

Ginny filled in the silence. "So, what sort of things do you do here?"

"Lots of groups. I go to school to catch up so that when I am done I can work. I see a person I talk to, and a doctor."

Ron gave a disgusted face. "Well, how about for fun?"

Harry managed a small smile. "We have a recreation room and I have met a couple friends. They are catching me up on films and music that I have obviously missed out on. I can't leave the campus unless I am a longstanding green."

"What are 'groups'?" asked Ginny.

"Yeah," Ron added. "They sound awful."

Hermione gave a sharp look.

"Well, we have projects and talk about stuff. Usually about why we are here and how to deal with it."

Hermione beamed. "That seems real great, Harry. I heard Kingsley spoke to the therapist and he knows all about the Wizarding World. That must be helpful!"

Harry nodded slightly. He was really hoping she would not ask about what sort of terrible things he talked to Mr. Birch of. Above all, he was very confused, assuming that they were there only to show him how angry they were when he left.

"Um..well," he said. "How is everyone?"

Ron went first. "Mum and Dad are doing really well. Dad got a raise at the Ministry for his work in the Order, AND, our family was honored by Kingsely himself. There is a huge statue at the Ministry going out to the families who died, and Fred was listed! We couldn't be happier about that! Did you hear that they might make us all into Witches and Wizards cards? That is the most wicked thing I have ever heard!"

Hermione chimed in. "Yes, and I got my parents back! They are living in our old house and I had to tell them what had happened. They understand, but, obviously were a bit addled about how I could do that."

Ginny went into detail about Professor McGonnagall's work with the Ministry to restore Hogwarts to its best so that the next year's students could attend. A Memorial was set in front of the gates honoring the battle. The Ministry was also even allowing students to access the Restricted Section for the first time in Hogwart's history. "People have really come around, Harry." she said. "They know all what you did for everyone...what we all did...people are moving on with their lives one day at a time."

Harry could not fathom what he was feeling. He should be rejoicing at what he was hearing...his old self would have. He knew that instead of possible reeking disgust he had in his chest, the news would have filled the many holes grief had given him. The three of them excitedly proclaimed that the world he left was rebuilding and 'moving on', yet it caused Harry increasingly frustrated and angry. The world that had pushed him away were now abruptly thankful. Not only that, they were thanking his failures and grief. Of all that they had gone through nothing was enough to bring it back or fix what was broken. Nothing was left to give back that was stolen away. The world was moving on, and here Harry was, continuing to melt away in shame without feeling any sense of redemption. Rewards were given to him for causing the deaths of innocents like Fred and Cedric? The thought sickened him. He knew Mr. Birch would say 'this is your guilt talking,' and he understood this now, but it shifted him to a very dark place. The darkness always swallowed him up to the point where he felt as though he was locked in a silent room with no windows or doors. Harry was suffocating in himself.

"IT'S STUPID WHAT THEY ARE DOING!" Harry shouted. "They are applauding us for something we did not ask for! We gave everything and they never said anything until they made the mistake!"

Ron, Hermione and Ginny froze, bewildered by his sudden outrage.

"Mate," Ron whispered. "What do you mean?"

Harry's breath was heated, as sign he knew meant he needed to use the skills he learned. His mind drew a blank at what to do. "I will not accept credit for something so terrible. The very idea of it sickens me, and now they want to put us on Wizarding cards?"

Hermione noticed his behavior and responded with calmness. "They are placing credit where it is due, Harry. They are acknowledging the pain we went through and asking for forgiveness." Her eyes softened. "I want you to forgive yourself."

"IT WON'T MAKE IT BETTER!" he shouted. "Just like these pitiful moves by the Ministry to apologize."

Hermione did not waver. "It is not supposed to fix it, Harry. Nothing can. We realize this, just as you do, but we know when someone is trying to make something right. I accept it because I, too, need to carry on with my life."

"I had hated myself Harry for leaving the two of you in the forest." Ron mumbled. "I kept thinking if I hadn't...well, you know. But I can't keep thinking about it or I will drive myself mad."

Ginny reached out to hold his hand. "And we are not angry that you left us, Harry."

He ripped his hand out of hers and grabbed his hair roughly. "I CAN'T DO IT! I WANT TO BUT I CAN'T!"

Ginny made a move to embrace him but Hermione pulled her back, cautious of what it would cause him to do.

The door to the room opened halfway and a staff named Kevin from the Ash dorm made eye contact with him, soft but stern. "Harry, if you are going to have a visit I can't have you doing this."

Harry anger was not relieved by the threat. "I am done with it anyway! I want to go back phys ed."

He ignored Ginny's face full of disappointment, which turned quickly to irate redness her mother always exhibited. "Harry, you can't chase us away because you don't want to talk about it!"

"I'm done!" he repeated loudly.

"Gin, enough." Ron warned. "He is not ready."

Hermione stood up and guided Ginny to the door. Kevin moved to let them out and Ron gave a quick wave. "See ya, mate."

Harry's fuming anger increased when Kevin softly shut the door so that it was just the two of them in the room.

"Do you want to talk about it, Harry?"

"No, Kevin, I don't!" he snapped.

The man did not move. "I need to make sure I do not send you back there angry like this. I want you to keep your status."

"It doesn't matter! I don't care if I am red the rest of my time here!"

The man did not budge. "Yes you do, Harry. Let's walk to phys ed and hopefully you can calm down the way there."

Harry felt like a child. "I want to see Mr. Birch."

Kevin shook his head. "Today is Monday, remember? The therapists are at a training in London. If you want I can put you into Blue."

"Forget it, phys ed then."

Kevin informed Nate through the radio that Harry was coming back. The man took one look at him when he barged into the room yelling at Sara for doing his puzzle and pointed to the track.

"Harry, 2 laps."

Harry fumed at Nate for forcing him to use a coping skill and let out a frustrated growl before taking off to run. He burned out his anger at the Ministry for not believing him and letting the Daily Prophet slander his name. Harry ran to get rid of the hate he had for Umbridge who forced him to mutilate his own hand for telling the truth. He sped down the track, loathing himself and his weakness. Everyone else could carry on with life, and here he was, stewing in self pity. If only Snape had seen him now.

Harry returned, huffing and puffing, still flustered. Nate met him at the door.

"Better?"

He shrugged miserably.

"Kevin said you were yelling at your visitors. What made you so upset?"

"I don't want to talk about it!"

Nate held out his hands in mock defense. "No problem. Apologize to Sara and continue with your puzzle. Take another run if you need it. I want you to keep that yellow status."

Harry mumbled an apology to her, which she accepted gently. He could tell she was legitimately hurt, but her sweetness refrained herself from holding a grudge. Harry really had no idea why she was even there.

The rain came eventually in the early afternoon. Harry was finishing up in Grief Support, which he ended up spending most of the time in Blue. Harry was embarrassed by his behavior, but he could not handle one more trigger forcing himself to think about the death of those he loved, let alone the loved ones of the other resident's. He knew he could of just asked to go to Blue, but instead he let himself go, angrily snapping at Mr. Somal leading the group.

"I am NOT saying ANYTHING!"

The group tensed.

"Harry," the man warned. "It is simply your turn. Normally I allow you to pass but today I am asking that you share something."

Harry did not remember all the names he called the group or the man, but it was very regrettable. His wristband was cut off and he was once again locked in a room with beanbags and silence. Through the plexi glass Nate and Kevin asked him to calm himself but Harry felt as if he was not in his own body. He raged at the walls, on himself in any way he could. The doors flew open and he was dragged out. Nate crossed Harry's arms around his body, seating him to the floor, while Kevin leaned over his legs. He couldn't move and it only made him escalate more. He screamed at them to let him go.

Nate responded without emotion. "You will be released when your breathing is calm, your body is relaxed, and you claim you will no longer need a restraint for self harm."

Harry fought them and he knew it was a losing battle. "I don't fucking care!" He screamed. "Just let me go and off myself so I can get out of this miserable life!"

But neither said anything. They remained mute despite his shouts and insults. After about 20 minutes Harry felt his body's energy drain quite suddenly after his panic began to fade. At 25 Nate calmly asked if he no longer needed a restraint, confirming that they felt his body and breath relax. Harry muttered a yes and was released. After a check by the nurse for any injuries during the restraint, Harry asked to be left into Blue.

"You will but a staff will be watching you through the glass. And staff shadow will continue for the next three days."

Harry about died inside. Suicide watch again. As he laid on the bed, wrapped in the blankets, he wished that he could see his mother again. He missed her gentle voice when she said that they had never left. Was she looking down at him now, wishing that he was with her?

"I should have gone on that train." he thought, remembering the day he died. He fell fitfully asleep hearing her words and imagined what it would feel like when they would embrace.