And Still Can't Stop Hoping

Summary: AU: Neville was named the Boy-who-lived. Harry's mother died giving birth to him and his father blames him for her death. And if you already have an heir in your family who really needs someone like Lucas Harry Potter?

Disclamer: Nothing but the idea, some new characters which you don't know from the books 1-6 are mine. Anything else like the characters belong to J.K.Rowling, I'm only using them ;)

Sentences written in Italics are Harry's thoughts.

And thanks to my beta reader Brightfeather for her help!!
And finally, the new chapter...Enjoy, a lot of you will, I promise :)

Sam :)

Chapter 20

Harry was really excited about the ritual to honour and maybe even speak to his dead mother. It was the last class of the day and no student could really concentrate on what Professor McGonagall talked.

Of course, the other students couldn't concentrate because they were all excited about the Halloween Feast and the special dishes they would eat tonight, but Harry liked the feeling of companionship it gave him. But it seemed that even Professor McGonagall was infected by the spirit, or just knew that she wouldn't get any of the students to really listen to hear, because she let them leave half an hour earlier and wished them all a great Halloween feast.

While all the other students were hastening to their common room to dress themselves up, Harry took his time to get to his common room. He had a lot of time because he had already packed the things he would need for the ritual.

When he finally arrived in the common room, it was nearly deserted. Only a few boys were still hanging around and talking about the upcoming feast and the included ball.

Harry didn't pay them any mind and made his way to his room to put his school things away. When he had put the books to their respective places, he took off his clothes and changed into pure black ones, especially selected for that night.

He looked at his clock and saw that he still had much time left. Therefore, he took the book about the ritual, lay on his bed and reread it a last time before the evening.

Even though he knew the ritual inside out, he wanted to make sure that he didn't make any mistakes because he couldn't remember the right words or acts in the right moment. He finished reading about an hour before the feast was starting.

He closed the book, put on his shoes and took his bag with all the things he would need for the ritual. After he had checked a last time that everything was inside of it, he made his way out of his room and the common room. Most of the Slytherins were still dressing themselves to look their best on the Halloween feast because of the dance that was later in the night in the Great Hall, so Harry could walk out of the common room without anyone noticing.

He made his way into the specially selected room, closed the door and put on a locking spell he had especially researched for tonight. He also added a silencing spell on the room, so he wouldn't be distracted by the chatter of the people in the Great Hall or the music.

With these preparations finished, Harry put his bag down and carefully took out all the requested items he would need in the ritual.

Harry stood in the middle of the completed circle made for the ritual.

He had drawn the circle beginning in the north, then to the east, to the south and at last had completed the circle in the west. Afterwards, he had poured the specially made potion carefully over the salt and when he had finished, the circle glowed white.

Then, he put the items representing the elements on their places, again beginning in the north. First he had put dark earth on the salt, then white candles, after that wood which he had put on fire shortly before and at last, a small goblet of water.

When he had put the goblet down on the circle of salt and potion, the circle had glowed a bit more strongly.

Now, Harry stood in the middle of the circle and took out a bright fire lily, as the item representing his mother. Carefully, he put it in the middle of the circle, took a step back and kneeled in front of the flower.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, the fire lily changing in his mind's eye from the flower to his mother's face. Harry didn't know a lot about his mother but he heard stories about her over the years and tried to imagine them as if he had been there.

He didn't move for about fifteen minutes, not seeing the circle glowing more and more brightly until the light filled the whole dungeon room. But Harry took no notice of it. He only concentrated on the memories he had gained through other people but somehow, they didn't seem as far away as before.

It was like he suddenly knew more and more about the scenes. If before the images were more like an old monochrome film, they shined at him now in the brightest colours with much more details than ever explained to him.

When he didn't have any new images to remember, Harry suddenly had a picture of his mom holding him in his mind. She looked completely exhausted, but she smiled brilliantly at the little bundle in her arms which he knew was him.

Harry smiled when he saw this and didn't even feel the tear on his cheek. He just was so happy to know that he had been as loved by his mom as Madam Pomfrey had told him.

But then, no new memories came forward and slowly, Harry opened his eyes.

The room was nearly as dark as before and the circle glowed only a little bit more before it became normal again. Harry thought he felt a light caress on his face but before he could be sure, the feeling vanished and he was left alone in the dark room.

He looked around a moment longer in hopes to see his mother but no one was in this room besides him.

With a sigh, he put the things he had used in the ritual together and vanished the clutter with a wish of his wand.

With one last look at the now empty room and a little sigh, he opened the door and left the place where he had hoped to see his mother.

But before he closed the door behind him, he put his hand on the place where he had thought he had felt a touch and smiled a bit. Even thought he hadn't been able to talk to her, he knew that she had been there and showed him in her own way that she loved him, and that was enough for Harry.

He closed the door behind him and walked along the corridor which led him to the main corridor from his common room to the entrance hall.

But the moment he put foot into the new corridor, a horrible smell penetrated his senses. He stopped and waited for a second, wondering what he should do.

But then he heard loud steps and a grinding noise of something heavy been pulled and was quite sure that he didn't want to meet whatever came that way.

The heavy steps came closer and closer and without more thought, Harry took off in the direction of the entrance hall. With the feast probably still going in full swing as it had only started fifteen minutes ago, it was the safest route to take with all the teachers being in the Great Hall.

But when he looked behind him, he saw the monster he was running from the first time. It was a big, ugly mountain troll and something he wanted to avoid at all costs. The good thing about knowing his opponent was that Harry found himself running faster than he knew he could. The bad thing was that the troll seemed to have gained the same ability.

Harry was so afraid of the troll getting him that he took a wrong turn and ended up in one of the corridors that led to the second floor. Harry cursed himself for getting himself in this situation.

He didn't know this part of the very well and just hoped to come across a corridor he recognized. The only thing he knew about the second floor was that there was a girl's bathroom a bit further away which had been out of order for the whole year because it was haunted by some ghost.

Or at least, that is what the girls told them.

Harry heard a crash behind him and because of that nearly ran into the teachers coming from a corridor.

He managed to stop barely in front of Professor Snape which was in the front and looked quite surprised to see him in this part of the castle. But before the potions master could open his mouth to ask him what he was doing here, Harry had already answered.

"I was just on my way to the feast when there was this smell and then I heard these heavy steps and now is a big troll behind me!"

And with these words, he walked into the corridor the professors came from and hid behind Professor McGonagall. He was no Gryffindor and had really no need to fight a troll which would come around the corner any moment now.

It seemed that the professors had heard the steps too, because Professor Snape and Potter aimed their wands quickly in to the direction where the troll came from. Not a second later, they were joined by Professor McGonagall but she waited a bit behind, probably to protect Harry if the need should arise.

The moment the troll walked around the corner, it was already over. All three professors yelled, "Stupefy," and the troll feel to the ground, unconscious. The next moment, Professor Dumbledore came around the corner and looked quite surprise to see them at this point.

Harry could even swear that the professor had looked frustrated for a second while looking down the corridor that would led to the bathroom, but Harry couldn't be sure because it was gone in a moment.

While Professor Potter and McGonagall, with the help of Dumbledore, bound and took the troll away, Professor Snape took his Slytherin aside and looked sternly at Harry.

"I want to know what you really did in this corridor," the potions master said strictly, not believing Harry.

"Sir, I was just on my way to the Halloween feast, I swear." Harry tried to sound as earnest as he could and was thankful for his Occlumency skills because he knew that Professor Snape was quite accomplished in Legilimens.

"And may I know then, why you were so late? All of your class mates were already in the Great Hall when Filch came into the hall to say that a troll was in the dungeons." Professor Snape enquired.

Harry thought of a good explanation and was as honest as he could be while changing the important facts.

"I…I don't know if you know it, Professor Snape, but my uncle Peter who used to babysit us was killed by Death Eater today and therefore, I wasn't really in the mood to go to a feast. I just wasn't sure if it would be right to celebrate tonight when it was the night he was killed. And when I finally decided that I still would go, it was already late."

Professor Snape looked at him a moment longer and finally nodded.

"Come with me. I've sent the Slytherins to the hospital wing for protection and I think Madam Pomfrey wouldn't mind having a look at you and maybe give you a calming draught."

Harry looked confused for a second of why he would need a calming draught until he saw his shaking hands. It took him another second to notice that not only his hands but his whole body was shaking.

Without another thought he followed his head of house to the hospital wing.

James Potter was lying in his bed and dreaming of his beautiful Lily. Many would think it obsessive to still think of his dead wife nearly every day of his life but he couldn't help himself. Lily Evans had been his great love and he probably would never get over it that she had to die over something simple as a birth.

But today, his dreams weren't filled with a young, happy and smiling Lily.

There was no laughing Lily greeting him on a sunny day outside of Hogwarts.

No, today he was standing in a dark, cold room not unlike the dungeon room in Hogwarts where he had first punished his son.

And his Lily didn't smile at him, wasn't laughing and most important wasn't one bit happy to see him.

Lily was standing leaning against a part of the stone wall, arms folded in front of her and she looked disapprovingly and angrily at him. Her clothes were pure black and closed tightly. But he thought he saw something like liquid on the side of her robe where it was leaning against the wall when she wasn't moving.

But before he could think further about that fact, Lily greeted him in a hard, cold tone.

No, Lily didn't seem to be happy at him at all.

"James."

He shuddered and then answered in an unsure tone.

"Lily, my love!"

She didn't say anything but her gaze became sharper and she looked now more angry than disapproving.

James became a bit scared. Normally, Lily would had already thrown her arms around him and greeted him enthusiastically. But today, everything was different. Therefore, his next words were more insecure.

"How are you doing and why are we meeting on such a dark place? I'm sure that the grounds are beautiful today. Why don't we go outside and enjoy the sun?"

Finally, Lily came closer but his initial relief and turned to horror when he saw the wall behind her.

Suddenly, he knew what the liquid was on her robe, about which he had wondered about earlier.

It was blood.

The whole wall was flecked with blood and he couldn't turn his look away.

He tried to take a step backwards but found himself unable to move. Without knowing when, someone had strapped him to the wall on the other side and he couldn't move. Helplessly, he looked around and turned pleading eyes to Lily who watched him coldly.

"I'm very disappointed in you, James Potter."

Her gorgeous, green eyes which used to look at him with love had lost their warmth and stared at him without any friendliness. They were cold and dead, like the eyes of a corpse.

"Don't look so shocked at me or the bloody wall. This is your entire fault, James. I gave my life to protect our little baby and you hurt him. I trusted you to take care of our children and you abuse them."

"I don't abuse Jonathan! He's a good boy, I would never do that to him!" James screamed at her, not understanding her anger in his twisted mind.

"I'm not talking about Jonathan even though you could have done better with him. I'm talking about Lucas."

Lily hadn't move from her position but somehow, she suddenly stood exactly before him. James looked at her in confusion and she smiled at him.

But it was not the smile he was used to – the warm, caring smile that could lit up the whole room. No, like everything in this scene, also her smile had turned cold and was freezing him to the core.

"Why are you looking so confused, James? Don't you even remember the name we gave our second son? It's Lucas, James. Harry was only his middle name, but like so much, you made him into something he isn't. You shoved all your repressed anger and hate you couldn't live with at Lucas and twisted him in your mind until he was someone that doesn't exist."

She paused for a second.

"The devil Lucas is in your mind doesn't exist James. Lucas is just a little boy who has done nothing wrong. And you are even arrogant enoughto punish him for these nonexistentmistakes. If you don't change your ways, James, than I will take what is most precious to you."

Here, James became shaking even though he was still tightly bound against the wall.

"I won't take Jonathan or your job or even your house and money. I won't even take away your reputation, which is so important to you. No, I will take away from you what you've seen every time you looked into the mirror of Erised."

Here she paused again and then lean forward to whisper the words into his ear. Her breath was as cold as the rest of her was today and he whimpered.

"I will take away your memories of our good times. I will take away my smile you relish in when you look at the pictures of me. And I will take away my love I have left in your heart, so you will feel as empty and alone as you made our son feel."

She took a few steps away from her and looked at his scared face. James hadn't even noticed his tears until she started speaking again and pointed it out to him.

"I haven't even made my vow come true and you are already crying. But you won't have any mercy, James. You didn't give it to our son and therefore, there will be no mercy for you, James Potter. Mark my words."

And with these last words, Lily Potter vanished and James Potter woke up sweating in his bed in Hogwarts, his heart beating loudly in his breast.

He looked around the dark room, took his wand and lit the tip with a quiet, "Lumos".

James took in every corner of his room but no one was there. With a last deep breath, he doused the light and let himself fall back into his bed. It took a long time to go back to sleep and convince himself that it hadn't been real.

And the next day, James tried to ignore the whole vision by telling himself that it was only a nightmare caused by the troll incident. But after that day, it seemed that every picture of Lily in his room would look at him disapproving and the most beautiful smiles would turn into frowns when they met his eyes.

He tried every counter curse he knew on the photos but nothing changed. So even though he didn't believe in his visi….nightmare, he decided to skip the monthly "detention" with Harry.

Just to be sure.

So…I think a lot of you will love Lily at the moment ;)

But I also hope that it shows that James is seriously mentally ill, which explains his behaviour towards Lucas...but this is a topic for a much later chapter :)

I hope you enjoyed the chapter and let me know it ggg

And I want to thank everyone who has updated for this chapter…a really big thank you to all of you, because without you, I'd probably wouldn't have continued writing…so thank you all a lot!

That's all for today and I hope that the next chapter will be out soon (or at least sooner…I'm really sorry about waiting…)

Thanks again and have a great Sunday everyone!!

Chau,

Sam :)