A/N: Hello again! I won't make this long, but I have to say thank you to all my wonderful readers for the reviews, alerts, and favorites. Keep 'em coming! ::TWSS::
Special thanks to Sunflowerfields for supporting me and sharing her beautiful story with me. Love you, babe! These next few chapters are for you!
Thanks to the betas: Twifan82, Sovereignvision, and Jenny Cullen. You're simply the best!
Warning: Graphic scene of a seizure below. If you or a loved one has ever experienced a seizure, please read with caution.
Items with an asterisk (*) have definitions down below.
Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I get to see some scary things as a pediatric nurse. ©2010 twicrack83
*~*BPOV*~*
Shock. Panic. Confusion. Fear.
"He's having a seizure!" Esme screamed, jumping up from her seat and knocking her chair to the floor.
Everyone but me stood up, backing toward the walls. Chaos surrounded us but no one was moving. Edward's random movements were making me shake with him, and drool was starting to drip out of the corners of his mouth and onto my lap. His face continued to twitch, his arms and legs trembled in an untimely rhythm, and he kept making terrifying, unearthly noises.
"Alice, call 9-1-1… Now!" yelled Carlisle, running over to Edward. "Esme, do we still have any Diastat*? We need it or he'll go status* like last time."
Alice and Jasper catapulted out of the room and raced for the phone in the kitchen.
"I… I… yes, but I'm not sure if it's expired or not." Esme wrung her hands, standing in place, tears streaming down her face.
"Just get it!" Carlisle shouted and Esme flew out of the room.
"Bella," Carlisle turned to me frantically, "we need to flip Edward onto his side so the secretions fall out of his mouth. We don't want him to choke."
I immediately started helping Carlisle move him. I went to get up and lay Edward's head on the floor, but Carlisle gripped my arm, keeping me in place.
"No. You have to keep his head safe. Wait until we can get a pillow."
"I'm on it," Emmett chimed in, sprinting for the stairs. Rose and her parents filed quietly out of the room leaving Carlisle and me behind with Edward.
Esme and Emmett returned within seconds, and Carlisle repositioned Edward while I scooted to the wall and stood up.
"Emmett and Bella, go get Jake. I'll need him to help me hold Edward," Carlisle said as he struggled to keep Edward safe and in his grasp.
Esme knelt down beside them, handing over the tube of medication. "It expires this month," she sniffled.
"Fine," Carlisle snapped coldly. "We'll have to wait for Jake then you can give it to him." He closed his eyes briefly and shook his head, then he looked up at Emmett and me still standing in the room. "Didn't I just say get Jake? Go!"
We hurried out of the room and quickly found Jake and Leah standing on the front porch.
"Jake, Carlisle needs you to help him in the dining room," Emmett shouted. "Edward's shaking all over and they have to give him medicine."
Jake bolted into the house and I finally broke down. Trembling and bawling I slumped down in a heap on the porch. Emmett lifted me up, carrying me back into the house, and Leah followed us into the kitchen.
"Leah," Alice shrieked, "can you wait by the end of the driveway for the ambulance?"
"Of course," she responded and turned for the door while speaking into her ear piece.
"Oh, Bella," Alice whimpered and I felt her tiny hands on my back. "Look at me… please."
Quivering from my sobs, I turned to face Alice. Emmett set me down and Alice automatically pulled me in for a hug. I could still hear Edward making incomprehensible noises in the dining room, and I wondered if the medication was going to work or not.
"What the fuck was that?" I screamed, pointing to the dining room, pleading with my eyes for her to tell me.
"I… still… can't," Alice sighed, pushing some fallen hair behind my ear. "He'll have to tell you, Bella. I'm so sorry."
"But what if he can't? What if he d-" I stopped, cringing at the definitiveness of the word. "Why didn't he tell me before? What's he so afraid of?"
Alice simply shook her head, tears falling down her cheeks. Then her head snapped in the direction of the dining room, and we could hear Carlisle speaking softly to Edward.
"Don't move. Just relax. The ambulance is on its way. Do you need anything?"
"Tired," Edward mumbled, barely audible.
"Then sleep," Carlisle whispered.
Alice led me into the dining room just as Esme was placing a blanket over Edward. He looked exhausted. Sweat was dripping down the sides of his face and Carlisle was cradling him in his lap. Esme sat down next to them on the floor and ran her fingers through Edward's hair. He looked so vulnerable, so fragile, so broken.
Standing frozen in the doorway looking down at Edward's helpless body, my heart ached for him. But why did I feel so betrayed?
/~/+/~/
After Edward was stabilized at the local hospital, he was transported by helicopter to Seattle Children's. Esme and Carlisle promised they would call Alice with more updates and we could visit him in the morning, but they wouldn't allow us to follow them to the hospital that night.
The next morning Alice got a call around six thirty and we all hopped in Jake's Hummer to make the almost four hour drive to Seattle. The hospital was overwhelmingly confusing, but Alice seemed to know exactly where she was going.
"Mom said they transferred him up to a room after he spent some time in the ER," Alice informed as Emmett, Jasper, and I followed closely behind her with Jake and Leah in tow. As we weaved through the halls Alice murmured, "I think he's gonna be here for a while."
"Why can't you just tell us which floor he's on?" I questioned. I was really getting pissed off at all the evasiveness, but one thing I learned about Alice was that she was loyal to a fault, and there was no way she'd tell someone else's secret.
We piled into the elevator and she pressed the button for the oncology* floor, shaking her head and running her fingers through her hair. My stomach lurched as my anxiety spiked, and I started grilling Alice with questions again.
"He's been here before, hasn't he?" I crossed my arms over my chest and huffed in defiance. "That's why you know your way around here so well. That's why you know he'll be here for a while."
"Bella!" Alice fumed, turning to me with fire in her eyes, pointing a finger in my face. "Look. I'm not going to tell you any more than I have to. We didn't force you to tell your past, yet you're trying to pry this out of me. Don't think I won't kick your ass if he asks me to. And if you don't stop asking me questions, I won't take you to his room. So shut the hell up and just be there for him, okay?"
I held up my hands in mock surrender and backed away from her slowly. Finding out what was wrong with Edward was a top priority at this point, but she made a very valid point. I was trying to pry answers out of her and I was ready to do the same when I talked to him. Way to be a fucking hypocrite, Bella.
The Cullen's had been nothing but accepting of Emmett and me, never pushing us to tell, always waiting for us to make the first move to say anything. And here I was ready to rip them limb from limb until they divulged everything they knew.
Resolving to keep my mouth shut until Edward was ready to share, I sighed and leaned against the elevator wall until we arrived on the oncology floor. I could feel my heart rate increase as the doors opened slowly, and I fisted my hands to keep them from shaking from nervousness. We followed Alice as she checked us in at the desk then made our way to his room.
Esme was sitting next to Edward's bed, holding his hand and resting her head on his pillow. Carlisle was on the opposite side, rubbing his face with his hands. They both looked exhausted and had dark circles under their eyes from lack of sleep. Carlisle noticed us first and nodded tiredly, motioning for us to come in. Esme lifted her head off of Edward's pillow and softly smiled when she saw us.
Edward never flinched. He was lying on his side facing the door, and he looked sick. His complexion was so pale that he was almost transparent, and he had a tube in his nose giving him oxygen. Every breath he took was shallow, and it seemed like even that was taking a lot of effort. A monitor at his bedside kept track of his heart rate and oxygen level, and an IV in his arm was clicking as it infused fluids. The rails of his bed had big blue pads* on them with cut outs where the bed controls were located.
"Come on in and have a seat, guys," said Carlisle, standing up from his chair. "I'm going to go down and get some coffee and food for me and Mom. Does anyone else want anything?"
We all shook our heads and walked slowly into the room. Leah stayed out in the hallway and Jake followed Carlisle down to the cafeteria.
After sitting down on the window seat, I turned to Alice next to me and noticed she looked just as pale as Edward. Her face was blank and a single tear crept down her cheek. Sitting on the other side of Alice, Emmett reached over and put an arm around her shoulder. She covered her face with her hands and quietly sobbed as Esme came over to comfort her.
When Esme moved away from Edward's bed, he shifted and moaned, scrunching up his face. Esme nodded to me when I stood up, offering her my seat next Alice. She pushed my back gently and waived me to Edward's side. Anxiously shuffling to his bed I took Esme's seat and grabbed his hand with mine.
Edward stopped moaning automatically at the contact and his face relaxed completely. He quit moving and slowly opened his eyes, looking up at me with extreme exhaustion. I smiled warmly and rubbed my thumb over the back of his hand and he squeezed my fingers with his.
"Hey," I whispered, leaning down to kiss his forehead.
"Hey," he sighed and tried to roll over, but stopped mid-movement with a groan.
"Don't move. What do you need? I can get it," I rambled, beginning to worry.
I still wasn't sure what was wrong with Edward, but I was positive he should be resting with as weak as he looked. One thing was certain, I'd take care of this boy no matter what, and I was going to start right now. I didn't even care that he was hiding this from me. It was out in the open now and he'd have to tell me sooner than later, and I could wait a while longer.
"My back is starting to hurt, but I'm so tired that I don't think I can move on my own." He paused and took several rapid breaths before continuing. "See, even talking is draining."
"Okay, um… can you tell me how to help you?" I questioned.
"I guess you could just kinda push me onto my back. Get Mom to help you."
Esme quickly came to the bed and helped me reposition Edward. He hummed in relief and closed his eyes. I started to walk back over to the window seat to let him rest, but he opened his eyes and reached his hand out to me and smiled sadly.
"Can you just sit here with me for awhile?" he pleaded. "Mom needs to rest and I want to hold your hand."
I felt tears well up in my eyes at how thoughtful he was being. He wasn't thinking about himself at all. He was putting others first and that astounded me. If I was that sick, I'd be sucking up all the attention I could get, making others do everything for me, not worrying about them. Yet, Edward was making sure Esme was getting her rest, too, and that made him all the more adorable.
Taking the seat next to his bed again I took his hand and kissed his cheek.
"Thank you," we both said in unison.
Edward chuckled softly. "Why are you saying 'thank you,' Bella? I haven't done anything but be an ass lately, and I'm sor-"
"Edward, don't," I interrupted. "You don't have to be sorry. I said 'thank you' because you're being the sweetest person ever right now, and it's making me realize what's important. So, thanks." I bent forward and murmured in his ear, "And you need to rest because you look like shit."
We both laughed and he turned to kiss me. It was a short, sweet kiss, but it was perfect.
"You won't leave, right?"
"Nope. I'm here until your parents make me leave… or until I have to pee, but I'll let you know before I move, okay?" I justified, giggling as he smiled and closed his eyes.
He was asleep before I took my next breath and Esme came back over and rested her hand on my shoulder.
"He's always this tired after a seizure," she started. "They really take his strength away. I'm just glad the Diastat worked so fast."
I bit my tongue as I stared up at her. What I really wanted to do was ask eighty million questions, but if this was his normal course after a seizure then that would have to satisfy me for now.
"He'll tell you, Bella. I know you're freaking out, but let him rest and get some strength back first. Besides, if he doesn't… I will." She smiled down at me and yawned. "And you're welcome to stay until visiting hours are over. Carlisle arranged for you all to stay in a hotel over the next couple of days so you don't have to travel all the way from home. But we'll expect you to go back during the week for school. Make sense?"
I nodded. Esme and Carlisle were nothing but practical, and I figured they wouldn't let us stray too far from our normal routines. But I'd be sure to visit on the weekends and call him every chance I got.
The rest of the day was much the same. Esme and Carlisle took turns sleeping on the window seat, and Emmett and Alice went for walks to blow off steam. Edward was sleeping on and off with me holding his hand and I wasn't sure who it was more comforting to, him or me. But I wouldn't let go for a second.
As visiting hours came to a close, Carlisle and Esme wished us goodnight and I kissed Edward on the forehead to wake him up. The pink was starting to return to his cheeks and his breathing seemed much less labored than earlier in the day.
He stretched and opened his eyes, smiling brightly at me. "You stayed for me and I slept the whole time. I wish I could have talked to you more."
"No problem," I returned. "I was happy just to hold your hand. Besides, I wasn't expecting you to be the life of the party after what happened, and the sleep seemed to make you feel better. Anyway, we'll be back tomorrow morning and you'll have the whole night to rest up in preparation."
Edward flushed slightly and started looking sheepish. "Uh, yeah. About that. I…"
"Really, it's okay. I don't want to know what's going on until you tell me anyway. I'd rather you told me than anyone else and I'll wait until you're ready. No rush."
He sat up and pulled me down to him, giving me a huge hug and whispered in my ear, "Thank you. But promise me you won't be scared. It will only make me worry more about you."
I hugged him back and said, "As far as I know, I have nothing to be scared about."
Standing back from him, I plastered the biggest smile I could muster onto my face. My statement couldn't have been further from the truth, but there was no way he was going to see me freaking out. I turned for the door to leave with the others, and as soon as we hit the elevator I burst into tears.
/~/+/~/
The next morning we arrived promptly at eight AM. Mostly because I was bugging everyone to leave and they finally couldn't stand it anymore, but who's keeping track? Edward was awake and eating breakfast in bed when we came into the room. He no longer had the tube in his nose and he wasn't hooked up to the fluids either. We watched him quietly from the door, and he didn't seem nearly as fatigued as yesterday.
"Oh, hey guys," he smiled brightly. "Come on in. I made Mom and Dad go down and eat, but I'd love company if you want to stick around."
Alice ran over to Edward and wrapped her tiny arms around his shoulders. She squeezed him so hard I thought his eyes might actually pop out of his head. Then without saying a word, she stood back, hauled off, and punched him in the arm.
"Ouch, bitch!" Edward cursed, rubbing his arm. "What was that for?"
"Some warning would have been nice, that's all," she retorted. "I just hope you're ready for the 'Spanish Inquisition.'"
She tilted her head toward me and stomped over to the window seat, plopping down and pulling a magazine out of her bag. She wildly started flipping through the pages, crinkling them as much as possible.
"Hey, man," Emmett began, walking over and patting Edward on the back. "Glad to see you're looking better." He eyed Edward's plate, and continued, "Are you gonna finish those eggs? Bella wouldn't let me eat my cereal this morning."
Edward shook his head and laughed, handing Emmett the plate as he smiled crookedly at me.
"I plead the fifth," was all I could think to say, and I quickly took my seat next to Edward.
"Wanted to see me that badly, huh?" Edward asked, grabbing my hand and kissing my fingers.
"No, I just couldn't wait to stare at these four walls again," I snickered. "I missed them dearly."
He raised his eyebrow and smiled, running his fingers through his hair. "Well, I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you."
I stiffened and Alice quit rustling her magazine pages and looked at me. All the color drained from my face and the room started spinning a little. I wasn't sure if I was ready for this yet. Yeah, I wanted to know, but to throw it out there like that when I least expected it was a daunting prospect.
Trying to calm my nerves I took in a deep breath and held it, counting to ten. I let the air out slowly and watched the room steady around me. Alice and Edward were staring at me, waiting for me to break the silence.
"I just… um, wasn't expecting that yet," I recovered. "But if you're ready, then I am, too." As ready as I'll ever be.
"You don't look too sure, Bella," Edward scoffed. "I don't have to do this now. I just thought you'd want to know."
"I do!" I shouted, startling everyone and making Emmett chuckle. "I'm a little nervous, that's all, but I'm here to listen as long as you need me."
Edward breathed deeply and gave Alice one last glance before beginning. "Well, when I was nine years old I started losing my balance a lot. Dad and I were riding our bikes through the woods one day and I kept falling off. I'd never fallen off my bike before, so that's when he started thinking something was wrong, but I refused to go to the doctor because I didn't want to get a shot."
He paused and half smiled, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.
"Over the next couple of weeks, I started getting headaches and puking when I woke up in the morning. It was right after school started back in session, so Mom and Dad just thought I'd caught a virus and it would go away. Unfortunately, it didn't work that way and I started losing weight pretty fast. Again, we just thought it was because of the virus and tried to wait it out.
"Then I was at school one day and completely blacked out when I was walking through the lunch line. There was no warning whatsoever, and the poor lunch ladies thought I'd died. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the school nurse's office with my Dad standing over me and Mom bawling in the corner. They took me to the ER that time and the pediatrician said I just needed some IV fluids and more protein in my diet and everything would be fine.
"So, I went home and Dad insisted I stay there until I started getting better. But my body was already sick, and after three days at home I had my first seizure. No one was prepared and I ended up seizing for almost forty-five minutes. That's how long it took for Dad to drive to the ER, have the pediatrician tell him it was related to the virus, and for him to lose his shit and demand helicopter transport to Seattle Children's. I was immediately placed in the PICU* and sedated. I was intubated and doped up for a few days until they could wean me off the machines and meds without me having another seizure."
I could feel tears falling down my cheeks, but I wasn't going to stop Edward. He gently wiped them off my cheeks and Alice pulled a chair next to mine, laying her head on my shoulder.
"Mom went crazy, Alice was scared, and Dad was pissed beyond reason. He was so mad at himself for not demanding answers when we went to the ER the first time. I think he took it the worst when they finally figured out what was wrong."
Edward stopped again and handed me a tissue. He hadn't even told me the whole story and I was already losing my mind with worry.
"When I was sedated, the doctors did several scans and tests to see what was causing my symptoms. Thankfully, they figured it out pretty fast and could localize it to one part of my body. On the other hand, the diagnosis was a little more than disturbing."
He took in another deep breath and Alice gripped my shoulders tightly. "They figured out I had a cerebellar astrocytoma, or a brain tumor."
The room started spinning again, but this time I couldn't get it to stop. I lowered my head to my knees and tried to breathe slowly.
"Bella?" Alice, Edward, and Emmett all said at the same time.
I attempted an answer, but the next thing I knew I was running to the bathroom in a haze, hoping I'd make it there before losing my breakfast.
Diastat: Prescription medication known as diazepam that is used in seizure or epileptic disorders. It is given rectally and is fast acting. It is easy to use and families keep it stocked and with them at all times in case of a breakthrough seizure. It can sometimes stop the progression of a seizure from becoming status.
Status: Shortened version of "status epilepticus" or "status seizure" which essentially means the seizure just keeps going and going and cannot be stopped unless major medical interventions take place.
Oncology: Essentially meaning "the study of a mass or tumor," oncology is the study of cancer. The oncology unit Edward is staying at is the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA) Patient Care Unit at Seattle Children's Hospital in Seattle Washington, one of the leading pediatric oncology units in the US.
Blue pads: These are seizure pads used in "seizure precautions" in a hospital setting. They help to protect the patient from injury in the event they have a seizure. Here is the link to a pic: www(dot)rehabmart(dot)com/product/posey-seizure-side-rail-pads-for-versacare-medical-surgical-beds-31850(dot)html
PICU: Pediatric intensive care unit.
A/N: Well, there you have it. We know what's going on with Edward and why he's been having headaches, dizziness, blacking out, and the seizure. A lot of the readers figured out that Edward was having a seizure from last chapter, and a few even figured out a close diagnosis. Awesome job, lovelies! More about what happened after his initial diagnosis next chapter.
I also had some questions from last chapter concerning the presentation of Edward's seizure. Everyone experiences a seizure differently, and each seizure a person has may be unique, as well. As a pediatric nurse, I witnessed a seizure like this, and that's why I chose to use it here. The "lights" Edward saw were an aura that not all individuals experience before their seizures. Auras can happen immediately prior to an attack or seconds and minutes before it occurs. Also, the foaming at the mouth is how and outsider would perceive excess secretions that may be produced during a seizure. The affected individual loses their ability to swallow during a seizure and the secretions, or spit, flows out of their mouth and can appear foamy. We want to make sure they are on their sides so these secretions flow out of the mouth and not down their throat or into their lungs, creating the opportunity for aspiration pneumonia, or choking. If we are not fast about this, the patient can get too many secretions into their lungs and essentially drown. Another problem during seizures is the lack of blood flow and oxygen to the brain. That's why we want to stop the seizure activity as quickly as possible and normally have to administer oxygen after an event. Also, the extreme tiredness he experiences is known as postictal fatigue and is common. Again, every seizure is unique and this is just one representation of a grand mal seizure.
Also, I wanted to say please don't be mad at Carlisle for the way he's acting. It's part of the healing/acceptance process and anger can be a first stage. More on that later.
I haven't decided if I'll send out a teaser this time around, but I love hearing your thoughts! Please leave me love! ;)