Be warned this chapter is the beginning of a dark turn that will be completed in the next chapter. Self Harm trigger warning ahead.

Songs for this chapter: Breathe Me by Sia and Drift by Emily Osment

SPOV

To say I needed to be away from her was an understatement. Something was tearing apart inside me and I needed to be away from everyone let alone my accuser. And she was right to accuse me; I had done a terrible wrong. Again I had taken someone that was important and I had torn at their deepest weakness. I had wounded her in a way that only someone who knew intimately what had happened to her. I hated myself more with each second. I wished desperately I could run away from myself as well.

I was at the gates by the time I heard footsteps behind me. My skill was certainly slipping, but I gave a brief peak over my shoulder and saw that it was her. Of course it was her. Why after everything, all the running, and what I had done, why would she follow me? I snapped my head forward so I wouldn't be forced to look at her, and quickened my pace to put me at the apparition point. I held my breath as I turned and felt my way into the darkness that was the void through which we travelled and went to the first place I could think off.

My chest warmed in a disturbing way as I was cracking into existence at Spinners End, but I spared it little thought when my eyes landed on the ruins of my home. Somehow in this wave of unnamable feelings that was bearing down on me I had forgotten that I had burned the place to the ground. God why had I done that? I had never been close to my father, but I had loved my mother no matter how callous she may have been, and I had burned her house to the ground. All of the heirlooms had still been in my bedroom! Was I losing my mind? I scoffed at my feelings of being set adrift as I had done it to myself in a fit of rage.

I didn't get the chance to try and decipher all of the emotion that was flowing through me because a crack announcing the appearance of another witch or wizard filled the air. I stayed long enough to take in the sight of her pushing her hair out of her face before I pulled myself once again into the void. Even if the house had been still standing, it had been stupid to go somewhere that was associated with me. She clearly felt some draw even after everything I had done to her, and I needed to erase that so I could not hurt her further. Apparently hurting others had somehow become my specialty.

I appeared on the bank of a river. It took me a moment to recognize it as the Seine. I had barely thought of a place to go, but France wasn't a good choice either. This opinion was affirmed by the realization that I still felt that strange warmth in my chest, and I heard yet another crack announcing that she had followed me. I needed to go somewhere she had never been, somewhere that she had no knowledge of me ever going. My mind raced to pick somewhere before she could approach me. I made a snap decision on picked Russian, twisting once again and pulling myself from her with magic.

I appeared at the sign that I knew would be heralding me into Asha if I could actually read Cyrillic. I wondered if I had heart burn as that heat still had not faded, while I began to walk into the town my mother used to speak of visiting in a time that she and my father had been happy. I made it about 100 feet before I heard the cracking again. I turned my back on the town looking to see that she had followed me here as well.

The self-hatred I was drowning in warred with anger at her when the pieces fell into place. So intent on finishing her argument with me she had used my own tactic against me. I hadn't realized when I had placed it on her, that the tracking spell had alerted her of the connection every time it alerted me to her location. Had she ever figured out that the warmth she felt in her chest each time she used magic was a signal that I would be coming? It was a bit impractical if a person were going to use the spell to track a criminal as they would know when you were coming.

That was a bit like what she was doing now wasn't it? Tracking a criminal, someone who had wronged her. Walking out on me seemed like dust in the wind in comparison to what I had done too her. Her own words told me how I had made her feel. I had re-victimized her, not just once. One two different occasions I had taken her back to that night forcefully. Maybe I should let her catch me, let her kill me, would that be what she wanted?

I let myself really look at her face as she walked through the strong wind closing the distance between us. Her face was constricted but it didn't seem to be in anger, concern perhaps? She did not have her wand drawn on me. Maybe she only wanted to yell some more. I couldn't face her yelling, not right now. But how to avoid her when she could follow me anywhere? I couldn't cancel the spell when she was the one who cast it, so what to do?

Hide in plain sight.

It was the only way to keep her from tracking me properly. And so before she could come any closer I turned once more, focusing my mind on a town that would be familiar for her. I left behind Asha and rushed through the void to Calais France. I worked in quick succession as I felt the swell of warmth in my chest when I appeared in an alley not too far from the shop she used to work at. Giving her the same view she would have already seen when my magic flashed my location to her, I cast a disillusionment charm followed by a notice me not charm. Then I slowly began to walk away from where I had been.

She appeared in the alley, looking around for where I was, but she did not see me. I suspected that she could sense my magic around her, but I had to hope she would think it was a lingering trace and not a spell that was still in effect. I continued moving slowly out of the alleyway, praying she wouldn't notice a faint shimmer when I turned the corner.

I struggled to focus my mind through everything that I was feeling, but I managed to make my way to the station where I could board a Chunnel train to escape her like she had done to me not so long ago. I kept my ears pricked for the sound of her following me, but I never heard it. I left the charms in effect while I snuck into a car on a train that would be leaving in just a few minutes to return to England. The plan came to me so easily it was as if I had already decided upon it ages ago. I would spend the summer at the Leaky Cauldron right in the hot spot for magic, the last place she would expect me to go, and certainly not on the top of the list of places she would like to be herself. Then I would refrain from doing magic until it was time to return to school. At which point I would spare one conversation with her to have her remove the trace, and allow her any yelling she may want to do before I requested that we not speak to each other again.

It was the best I could do with the situation we found ourselves in. She couldn't take back what she had done, and I could never make up for what I had done. All that was left was to cut our losses and attempt to make it through the one year that we would be forced to work together to some extent. When the year ended and I was free of my contract I would… well honestly I didn't know what I would do at that point. Drift somewhere I suppose. Maybe I would go to America, try to find a way to start over, try to become someone other than the monster that I am.

I spent the rest of that ride trying to decide my future but I never really settled on an answer. I waited for the car to slowly empty of the bodies that filled it, and when I found I could move freely without the risk of brushing against someone and starting a panic, I disembarked the train. I saw when I exited out of the station that night had fallen in London. Perfect. That would make this next part all the easier. I walked away from the station traveling further and further into a seedy neighborhood until I found what I was looking for.

An alleyway between two buildings that were issuing no light. I walked deep into the alley until I found where it ended and a building blocked any light that might bleed in from the surrounding neighborhood. If I were to wave my hand in front of my face without a charm on it, I doubted I would see it. This was the place where I would do my last magic for the summer. I quickly removed both charms making myself visible in the pitch black night, and I waited. The warmth spread across my chest, and I knew that she had felt me cast the spell. I waited to see if she would risk venturing out to find me when the only flash she would have gotten would have been complete darkness.

I gave it a full ten minutes, standing there in the darkness, listening intently for the sound of her arrival. I breathed a sigh of relief when it did not come. When I was sure she wasn't coming, I walked out of the dark alley and began to slowly pluck my way toward the Leaky Cauldron. I was tired, and I would have liked to have taken a cab, but I didn't actually have any money on me at the moment, let alone muggle money. So unless I wanted to draw her too me once more, I was rather stuck.

I moved blindly toward my destination very rarely taking in the things I passed. As the night grew old the streets were emptying leaving behind only those who seemed to be up to no good. I probably should have felt at home with them, being the miscreant that I am, but I just felt even more alone. I had quite effectively cut away all the good in my life, so what right did I have to miss it now that it was gone?

I shook those thoughts out of my head as I pushed open the door to the little pub and let myself in. There were witches and wizards scattered about the room, but they didn't pay me much mind when I came in for which I was grateful. I went to the bar where I knew Tom would be found.

"The usual?" he asked me looking up from the glass he was wiping with a cloth.

"Not tonight," I told him, surprised by how quiet my voice had become. "I'd like a room, preferably with a bag of toiletries provided if you have them."

"For the night then?" he asked as he opened a key box behind the bar and looked through the rooms left available.

"No, I'll be staying for the duration of the summer Tom," I sighed. "I'll pay in advance as soon as Gringotts opens in the morning."

"Very well," he said quietly selecting a key that was in a group of dusty keys that didn't look like they left the box much. "You'll be on the top floor, let me know if you want the maid kept away."

"Thank you Tom," I nodded as I took the key from him and started to walk away.

I caught his surprised look before I turned my back on him. I guess it would be a bit of a surprise after the way I had acted the last time I was here. I would have to make an effort to be less unpleasant this time around. I would help that I wouldn't be drunk this time. No I wasn't sure I could bring myself to drink ever again now that I knew that hadn't been a dream.

I climbed slowly to the top floor and let myself into the dark room without bothering to light the lamps. I slumped down on the bed and began to really lay into myself over that memory. I played it over and over trying to understand the depth of what I had done. It was blurred and hard to follow, but I could see how she had to have been terrified of me.

She had been sleeping when I had grabbed her, I could remember that much clearly. There was a lapse between my grabbing her and the two of us standing, but even without seeing it, I assumed that was where I had bruised her probably dragging her to her feet like a brute. I had flashes of yelling at her while she bowed her head against my onslaught and I knew that I had called her a demon more than once. Why hadn't she run from me?

I played it again and again in my mind as I invaded her space, creating a cage around her with my body that forced her against the wall. Her breathing had accelerated, and I wondered how she managed not to scream or cry. No instead of screaming for a second she seemed relieved and she told me her name. Her true name, the one she had been unable to say for so long. Heartache mingled with my mental lashing when I remembered how I had reacted to her speaking the truth. Using it as further proof that I was right, and launching into a physical attack upon her person.

My brain froze on the image of my body pressed tightly against her. Her knees were buckled, her hands searching for purchase on the wall, as she tiled her head away from me and whimpered when I kissed her neck. My chest felt as if it might actually tear in two when I thought about how afraid she must have been in that moment. And then I had the audacity to accuse her of liking it. What the hell was wrong with me? I let the image of her nearly collapsing as I finally freed her from my attack, panting for breath, and likely trying to discern the best way to make a run for it loop in my mind as I buried my face in the pillow choking on sobs that wanted to break free of me. My eyes burned and I knew I was going to give in and cry, but I fought against it. I didn't deserve to cry right now. I should let her find me, beg her to just end me. But I didn't even deserve that did I? No I deserved the things I felt right now. I deserved worse than that.

My body went into autopilot when it seemed to realize that I was not going to allow it to cry. I made no conscious decision and yet I was climbing out of bed and going into the bathroom instead of wallowing in the bed. I felt hazy, and there was a buzzing in my ears like I had just heard a very loud sound and the vacuum of sound was assaulting my ears. My fingers fumbled as I manually lit a candle by the mirror and my arms were shaking as I reached for the bag of toiletries that Tom had likely magicked into the bathroom for me.

That was when my brain kicked back into gear and I understood what I was doing. It had been years since I had sought a release, and I honestly thought I would never do it again. But as the black bag fell open in my hands and I saw the safety razor sitting there, the metal of the blade winking at me in the candle light I knew I would do it. I thought of nothing other than releasing the weight in my chest as I deftly removed the clear plastic cap and snapped the head of the blade off of the stem that held it, quickly releasing the razor blade from its confines.

I almost felt better just holding the blade in my, but I knew that I needed this or I was going to truly lose it and go out looking for my old companion Mexican mud. I set the blade on the lip of the sink while I rapidly shed my frock coat and allowed my black trousers to pool at my feet. I took a seat on the closed toilet lid and hiked up the leg of my boxers until my inner thigh was exposed. I barely spared a glance at the faded white lines that were already nestled away there as I reached my now steady hand out to take the blade once more.

I held my breath through the first one, my chest unmoving as I pressed the sharp edge into my skin until the slight sting turned into a burning ache. I drug the blade back cutting a thin red line, and released my shaking breath as the blood began to bead up along the line. It helped, but it wasn't enough. I made a second and third line before I felt calm enough to release my fingers. The blade clattered on the tile splattering the blood that had collected on it along the base of the sink. My breathing slowly returned to normal, the weight in my chest lightening, as I watched the blood from the three thin lines run together and begin to cut a trail down my thigh.

When the blood began to drip onto the floor I started moving again. It wouldn't do to get blood all over my bathroom. I wetted down a bit of toilet paper and quickly cleaned the blood that had already moved before pressing it against the bleeding cuts. I glanced into the bag of toiletries and saw that there were no first aid items, so I resigned to simply waiting it out as I could not use magic to conjure a bit of gauze.

I changed out the toilet paper to a dry wad when the bleeding had slowed a bit, and held that there until the blood flow had stopped. It would take time for the cuts to scab and heal, but for now they should at least be done with releasing blood onto the floor. I replaced my pants and set to work cleaning up the bathroom. When I had wiped all the blood up from the floor, thrown away the broken pieces of the safety razor, and put the bag of toiletries away I went back into the bedroom and slumped onto the bed once more. Properly numbed, it didn't take long for me to fall into a deep sleep.