"Mr. Hatake, you are aware of why you're here, correct?"

Kakashi continued to hide behind his mask, but offered a smile in response.

The bespecked man sighed. "Mr. Hatake, we've gotten reports of at least two hundred and thirty-odd charred corpses being sent in this week, running the gamut from 'lightly singed' to 'ashy'. The bodies vary from rodents to small mammals to young desk chuunin. Some of the older ones have physically beaten back what they described as a small target of genin rushing them."

Kakashi forced himself not to look too proud, and spoke through slowly numbing lips as he bit his tongue a little harder than necessary to keep a straight face. "How tragic."

"Yes, very." The glasses flashed. "Imagine my surprise when one of the genin was wheeled in with jyuuken damage across thirty percent of his body, bruises across another forty percent, and no identifying paperwork."

Kakashi stifled a snicker. The man, identified by his lapel as "Kabuto" flipped up a page on his notebook, the sterile hospital greeting room beating down on their eyes. "From the best we could determine, he provoked a Hyuuga student, was crippled, and then assaulted by academy students." He rechecked his paperwork. "For, and I quote, 'no real reason at all'."

Kakashi put up his hands. He could already guess that Maruichi had ratted him out as fast as humanly possible with the bruising on his face. "What do you need from me then?"

"Make them stop." Kabuto said firmly.

Kakashi frowned. "I don't wanna. You can't make me."

"Do it or I'll file paperwork for a esophageal tract inspection every Friday for the rest of your career."

"Why I gotta stop my kids from learning?!" Kakashi whined. He'd already given up trying to out-threaten the medical staff in Konoha general; they'd usually already filled out the paperwork to back their threats before they even met you.

"Stop trying to teach people science. You're bad at it."

"I do science," Kakashi said defensively. "I've been testing the effects of Landworm pheromones on my genin for a couple months now. I write the reports to the medical college and everything."

Kabuto stared at him. "Is that why your children have hormone imbalances? I've been treating your genin for that for months - I thought they'd been irradiated and had thyroid damage. Why?"

Kakashi shrugged uncomfortably. "Habit mostly."

Kabuto stared at him. "Who cares? No - why the medical college, give us that, do you know how many people go wandering in those accursed plains? Some jackass started spreading rumors that there was gold buried beneath it and we've had all kinds of people just "wander" by, looking to go strike it rich."

Kakashi noted that and reminded himself to tell Genma their plan to hit it rich by robbing the civvie gold miners had failed.

"Sure." Kakashi shrugged. "You got an inbox?"

"Oh sure, sure, just leave it in the Hokage's office."

"What was that?"

"Hmm? I asked you to leave it in the H-Mediiiikage's office."

Kakashi frowned. "The medikage?"

Kabuto laughed, a little strained. "Yeah, yeah, it's a little practical joke the head of the hospital plays. You know, ho-kage, medi-kage. He jokes that since he cares for the Hokage, and the Daimyo when he visits, he's technically the most powerful man in Fire Country."

Kakashi's brain was spinning. Most powerful man in Fire Country huh?

"That sounds just dumb enough to be plausible." Kakashi mused.

"He's really the worst, that guy." Kabuto was babbling. "He cares for children and gives them candy. Beats up dogs and litters in the street. They say he visits patients to laugh at them, and demands that people not get out of bed until they're better."

Kakashi made a mental note to investigate the Head of the Hospital for sedition and violent crimes, and bid Kabuto an absent farewell.

—

"And what have we learned today?" Kakashi asked pleasantly.

"My friends are helpful but less than useful." Said Saeki.

"People are good tinder." Said Sayo.

"The Hyuuga had it coming." Said Maruichi.

Kakashi clapped a little. "Well done! Leaving aside the dead animals, desk chuunin and chakra beasties, the largest amount of property damage you were responsible for was the mysterious burning down of a Hyuuga outhouse while someone was in it. All in all, not bad."

Saeki nudged Maruichi with his elbow. "Hey, why'd you do that?"

Maruichi sighed exasperatedly. "I have no friends so I went to the most competent person I felt I could tolerate. He refused, and moreover when he discovered my task he paralyzed me and left me in the dirt."

"The bootprints on your face and gut were analogous to the shoe size worn by 6-8 year old academy students." Kakashi noted.

"Wanton opportunists." Maruichi said shortly. "They are no longer a concern."

Kakashi snapped his fingers. "I forgot, a couple of civvie homes did burn down, big slowdown on the Interrooftop 12." He paused. "Nothing of value was lost."

"Aren't they dead?" Saeki asked morbidly.

"Nothing of value was lost." Kakashi repeated firmly. "Mysteriously, strange documents decrying those families as spies from Iwa were found in their rooms once the fire stopped."

Kakashi rubbed his chin. "For some reason, the documents were written in glitterink. Iwa spies really are going to the dogs these days."

Maruichi pushes up his glasses. "I guess that makes the arsonist a hero?"

"Big hero." Kakashi shrugged. "Sure did save us time spying and stalking that family until they had a mental breakdown and confessed everything to a therapist."

Saeki swung a fist into his palm. "And then you arrest them for being spies!"

"Also weird fetishes." Kakashi admitted. "Some things you don't want getting into the public."

Maruichi turned and clapped Sayo on the shoulder. "Congratulations, hero."

Sayo flushed and refused to meet Kakashi's eye.

Kakashi raised an impressed brow. "You found and killed the spies."

She reddened further, interlacing her fingers. "I was practicing at night cause it's easier to see the sparks." She said, shyly. "I saw red from their backyard and found burnt documents tying them to Iwa. All I had on me were tinder and flint, so..."

Kakashi had to fight back a proud tear. It would be unbecoming.

He got on his left knee and faced them eye to eye. "I'm very glad that all three of you understood the true meaning of the lesson I was trying to impart." Kakashi said solemnly. "The real Evidence Destruction no Jutsu was the friends you made along the way."

He saw their faces swell up with pride cheeks going round and a little shiny as they held their heads a little higher. "R-really?" Saeki squeaked. "You mean it?"

"No." Kakashi admitted. "Guilt Begone no Jutsu is a real Jutsu, but I just remembered that none of you have a fire affinity so this is the best you're gonna get."

And there went the pride. Kakashi was somewhat relieved; beating them into the dirt again would have been therapeutic if they started getting snippy with him, but Maruichi was also in a cast, so the doctors would probably castrate him for breaking it.